My Journal

August 7th, 2002

Based on my friend's website, I've decided to add my own online journal so those of you who want to can catch a glimpse of what I am up to. Fun! Aren't you all so excited?

Well, first of all, it's the last week of the summer semester here at Weber State University. I'm majoring in Musical Theatre, and I may be double majoring in Communications or Journalism, but we'll see how that pans out. I'm super psyched for this upcoming semester, cause I think it will be WAY better than summer semester, basically because there will be more people there. I'm hoping to get this RA position I applied for, everyone keep your fingers crossed!

I'm working for Taco Bell still, and hopefully I'll be able to quit there soon. I just feel so greasy and gross when I leave there, I have to take a shower right when I get done. I'm thinking of either getting a job at the Ogden mall or with Blockbuster...if anyone has a good idea what I could use for my job, please let me know. Just no more food service, please...I can't stand all of that...

Well, I'll let you all know more of what is happening in my life as they come. I don't want to tell you all everything now! LOL...just keep this page bookmarked, and I'll update it at least once a week...

January 2nd, 2003

Well, I guess I should start off by apologizing to everyone for not writing in my online journal. It's been a whole semester, and that's a long time to catch you all up on.

I've survived a lot this past semester. I had a lot of failings, and a few successes. One thing is that I met someone really terrific...everything is up in the air as of the end of the semester, and I haven't seen her since, and I don't want to mess it up by naming her on my site (yet!). But I think she knows who she is, so I'll say hi to her here...(insert tiger growl here in the styling of Austin Powers). Grrr, Baby, Yeah!!

I decided against the major in Communication at Weber State. I am a people person, but not a technical people person. I am more the "let's have a party" people person. And party I have! I attended the AAT show (Assoc. of Actors and Tech's), my oh my, let me tell you all how hot that was! (read the following in the style of Mike Myer's character Linda Richmond from "Coffee Talk") "It was like buttuh!" There was a certain someone who is nameless on this site who was in it, re~insert Austin's tiger growl. GOOD NIGHT she was amazing. Okay, I think I'm over it for now. My good friend Paul was in it, let me tell you all how much I admire this man. He amazes me beyond amazement. His family is just excellent, he has a wonderful wife whom I adore, and two little kids that are just the most fun I've seen since my neices and nephews. His wife is pregnant, wow, I can't wait to see this next one. I hope that when I get married and start a family, I'll be as happy as he is. My thoughts are running off the track towards someone, but it's way too soon to tell. Oh, one thing she said that crushed me was, "Oh, you are the Will to my Grace, only you are straight." I'll just continue on. Oh, wait, one more thing, she attended the AAT Christmas party in her old prom dress, and was she eveh so fine.

Okay, I'm done with that particular topic.

I stayed in Utah until the 13th of December, when I flew home. I only had the chance to say a brief goodbye to the woman previously discussed. But, I digress again...let "Will" continue. I have really enjoyed staying in Missouri. The first one I really HAD to see was, of course, my baby boy, Buddy. He's still as pudgy as ever, but man did he get excited. He has little doggie asthma, and whenever he gets too excited he has a reaction like no other! It's like a backwards hiccup, the vet discribed to me. Anyway, he got all worked up and that was awesome for him to remember me.

Now, don't get me wrong. I've really missed my whole family, from my grandparents to my little nephews and neices. Tomorrow I have some extra time, so I'll be uploading pics of all of them, just so I can remember them and share them with all of my friends in Utah. It was wonderful to see my Grandma Gwen and Grandpa Dick. I've got a few pictures online now, but it's not completed. To see my family, click here.

I was worried a TON about my Gma, because she had a stroke over Thanksgiving. I can't lose another Grandparent for about a year. I'll tell them they can't die for that long. After that, I MIGHT be ready to lose another loved one. But, recently, I lost my most vibrant, shining example. Well, it's been a year and a half, but it still seems recent in my heart.

My Grandma Beth was taken from us after a long battle with cancer. One of the best gifts I received for Christmas this year was a copy of the scrapbook of her life. My aunt made it, and shared it with all of her kids and Grandkids. I'm planning on scanning my favorite pages and sharing them with the world through the internet. I want everyone to know what a wonderful woman she was and still is in my heart.

