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Empty Arms
Chapter I--Wednesday Being with Buck for any extended period of time was like being near deep waters. There was something rich, heavy and calming about him that washed over you if you were still enough to let it. His natural manner and bright humor, which always surprised the riders when they needed it, were a sort of refuge over the past two days. Lou thought on this as the two of them pounded their way back to the Sweetwater station. Teaspoon had sent them on a run to Sulfur Springs a couple of mornings ago. As the run had been an extra, due to an embarrassing foul-up at a station to the West, they didn’t have a pouch to bring back and were able to enjoy a leisurely return trip.
Things had become less strained between her and the Kid over the last couple of weeks, and he had even been up to wish the two of them a safe ride when they left the station just after dawn. This smoothing out of the relationship was a relief to all of the riders who hadn’t known how to deal with the tension that had previously existed between the two or what should or shouldn’t be said around them. Though things were better between her and the Kid, there was an almost imperceptible coolness between Kid and Jimmy now, and though Lou thought perhaps it was just in her head, she determined that Teaspoon had recognized it as well - “and that’s the reason I’m riding with Buck instead of Jimmy. Jimmy and I were up.” She smiled at the thought- Teaspoon who hadn’t recognized that she was a girl until he simply couldn’t deny it.
At first, Lou had been somewhat resentful about the switch from Jimmy to Buck, having looked forward to some time with the rider who was fast becoming her best friend, but Buck’s company and easy spirit had made her realize that maybe she needed some distance from everything, maybe even from Jimmy. She realized that he cared for her in a way she wasn’t able to care for him. “Not right now, maybe. . . No. Time, that’s what this needs,” besides, she had been feeling a little “funny” lately, she decided that it was just the difficulty of dealing with the end of her relationship with Kid, and the tension that was rising between the two riders with whom she was the closest. This ride was a much-needed break, and she had been enjoying Buck’s company immensely.
Buck stole a look at the young woman, well, supposedly boy, who was riding just a few strides behind him. She looked lost in her thoughts, and he smiled and wondered what could be holding her rapt attention, and fixing that bemused statement on her face.
Rides were one of the only times that Lou was really able to think through her life and her relationships. She guessed that the boys didn’t spend nearly as much time thinking about the dynamics of the station and often wondered what the boys thought on during their hours of riding.
She had been missing Emma more lately, though, at least, Rachel had become a good friend. She thought back to the first real “woman” conversation she and Rachel had, well, other than the one in the barn. She had begun to seek Rachel’s advice regarding the Kid, much as she had done with Emma, except now, there was really something to talk about. One evening, the two were simply enjoying some hot tea, as the rain came down outside.
“Mmmm, this is nice, Rachel. Sometimes, I just need some girl time.” She smiled at her friend who returned a smile full of understanding, “You’re my only woman friend, you know.”
“Oh Louise, one of these days it won’t have to be this way anymore. You must be looking forward to that.”
“Mmmm” she responded, non-committally, nodding her head slightly from side to side.
“What’s the hardest part of life like this for you, what is the worst about it?” Rachel asked over her steaming cup.
“Gosh, Rachel, I don’t know. . .I mean, sometimes the bunk-house talk at nights is . . .uh, . . .really something.” she began, blushing slightly. “or when one of them is fawning over some girl and talking about how beautiful she is. . .I can’t help but wish. . .” Rachel nodded as Louise took a thoughtful breath and continued. . .”but honestly, I love riding. The land can just be incredible, fiery sunsets, the green prairie. Even though it can be scary sometimes, it’s worth it. I love being included by the boys too; I feel like I’m really part of something.”
“I know you love it, Louise. . .” Rachel replied, with a look that said more than that. Lou thought that maybe Rachel was going to add something more, something about Kid. Those were the days when Kid was practically driving everyone crazy worrying over her, maybe Rachel was going to try and encourage her to re-think her choice of life-style, and she didn’t want to hear it.
