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I live in NYC, and one of my favorite methods of transportation is taking a taxi. When something isn't within walking distance, I'll hail a taxi. The only problem is the taxi drivers.
Now, my mom takes taxis too. And she loves her taxi drivers! She has all kinds of discussions with them. One of them asked her out once. But me, my taxi drivers are perverted, horny, camel fuckers.
Most of the time you'll get into a cab, you'll say hi, he'll say hi back, you'll tell him where ya wanna go, and he'll take you there. And he won't say a word the whole time. He'll be cursing off everybody outside of the car... be as long as you're inside the car you can enjoy the ride.
Sometimes, however, you aren't this lucky.
My first horny taxi driver, who inspired me to write a song (one of my friends' favorites... though not my personal pick) entitled Camel Fucker, was an Arab dude, most likely Pakistani. My first website ever, www.angelfire.com/mo/psychoes, I made with two friends. They made all these pokemon pages... and the rest of the site was built on the stereotype that all taxi drivers are Pakistani. That is untrue... they're all Indian... and occasionally they're Russian but most of those dudes work for the dial-a-car service. But there are a lot of Pakistani taxi drivers. So we start chatting... he asks me if I just came from school, and I said yeah I did, and he asks me where it is I'm going, and I say I'm going to get my hair cut. So he asks me about my classes and what grades I get. And then he asks me if i have a girlfriend... and he starts digging into that subject a little bit. He starts asking me how far I went, "did you kiss her? Then you got to, you got to touch the breasts, did you touch the breasts? Did she touch your dick?" And he keeps going on and on... asking me how far I've gone. And then he tells me that when he was my age (13) he had gone all the way. "I began to... to, how you say, fuck? when I was in seventh grade". Then a thought pops into my head... and I almost say, prolly with a camel. But I manage to restrain myself... but I start laughing to myself. So he's like, "what, you don't believe me? It's true!" And I said oh I believe you, still trying to restrain my laughter. So I restrained it until later that day, and then I wrote a song about it. Coming back from the hair cut appointment, I was worried bout having another horny fuck as a cabby. So the driver, and old Indian dude, asked me if I had money (sometimes they assume that just cuz you're a kid you don't have money) and didn't say a word the rest of the time.
Well, actually, before I go on bashing taxi drivers, I think I should tell you that on one occasion, coming back from a guitar lesson, I had a wonderful driver by the name of Toma Lucia. If you wanna read his story, I did write an extremely short story about him, so click here. He was Rumanian, and he was a sweet, funny dude. Anyway, back to the cabby bashing!
Now, I've had a lot of horny cabbies, and I wish I could tell you about each and every one of them, but I realized that that story is better when I tell it than when I write it. So I'll tell you that cab stories, and this cab story. This is the one out of the many picked because I know exactly what he said. You see, my watch can record things. And I decided to record the ride. And coincidentally, this was one of the most entertaining cabbies I've ever had. Now, I think the dude was drunk, cuz he sounded like it and occasionally he'd mutter incomprehensibly to himself. So when he did that I just wrote down the approximate sound he made. Anyway, me my dad and my brother were going on a ski vacation for three days. He saw our skis, and immediately broke out into an uninterrupted story...
"Yeah, I love to travel. I went to Africa, instead of the Galapagos. It was amazing. We saw lions, cheetahs, rhinos, hippos, elephants, monkeys. Boy, those monkeys were rough. We had an elephant scare. This one elephant, we were watching him cuz he was having sex. Trying to make out... ublhgrm... yeah we sar him watching 'em. We knew he was horny... cuz he was drippin' urine n' tryin' to make out with her. Those monkeys were rough. He was drinkin' beers outside n' this monkey came by and said, the fuckin' monkey my friend's like fuck you and he had 5 beers and monkey stoled them! Picked em up and stoled the beers. My friend, he sar him and said "fuck you monkey" and tried to take the beers back so'n he could drink it and the monkey said "yeah right" and punched him! Right in the head... I mean, I got your beer it's good I don't wanna give it back, right! Them monkeys are smart! They's smarter n' you an me, ya know. Maybe not put together, but they's smart. My friend, he's like in a coma now or somethin' cuz them monkeys are strong too. Yep that monkey took his long arms and then WHAP! Haha you're darned tootin' he did yes sir. The elephant was really somethin', though, cuz he had an erection and his stuff was all over the place n'... ublhgrm... so he sar us watchin' and he was mad, you betcha, and he didn't charge us but he walked fast at us and I was sitting right where you are and got the best shot of my life. Vanessa was like "close the window Bob!" But I said he'll turn the car over ifn' he wish so that don't do no good and I took a picture and he had big tusks. Them elephants are 5 tons and all. The lions, I doubt they could take a cave beast in a fight. They're 2000 pounds and lions are only 600... but lions are faster n' smarter and they have teeth, but they sure couldn't take a kodiac bear, nosiree! Kodiacs, they're 9 feet. Cheetahs, they're 200 pounds like me but I wouldn't take em. Ah! This guy ain't a taxi driver! You see him? Drivin' slow he just let that car pass! Oh another! God I swear if he lets this car pass I'll smack 'em! Anyway you are hockey or basketball fan? I'm a die hard Knicks fan only been to hockey games once. The tickets are expensive though. 1500 for 1st rowers, ya know that? Umhm. Celtic games are bad, but playoff games are the best. Once when I went to a football game I got tickets. The guy asked me you want 30s 40s or 50s. I said don't care, long as I got seats. Then I went in and they guy said I got ripped off. The guy had busted into the office and stoled tickets. He was must've been makin' $2000 every week. Great seats. Did he let you in? I'm turning on the radio, hope it don't bother ya. I say we're going to the finals and losing this year. Patrick Ewing can't shoot from outside... The Old Jew On ya guy... he's much better n' him. And ya can't guard Shaq, just push him and then shoot. He has no confidence in Camby though, and he's our best rebounder. That was a great trade. Always playing Johnson instead. That's not right. Camby's just as good as Oakley and we have him for another 8 years. In the 90s the knicks have done better than the Yankees. Cuz hte Yankees suffered the the beginning and Pat Riley gave us 2 .700 seasons. 60 and 20. Boy those elephants at the zoo, when they urinate or take a dump it's like a shower. This is Delta right here. Get out. Bye."
Ya know, it can be really freaky having a horny taxi driver. But it's a great story to tell to your friends. Every once in a while when we're just chilling somebody will say, "hey, Richard, tell him about your cab drivers!" And it inspired me to write that song, which is one of my friends' favorites. "Hey, Richard, can you rap the Camel Fucker song to us?" So although it's scary and you feel a bit violated, horny taxi drivers make life interesting. Take Andy Kauffman for example, who in my opinion is a comic genius. Nobody laughed at what he did when he was doing it. When he was making fun of southerners and Jerry Lawler and wrestling woman and playing the male-chauvinist pig nobody laughed. They were offended. But when they learn that the joke is on them, and when people saw Man on the Moon, they laughed. Or at least I did. That was the funniest movie I've ever seen, and it was a drama! So the horny cabby experience might not be a fun one, but afterwards when you tell the stories, people laugh. And I forgive those taxi drivers. I'm happy they were horny.
If ya wanna see some more taxi driver stories, visit NYcabbie.com.
