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Empty Arms
Chapter II--Thursday The next morning was slightly overcast, and the sky was a muted gray as the sun poked up over the horizon. Lou awoke, and without moving, listened for the voices or the movements of her companions. She wasn’t going to turn her head and look, afraid she’d find one of them watching her. Maybe they weren’t even awake, maybe she had woken up before they had. Then, she heard the sound of one of the boys stirring the fire, and realized that she wouldn’t be able to ignore them forever. She heard a whisper and one of them rise and begin to walk away. Lou took a deep, silent breath and rolled to her other side, to face the facts.
It was Buck, kneeling at the fire, and watching her with a warm statement.
“Morning” she mouthed, forcing herself to meet his eyes.
He approached her slowly and knelt several feet from her head, “How are you feeling?” he said gently. She blinked and swallowed hard, then nodded, “ok”. She didn’t yet trust herself yet to speak, afraid her voice would break and she might begin to cry. She felt utterly drained, but still didn’t want to risk it.
“I’ll make some tea for you. Will you be up to eating something?”
“Maybe, I’ll drink something, I’m not real hungry.”
“Alright, just rest,” he dared a tender smile, trying to take the edge off of her embarrassment.
She gathered up some courage, sat up without looking up, and grabbed her canteen. She walked away from them into the grove of trees near where they had made camp. When she was sure she couldn’t be spotted removed the one clean bandanna from the sleeve of her coat and poured cold water onto it. She washed her hands and then her legs and thighs. She found that her long johns had dried blood on them. She didn’t want Rachel to wash them, and tried to think of how she would manage to take care of them herself without having to embarrass herself in front of their “station mother.” She was cold again, of course, but she didn’t want to take any of the water that was being heated. She accepted that fact that the boys probably knew what she was doing, she just didn’t want to seem so conspicuous, it was still too humiliating.
She emptied the three other bandannas out of her pockets and decided that she would hide them in the tight knots of branches at the base of a large scrub bush. She worked without thinking. She couldn’t let herself fall apart. She just wanted to get home--for this to simply be forgotten, though she knew it couldn’t be.
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Over at the fire, the boys were speaking in hushed tones.
“Was she okay? I mean. . .”
“It was a bad night, she’ll make it though. She’s just really ashamed, I think. I mean, just try to imagine being in her position.”
Cody nodded solemnly. “Poor thing. I just can’t believe it. . .Will we need to wait till tomorrow to travel, or should one of us go ahead?”
“I don’t know.”
Cody poured coffee for the two of them, and was in the process of pouring an third, when Buck interrupted him.
“Hold on. Put some more water on, I’ve got some tea that will be better for her, probably.”
A few minutes later, Lou walked slowly back to the fire. Wishing she would just sink into the ground with each step, but determinedly walking toward reality.
Without a word, she folded her blanket in thirds and lay it on top of her hot roll, which she rolled up swiftly and tied with two thin cords. She turned then, to sit on it, and Buck handed her a steaming beverage.
“It’s hot,” he cautioned.
“I see that.”
The silence was causing her such anxiety, she didn’t know what it would take to make things seem more normal. It was surprising that Cody hadn’t ventured to say something. Cody however, knowing his propensity to say the wrong thing at the wrong time, didn’t trust himself to break the silence.
With hands wrapped gingerly around the tin cup, her eyes fixed on the small fire, Lou took a trembling breath and began, “Will you please let me tell people, how and when I want? I don’t want you to tell.” She was pleased with herself--that she sounded so together; she didn’t even hear her voice waver.
“Whatever you want, Lou,” Cody replied, finally releasing his tongue.
She looked up into his blue eyes and thanked him with a glance. Her gaze wandered to Buck who was thoughtfully chewing a biscuit, “Of course” he said simply.
Cody looked at her steadily for a moment, “are you feeling okay?”
“Yeah, I’m okay.” There was momentary pause. “They’ll be expecting us today, at least me and Buck” she remarked--to neither of them in particular, just trying to address their thoughts.
