Chapter Four The task of saying goodbye was made less difficult when Lou insisted that Rachel, Teaspoon and the boys all go to Sunday church and the picnic lunch afterwards, as planned. It would be hard enough to say goodbye to everything and everyone she loved, but it would have been worse if she had to ride way from the bunkhouse with them all there. The time alone would give her the opportunity to pack her belongings without their silent stares and sad faces. She stood on the porch, leaning against the rail post and waited as they prepared for services.
“Lou, you don’t have to do this you know. You don’t have to go.”
Turning to face him, she held out her hand for his. “Yes I do, Buck. As much as I loved being a part of the Pony Express, I was already getting used to the fact that my riding days were numbered. But without…” Lou’s voice faltered and she took a deep steadying breath so she could continue. “But without the Kid here, and the life I was going to start with him, there’s no real reason to stay on.”
Buck couldn’t face the idea of losing another friend. After losing Ike so tragically only months before, Lou’s leaving was hitting him hard. “What about us, Lou? We’re a part of your life too.”
Lou squeezed his hand to reassure him. “Of course you all are. I don’t know where I would be with out all of you, but right now it’s best I go. Too many memories and too many hopes are here.”
Buck hugged her and kissed her on the cheek. “I wish I could make this right for you Lou. You’re a good woman and you have a good heart. The spirits will always shine on you.”
As he walked off to the stable, Cody and Noah joined her on the porch. “I know I was always teasing you and the Kid, but you know it was only cause I care for the two of you.”
“Cody, we knew. As much as it always riled the Kid, he knew it was done with love. I’ll admit, I enjoy seeing him squirm sometimes.”
Noah placed a hand on her shoulder. “You’re a strong woman, Lou. I know you’ll make it out there. Hell, if you survived us, you can survive anything.”
Lou had to smile at these two unlikely friends. One so pale you could lose him in a wheat field and the other so dark he was like a black stallion. Together, they proved that with friendship and love you could overcome almost anything. She expected great things from both of them one day and told them so. She also knew the Kid could turn to them for support when he returned. “Promise me you’ll look out for him. Don’t let him do anything stupid.”
“Why you still looking out for him, Lou?”
“I’m not leaving because I no longer love him, Noah. I love him still and always will. Actually, I think that’s why I’m leaving. I just want to know he’s got people to look after him.”
Cody spoke for both of them. “We’ll do it, Lou. I can’t promise I won’t knock him upside the head first for being so pig-headed and causing you to leave, but after that, we'll do it.”
With a weak smile and a round of hugs she sent them on their way. Rachel and Teaspoon sat on Rachel’s porch watching her and she crossed to them next. These would be the hardest good byes to do and already she felt the knot in her stomach tighten. Setting foot on the porch, she immediately flung herself into Teaspoon’s outstretched arms.
“Lou, don’t cry, sweetheart. Let’s not look at this as good bye, but as a ‘see you later’.”
“I can’t promise I’ll be back Teaspoon.”
“I have faith, and my last dollar to win back.”
“What?” Lou looked up at him, confusion written across her face.
“Never mind. You take care and know I love you. You mean as much to me as any daughter I could’ve ever had. And as a father, I’m telling you to be careful and come home soon.”
Lou kissed his cheek and left his embrace. Although he was normally a man of many words, today his heart was empty. After hearing her reply of love, Teaspoon walked away, unable to face her any longer.
Left alone with Rachel, they sat together on the porch to wait for the boys to bring the buckboard around. Lou rested her head on Rachel’s shoulder and tried to find the right words to thank her friend.
“Rachel, I don’t know how I can ever repay you for your kindness and understanding.”
“You don’t have to repay someone who does it out of love, Louise. That’s what family is all about. I just wish I could convince you to stay here with us.”
“My minds made up. I’ll be gone by the time you all return.”
“Promise me you’ll come back if you have any troubles.”
“I will. I’ll be okay though. “
“Where will you go?”
“Not sure yet. I think I’ll go get Teresa and Jeremiah in St. Joe and we’ll move on together from there. I’ve got some money saved up so we can get started.”
“That’s an awful lot to take on.”
“It will be good for me, keep me busy.”
“I wish the best for you, Louise.”
