Revisions on my Recent post...
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: iTunes Top 25
I was thinking about my recent posting here. There are a few things I want to revisit. First of all, I said that Charley's right eye is hurt, but it's actually her left eye. That's an easy item to revisit...

As far as my moving home is concerned, I said that my family has not faced my situation. I don't want to force them to accept it; I don't want them to have to face it either. I just want them to be a part of my life, for better or worse. Moving home is the best way to start this back up. I know I could try hard from here to stay in contact; it's my own fault they are not a part of my life. But, I feel that I ought to at least try to get a job in Missouri and move there as soon as possible. I don't know why, or if this is the right move to make. I'm still thinking about that option. I haven't made my mind up completely. I do know that if I move home, I want a job waiting so I don't have to burden my parents for too long. I've been researching apartments and townhouses in Kansas City online, and it seems a good idea to head home.

Another item, I talked about possibly being bipolar. I have been so afraid for so long to accept the fact that I'm bipolar; finally talking to a doctor about it and getting the right medicene has helped me so much! Normally when I wake up I'm grumpy and want to sleep more. Now, whenever I wake up, I'm up for the day. Whether I wake up with my alarm or not, I'm up. This morning, I woke up before my alarm went off, and I've been going since then. Having difficulty with sleep is one of the signs of bipolar disorder. This medicene is gold to me now. It helps me get to sleep easier, and when I wake up I'm ready for the day. Another thing I've noticed, is that I'm focused on the task at hand. I've been told I have ADD, that I'm just lazy. But I can now focus on my job that I need to do and I've gotten so much done! It's amazing. I cannot wait for the day to begin so I can clear my to-do list (my Momma taught me to make those) and do the things I want to do.

It's gonna be a great day...

Differences of Opinion
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: iTunes Party Mix
The first thing I'd like to do is let everyone know what's been going on at work. Nothing ever came of the sexual harassment claim, so I'm still working at Verizon Wireless. I still see this other person, but we do not talk unless it is deemed necessary. On to today's thoughts...

"There's no one way to dance. And that's kind of my philosophy about everything." Ellen Degeneres


"Most of us don't start out wanting to be different from our families and friends." email I just read from Lynn, I don't know his full name.



I'm feeling very homesick. I've also been very upset for a while. I'm seeing a psychiatrist and my primary care doctor for the possibility that I am bipolar. I've been on Effexor 150, and Susan, my primary care doctor, upped that dose by 50%. I'm also on Abilify, for the bipolar disorder. I haven't spoken to any of my family about this, mostly because I don't want to appear to be weak or stupid. I know that Sterling thinks that depression isn't real, and he is the one that I would like to talk to. Steve thinks I need to grow up, and so I'm waiting until I feel that I am acceptable to him to go back over there.


As far as my family in Missouri is concerned, I miss them terribly. My very good friend Melanie and I were talking the other day about all of this. She told me I am avoiding the whole situation by living in Utah. Me living here is allowing my family not to have to face the reality of my situation. Melanie advised me to move back to Missouri; not to regress and take a step backward, but to take a step forward and force myself and my family to come to terms with each other as we are. I know my family will never accept the fact that I am gay. I also know that I want them to be a part of my life. I know that my Grandma is sick, she is on dialysis every other day. I don't want to be in Utah when she goes. If I move home, I'll have to stay at my parent's house until I find a place of my own. My Momma won't like my mice, hamster, or dogs. I love all animals, and I know she knows that. If I move home, how can I afford it? I'll need more space than I have in my car. Oh, and speaking of cars, my baby Red died! I traded her in for a Honda Accord recently, so I'm now paying a car payment each month, something I haven't ever done before. Anyway, back to the real topic, I'm not sure what I'm going to do after my lease is up in March. I will either move to a different complex here in Salt Lake, or go back to Missouri. I've already started applying for jobs out there...


Charley, my Pomeranian/Dachshund mix has an ulcer on her right eye. I've taken her to the vet twice now. She's turning out to be an expensive dog!!! She has cost me so far 350.00 in vet fees. Plus, she has gingivitis, something that I'll need to take care of when I get my yearly bonus from Verizon Wireless.