“There is one thing” she hesitated, “probably the worst. . .” both her eyes, and the volume of her voice lowered here, as if someone could have been eavesdropping. “It’s just awful to ride. . .during that time. You know.”
A new smile tugged at the corners of Rachel’s lips, and she set her cup down on the table. “I’ve wondered how you deal with that, that can’t be comfortable.” Louise finally made eye-contact with the older woman, “No, no it’s NOT.” She shook her head and almost laughed. “At first, there were times I’d ask one of the boys to take a ride for me if some of the days worked out, but it was too hard to come up with good excuses. It’s not too bad, it’s not painful, I remember my mother would usually spend a day in bed, but it’s not like that for me hardly at all. What I hate is just the riding part, you know, just with the cotton . . .it rubs and, uuh.” She shrugged her shoulders and screwed up her features to display the utter dislike she had for the whole thing. Lou took another sip of tea, and smiled, trying to stifle a laugh.
An idea struck Rachel and she replied, “You know, since I help Teaspoon schedule the runs, if you can just give me an idea of when you have your woman’s time I might be able to try and work things around a little bit. Of course I wouldn’t say anything” she added, seeing Lou’s eyes widen.
“That would be great, but . . .I can’t really tell when I’ll have it. Since I’ve been riding, sometimes I don’t get it for a couple of months at a time. At least I don’t have to deal with it every month. . .Do you think that’s bad, that something’s wrong?”
“No, I know that lots of different things can change a woman’s cycle. Probably once you stop riding you’ll go back to normal.” Rachel said plainly, wanting to ease the concern that the comment held.
“Well, maybe I just ought to count my blessings then.” the younger woman laughed lightly.
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Buck drew his bay mare up to a canter and called to the female rider, “Lou, do you want to stop and water the horses? We’re making good time and if we ride till sunset tonight we can probably make it back by early afternoon tomorrow.”
“Sounds good.” She replied with a nod.
They were coming up on a small creek that boasted some lush green trees along the banks. It would be nice to enjoy the shade for a while, as the noon sun was starting to shine with some effort.
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Cody opened a lazy eye and peeked out from under the brim of a new hat as he heard at least two approaching riders. He had been napping beneath some welcoming shade trees for the last hour or so and wasn’t looking forward to company. He groaned and sat up, readjusting his hat to sit squarely on his head. Turning, he saw Buck and Lou approaching,
“See, I thought that was his horse,” he heard Lou say. Cody drug himself to his feet,
“Whaaat, you ain’t been sent after me, have you? I’m not due back from my break until Friday and. . .” Buck cut off the blond rider’s whining
“You think too much of yourself, Cody, we hardly even knew you were gone. Except that there isn’t that disgusting sound of you eatin’ at the trough--er, dinner table.” Lou turned her head and stifled a giggle at Cody’s mock hurt statement.
“You don’t look like you’ve been going hungry though, Cody, what’ve you been doing the last several days?” asked Lou as the two slid off their mounts and walked them to the water. Cody joined them on the shore of the shallow creek.
“Lou, you know you’ve been saying you’d like to see a big city? You’ve gotta go try Denver. Cities like that are going to be the future of this country. Denver was amazing!” She could tell that Cody was just getting warmed up and that the tales would begin flying thick and fast very shortly.
“All of the people, and a theater where they held shows every night. And the girls,” here smacked Buck’s arm with the back of his hand, “the girls, Buck, were beautiful. Fine ladies in dresses all the way from Europe. The buildings were tall like I’ve never seen!” Buck grinned and shook his head slightly.
“And now after all of your fun are you broke again, and should we all expect to play William F. Cody’s lending bank?” questioned Lou, raising her eyebrows at him.
“Only ‘til I get paid next.” He replied solemnly, with the faintest twinkle in his eye. “What are you two doing? You seem to be taking your time if you’re on a ride.”
“We ran some mail to Sulfur Springs somehow it was missed on an earlier run out of Rock Creek.”
“And that took two of you?”