“What’s best for me is here, but I’ll make it. I’ll do it with the grace and know how of a strong woman. You taught me that and I’ll be forever grateful.”
Teaspoon pulled up with the buckboard and Rachel rose to go. With one final hug for each other, the two women held on tight and tried not to let their emotions get the best of them. Neither succeeded and Rachel cried openly as she settled into her seat.
Lou stood and waved as the tears streamed down her face. She watched until her family was out of sight and then sank to the steps and cried harder than she had ever cried before. The overwhelming sense of loss was almost too much to bear, but she knew she had to pick herself up by the bootstraps and get her things together if she was going to be gone by the time they returned.
Heading back to the bunkhouse, she wrapped her arms around herself in the defensive position she brought with her to Sweetwater on her first day. She hadn’t used it around the station since Teaspoon learned she was a girl and suddenly conscious of her regression, she dropped her arms and took a deep, steadying breath. If she took nothing else with her from her time with the Pony Express, she would take her growth. She was Louise McCloud and she was proud of it. Holding her head high and her back straight, she opened the bunkhouse door ready to begin the rest of her life.
Kid rode up to the station and was surprised by the quiet calm that greeted him. Forgetting that it was Sunday, he couldn’t understand why no one was out doing the chores or sitting on the porch, waiting for a ride. Vivid nightmares, during the few hours of sleep he actually got, had brought him racing home. Now he feared that the quiet station signified his worst nightmare had come true - he was too late and Lou was already gone.
Dismounting Katy and tying her to the hitching post, he listened carefully and thought he heard movement from within the bunkhouse. Could it be Lou? Could he really have made it in time? He didn’t know what he’d done to deserve this chance to make the woman he loved stay, but he knew he had to take it, he had to grab the shooting star.
Lou heard the door open, but didn’t bother to turn from her packing. Having given up on it being the Kid several door openings ago, she figured it was one of the boys back for a forgotten hat or other item. Trying to sound cheerful, she called out to the faceless footsteps. “What did you forget or are you just trying to ditch church again?”
“I didn’t forget anything.”
The sound of Kid’s voice made Lou freeze in position. She wanted to make herself turn to him, run into his embrace, but she couldn’t make her body move. Placing the shirt in her carpetbag she clasped her hands together to steady them before speaking. “Did you come to see me off?”
Kid could see her body tense as she waited for his reply. “I just came to see you, Lou.”
“I thought you didn’t want to see me anymore or hear anything I had to say. You made that pretty clear.”
“I don’t know what I want, but I do know what I don’t want. I don’t want you to leave.” Kid crossed the room and stood behind her. He moved close, but didn’t dare touch her. Leaning in close, he whispered in her ear, “Don’t go, Lou.”
Lou’s hands came to her mouth to stop her trembling lips and to keep back the rush of words she felt forming there. Her haste to speak without thinking had started this whole mess and she wasn’t ready to go through that again. Taking a deep breath, she inhaled his scent - one that always brought her comfort - and willed him to hold her.
Still speaking without turning she fought to keep the tears at bay. She’d cried enough in the last two days to fill a river and she was determined to leave with some pride. “There’s no fight left in me, Kid. If you’re just here to argue, you’d best move on and let me finish my packin’.”
“I don’t want to fight, Lou. Really, I don’t. I just want to know what happened here the other night. I want to understand how we managed to destroy something that we fought so hard far, in just an instant.”
Lou heard the sincerity and sadness in his voice and turned to face him. She looked at a face so ravaged with pain that it tore into her heart. She hesitated, but couldn’t keep her hand from smoothing back his tousled hair. She peered deep into his eyes. Eyes that once sparkled so bright and blue she thought they were made from the summer sky now looked back at her dull and empty. Trailing her hand down his face she rested it on his unshaven cheek. “I never meant to hurt you, I swear it, but I guess I did a pretty good job of it.”
Kid raised his hand to cover hers and pulled their joined hands to his chest. Hoping she could feel his racing heart, he tried to figure out a way to explain himself to her. He had to make her realize that his heart beat wildly because of her, because she was so close to him, because he loved her more with every beat. “What hurts me most is that you didn’t trust me enough to think you could tell me and that it was only the wedding that forced your hand.”
