Do I really want to know?...
I just got off the phone with my great friend, Lacie, who told me more information than I wanted to know. My friend, Danny Green, was murdered in his sister's house in Kansas City, Missouri. Not only was he murdered, but his younger sister and her two babies, ages 1 and 2, were also killed. There isn't a whole lot of information online about how he was killed; actually, they haven't released that information. I feel so torn between wanting to know how he was killed, and just wanting to let it be. Unfortunately, I have so many visions in my head of him struggling for his life. Not only was he struggling for his life, but for the life of his sister, his nephew, and his niece. The main suspect in this case is his brother-in-law, who beat Danny's sister and attempted to strangle her a week earlier. Knowing he was dead was hard; knowing he died alongside family members is even worse.

I know Danny Green; he would have fought and struggled valiantly for life. He was a devout Christian. He was over at my house many Saturday nights for my SNL parties I used to have. I remember him talking about his sister and her children. I wish I could have been at the wake and the funeral, but I found out to late. Lacie and I are planning a memorial web page for him, I'll be putting it on this site. I can only hope and pray that he is at peace now, even though his last hours were hell.

I can't bear not knowing how he died. Otherwise, my imagination takes over, and I see him dying horrible deaths. I have sobbed and wept today; it has been so hard to sit at work and pretend like nothing is wrong. I'm glad I'm home now. Austyn made me dinner, that was nice of him. He's a good kid.

Now, a plea to all of my friends, where ever you are: Please be careful. Take care of yourselves. Call me. If you don't have my number, email me. Lacie also has my contact information. I miss all of you; every single one of you. I miss our choir class. I miss Kathy's rages. I miss singing and dancing with you all. I miss Gemini's Twin. I miss our SNL parties. Right now, I wish life didn't have to be a journey so we could all stay in one place and be together. But we have all moved on; we have different places to go. We couldn't spend our life at Longview. I loved our time together, and will cherish it. We will always have these memories to share. I will love you always. Stay safe. Be good.

Jake
bachelorrm@yahoo.com

Life and Death
I just recieved news that a good friend I had from Missouri was killed last week. The funeral was over the weekend. His name was Danny Green; he was a tenor when I was tenor section leader. (Well, I was self proclaimed section leader, anyway. It was just a big joke.) He was a very happy guy; he was always smiling and laughing. I enjoyed the times we shared as a choir; I think we were all very close. This makes today kind of rough for me. I start my new job tonight at DiscoverCard, I hope I'll be able to handle it. This really puts life in perspective for me. We don't know how long we will have on this earth with the people we love and care about.

I don't know how he was killed. I'm hoping it was just a car accident or something low key like that. If he was knifed down or shot, I don't think I could handle that. He was such a great guy. I'll miss him, just as I have missed him while I've been in Utah and he's been in Missouri. But now, it's going to be a bit different. I won't see him again until I leave this life. What is it about death that leaves a hole in your heart? I'll never really know, and I don't know if anyone can ever fully explain it to me. I've heard the arguments that there is a link missing in our hearts, that there is no longer that person animated in this life. The thing is, I believe Danny still exists in another plane. I would think that basic belief would help me through this, and I'm hoping it will.

If anyone has any thoughts on life, death, or Danny if you knew him, please click on the link below that says "comments (#)" and leave your thoughts. I know it would help me, and maybe it will help someone else who finds this website.

Thoughts for the beginning of a new month...
Hmmm, yet another entry. Here I go...

Basic News: The pool at my apartment complex opened today. I'll be able to add swimming to my daily workout. How sweet is that? School has now officially ended for me. I have zero finals to take, which is one reason why majoring in theatre and fitness is so awesome. I begin work at DiscoverCard on Monday, May 3rd. Everyone wish me luck there. I'm taking two dance classes this summer at the community college, modern and jazz. I'm stoked for those. That Disney film begins production in SLC on May 8th, and they are looking for extras. I'm hoping to land in there a couple of days this month. I'm selling more stuff on eBay, and a few of my items are sky rocketing. I turn 25 the end of this month. I'm not worried about aging, and I'm excited to be out of my "young 20's"...

