When Connie asked me to share my story of the loss of our first born son on Sammy's Playground,I thought "How could I ever put this into the proper words; memories and thoughts that are so deeply imbedded into my heart, it will be so hard." But I believe the Lord has given me the words to do it, so here goes. If you drink coffee or tea, now is the time to get a large cup/glass and sit back to take a journey with me.

I would like to tell you a little background history about myself so the story fits into place. Back in 1980 I got married to a wonderful man named Billy. He is the son of a Pentecostal Preacher/Evangelist and myself, the daughter of middle-class Christian parents. So, both of us had biblical upbringing. However, through the first 3 years of our marriage, we quit going to church. We still prayed, tried to always do the "right" thing, but something was definitely missing.

In the early part of fall of 1982, I found out I was pregnant with our first child. Talk about scared and excited at the same time. I think just about every new Mom can associate with that feeling of the first pregnancy. You began to remember all those stories you've heard other women talk about, i.e., morning sickness, stretch marks, childbirth pains...well, I was quite nervous. Within weeks though, the true excitement set in - I was on my way to REALLY having a baby! WOW! Well, during that fall, all the way through Christmas I didn't enjoy eating that much! Food just didn't smell or taste good. I did have my first maternity dress (for Christmas) to wear. I was so proud! Remember when you wore your first maternity clothes? And how excited you were, you just wanted the world to know you were expecting. That is just the way I felt.

Then came the first part of January. Hey, we were on a roll now. I was well on my way into my 5th month. Everything seemed fine. Baby was growing just like he should. I was shaping up quite nicely. The middle part of January came around. We went out to eat one evening and came home, went to bed as usual. I awoke and was getting up to the restroom and when I stood up, my water broke. Now, I'm thinking I know this shouldn't be happening. Something is terribly wrong. I hollered for Billy to wake up and I told him what happened. He got on the phone my OB/GYN, Dr. Carter and he advised him to get me to the hospital right away. So, off we went. Words cannot begin to tell you how I felt. I was wishing this was some sort of night mare that I would surely wake up from, but I didn't. On the way to the hospital, I began to think the Lord had forgotten about us. He was upset that I hadn't been going to church. We both began to pray really hard about this situation, it was all that we could do. When we got into the hospital, I was admitted into delivery and tested and poked. Then, Dr. Carter came in with the diagnosis.

My water was definitely gone, but I wasn't dilated or thinned out. This was a mystery. By this time, I had countless questions for him and he answered them the best way he knew how. I had to stay overnight to let them "see" what I was going to do. Labor never started. I was poked for blood every 4 hours, just to see if the white cell count changed. When your water breaks and labor does not begin, there is a chance of infection setting in. Well, no signs of infection or labor took place; on the third day, I was released to go home for 100% bed rest. I'm talking about sponge bathing, bed pan, the whole works. To be told that if I go into labor, there's a change the baby might survive, but that would be the longest road of our life to ever have to go down. And many baby's don't make it, even after surviving a month or so. Well, needless to say, I didn't have much to look forward to on the view I was being given. And, I certainly didn't have the faith that I have now, to make it through something like this.

We left from the hospital at noon that day. Billy brought me home to a room full of beautiful plants and flowers, he'd built me a L shaped stand to go on my side of the bed, with a magazine rack and a place for my crochet & yarn. I was all set for the next 4 months in bed. I THOUGHT. Sometime that next morning, in the wee-hours, I was awoken to some horrible cramping pains. I was having this baby and he wasn't wasting any time coming out. It's a good thing we only lived 15 minutes from the hospital (we lived in Dallas at the time), because I wouldn't have made it any further. This was when something inside of me began to really well up inside me. I wanted to run away, I wanted to escape this whole ordeal. It couldn't be happening, no, it couldn't. But, it did. Dr. Carter delivered our first baby boy, which we named after my husband, Billy Roy, and he took one or two breaths and took his journey up to heaven. I was so heartbroken. Any one who thinks that abortion is OK at 5 months pregnancy and on...well, I've got news for them.