It's so strange, I have a huge lump in my throat as I type this; tears escape my eyes. It's not strange that tears happen at all, but strange that it should hurt so much. What is it about death that tugs at our emotions so? Even when I know she still exists in another state of being, I mourn the loss of her physical being. Her body has long been laid to rest, and yet I cannot let her memory rest. I think of her often, and pray that she is my gaurdian angel. I even talk to her sometimes; I try to work out my problems with her and God.

She had a knack for finding discounted items discounted even more, and she let everyone know how much it had cost. I can hear her voice echo in the house of my cousins, the Raia's. "See this? Cost me $2, when it started out at $30." She was always so thrilled to find a good bargain.

I remember when I was little, too young to remember how old I was. We, my cousins and I, were having some kind of arts and crafts afternoon while most of the adults went shopping. My aunt Pauline helped us, I remember. Oh, the memories of Aunt Paulie. I have some stories to tell...but back to my origional train of thought. I was painting a white cat for her, even though I was scared to death of her white lion~beast. But, because I knew she loved her white cat so much, I painted it white. Everyone was making her something, and we laid our crafts out to dry on a windowsil. (Spell check that, somebody...)

Well, during the night, a strange wind had blown, and picked up my cat magnet for my Grandma Beth, and threw it into the gutter below. Well, this gutter wasn't your normal gutter. It had a grate that my tiny fingers could not get around, and it was deep. I asked my cousin Aleesha, smaller than me by a few years, to help me pull the grate out and steady me as I went for the magnet. I learned my lesson that day as my head said hello to the brick wall. What lesson it is, I still haven't figured it out completely. Let's just say the grate and the brick wall worked in conjunction as my three year old cousin sat in horror as blood ran down my face.

A few harmless stiches and 15 years later, that magnet is the only arts and craft item that remains to be found anywhere of my Grandmother's items. I am not saying that she loved me more than the other cousins, because that is not true. She loved us all equally, and in different ways. But because she kept it, I am reminded that her love for me flourished and finally trumped the brick wall that attacked me. I pray for her love to protect me as I try to find myself and my way through this world.

So, getting that scrapbook was the best gift I can remember getting, because it came from the heart and shall be cherished long after my sweaters have gone to shreds and my deoderant used. It also reminded me of a gift I have to give. There are people in my life that I need to love while I have them with me. I was reminded this when I went to Utah, and was away from everyone. But this time, I think it stuck.

I know that I have discussed nephews and neices and grandparents a ton in here, but I have to give some credits here to the nuclear family I grew up with. And by nuclear, I am refering to my parents and siblings, not insinuating anything about the relationships and fights we have had. It's nuclear versus extended. Come on, people, read a book.

Dad

Okay. My dad. My dad is a CPA here in Kansas City, and he is darn good at his job. I know one of his clients rather well, and he respects my father and trusts him immensly. Apparently my father is a great worker (hehe), and I've learned a lot from him. He's a little rough around the edges, not the smoothest guy, but I respect him for it. He carries his flaws with him and learns from them. Past mistakes have remained as that ~ past. For one example, he and a family friend (my dentist since I've had teeth) were on the treadmills at the gym, and I was close by. I think my dad was trying to impress the good doctor, and went a tad too fast. He fell off of the back of the treadmill, and fell hard. Oops. To this day he will only walk on a treadmill.

One side note, for Christmas this year his gifts to my mother was based on the theme of Dr. Seuss ~ he gave her
Meat Roasting Roasters,
Glass Holding Coasters,
and Nursing Shoe Loafers!


Well, all joking aside, he has only perfected himself and his manner of parenting as he has lived his life. I'll let you all know, I haven't shared my dissapointments with him lightly, and I my heart spasms every time I think of some of the things I have said and done in the past few years to show it. But I respect him and love him for all he has ever done for me. He continues to be resilient and loving to me, even helping me financially through college. I don't understand how he has had the patience to deal with me. But somehow, God has granted him the gifts needed to show me my weakness.