I love those two crazy dogs. My mice just had another batch of babies. There were 14 babies born, but one was still born. So, I now have 19 mice. If I move home, I'm only keeping two...well, maybe three. I'll of course still have my hamster and my two dogs.


Despite the differences with my family, I still love them. I still want to see them, if only on a weekly basis on Sunday or something. I might need to change Charley's name as I have a nephew named Charlie, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there. (I've already started calling her Chelsie sometimes, and she responds that too...)

LIfe Issues
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: iTunes
So, I just got off of the phone with a friend from work who told me some very troubling news. One of my coworkers is taking me to HR because I apparently came on to this person at work. I didn't do what this person is claiming, and I cannot think of why they would say what they are saying. I'm terribly worried that this will lead me to being moved from my team, and I really don't want to move.

I think they are jealous of where I stand on the team, because my stats are excellent, and I'm the best every month at certain things. Every time he does something better than me, he points it out to the entire team. I am so frustrated right now. I can't have this HR issue on my record at work, even though I didn't do anything. I think he is very homophobic and jealous...

If I lose my job, I don't know what I'll end up doing. I can't have this piece of my life fall apart right now! It's the only thing I have that's together in my life.

A good friend of mine just sent me an email, I needed it right now. Here's a quote:

"Hey there sugar pies.

Hey, thought of you the other day - One of my friends little girls went to Denver on the week-end to audition for american Idol and I wondered if you went. If not you should have. You've got one of those rare - awesome voices that needs to be heard -a lot. I could listen to you sing all day long."

That's a friend right there, I love you Jeffery where ever you are!

Jake's Ghost
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: iTunes
Wow, long time no write. I've been so busy with my new job at Verizon Wireless and my new puppy!! I'm excited about those new developments in my life, yet I'm dissapointed in myself and my life thus far. I've had a few break throughs emotionally, but nothing has been tremendously life altering. I excel at my job, but my personal life is (enter raspberry here).

There are no details I feel impressed to leave here. My life sucks, and it's no one's fault but my own. The good news is I know it and I'm working on fixing it. I'm saving up to purchase a town house in February. I have a couple of developments I like, and I'm watching the market. I'm cleaning up my credit score, which is worse than my bedroom...I got a copy of it a while back after my car got broken into and some documents were stolen out of it. So far, no fraudulent activity has been reported. All the crap on there is my own shit I've flung.

Update on the Mice! I have one mouse that looks a bit pregnant, she's gonna burst any day now. She's my favorite mouse. Her name is Dolly, and she's the cutest, nicest, most smartest mouse ever. The daddy of the babies is Peter's mouse Britches. These babies are going to be amazing! Any takers for some baby mice?

My new dog is named Charley, which is the same name as my nephew, BUT I didn't name her. That's right, her. I got her at the Humane Society and she's the sweetest thing ever. She is a dashound/pomeranian mix. She and Olive don't get along, but Peter is keeping Olive and I'll be taking Charley most likely when the move happens in February. Our lease will be up, and I want to get a nice place with a backyard.

So, other than the above, no major news to report here. I'm depressed, my life in shambles, but it's my own doing. I'm in it for the long haul, so it's time I figured out where I'm headed.

Oops, I've lagged again
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: Invador Zim
Well, American Idol came and went...I made it to the second round, with little luck of seeing Paula or Randy. I was told I was good enough, but I wasn't unique enough. I asked the executive producers why I wasn't unique, and they basically told me I was white. (duh...) I'm not upset about this; I actually completly understand the logic behind it and I agree. If they have enough white guys to stock their show, why add another when they can add a black guy? (which they did...)

I saw Jamie this week. I drove up to Ogden to help her run some errands, and we had a blast. Jamie, I love you! I love the time we spend together, and we have to hang out some more. I have to go up and see her in her show, but not till my show is over... This week I'm performing in a Reader's Theatre production of Jeffrey. It's going to be an amazing production...

But hey all, I'm going to bed now. I've got a ton of stuff to do tomorrow!

Life's little lessons
Mood:  quizzical
Now Playing: Lately, Stevie Wonder
I spent today deep cleaning my apartment. I'm not sure what I want to say other than that. Life is sometimes like a dirty apartment. There are times when you need to take a step back from your life and decide what needs to go, what needs polished, and what you are missing. In my bathroom, I need hooks and a mirror. Well, I don't NEED them, but I WANT them. It would make the bathroom much more attractive to the eyes. But beyond that, my bathroom was a disgusting mess. Ring around the bathtub, crud around the sink, and you don't want to know what I discovered near the toilet. My life right now is a lot like my toilet.