Our little precious baby boy had feet, toes, hands, fingers, long legs, he was just way too small and his insides were too underdeveloped to survive. They didn't have the technology back in Jan./1983 like they do now. There was no chance for him, except through a miracle. They took him away to clean him up and when I was in recovery, the nurse asked me if I would like to see and hold him before they gave me a shot of Demerol. Of course, I knew I had to hold him, this was the only way I could say good-bye to him. I can still see his sweet little face. His body was about the size of those baby dolls you see in the stores, about 14 inches long. But he looked so normal, he looked like he would wake up any minute. Billy took him from me after I kissed him good-bye and I never saw him again. You know, when you go off the hospital for a full term birth (or even a few weeks early arrival), you have that camera packed in with all the other stuff. Well, we didn't have ours, but I am glad that we didn't.

I don't think it was meant to be that we had a picture of him, because to this day, I can still see his face, his body. I hold onto that memory, deep in the center of my heart. Now, the hardest part came. A decision that I was in no frame of mind to make. Do an autopsy to find out why this all happened? Was something wrong with the baby that couldn't be seen from the outside? Or was it me? He was just a day under the legal age (at that time) that a funeral was required by the state of Texas, but he weighed enough to have him buried. As hard as it was, we chose to do the autopsy to see what the underlying problem was. I don't think anything set in with me until I remember the Mom in the next cubical, I could hear her asking the nurse what I had. I could hear her tell her that my baby didn't make it. And the Mom was saying how sad that was.

Yes, it was. I felt so empty. Then, the medicine in the iv made me terribly sick, the room began to spin and I got sick. I was so glad when I got into a room and I could sleep that stuff off and look forward to going home to my own bed. After 2 days, I got to be released to go home. I remember it was such a dreary day outside. It was very, very cold (for Texas-35 degrees) in the middle of the day. It looked like it was going to sleet outside. I started on my road to recovery. I didn't want to go back to work, but I did. We found out there was nothing wrong with Billy Jr., I was diagnosed with having an incompetent cervix. Which means that my cervix can't carry the weight of the baby and amniotic fluid after 4-5 months...it just gets too heavy. SO, Dr. Carter fixed that with a stitch that they put through your cervix after your 3rd month of pregnancy.

In November of 83, I was found out I was pregnant with our 15 year old girl, Katrina. I was very nervous. I remember driving to work one morning, talking to God. (Now, you must know, I had not talked to God since right after we lost our baby.) I told Him how scared I was, but I was not going to ask Him for anymore help, because I did before and I still left the hospital without our first son. That is awful to say, but that was the way I felt. Isn't it something that we have such a wonderful God, we still turn our back on Him and when we come back, He still has His arms open wide? (I am just glad I didn't wait too late.) I still had a long road to go down though. Katrina came one month early, but we got to take her home after 4 days. Then, our 12 yr. old son, Jonathan, well, I went into early labor with him at 6 months. But this time, my water didn't break. I think God was really trying to get my attention by this time for I didn't realize what all He had in store for our lives up ahead, at this point. Let me tell you about this miracle He gave me. It was on a Sunday afternoon, we were watching the Chicago Bears play the Dallas Cowboys and I went into labor. Billy thought I was just joking at first, but he knew quickly that I was very serious. We rushed to the same hospital (we still lived in Dallas at this time, too) and sure enough, I was in full labor.

