random thoughts & quotes
"Remember, only you can prevent axe murders."
- adapted from Smokey Bear
"Good... Evil... Why's it matter, I'm the one with the gun."
-Armies Of Darkness
"The classically-minded among us may have noted a new TV ad for
Microsoft's Internet Explorer e-mail program which uses the musical
theme of the "Confutatis Maledictis" from Mozart's Requiem. "Where do
you want to go today?" is the cheery line on the screen. Meanwhile,
the chorus sings "Confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis,"
which means "The damned and accursed are convicted to flames of hell."
"I feel naked without my watch."
response: "I feel naked without my clothes."
-ScullyDK80
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the
leather straps.
-Emo Phillips
"When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy.
When planets do it we say they are orbiting."
"I want you to remember that no bastard ever won a war by dying for
his country. He won it by making the other poor, dumb bastard die for
his country."
- George S. Patton, Jr.
"The secret of life is breathe in, breathe out."
-Cait
"A lot of good arguements are spoiled by some fool who knows what
he's talking about."
-Maria
"A few questions to ask
1. What exactly is a mulberrybush?
2. What makes a weasel go pop?
3. Why the hell is a monkey chasing a weasel?"
-Andrew Gutierrez, age 12
"Insanity is just another state of mind, only more fun"
- the Hackrat
"make something idiot proof and someone will come along and make a
better idiot"
-The Hackrat
"There are many ways to die in bed, but the best way is not alone."
-George Burns
"Any group that includes Charlemagne, Rock Hudson, Paul McCartney,
Leonardo da Vince, Benjamin Franklin, Jack the Ripper, and the Boston
Strangler must be select, if not elite."
- author James de Kay on left-handedness
"Why is it when a guy talks dirty to a girl, it's harassment and when
a girl talks dirty to a guy, it's $3.99 a minute!"
"If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the
mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic."
"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no
choreography and the dancers hit each other."
"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.
And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never
expect it."
"When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call
the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and
started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns."
"Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to
calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the
doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know
what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck
in the side of it's head with a note that says 'You.'After that I
usually feel a lot better, and no harm done."
"I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little
children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming...They
don't know I'm only using blanks."
"Life is hard. After all, it kills you."
"Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean someone isn't following
you."
- FRESHJlVE
"As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not
important that you understand what I'm doing, or why you're paying me
so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so."
- Hunter S. Thomspson's attorney
"Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
Congress. But I repeat myself."
- Mark Twain
"You don't have to be faster than the bear, you just have to be
faster than the slowest guy running from the bear."
- Georgia Tech professor
"Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research."
"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to
yours."
- Yogi Berra, baseball catcher, manager
"Do not needlessly endanger your lives until I give the signal."
- Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower
" I'm not gonna hurt her... I'm gonna KILL HER!!!"
- Nick Gregorio, acting as usual
"Sick days are the same as vacation days, but with sound effects."
- Dogbert
"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in
human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and
tequila."
-Mitch Ratcliffe, _Technology Review_, April 1992
"I beg to differ."
"I beg you to SHUT THE HELL UP!"
-Algernon Henry, student at Masterman H.S.
"Do you know how many things I can do with a pencil?"
"I'd rather not know."
-Travis Poteet and Algernon Henry, Students at Masterman HS
"Stupid old people... When I grow up, there won't be any old people!"
"There are two main poisons in the vegetable kingdom. Fourtunatley,
they are both easily identifiable by taste."
-Bushcraft
"When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear."
- ibid
"May you live all the days of your life."
- Jonathan Swift
"You put a baby in a crib with an apple and a rabbit. If it eats the
rabbit and plays with the apple, I'll buy you a new car."
- Harvey Diamond
"If elected, my first act will be to kill the whole lot of you and
burn your town to cinders."
- Rafi Berkson
"Did you know, that underneath my clothes, I'm naked?"
- Andrew Green
"A tree fell in the woods and a man didn't hear it...he's dead now."
- DamionLock
"May those who love us, love us. And those who don't love us, may God
turn their hearts. And if he doesn't turn their hearts, may he turn
their ankles, so we'll know them by their limping"
- Old Celtic Saying
"Life is hard. Then you die. Then they throw dirt in your face. Then
the worms eat you. Be grateful that it happens in that order."
-Excerpt from a poem by Nik Stamps
"Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change."
- Sign on a toll both
"I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode."
-Nik Stamps explaining something to a kid
"Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply."
-Sign seen on a locker
"I wish we could all go naked- then I wouldn't have to do the
laundry"
-G. Melinda Nelson
"You can't fight evil with a macaroni duck!"