“Are you going to be able to ride?” questioned Buck
“Yes” she replied definitively, with a little more force than she had intended. “I’ll be fine,” she added, trying to smooth out her tone.
The rest of the morning was simply taken up with tending to camp chores and preparing for the ride ahead. The boys tried to make some small talk, and Lou did her part, but it all felt awkward, and Lou simply wished that she could ride in the other direction when they set off.
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She realized, not a couple of miles into the ride that the boys were letting her pace-set and though she appreciated it, in a sense, it made her even more self-conscious. She pushed the pace somewhat faster than she physically would have liked, but she wasn’t going to move any more slowly, her pride was too raw for that. She wanted to ride as if nothing had happened the previous night, but they were all too exhausted for that--and besides it would have seemed frantic and foolish for her to force it. They stopped twice during the day to water the horses and rest a spell. Neither time did Lou request it, though she was inwardly thankful when Cody and Buck, each in turn, brought up the suggestion themselves.
They rode in silence. As they traveled on, and to Lou’s relief, the night’s events and Cody and Buck’s relation to them seemed to grow somewhat fuzzier and further away, relative to their distance from the campsite. Several times during the day Lou felt the stalking approach of the feeling and memories just before they pounced upon her with devastating clarity. Twice, she let herself toy with the possibilities of what would have happened had she not have lost the baby. How would she have told Kid? No doubt, Kid would have proposed marriage, “yet again,” she thought bitterly. She was angered at the thought of it. “He would do it because it would be the ‘right thing to do,’ not that he really gives a damn.” She let the storm clouds of this prediction stay but momentarily before she replaced them with the equally impossible fantasy of the two of them choosing names for the child and looking forward with anticipation to its birth and what it would be like to have a baby nursing at her breast. Kid would be a wonderful father, she thought. A smile tried to creep to her lips, but as it did so, reality blindsided her and replaced it with the stinging of tears. She again steeled herself and attempted to push the ideas out of her mind.
The Sweetwater station rose into view a bit before dusk. They wouldn’t be too late, but Lou knew that if it hadn’t been for her that they could have arrived hours earlier.
They rode up to the bunkhouse, and Jimmy came out the greet them.
“Can’t say we’re surprised to see you before dinner. . .since Cody’s with ya.” He grinned sardonically.
“Just make yourself helpful and take Lou’s horse, Hickock,” Cody retorted. Lou shot the blond rider a glance as she slid off the back of Lightening.
“Thanks” Lou said, not looking at the dark-haired rider whom she handed to reins to. Ike joined them on the porch and silently took another set of reins from Buck, who by this time had dismounted as well. “Hey, who’s gonna take Soda for me?” Cody hollered to the house.
You just got back from vacation. You can handle it Ike signed grinning widely.
Buck and Lou went into the bunkhouse while the three others took the horses to the barn accompanied by Cody’s half-hearted whines.
Noah was the only rider seated at the table, before him was a mostly-empty plate. Teaspoon’s was still something over half-full. “Seconds” thought Lou.
The arrivals began putting their belonging away. “Well, good evening to you.” said Teaspoon drawled, gesturing with his fork.
“Hungry” asked Rachel?
“I could eat” replied Buck.
“Well, sit down, you two, you can get settled in after you have a meal,” said Rachel, setting out two new plates.
“We expected you a little earlier. .” Teaspoon began “waited dinner for you a spell, but... ”
“We got things taken care of” replied Buck as he settled in beside Noah.
“How was the ride Lou?” asked the dark-skinned rider.
“A ride.” She replied blandly. Teaspoon noticed that she was more subdued than usual, and decided that somehow his plan to give Lou some “away-time” didn’t achieve the desired effect.
“Lou, some ham and beans for you?” Rachel asked, as she filled a plate for Buck.
“Naw, just some corn bread, I think. Not too hungry.” Rachel couldn’t help but notice the way Buck caught her eye when she said this, and she wondered what had happened between the two on the ride. She guzzled a cup of water. While Buck explained to the others how they met up with Cody. Lou’s head swam, she just wanted to get a little something in her and fall into a stupor on her bunk, but she felt too grimy even for that.