“The last rider headed out this way had a little trouble and Teaspoon just thought it would be better to have two of us on it.” Replied Lou, always quick to defend if she felt her abilities were being questioned.
“Hmm.”
“So, what are you doing our here, Billy? All of that vacationing just take it out of you?” asked Buck, attempting to put the pressure back on the grinning rider.
“Aw, I’m just enjoying the day. Um, seeing that I’m a little short of funds, I thought I’d just better head back early, and I’m just taking it slow, you know.”
“Hmm” commented Lou
Cody turned and stuck his tongue out at her. The three of them bantered back and forth for a while as the horses sucked noisily at the water. Lou knelt at the water and washed her face and the back of her neck, just right on a hot day like this; she was wondering if the heat was getting to her, as she was feeling somewhat light-headed. She opened her canteen and took a generous swallow.
“You want to join me and Lou, or will we be too much for you to keep up with now? Looks you’re softening up after your last few days of leisure.”
“Nah, I’d better come with you. Who knows what sort of mischief you wild ones could get into. I suppose this means my nap’s over, though.”
Between the three of them, they came up with some dried venison and a couple of apples that would serve as a hold-over until dinner, and were on the trail within the half-hour.
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The three rode in relative silence for the next several hours. It was quite a warm day, though Kid would have said that it felt like a late-autumn in Virginia. The land was breathing life. The grass was just beginning to whither as the summer rains had ended, and the mid-season wildflowers were still boasting their natural, muted colors. Perfection, it couldn’t have been a more beautiful day, except for the fact that a few more clouds could have shielded them from some of the heat. As the sun drifted towards the western mountains, the land began to cool, and the rhythm of everything seemed to slow.
By the time that dusk had really set in, the three riders were setting up camp in a small open area amidst a semi-enclosure of trees.
The three munched some corn biscuits and picked at a rabbit that Buck had shot before the sun had set. It was quite a shot, and he was pleased, rabbits could be a mess, and you could ruin more meat than they were worth if you hit them in the hind quarters. But between that and some left-over dried venison, they felt as if they were doing pretty well, and their faces flickered orange in the light of the fire. Cody’s tireless voice brushed over the other two riders as he recounted the exploits of the previous days.
“Sunday night,” Cody began with a far-off sigh. “I was enjoying a fine meal after watching a Shakespeare play at the Denver theater.” He didn’t bother to add that he had understood only about half of the words that he had heard of during the performance of “The Tempest;” he had found found parts of it amusing though, and felt that he had caught the main story-line. Nevertheless, he was glad they didn’t ask him to explain the story to them. He went on to describe the city, the streets, the shops, the buildings. . .
“Sounds like quite a trip,” Buck finally managed to interject.
“It was.”
“Fellas, I’m done in, I’m gonna call it a night.”
“Already, Lou? I haven’t even told you about-“
“Tomorrow. There’s plenty of time tomorrow for you to fill with words” she teased, not unkindly. “You and Buck can stay up and talk if you want, you won’t bother me.” Suddenly, Cody saw the young woman grimace.
“Woah, what was that? You ok?” he said, his voice clearly concerned. Buck, turned his face towards Lou to see if he could determine what had caused the comment.
“Yeah, fine, I think something I ate is just sitting wrong with me. I’m just gonna sleep it off.”
“Well, I’m glad I don’t have that problem too often.”
Lou smiled with her lips pursed tightly together and wrapped her blanket tightly around her and settled in for the night.
The boys stayed up and chatted for another half an hour. Buck telling about how Noah and Ike had each been haranguing one another over a little dun mustang that they were having a devil of a time breaking. How Rachel, tired of doing laundry for the “ingrates” refused to do the last load, and any load thereafter unless they learned to give “credit where credit was due.” Pretty soon she had all of them apologizing, and Jimmy and Ike swallowed their pride and actually hung the laundry out for her the following day. It was an amusing site, he had to admit.