-Arthur
"I'm so cool, that I'm beyond cool! I look down on cool and say to
myself 'Whoa! That's a long way down!'
-Lawrence "Stud" Hockett
"When I was a kid, I used to play with fire and burn the other kids,
they said that they were going to feed me to the flames, and they
did. You know what? I liked it."
"Life is like a vaccum...sometimes it sucks, sometimes it blows."
"Life's a bowl of punch, go ahead, and spike it."
There was never a genius without a tincture of madness.
~Aristotle
The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
~Walter Bagehot
A true friend stabs you in the front.
~Oscar Wilde
Razors pain you, rivers are damp,
acids stain you, drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful, nooses give,
gas smells awful; you might as well live.
~Dorothy Parker
"Oh, oops, nevermind. You have that pesky little spontaneous
combustion problem."
~Teresa Knight, from JuliaL's fanfic Mother's Curse
"There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good
sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more."
-- Woody Allen
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is
suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
-- Rita Mae Brown
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a
bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
-- Jerry Seinfeld
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war.
Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little
Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there.
corkscrews. Bottle openers. Come on, buddy,let's go. You get past me,
the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe
clippers right here.
-- Jerry Seinfeld
Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when
God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
-- Lily Tomlin
"Lyle, how can you expect me to have a conversation with you when
you're laying there with an erection?"
--Jody, It's OK if You Don't Love Me by Norma Klein (The Queen)
"I haven't liked him since one night this July when we went for a
walk and we stopped for a while to sit on the swings at a grade
school playground. After a while we went on the little merry-go-round
and he got so dizzy he had to get off. I don't know why, but every
time I think of him getting dizzy I get so disgusted I can't stand to
look at him."
--from the book Seventeenth Summer by Maureen Daly
(It's a girl describing to her friend why she doesn't like her
boyfriend anymore.)
"I just don't see how the male race can continue on in life thinking
that they are the almighty. Men are complete and total scum, all of
them are ass holes."
--Alison Franklin
"There's no such thing as a stupid question, but they're the easiest
to answer."
--Tech Support Guy
"Do you know why God witheld the sense of humour from women? That we
may love you instead of laughing at you."
- Mrs Patrick Campbell. (1940) "The Life of Mrs Pat" M.Peters
"Hi, I'd like a *really big gun* that holds a lot of bullets."
"Bless you, my son."
- Christian Slater & gun shop owner, Kuffs
" If someone were to harm my family, or someone I love, I would eat
them."
-Johnny Depp
"I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known."
-Walt Disney (Kinda makes you wonder, eh?)
"GUNS DON'T KILL PEOPLE- I KILL PEOPLE."
-Happy's ex-bosses shirt in the movie Happy Gilmore
"It is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved ever at
all."
Response: "Oh yeah? TRY IT."
-Will Smith, Men In Black
"It's the so-called normal guys who always let you down. Sickos never
scare me. At least they're committed."
-Batman Returns
Though we adore men individually, we agree that as a group they're
rather stupid.
~~~Chicky from Mary Poppins
"Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my
way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City, to take back the child
that you have stolen. For my will is as strong as yours, and my
kingdom is as great. You have no power over me."
~ Sarah, Labyrinth
"My Name isn't *FUCKING* *Waren!* !!"
~Waren, Empire Records
"I don't really know my parents. But as far as I can tell, they're
ass holes."
-Teeny, Now and Then
" Damn the man, SAVE THE EMPIRE!!!!!!!!"
~Mark 'empire records'
'everything ends badly; otherwise it wouldn't end.'
- tom cruise [cocktail]
I only speak two languages - English and bad English.
~Corban Dallas, The Fifth Element
If I could write the beauty of your eyes and in fresh numbers number
all your graces, the age to come would say this poet lies, such
heavenly touches n'er touched earthly faces.
"When a peron is insane..as you clearly are, Do you know that you're
insane? Maybe You'r sitting around, masturbating in your own
feces...do you just stop and go 'Wow! It is amazing how fucking crazy
I really am!'?"
~Brad Pitt, IIIIIII (7), Seven
"Little practicalities! Never..In..The..Home!!"
~Lestat, Interview
"Your number one goal is to sleep with as many people as possible"
*Cruel Intentions-Sarah Michelle Gellar's Character
We all go a little mad sometimes. Haven't you?
~Norman Bates, Psycho
I am not under any orders to make the world a better place.
-Troy Dyer 'Reality Bites' (1994)
Jack Torrance: Wendy, darling, light of my life, I'm not going to
hurt you. I'm gonna kill you.