The memories I have of my father show a determined working man. He has struggled to show emotion his whole life, but he is working on it. When his emotions show through, they really show themselves. I remember him crying as he hugged an old friend in church, and seeing joy on face. I don't know what had been happening, I was only a young child. I remember his sorrow when his uncle died. We were on our way home from seeing him when he got the news. All of us children were herded away from the sound of his cries.

It is strange to me that I have these memories rise when I think back on his influence in my life. But the biggest memory I have is a father and son campout that was hosted by our ward. Some other boys said they had seen bear tracks, and as young boys do, we ran off to capture the bear. We never found the bear, nor his tracks, and we got lost. To my young mind, we were lost for what seemed to be hours, maybe even all day. I remember my relief as I ran towards the campsite to find my dad. He was making breakfast when I found him, and I realized we hadn't strayed that far at all. I remember crying as I told him I had been gone. He hugged me, and fed me, and told me to stay close. How profound his reaction had been. I didn't realize it then, I only epiphonized a few years ago the depth of his statements. (Is 'epiphonized a word?)

First, he comforted me to let me know I was safe in his care. He fed my starving little body so I would stop shaking and get warm again. Then he reminded me that I only needed to stay close to his protection so as to not get lost again. This was a lesson I learned so long ago, and yet I needed it a few years ago as I faced my own demons. They were not mere imaginary bears, but devils that have been conquered. The lesson my dad showed me, either on purpose or just the parent trying to soothe a weary, scared child, helped me overcome a lot of hard times in my life.

I have moved away, and the support has been there. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually, I have moved away from him. As always, I have returned to his side to find warmth, comfort, and love. I have had him in my life as a constant support and a steady guide.

Momma

As for my mother, God bless her, what a woman. It's now after midnight, and she has just emerged in her pink robe to tell me how late it is. I just hope she can understand how I can't leave this be for now. I think she thinks that I'm trippin' on 'shrooms! Well, in her language, I'm crazy for staying up this late. But I have to tell the world what I think about her. (insert Jaws music here...hehe)

I love my mother. There is no way around it, and no escaping it. There are times when I cannot stand her, and times I wish she were with me to hold my hand. I've had to witness her struggle with the death of her own mother. I had to watch as her heart broke, and I had no way to comfort her at that time. I wasn't a little boy anymore, that could crawl into her lap and cry with her. I wasn't man enough to sit and hold her. I just watched as my heart broke vicariously with hers, not reaching out physically at all. The only thing I knew to how to do was help through music.

Grandma Beth's favorite hymn had been A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief, and she loved to hear me sing it. I sang it at her funeral, along with my brother~in~law, Anton. It took every ounce of strength I had not to bawl in the chapel. Afterwards, I worried that people would have thought me as stone hearted, but at that point in my life, I knew better to take those thoughts of "what do they think of me?" and toss them out with the trash. I thought that if I could stay strong for my mother, she could stand and bury her mother.

I also played the piano at her viewing. I was trying so hard to help. I played hymns and a few lines from different songs that I remembered by Kenneth Cope and a song called "Angel Eyes." I couldn't remember all of both songs, so I had to combine them. I don't think anyone noticed I wasn't playing it all. After I was finished playing, I think one of my sisters took over, I don't remember who. I went to say goodbye to Grandma, and my mom asked me to kiss her forhead as a final token. The little boy inside me was so afraid and trembling. I didn't know if I could bear to do it. But I did it. She was so cold, and Robby wanted to warm her up. But Jake turned and hugged his Momma, and walked to the chapel for the funeral.

For those of you who don't understand, my full name is Robert Jacob. Only recently, since a little after my mission, I've been going by Jake. But the little boy that I cherish inside I refer to as Robby.

I have had the love of my parents to guide and protect me, and I love and cherish them for that.

My, my, this little journal entry has turned into a chapter in the book I hope to write someday. I've had a lot to think about in my spare time these last few weeks, and I finally got around to getting maybe a third of it down. But, my pillow awaits with open arms, and I rush with half-closed eyes.

I had a wonderful Christmas vacation, and I want to share even more with you. Goodnight world, I shall continue in the morning.

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February 26th, 2003

Okay, I didn't continue the next morning. I was so tired and so emotionally drained that I slept a LONG time, and didn't feel up to writing anymore. I was going to continue on with my family, with my oldest sister, Harmony Ames, next. I love every single one of my siblings, and have special memories with every single one. However, today, I am not moving on with discussing my family. I hope to do that another day.