The fire began to die down, as did the energy levels of the two young men. Cody placed some more wood on the fire before the two turned in.
The fire popped once loudly, and Lou opened her eyes. She was cold. She knew it really wasn’t a cold night. The boys seemed comfortable enough, even though the fire had burned down to just a pleasant glow. She pushed herself up and reached out for the worn leather coat that she had draped over her saddle. She struggled to put it on, fighting the cramping that she felt in her lower abdomen. “Damn,” she thought to herself, “what’s going on with me(?)” She pulled the blanket tightly around her and she curled herself up into a fetal position. She forced herself breathe deeply and slowly trying to fight the ache that was eating at her. Suddenly, she felt another cramp that made pin-points of light dance in her head.
“What the hell?” Her mind raced. She tried to swallow the panic that rose like bile in her throat. She was not going to get frantic; she wouldn’t, dammit! Maybe if she could just rest a little longer, it would pass. Several cold minutes stretched before another cramp hit her, and she sucked in a loud breath before a quick sigh escaped her. Buck lifted his head and looked with clouded eyes at the girl lying slightly opposite of him. The fire was low, and he was able to make out the agonized statement on her face and the position of her body. “Lou?” he whispered. Her eyes opened, and he could see the fear that had taken up residence there. “shhh” she mouthed to him, raising a finger to her lips. Cody lie undisturbed, always a sound sleeper, a fact for which Lou was now thankful. She bit her lips in between her teeth as she fought back tears. He rose silently and went to her. Kneeling with his back to what remained of the fire, he placed a concerned hand on her shoulder, “Are you okay?” She couldn’t bring herself to speak, and she tried to choke back a sob. “Are you hurting? What’s wrong?” The volume of his voice rose as his concern grew.
“I’m not sure. . .it hurts.” And yet, she did know, or she thought she might know, but it couldn’t be. . .no. The petite rider pushed herself onto both hands, and drew up her legs under her, her forehead on the hard dirt below her. “I. . .I don’t . . .oh God,” she cried, as she realized that she was bleeding. It just couldn’t be, she told herself, over and over again in her head. I can’t be. . .I would have known. “I can’t be” she caught herself saying aloud. Suddenly, Buck felt as if sleep was a million miles away as his mind tried to grasp what was happening.
Several feet away, Cody stirred, “What’s going on?” he said confusedly, his eyes moving from where Buck had previously lay, and now focused on the two forms across the fire.
“Lou?” Buck said seriously, looking into her eyes with a question. Her face contorted in pain, the pain of him knowing, the sheer embarrassment that made her want to melt away; she turned away from him and gave a sob. “Can you please take me away from the fire?” He paused for a moment, almost confused, not sure what she was thinking. That hesitation was all Lou needed, she pushed herself up with a quick movement, and nearly fell over as she tried to hold the blanket around her--if he wouldn’t help her, she’d just go herself. Her frustration and fear were now rising in relative proportion to one another. Buck, falling back on instinct reached out and grabbed her, slipping one arm under her two legs, together in the blanket and the other behind her, he lifted her up smoothly. The thought crossed his mind “she’s near light as my saddle.” As the thought struck him, Buck knelt to grab the side of her bedroll with his hand that was under her legs, and he turned and walked into the cool dark.
It didn’t matter what she said; the moment couldn’t have been more mortifying. “If I could explain,” she thought. She mumbled and sobbed into the front of Buck’s shirt as he carried her gently several yards from where the other rider now sat, his eyes fighting to follow them into the blackness. “When I was thirteen, I was. . .raped by some bastard - animal,” a sob shook her “he just about killed me. . .the doctor said I’d never have children. . .I didn’t . . .” She gasped as she felt another cramp tear at her. “I’m so sorry. God, please...” Her voice faded out on the last word.