Cowboy: Why, it's the drunk piano player. You're so drunk, you can't
hit nothin'. In fact, you're probably seeing double.
[Cowboy draws a knife, and Doc Holliday takes out a second gun]
Doc Holliday: I have two mother fuckin' guns, one for each of ya.
Mrs. Tasker: Have you ever killed anyone?
Harry Tasker: Yeah, but they were all bad.
~True Lies
Jessica: I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way.
~Who Framed Roger Rabbit
"Are you going to hurt me?"
"Are you asking because you're scared or because you want me to?"
"I'm just trying to plan my day."
--Eugene Sands (David Duchovny), Ray Blossom (Timothy Hutton), and
Eugene again, Playing God
"I just figured it was normal for things to be shitty."
--Samantha, repeating what Teeny had told her years ago, Now and Then
Devon Sawa "You're Dead?"
Seth Green "UnDead, Actually"
Devon Sawa "What Happened?"
Seth Green "We saw this big bright light and we were like, forget
that.. too far."
~Idle Hands (1999)
"Hasn't anyone ever told you? Second hand smoke Kills."
"Yeah, But their all dead *exhales smoke*"
~~ppl frm H2O
Sarah:"Romantic dinner, candle light, soft music-"
Charlie: "-Animal Sex"
~H2O
"Scott..."
"Yeah?"
"If you tell anyone about this, especially your brothers, I will beat
the shit out of you."
-Roberta (Christina Ricci), Scott (Devon Sawa) and Roberta again, Now
and Then
"And I certainly haven't seen no fuckin' psycho murderer..."
--Ty, I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
(one moment before a hook jabs into his throat)
"He's probably running around in his grandma's panties, rubbing
peanut butter all over himself."
--Brad Pitt,Seven
"Everything I have ever done has been for you."
--Ethan Hawke, Great Expectations
"Just because the guy's got a fucking library card doesn't make him
Yoda."
--Brad Pitt, Seven
"If you kill him, he wins."
"He wins."
--Morgan Freeman and Brad Pitt, Seven
"Do you have some obsession with swans? I mean, is there some swan
fetish that we need to work out here?"
--Will Hunting to Sean, Good Will Hunting
"I know you were hoping for a good-night kiss tonight."
"To tell you the truth, I was hoping for a good-night lay."
--Skylar and Will, Good Will Hunting
"My brother killed my sister when she was seventeen"~chicky
"Well thats really suckey, how'd he do that?"~guy
"With a really big kitchen knife"~chickey
"I didn't do it. Nobody saw me do it. You can't prove anything."
- Bart Simpson
"I'm somewhere where I don't know where I am!"
- Homer Simpson
Bart: "Look behind you Radioactive Man!"
Marge: "Why are you talking like that?"
Homer:"And who are you talking to? Marge, do you have other men in
this house? Radioactive men?"
- The Simpsons
"'Cause nobody EVER suspects The Butterfly..."
- Bart Simpson
"The more things change, the more they suck."
- Butt-head
"Washington D.C. Mayor Marion Barry has said he wants local
businesses to create 5000 summer jobs for area youth. He also wants
some crack."
- Saturday Night Live Weekend Update
"Washington D.C. Mayor Marion Barry is on a 10 day visit to Africa.
He says he like everything about it--but he really misses crack."
- a later Saturday Night Live Weekend Update
"Fools! We will destroy you--and steal your Miller Lite."
- bad guy, Miller Lite kung fu commercial
"Just because I don't UNDERSTAND doesn't mean I don't CARE."
-Homer Simpson
"I will not encourage others to fly."
--from the chalkboard at the beginning of The Simpsons
"Son, you don't have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you is
that . . . you're a dumbass."
--Eric's father on That 70s Show
"I tied up an air phone for three hours. I don't speak Japanese, but
I think some businessman told me to stick a piece of sushi where the
sun don't shine."
-Mulder
"Mulder, did you see their eyes? If I were that stoned --"
"OOOH! If you were that stoned what?!"
--Scully and Mulder
"I would never lie; I willfully participate in a campaign of
misinformation."
--Mulder
"Business must be booming"
"I think you mean banging."
--Scully and Mulder (about dead prostitute)
"Maybe it'll start raining weenies and marshmallows."
"Mulder, you need to keep warm. Your body's still in shock."
"I was told once that the best way to regenerate body heat was to
crawl naked into a sleeping bag with somebody else who's already
naked."
[snuggles closer]
"Well, maybe if it rains sleeping bags, you'll get lucky."
--Mulder and Scully
"What's wrong with Baywatch?"