Stuff on my mind: I applied at both UPS and DiscoverCard. UPS is taking longer to get back to me, and I found out that I am number 8 on the list of folks to be hired. (So, eight positions have to be opened before I begin work there.) I'd much rather work at UPS, for both the benefits and the hours. DiscoverCard is evening work; I don't mind that, but I would much rather leave the evenings open so I could be in another show. Auditions for 1776 were this morning, and I wish I could have been there. I love performing. My roommate, Austyn, was able to audition, and he got called back. I really hope he is cast. He deserves it. Anyway, I would rather work early morning at UPS than at DiscoverCard; however, life doesn't always work out the way we hoped. I might not be able to perform theatre in the evenings, but I will be working an amazing job that pays really well. It's a sales job that has an hourly base pay, plus commisions. Before commisions, I'll be making more at DiscoverCard than I would be making at UPS. I'm hoping to, eventually, work both jobs. I know that will be taxing on me, but I think I can do it. School will be going on, I will be working UPS, I will nap in the afternoon, then off to DiscoverCard and then sleep again before I get up at 3:30 am... It seems rough, but I'm hoping to get financially secure in 6 months time. I have bills, of course, but I'm wanting to begin saving money up for trips, emergencies, nicer furniture, etc.

Well, that's all I've been thinking about recently. If there's anything else I can think of, I'll let you all know!

Love, Laugh, and Live (a possible title for my Book)
Well, here I am, it's a new week for me. I'm not sure exactly what I'm going to say here, because there are too many things going through my head. I have a headache as well. I would like to just go to bed, and wake up to find that everything is nice and dandy. That won't be the case, though. I'm all signed up for classes this summer at SLCC, and I'm stoked for those. I'll be taking dance, fitness, and a few science classes that I need for my fitness degree. I'm so glad that summer school is IN STATE tuition, cuz I'm still paying out of state fees right now. Ugh.

So, Austyn has just told me that he has given up on his fitness goals. That is just what I needed right now. He goes through the same cycle every week or so. He tries to do something, he keeps on trying, then he suddenly stops trying and feels worse than before. This is such a difficult thing for a friend to see. I want him to see himself the way I see him; he needs to find his self respect again. He had so much of it when we met, and now it has evaporated.

Okay, enough ranting about my roommate. I start with DiscoverCard on May 3rd. I hope to be an extra in the Disney movie, "Halloweentown III." I'm also still calling Everwood to be an extra there, but extra work isn't what I want to do. I want to be in commercial work; I want to be onstage. Ultimately, I want to sing. I'm still working on my CD, and that will be coming along shortly.

Anyway, I've been typing here and I still haven't come to a conclusion of what it is I want to say. What is it that I, as an individual, want to say to the world? (Or, the three people who read this...?) The first thing I want to say to everyone is love yourself first. You will never be able to love others, or feel the love others have for you, if you cannot love yourself. Reread that sentence if you didn't get it the first time. Love is the ultimate power. Love can be found anywhere, but you must first recognize love within yourself to be able to see it elsewhere.

The second thing I want to say to the world is to laugh. Find that happiness, that joy, that the world has to offer you. Smile at someone, and share that joy. Watch your favorite, silly movie with someone you care about. Read the comics. (I keep a selection of comic books next to my toilet for visitors to scan through while they, uhm, visit...) Watch old reruns on Nick at Night; they are classics.

The third and final item I wish to share...is to live. Do yoga. Meditate. Share your life with someone. Get out of your apartment, your house, or your comfort zone and meet people. Find out one new thing about someone you care about. Share your own story with those around you. I do not see the bus loaded with strangers; I see the bus loaded with friends I have not yet become acquainted with. Do you see what I mean?

I'll write more on these three subjects later on. It's nearing eleven o'clock at night, and tomorrow is a full day for me. So, till next time...

Pensiveness, or is it just a Pain in the Ass?
As I sit here at 2 in the afternoon, I am very thoughtful. Full of thought, full of it, I suppose I am just pensive. Yet, I don't know what PENSIVE means. I guess I could open a dictionary, but I don't own one. I suppose every good author should own one, but I feel that my vocabulary should not rely on a book. I should just go with what I know, with what I feel.

I'm going to get a job at UPS, and I'm going to try for a day job until school starts up full time in the fall. I'm thinking Discover card could hire me on as a flex-time employee. I mean, I owe them some money, so they can just give me a job and I'll pay them with that money.

I'm chatting with my new roommate on Yahoo! Messenger right now. He's trying to get into shape, and he asked me to help him with that once we moved in. Well, last night I asked him to go to the gym with me. (There is a fitness facility in the apartments we live in.) He says I am pushing him too hard, and that he has to find it within himself to start this whole regimin. It just upsets me that he feels that shitty about himself that he can't start it.

Okay, this whole entry is once again been a rambling entry. I need to focus and do the things I need to do today. I need to get information on my family, and write down all of my old addresses.

Oh, and Kim, in case you are wondering what my Yahoo! Messenger ID is, it's allamerican79. Minus the period. But you probably know that. Anyway, I'll see you all again in a few days, and tell you how UPS went.