“Shh, Lou, it’s okay, you’ll be alright.” He whispered into her hair. With a snap of his wrist, he was able to put out her bedroll, and still hold her to him. He lowered himself slowly to his knees and lay her gently on top of the makeshift bed, and stared at her with deep concern. Her eyes were clinched shut, and yet a couple of tears still managed to escape from under her damp lashes, though Buck could not see them. He placed a hand on her face and stroked her hair with the other. Lou shook her head and rolled herself to her side, back to the position in which Buck had seen her when he was first awakened.
She couldn’t bear to open her eyes. Buck knelt there, uncomfortable, scared, wanting to help her, to comfort her, knowing that there was nothing he could do that would ease her pain or take away the shame and humiliation that she must have been feeling. He swallowed hard, trying to get the nerve to ask her if he could do something for her.
“Please Buck,” her pleading voice was almost inaudible. “Look in my saddle bag. There are a couple of bandannas in there, I think.” Without a word the young man rose to his feet and walked swiftly towards faint glow that was all that existed of the previous fire. He turned to look at the Cody who was staring back at with a haunting question in his statement. Buck didn’t answer a word, but his face said it all. Cody winced, and seemed to tremble for a moment. He drew his knees up, rested his arms on them, and buried his face where they crossed. After only a few moments Buck found what Lou had asked for, and then, thinking again, he went to his own saddle and came up with another one.
“Cody.”
He raised his head from his arms. “Do you have any more?” Without a word he reached out to his saddle bags and removed two additional bandannas. Buck took them from the blond rider, and walked back into the blackness.
Her eyes were still closed, but her breathing was more steady. He wondered for a moment if she had gone to sleep. “Thanks” she said, reaching a hand outside of the blanket shell she had wrapped around herself. He placed them in her hand, and hesitated, wondering what he should do next. “Will you, . . .go away, please . . .”
He thought of how the deer and wild animals, and even dogs would find a place to be alone when they were giving birth. . .or dying. . .and he understood her desire to want to protect herself, to be alone at this time, but he didn’t want to go far. He wanted to be in ear-shot.
“Lou” he said softly. “I’ll be just a little ways away, all right? I’ll be in the dark, so I can’t see you, okay? If you need anything, honey, I’m nearby.” She didn’t respond, and he took this as either agreement or, at least, acquiescence, and walked several yards away from her and sat down.
Lou lay there in the darkness. The darkness was soothing, even as her body seemed to be attacking her. She wanted to pray that everything would just end, that the sun wouldn’t come up, that she wouldn’t have to face what was happening to her, that she wouldn’t have to face Buck and Cody tomorrow morning.
She fumbled with her belt and the fastener on her pants. She shrugged them to her knees, and worked one of the bandannas down her long-john bottoms. “God, I can’t believe this is happening” it was half a prayer, half a question. She wanted to break down again as she had to once again face what was happening to her. “What have I done?” She curled herself up tighter and pulled up the blanket over her face like a child. Somehow that was comforting, and she felt that same comfort that a little girl feels hiding from the dark, knowing that the blanket doesn’t protect her, yet, believing it would at the same time. As long as the world was out there, and she was curled up “in here” she didn’t feel so ashamed. All that her world contained now was the pain in her body and the darkness that nursed her.
As she lay there, experiencing the dying of the first life she had ever conceived in her body, her mind couldn’t rest. How could she have been pregnant and not known it? She thought back to the last time she and Kid had been together. . nearly two and a half months, could that be right? She hadn’t really been sick, nothing really out of the ordinary. One time she had thrown up- Rachel made her stay in bed the rest of the day, but she had been fine since. How could she tell Kid? Should she? He had worried about this possibility when they had been a couple. She couldn’t bring herself to explain that she couldn’t - or thought she couldn’t- get pregnant. Anyway, he had clearly been ready to move on, his interest in Samantha had proven that to her. She began to tire of the questions and the worries. Her thoughts were dragging her in circles, over the same tired territory, over and over again. She didn’t want to believe this was happening, and that two of the boys she had been riding with for just over a year were awake and aware of what was going on. She wanted to convince herself that maybe this would all end, like a dream, that she wouldn’t have to face Buck and Cody,. . .hell, and herself after this night. She was too tired to keep this up. Once, twice she traded bandannas and put the blood-covered rags in her coat pockets, thankful she had put it on. She couldn’t possibly let the boys see. She realized of course, that the boys had given her their bandannas. She decided that she would buy them new ones as soon as she got the chance. . .if she got a chance. . .was she going to die? No, she forced the thought from her mind. No, she would be fine, and she would just buy some bandannas and fold them and put them on their bunks. She had done that once for Jimmy. Once, after he had been shot, and ruined another one of his shirts, she had bought him a new one and placed it on his bunk when no one else was around, there was no doubt about who had done it, but she liked doing things like that.