One topic on my mind is my service mission to Nauvoo this summer. Yes, I made it...I will be a young performing missionary. It's a dream come true; a dream I've had ever since I went with my Grandma Gwen to Nauvoo. I had never been before, and I loved it. My two older sisters and my cousin Sarah Saucedo went with us. I have been to Nauvoo multiple times since then, and every time I have come away with the sincere desire to serve there. One time I went there as a Boy Scout, and hiked the path that Joseph Smith took on his way to Carthage Jail. Another time, after my full-time mission to Salt Lake City, I was a counselor for a youth trip our stake took. This summer is the last time I will be able to serve. I'll be too old next summer. It's the last time to fulfill a dream, and Robby deserves that.

I've had friends tell me not to do it. People have encouraged me to get a job performing here in Utah. There are many chances I could take. Paul even told me I should continue on with summer school instead. I just can't bring myself to throw away what I have acheived.

Right now, I am sick; I have some sort of flu or cold that makes it hurt to breathe, and so I took the day off of school. I could hardly dance, and I have two dance classes on Wednesdays. I have rehearsal in three hours for The Mystery of Edwin Drood, in which I am a member of the dance chorus...so I'm not too thrilled to go perform that today. Today's the first time we will run all the way through the show without stopping, and we'll have notes after. Ugh. I'm not sure if I can do it...but I will do it.

Anyway, that's enough whining! I'm a little bit behind in my intermediate acting class. We have a huge character analysis due tomorrow, and I'm not done! With that in mind, I'm going to go off and do that now.

Later that same day...

Well, I have to say that I'm impressed with myself. I've managed to write twice in one day! Well, hopefully I will continue to add to my online journal. I'm thinking I'll have to limit each page to a few entries, with the lengths I am writing.

I am working on my class assignment as I write this, so hopefully I am not being to "spaz"tic for you all. I'm also drinking a Vitamin C drink that my friend Nate introduced me to. So far, so good. Thanks for looking out for me, buddy.

I guess I should also confess to my diet pal that right now, I'm eating Reese's peanut butter cups (which I LOVE!), so sorry about that. Might I also add that my diet pal also happens to be the previously mentioned young lady...who found this online journal. Do you know, that between the time that I wrote last and the next time I saw her, she knew I had written again? What is this? I'll never know... But, now, I don't feel like I can be truly honest here. It's like she is hovering behind me, right now, reading what I write. Aaah! Hmmm...I need another zinc lozenge...

September 18th, 2003

Wow.

I have returned from Nauvoo a different person. I have had experiences that have changed my very outlook on life. I wish I could type them fast enough here to tell you all about them in this space, but I find myself lacking the words to tell some, and the will to tell other stories.

It is a bittersweet feeling to have left Nauvoo. While I loved being a Young Performing Missionary, it is not something that I wish to go through again. It was a trying time for me; a testing time. Everyone that I worked with I loved to a degree, and now that it is over I have no regrets about anything that happened there. I cherish the memories and the friendships that were forged there. It is difficult for me to express what exactly happened to me there. I couldn't even tell Jamie everything that happened. All I can say here is that there are people that I love with all my heart, and it hurts me that I cannot be close to them. I wake up in the morning, sad that Elder Elder is not in the bed next to me; that I will not get up and go perform with the other YPM's that I came to love. I wish sometimes in the morning to have an Elder Brower to wake me up with enthusiasm. I hate not shopping with Elder Gowey, my companion. I walk through Wal-Mart alone, and remember with a smile how he would shop. I hate not sitting next to Sister Noble and Sister Chadwick on stage, making faces at them and handing Noble a different thing every performance. I hate not going with Sister Sperry to perform at Rendesvouz. When I walk to the gym, I wish that Elder Rollins were going with me. I miss the penny whistles. I miss singing hymns with the whole bunch of them before we perform. I hate not seeing all the Elders in my rear view mirror when I drive. (I was the designated driver for the Elders...lol) I miss playing tricks on the sister missionaries. I miss hearing the band play on the band wagon. I miss talking with Sister Rampton at Sunset. I miss the bugs. I miss the senior couple missionaries. I miss Sister Davis. I miss Nauvoo.