I think I'm going to leave it at that. My life is a toilet.

American Idol Auditions, and Bliss
Mood:  vegas lucky
Okay, I know I haven't blogged in a while. I seem to go through phases where it's very important to me, and then it's not. I'm incredibly nervous and excited for next weekend. I'm going to Vegas for the first time, and I'll be auditioning for American Idol. There's a small chance I'll make it, because I might not even get in to see the judges. I've been choosing clothes, music, and transportation. Ugh, there's so much that goes into this. I don't know what I'll do yet, but I'm really glad I'm taking this chance. I'm hoping to hang with my friend Heather, the Ramptster. A part of me keeps on saying, come on, this is bigger than you are. I can't give in to that thought process. I have to believe in myself, and get over how big this is. This is my bliss; to perform. I have to go after that bliss. Okay, should I go into what one's bliss is defined as? I'm not sure. What I do know for sure, is no matter what the outcome of AI is, I will continue pursuing singing and performing as a career.

I just switched the calendar over to September. Seeing the weekend of the competition gives me goosepimples. I feel inspired to pursue this at this time. Just the fact that I'm trying this gives me so much self confidence; I hope that confidence shines through at the auditions.

Okay, sleep calls me now...Night.

Once again, it has been a good couple of weeks since I logged on. I have been busy with work, school, and rehearsal. I'm in Into the Woods, one of my favorite musicals of all time. I play Cinderella's Prince and the Wolf, so I have my work cut out for me. I say this is one of my favorites, not because of the music or the storylines, but because of the message (messages?) it presents. My mom calls this musical the "screaming" one; I tried to share the music and the messages with my parents on a trip the three of us took to Ohio. It probably wasn't the best time to try to share it, because it was an overnighter. I remember that trip with bittersweet memories.

Into the Woods is a show that brings together various fairy tales, including Jack and the Beanstalk, Cinderella, Rapunzel, The Childless Baker, and Little Red Riding Hood. The first act brings together all of the stories; each character has a wish, and within that act, those wishes are granted. The second act presents the "ever after" part of the story. This is where those messages are presented. I won't really go into the lessons taught in this musical; for people who want to know, come see it. It's in Murray City from August 16th throught the 21st. It's a very short run, and it is community theatre, but our cast is very strong.

One of my lines that the Prince says is very insightful into the human condition. "A part of me is content and as happy as I've ever been. But a part of me continually wants more." It is that drive, that need for more that gets us in trouble. Cinderella leaves me because I have just had an affair with the Baker's Wife...I tell you what, I get into more trouble for, well, never mind...

I would like to invite my parents to see the show, but I fear they will say no. It's that fear that keeps me from inviting them. They didn't see the last three or four shows I've been in, but they had good excuses.

"Wishes may bring problems, such that you regret them, better let go than to never get them..."

I feel more alienated from my family than ever before. I wish things were different, but I can't change certain aspects of life. I have tried, and I have failed, but maybe that's because my heart was lying. It's very difficult to embrace someone when they don't embrace you back.

One Busy Boy
To those of you who have been following my online journal, I apologize to the three of you. I haven't posted in such a long time, but I have been extremely busy. I have been working at UPS, getting settled into my new apartment, and taking summer classes. One thing in the back of my head is the summer tuition that I can't afford to pay yet. Ah, the life of the struggling writer/actor/student. It's only $300, but that's 300 that I don't make in even a week. I'm looking for other ways to make money, so if anyone has any ideas...I'm open to them.
Even though financial issues are a part of life, I don't allow them to affect me, my mood, or my stress level. A long time ago, my parents were considering getting a divorce, partially because my dad didn't think he could leave work to go on vacation. I'm sure there were many other issues going on that I wasn't aware of, but my 13 or 14 year old mind focused on what the reason was according to Momma. Dad couldn't and wouldn't leave work so she could go and visit her family in Colorado. I decided on that day that money issues would never be a stress that effects my relationships, my moods, or even my stress level.
I just reread that, and it would seem that I prefer my Momma over my Dad, and that isn't the case. It was just in that time of tremendous stress, while my siblings were all sobbing, I just sat there. I was internalizing that my Dad was the enemy and the reason for all the fighting and the stress, when it really takes two to cause that. I'm sure my Momma had some nasty things to say to Dad. I've recently had her say some things to me that I'm sure she doesn't mean. She can be brutal when she wants to. It's the survivor in her; she had to survive an abusive father, a broken home, and so much heartache in her life. I don't blame her for saying such hurtful things at a time when she feels vulnerable. It's her nature to be cruel when the little girl feels attacked.