The night crawled by for Buck and Cody. Buck sat in the darkness, hearing Lou whimper and sigh every once and a while, straining his ears for any time she might call to him. He wished Kid were here, . . .no, on second thought, maybe not, that might just be the worst thing. Kid would no doubt be over-wrought, it would make things harder on Lou. It was clear to them all that he still loved her, as much as the two of them tried not to see it. . . “Argh, What kind of hell is this?”, he thought, setting his jaw in frustration. . .Maybe it would be better if Jimmy were here. He just didn’t know. He was becoming chilled, but didn’t want to move from his spot to go and grab his blanket. He and Lou had never been close, and though they loved one another as brother and sister, he knew that maybe she needed someone who was a close friend to her right now. “Well, she’s got me. . .and Cody. We’ll do our best.” He’d never felt so helpless to help someone he loved before.
Time and time again he fought the urge to go over to her, to ask her if he could do anything for her, maybe she was wanting someone to be with her, but he wouldn’t let himself. She was proud and bull-headed, he knew, but it seemed that she realized her limitations and was asking for help tonight. If she needed him, she’d let him know, and he’d do whatever she asked.
Cody was even more anxious than Buck. He couldn’t see or hear anything. He only had a guess at what was happening, and he hoped more that anything that he was wrong. He mustered up a couple of prayers as the night dragged on, not knowing what else to do. Could she die? The young man felt that if anything happened, he would know it- that Buck would call for him. He realized that he wasn’t needed-or wanted- out there, where they were, and so resigned himself to poking at the fire, getting up a couple of times to collect small branches and feed them into the new flames as a way to work off his nervous energy. The thought crossed his mind to take a blanket to Buck, but he didn’t want to risk anything to disturb the situation. Besides, he was slightly night-blind, a fact that he hated, and was concerned that he might even trip over Lou in the dark. He sighed, frustrated at the whole thing, worried and angry and at an utter loss.
Finally, after what seemed like days, Lou was exhausted and cold, and really was miserable past caring about what was happening. Something told her that it was over, and that she was going to have to live and face this. She realized that the insides of her coat pockets were probably blood-covered, and she hoped that she wasn’t going to appear a terrible mess. She would just have preferred to die, she didn’t want to look as if something had happened to her. In the morning, perhaps she could try and wash up before the boys got up, but didn’t feel as if she would be able to get the energy to rise before them, or perhaps at all. She folded and arranged one more clean bandanna before wrestling her pants back up over her hips and closing them. Gathering her courage she called softly in the direction of the man closest to her.
“Buck?” He was sure she had called for him, and he walked towards the small bundle of blanket and Lou. “Do you want to go back to the fire” he asked her softly?
She nodded, closing her eyes again.
Cody’s heart beat faster as he heard Buck approaching and saw the young woman in his arms. Buck’s eyes met his as he lowered his miserable cargo onto her bedroll, and she turned away from the firelight, so that the boys wouldn’t be able to read her statement.
“We’ll stoke the fire up,” Buck said gently. He had felt her trembling as he carried her back to where they had all previously been sleeping, and didn’t want her to have to ask.
Lou nodded her head, “thanks” - though she didn’t meet his eyes. She wasn’t sure if she’d ever be able to.
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