All that being said, I must move on. A new chapter in my life is being created. I am in the fall musical with Jamie in the dance ensemble! We are Revelers in "Celebration". I am excited to perform here again. It will be different, though, because Paul is no longer here. It's strange not to have a buddy to pal around with. He's such a good guy. He's in Germany, last I heard. He's still getting a divorce, and I feel for him and his family. If anyone knows how to get in touch with him, let me know!

I am still struggling with depression. I'm taking my meds, and that is helping, but some days I don't get out of bed. It's happened twice now since I've gotten back from Nauvoo. I need some good friends. I have Jamie, she's a good friend. (Well, she's a GREAT friend! As Jim Christian put it, "A Jake without a Jamie is like a day without sunshine!" We are going to make t-shirts...) There's Dustin and Nikki too...they are all great friends. But I still feel alone. I feel that I am destined to be alone for the rest of my life. I feel abandoned. (That last one is related to one MAJOR thing that happened to me in Nauvoo, but unfortunatly, I can't put that on the internet without tarnishing someone's reputation...) I need to think of all those that helped me and who love me. I need to remember that I am loved and wanted by many people. There are so many people rooting for my success. I am rooting for my success.

I talked with my music instructor about my struggle with depression, so she would understand why I wasn't in class those few days. I didn't want her to think that I wasn't there because of a personal reason; but then I did it again today. A lot of why I don't get up is related to my physical self - I am so tired and groggy. I never seem to wake up until later on in the day. I usually need a stimulant to wake me up, like Excedrine or caffeine pills. I think I need Ritalin, but my doctor here in Utah thinks I am drug seeking. I have a hard time concentrating, and I find myself flitting from topic to topic. Even while I've been here typing this, I've been surfing the web and checking email. I have to wait to see a counselor here at Weber State until next Wednesday; thankfully, WSU offers free counseling to students. I just need to see one and get some help. I want to overcome this and move on with my life so badly!! I want to be "normal" and not have to worry about all of this. I suppose I'll just have to be patient with myself and try hard not to do anything detrimental. I don't have suicidal thoughts, thankfully. I'm grateful my self-esteem has grown enough to not have to worry about that anymore.

November 10th, 2003

Wow, soon I'm going to have to start a new journal page. This is getting crazy, how long it is... Okay, here's the deal with me now; the show is over, I'm not doing well in school, and I thought of running away from Weber State and start over. I was planning on moving to Salt Lake City, but that's not going to work out anymore. I got a HUGE wakeup call from some well-meaning friends. I need to finish my degree at Weber State, even if it means staying up here in Ogden. (I abhor Ogden...) So, I'm not moving, I'm staying in school up here as long as I can afford it. I'm looking for a job, even though I might be in a show at Hale Center Theatre. I need to start supporting myself, and not depending on others, ie my parents, siblings... I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm getting I's in two classes (I means incomplete...) and I'm failing everything else. I've hit rock bottom it seems, and there is no safety net to keep me from getting bruised. My best friend Austyn is worried about me, and he wanted me to drive down to SLC to see him, but I'm too depressed to drive. It would be great to see him, though. In other news, I just bought The Very Best of Sheryl Crow. She always makes me feel better, so I'm listening to that right now.I love her new single, The First Cut is the Deepest. That's how I feel right now; heartache seems to be the lot life gives me. There have been good times, ie Nauvoo, but even that brought me heartache. What's even harder is not being able to express to certain people what they mean to me. Wow, Sheryl is singing Strong Enough now. That seems appropriate for my situation. Right now my heart aches for a certain person that I thought I was over. Lie to me, but please don't leave...God I feel like hell tonight...yes this song is appropriate.

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Journal for 2004

Wow, the last bit of 2003 was hard on me. But I'm past that. This journal page is complete. It's time for a new page, a fresh start. I'm very happy and content with my lot right now. I'm not dating anyone, but I'm okay with that. It occurs to me that I never felt complete unless I had someone there to lean on, to be comforted by. I'm very glad to say, I like myself. It's not love, but it's a start. It's a GREAT start for 2004.