New topic:
Jamie emailed me finally! She's doing great. She's so funny, she had some awesome stories to tell me. I'm sitting here looking at the Mickey ears she got me at Disneyland or world or wherever she went...I always get those two switched in my head. Anyway, anyway...She's going places as an actress and model, and she doesn't even have an agent yet. I have an agent, and I'm not going anywhere. I haven't even had an audition yet! It's been 8 months! But I digress...what does digress mean? Kim, that's your assignment for the week. Post what digress means in your comments! Also, what is "a turn of phrase"? I mean, come on! How do you turn a phrase? Is your phrase going one way, and you turn it the other way? You can't do that physically, because verbal words aren't physical. Well, I suppose the vibrations are physical. Maybe that's what it means; you turn the vibrations. Okay, I get it. Now, how do you bend a vibration? That gets complicated, but Kim was my science buddy. She'll figure that out. Okay, Kim? Just like you did our science project alone. I STILL feel aweful about that. Oops. It was an amazing project, but it shouldn't have had my name on it. I owe you for that, Kim...and for history class with Mr. Hodge. That's where we first met, remember? That's funny that I remembered that. I met Jamie in jazz dance when I turned the wrong way and ran into her. We just laughed at it, and that was our first clue we'd get along just fine. Boy, get the two of us in a room together, and it's insane. It's kind of like me and Shawn...my ex-girlfriend. Was Shawn ever really my girlfriend? I'm not sure if she and I ever really went out. I mean, sure I met her parents and stayed at her house in Nebraska, but that's one of the only things we did that was relationship-esque. It's like paying for a gold necklace and pendant, but finding out it's just gold-eque, or plated in gold-eque. Or just eek-eque. Anyway, anyway...I was just trying to hard to be something that I'm just not. If I met Shawn now, she and I would become great friends, but that would be the extent of it.

Wow, it's late. (It's 10:30 am...) I have to drive up to Ogden and close my bank account up there, then deposit that into my new account...oh, but you don't want to hear about my errands I have to run. But I do have two new job interviews today! It's into the shower, and off to O-town.

Happy Birthday to Me?
News Update: I stopped keeping track of Danny's death in the news. I was becoming consumed in it, and I was just very bitter and angry. I had to give myself room to breathe, room to accept what has happened. Danny is in a better place, and I pray he can find peace in his death. I know I have taken time to find that peace within myself. In a way, I am jealous of Danny. He no longer has to deal with the petty stresses of this life. Tomorrow is my 25th birthday, and I have no one to celebrate my life with. All the people I love and care about are miles and miles away from me. Kim is in Tennessee (I think...), Ramps is in Arizona, my family is in Missouri and Kansas, Lacie is in Missouri too. Jamie is who knows where (Jamie, call my cell phone! I miss talking to you...). I feel kind of alone. I need to focus on the positives in my life. Who DO I have? I have my roommate, Austyn, I have my cousins, Steve
and Sterling, but I feel very selfish in flat out telling people it's my birthday; I don't know why.

I am very reflective tonight as the last 25 years of my life run through my head. I know where I have been, I know where I want to go; yet I'm not where I want to be now. I want someone here with me, to celebrate these 25 years and the 25+ years to come. I keep on thinking of what my stalker told me. (My stalker is someone I met here in Salt Lake City who knew me from this website and blog...I don't know his name, but cheers!) He told me that someone would come along and love me for me. I hope he's right. All I can do right now is live my life the best I can. I can't actively seek out a relationship; it has to happen on it's own. I need to be the best JakeRob I can be, and develop myself to my fullest potential. That scares me, though; my fullest potential has never been revealed, but I think it's larger than I realize. Why does that scare me?