"You've got a dirty mind." --Mulder and Gibson (kid
that reads minds)
"I was merely extending her professional courtesy."
"Oh, is that what you were extending?"
--Mulder and Scully
"I mean, there's nothing weird about-"
(toads start falling from the sky, then stop)
"So, lunch?"
"Mulder, toads just fell from the sky!"
"Maybe their parachutes didn't open. What did you say about this
place not feeling odd?"
--Scully and Mulder
"You're going to kill me now, aren't you?"
"No, but I'd like to."
--cop and Mulder, The X-Files
"If I kill him, would it be considered murder or suicide?"
"Neither if I do it first."
--Mulder and Scully
"Toad Me"
~Oz to Xander in 'choices', BTVS
Snyder: You. All of you. Why couldn't you be dealing drugs like
normal people? (BtVS)
"I don't want to die on this bus with you assholes! You guys suck!"
~Cartman, South Park
"I find that a great way to get a teacher's attention is to conceal a
capsule of stage blood in your mouth, then bite down on it, fall on
the floor and yell, 'It must be a full moon. For the love of God,
save yourselves!'"
- Daria Morgendorffer, Daria
"I'm sorry, what did you say you do? I thought I heard intelligence,
but that can't be right."
- Lerman, Daria
"Watch your FUCKING language!"
"I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every waking minute of it."
"I plan to live forever or die trying."
Trip: When life passes you a lemon, make applesause.
"Wouldn't it be cool if all the good people went to hell and all the
bad people go to heaven? all you see is a goth flying by with wings
'look ma, weeeeee!'"
"I don't care who I'm burning in hell with. As long as their sexy as
hell and 99% naked. They could have a fig leaf. . .like Adam did in
the Bible."
"If ever you find yourself in a dark alley in the middle of the night
with someone with a definite neck fetish, think very quickly about
the alternative, then bite back."
~JulietL
If I had a cookie I'd give you half,
If I had two cookies I'd give you one,
If I had two guys;...I'd give you another cookie.
"Everyone who has a friend drinks. If you drink, you'll become
pregnant. Does that mean that everyone who has a friend is pregnant?"
If I resurected anyone else it would be considered "evil", but noooo,
he gets resurected and he's "The Lord"
If I was drunk, I'd be Drunk!
I would understand if I understood.
Imagination is more important than knowledge.
- Albert Einstein
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its
limits.
- Albert Einstein
UFOs are real. The Air Force doesn't exist.
"I find you pompous, vain, and completely self-absorbed. Would you be
my friend?"
-Dick Solomon, 3rd Rock From the Sun
"Beyond these doors is an agony worse than all others. You will
remain in here for eternity listening to... whiny protest songs from
the sixties."
--Satan, "Animaniacs"
"I went to a catholic high school our sex ed consisted of a priest
and a nun in front of the class giving each other a piggy back ride
and saying 'if it goes ANY FURTHER...you GO TO HELL!!!' "
~headcheese
"Sanity is the playground for the unimaginative."
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Life's a bitch, and then you die. Let's screw the world and go get
high.
Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
Life is short
So party we must.
A day without sunshine is like...well...um...you know...night.
"Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings. They did it
by killing all those who opposed them."
"Writing is easy. All you have to do is stare at a blank sheet of
paper until drops of blood form on your forehead."
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
"I just got lost in thought. It was unfamilar territory."
"Blessed are the procrastinators, for we will die last."
"Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it is time to get
up."
If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
"I keep a very firm grip on reality, so I can strangle it at any
time."
Souport publik edekasion.
"Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and
good with ketchup."
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
"Growing old may be mandetory, but growing up is not."
HooKt oN FoNIx wRkt fOre mE.
"If you dont like something, change it. If you can't change
it....change the way you feel about it."
"The thing I realized is . . . the fact that my life basically sucks
is a good thing. It's easier. We always have to be able to leave,
pack a suitcase, go somewhere else. Maybe ten years from now, maybe
a week from now. Maybe tomorrow. My advice? Don't get in too deep,
Maximillian. It only makes us weaker."
- Michael, Roswell
Remember it not "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
"To die: to sleep... and by a sleep to say we end the heartache and
the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to, 'tis a
consummation devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep; to sleep,
perchance to dream... For in that sleep of death what dreams may
come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil, must give us pause."
- Hamlet, Scene 3, Act I.
"Movies don't create psychos. Movies make psychos more creative."
-Billy Loomis, Scream
"There are so many things one daily takes for
granted. The blueness of the sky, the greenness of
the trees, the warmth of the sun, the light of the
stars...imagine if it wasn't there...how plain our
lives would be."
-Oscar DeLa Renta
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