“Rachel, do you mind if I draw myself a bath after dinner?”
“Well, if you call all that you’re eating tonight dinner. . .” Lou didn’t so much as smile at the remark, and Rachel finished, “Of course, looks like you’ve had a hard day.”
The dinner continued with some small talk and the revelation that Kid had been set on a lengthy run to Cutter Flats the prior evening. Soon, the three other riders came into the bunkhouse.
“Well now, Mr. Cody, might you care to spin us a tale about your vacation?” Teaspoon asked the tow-headed rider.
“Aw, I suppose I’d better eat some to get my energy up, then I’ll be glad to--and y’all will be glad I did,” he replied, and sat himself down beside Lou on the hard bench.
Jimmy groaned and shook his head.
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Taking occasional baths at Rachel’s had become a sort of prerogative, and it was one aspect of being treated “like a girl” that Lou didn’t mind in the least. She tested the steaming water with her big toe and eased her foot in up to her ankle.
“Mmmm,” she sighed.
She worked her way into the water and breathed the humid air in deeply. The light was low, and she reclined up against the back of the tub.
“Don’t fall asleep,” she told herself, feeling peculiarly giddy at the idea, she giggled out loud. “Boy, I really am tired,” she thought. She stretched her ankles and calves and back leisurely and rolled her head from side to side. Then, in a moment of frustrating clarity the thought occurred to her that the soap was gone, and she didn’t even have a wash cloth to scrub off with. She chided herself in her mind, and decided just to call and see if Rachel could bring them. “Makes more sense than climbing out and staggering around the house in a towel,” she reasoned.
“Rachel!” she paused, “Rachel?!” She heard footsteps. The door opened,
“Yes?” Lou turned to look at the older blond woman, who was smiling with a quizzical statement. Lou couldn’t help but break into a sheepish grin.
“I’m so slow, I just forgot soap and a wash cloth. Would you mind. .”
“No that’s alright, Lou. I utterly forgot that there was no soap left in here.”
She walked from the room, closing the door half-way behind her.
She returned and walked the items to the tiny girl, engulfed in the tub.
“Thanks, Rachel. That was dumb.”
“That’s okay, you’re just tired. I understand.”
“Maybe” thought Lou.
Rachel reached down for the clothes Lou had shucked off; they were lying in a pile next to the chair where her fresh ones were. “Here, I’ll take these now, if you want.”
“No!”
Rachel jumped slightly and turned back to Lou, the clothes falling from her hand.
“I. . .uh, I can take care of them.”
Rachel stared back dumbfounded.
“I just, well, let me do it, I can.” Lou explained, fumbling to excuse her previous outburst.
“Ok” replied Rachel, still puzzled by Lou’s reaction. She looked back to the pile on the floor and noticed what looked like dried blood on the longjohns.
“It’s ok,” Rachel said, “It’s no big deal, it happens.”
“Rachel, just. . .please. Let me.”
The young woman looked so forlorn and upset--Rachel wasn’t sure what could have brought this on, but chalked it partly up to the girl’s fatigue. “Ok Lou.” Then after a pause, “do you want to stay for some tea afterward?”
“No, I just want to sleep.”
“Alright. Just relax and enjoy your bath. I won’t disturb you.”
“Thanks” she nearly whispered, breaking her eye contact with her older friend.
Rachel left the room without another word and closed the door.
Lou spent the next half hour mindlessly washing herself and crying with fatigue and misery intermittently. After she was done, she scooped out some of the bath water with a basin and cleaned her long johns. After taking care of the bathwater, which was no small task, she made a quiet and deliberate exit from the house and, in the dark, draped the johns over one of the clotheslines. The bunkhouse was relatively quiet. Buck was in his bunk, listening to another of Cody’s stories as were the rest of the boys, Ike doing so over a game of solitaire.
Lou climbed into her bunk with effort, and was glad to lie down.
“G’night,” she said, more from habit than the desire to communicate. A chorus of similar expressions followed in response and Lou pulled the pillow over her head and sank into a heavy, dreamless sleep, unaware of Buck’s eyes that watched her with concern.
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