They began to push anti-labor drugs through my veins, but Dr. Carter told Billy that it was probably a hopeless situation. Again, we were told that if the baby was born at this early of an age, if he made it, it would be very risky. This was when I got serious with God. I told Him I would do whatever it took to keep this baby, and I really meant it. Billy got on the phone with his parents (just as he did with the other boy) and they started a very large prayer chain going. There were many faithful prayer warriors approaching the throneroom of God. And they weren't going to stop until they got their miracle. Miraculously, all in the labor room that day were shocked....my labor started slowing down. When I was admitted and checked, I was dilated to a 1 and totally effaced (thinned out). During the next two hours, my labor stopped and the next morning, my cervix closed back up. I did have that stitch still in my cervix, but that's not what stopped the labor. Dr. Carter told us "You got your miracle, because I've never seen labor so far advanced stop like this did. And your cervix is closed back and beginning to try to thicken. Long, long road ahead though." It was OK with me, this time, I knew I was going home a winner. And that, we did.

I spent the next three months in bed. For the first 2 months, I couldn't get up for anything, except to the restroom and sit up to sponge bathe. The last month, I could get up and take a real bath, but still had to have total bed rest. I did crochet, I read a lot of books and magazines and I watched any Christian TV shows I could find to watch on the television. God came through for us, just as He did with Katrina. And the monitoring service I had to do everyday, staying in bed all that time, was well worth the prize we got in the end. We have 4 children altogether with us here, but we have two up in heaven. We lost another baby one month after we moved into our house here in Kemp. It was exactly a year later that I got pregnant with our daughter, Natalie, now 7, soon to be 8. And there's our youngest, David. I want to share with all you out there that have gotten discouraged. Maybe you've been told that you won't ever be able to have any children. Or, that you can't have any more children, because it's just not possible. Let me tell you, there is still a mighty miracle working God, sitting on His throne, in heaven and He is in full control of everything down here.

When we look to Him to take care of our problems, our fears, our concerns and our happiness and joy, He does just that - HE TAKES CARE OF IT ALL!! I look back now and see all that happened in my life through these pregnancies. I was told that each one would be harder to make through. I was too high risk, it just wasn't worth the risk, but if I was willing to take it, Dr. Carter would do his best to see me through it and take care of me. I realize now that there was a God in heaven watching me, He was taking care of me, even when He took Billy Jr. home with Him, He was still in control. He was still loving me then, too. My last two children's pregnancies were so easy, they were an obvious sign to my doctor and all others involved that God was in full control, because I gave Him the reigns this time. I wasn't going to worry any longer.

AND, I know that our little Billy Jr. and our other baby (we don't know what this one was) are both up there, in heaven, with little Sammy and Jesus. They will be there to greet us when we reach that step in our life...the real beginning!

I know this has been a long, long story, but I pray that if there are any discouraged out there, because of the above mentioned reason, or that you have maybe lost a child, too, for whatever medical reason, there is a grieving process that you must go through. And it doesn't happen over night. Sometimes it takes months, years, many years, but you have to go on. You have to give yourself and your life back to God (or give it to Him, if you never have), because that is the only way you will make it. Yes, friends and family are good support and you will need them, but God is the only one that can pull you through this valley in your life.

Remember...it was David that said many great things: "yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me. Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me." I have learned over the years that it takes faith to get through this with Jesus. "FAITH IS THE SUBSTANCE OF THINGS HOPED FOR, THE EVIDENCE OF THINGS NOT SEEN." Hebrews 11:1 I didn't have this kind of faith in the early years of my marriage, because I had strayed out of the arms of the Lord, but He has restored this faith back into my heart and spirit. I am willing to uplift anyone in prayer that is going through a rough time in their life. Whatever has happened, remember, there IS a rainbow at the end of that road. You may not see it now, but great is your reward, in heaven, if you hold onto the mighty hand of Jesus.

By: Sharon Richardson January 12, 2000

To all who come to this page, when I asked Sharon if I could put little Billy's story on line, I didnt know if I could find the proper backgrounds and music to describe the loss her and her husband felt so many years ago. I feel the music Change My Heart Oh God, reflects the trials and tribulations she experienced, in not knowing if she was alone, seeing only one set of foot prints beside her, not knowing that God was carrying her in his arms every step of the way.
Sharon and Billy, I hope this page honors your son in every aspect that you both had wished for.

Love Connie D Rearick-Fields