“Kid, that’s not why! I trust you. It’s me I didn’t trust. I didn’t know how to tell you without causing trouble and in the end I made it worse. I almost told you about it after Charlotte died. I wanted to then because it was more of my story, the one that brought me to you, but I’d already caused you so much pain that day. I just let it slide and figured there would be another time. I guess that time never came and I knew I had to tell you before the wedding. I didn’t want secrets spoiling our marriage.”
Kid let go of Lou’s hand and began to absently roam the bunkhouse. “You think you caused me pain! Lou, what upset me so much that day was learning what Wicks did to you, not your tellin’ me. I was glad you told me, I needed to know about it.” He stopped pacing long enough to look right at her. “I need to know all about you, not just the good stuff.”
“But what about the other night?”
“What about it?”
“You got so angry when I tried to tell you. You always listen to me and I guess I never expected you to just yell and storm off.”
Kid shook his head. “I’m sorry about that, Lou. I was just so surprised. I was expecting you to tell me something else, anything else really, but not that.”
Lou felt some of her fight return. She wasn’t ready for him to get off so easy. They needed to talk about it. “You can’t even say it, can you, Kid?”
“Say what?”
“That I was married. It disgusts you, doesn’t it?”
“Now you’re not being fair, Lou! How am I supposed to feel? I even asked you about it once, remember? When we were at the swimmin’ hole after Barnett’s weddin’. You told me you were too young to be hidin’ any husbands on me, that you hadn’t lived long enough. Why didn’t you say something then?”
“I didn’t even think about it then. I knew you were fixin’ to propose and I was so scared. I just wanted us to go on lovin’ the way we were. “
“Lou, I know that, but I thought then and still do, that what we do, our dancin’, is special. Just between us. Then you tell me I wasn’t your first. How am I supposed to react?”
Lou’s temper was beginning to flare. “Actually Kid, Wicks was my first!”
He was astounded that she would even put that in the same category. “Lou! That ain’t the same! He attacked you. You were a little girl. I meant loving each other.”
“I didn’t lie to you about that, Kid. It’s all so complicated.” Feeling defeated again, she sat on her bunk and covered her face.
Walking to her bunk, he knelt before her and pulled her hands away from her face. “What’s complicated, Lou? Make me understand. Are you in trouble? Are you running from him? Did he hurt you too?”
Lou shook her head no. “There’s no one to run from.”
Kid rose up from his position to sit on the bunk beside her. He took her left hand in his and traced the finger on which he would put her wedding ring. Looking at their entwined hands he knew the space was so right for his ring. He pictured the two bands of gold that were being crafted in Dixon, at that moment. Two matching rings inscribed with the rider’s covenant, both so shiny and new. They were to be the symbol of the start of their life together as well as the tie that would bind them until the end of time. He turned to her to speak and continued to hold her hand, leaving his thumb to caress the spot where her tiny band should be. He couldn’t imagine another ring there, someone else’s ring.
“What was his name?”
Lou couldn’t raise her eyes to his. “Flynn. Flynn Malone.”
“How old were you?”
Lou felt as if a weight was crushing her heart. “I was sixteen, he was eighteen.”
“Did you love him?”
Lou’s tears began again. “Kid, it was another time, another place in my life.”
“Lou, you said that the other night and I said some terrible things to you because of it, things I would take back if I could do that moment over again. I know I made you feel terrible, but I won’t do that this time. You wanted to explain to me and I wouldn’t listen, but now I’m here and if you’ll let me, I’ll listen to you. I know this is painful, but I need to know about it, about you. I need to know so we can survive this. Did you love him?"
Lou stood up and walked away from him. She was afraid to put all her hopes on this tale of her past, but she knew she had to at least try. Kid and his love were what made her whole and she truly felt that her miracle was happening, that she was being given the second chance she needed to make things right. She heard her voice answer him, but felt her mind slip away to the days of her childhood, her innocence. “Yes, Kid. I did love Flynn Malone, but in a completely different way from the way I love you. He made loving you possible.”
~*~*~*~*~
Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five
Chapter Six Chapter Seven Chapter EightChapter Nine Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven Chapter TwelveChapter Thirteen Chapter Fourteen Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen Epilogue
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