New Place in SLC
Well, I've done it. I am in my new apartment in Salt Lake City, and I love it. It is so nice, and I'm looking out over the pool area right now. I'm so excited. My wireless connection to the internet sucks though. It keeps on turning on and then turning off again. While I've been typing this, I've been kicked off three times! I've been able to keep this window open so I don't lose anything, but come on! I've been trying to chat with friends, and I keep on getting kicked off of Yahoo messenger. Ugh.

Krispy Kreme has Magical Powers!! Wow...
It's amazing to see yourself through the eyes of other people. You suddenly become a rare, valuable gem with magical powers. Well, maybe there are no magical powers, but I can pretend, right? When you become used to seeing yourself one way, you become set in that view. For me, my value has been dropping due to my loneliness. Being alone has a huge impact on how you feel about yourself. When you encounter someone who sees you as you really are, you suddenly become aware of how low you view yourself.

Okay, some of you might be thinking, "Wait a minute. Just a minute ago he's pissed off about being called 'Krispy Kreme' by his friends, and now he's thinking he has magical powers." Well, I've been seeing myself through someone else's eyes for a while now, just a few weeks really. That Krispy Kreme entry was just me blowing off temporary steam. This entry has been stewing in my mind for longer.

Anyway, I move to SLC this Friday! I am so excited. I cannot wait to get things going.

Does the Mirror have Two Faces?
My mind is wandering today, and I feel the need to type just to get it focused. I feel caught up in a hurricane, and I just need to get to the eye to wait out the storm. I've had a few gusts of wind added in the last few days, including betrayal and exhaustion. I found out how certain "friends" truly feel about me. One person in particular I am very dissapointed in is Chad. He puts up a front of being a nice guy, and then laughs at your ass. Two-faced, back-stabber, just a jerk; those are only a few examples of names I've been calling him in my head. Now, I expected shit like this from Rich, he's just that kind of guy; but Chad? We've been in shows together, we have classes together, and I thought we were friends. Not best friends, mind you, but I didn't hate him. I still don't hate him, despite the kind of person he has turned out to be. When you carry anger for a person, the only one burned is yourself. I cannot hate or have negative feelings towards others, simply for my own benifit. People in the show (Scarlet Pimpernel) have been advising me to get back at these guys, but there would be no lasting positive change for any parties involved. {sigh}

Trip Time
Tomorrow is my sister's wedding. I fly out tonight at 7 pm, and I'm excited for her. I'm writing a letter to her, and I'll post it here when I'm done.

I suppose the only reason I'm blogging right now is to update the world on my life, but there's not much news to spread around. I'm looking for a job in Salt Lake, and Austyn and I are approved for our apartment. I love my new place. It's sweet. I just need a job. I've emailed UPS, and I've filled out an online application for SkyWest. I suppose I'll see what happens with those two when I return.

Up late again...
Okay, guys, I'm really not a late night kind of guy. It just seems that, lately, I've had a lot on my mind. I need to get a lot of it out here in my journal, then I can let my mind rest.

Tomorrow, I have a huge day. Homework, job hunting, apartment searches litter the back of my mind, yet all of these minions seem to have taken a back seat. I've thought a lot about some of my newfound friends. First of all, there is Spence. Wow, where to start with this guy? I don't know. Perhaps I shall return to him later. There is also Don and Jerome. These guys are awesome. I wonder if they know how much I care about them. I respect both of them immensly, both for different reasons, and they entered my life only a few short months ago. I have TREMENDOUS respect for Jerome, who has been seeing the same guy for five years. If that guy (Scott) hurts Jerome, I will hurt Scott. Physically. Don is a different story. I respect him so much for his honesty. He is true about himself to everyone he meets. He has no qualms or fears about who he is. I feel that is a true gift for him. I have been searching, trying to find that strength. I hope to find it soon, but I have a great example in Don. LOL, I don't even think those two know about this journal. I might have to clue them in soon.

Another thing I've been excited about has been this move to Salt Lake. I feel my life will really take on shape when I move there. I'll have a job, I'll be a student, and I'll hopefully have a relationship. I'll also have a very supportive roommate in Austyn. We are going to help each other grow and we will have our own little support group.

I feel I need to give everyone some background on Austyn. His real name is Durahn Rasmussen. (If I spelled that wrong, let me know...) I met him as Austyn Reilly, which is his stage name. No, he doesn't dress in drag and lipsync, but he dresses nicely and sings karaoke. He's a great guy. The connection we had was instantaneous. I feel like I was supposed to meet him and get to know him for some reason that will present itself soon.

Okay, it's late. I really need some sleep. I've gotten some of my thoughts down here, and my to do list for tomorrow is growing as we speak. The longer it gets, the more my mind settles. I just need to keep it by my bed and let tomorrow take care of itself.

Damn, my hair is long.