|
Empty Arms
Chapter IV--Saturday Kid’s face twisted as Lou told him about that awful night and the child she had lost. The words came more freely than she had expected; perhaps it was the fact that the pressure had been building up so much, and once she allowed the first little bit to escape, everything else would be released in a rush. Kid sat immobile, facing her but not looking at her.
“Kid, if I had known. . .I’m so sorry. You were worried something like this might happen, and” Lou’s voice began to tremble slightly as she dared a look into Kid’s countenance.
“And, WHAT?! If you had known you’d have probably done something to get rid of it. You’re probably glad this happened! Hell, Lou, maybe you even wanted it to happen!” He rose to his feet, and for the first time, Lou felt fearful in his presence. “How could you not have known?” he hissed menacingly.
Lou’s breath caught, the accusation was simply too much--a chocked sob escaped and she put her head in her hands and pulled her knees up to her chest. She felt Kid there in front of her, felt his large and brutal hands on her forearms, and finally, the sheer shock as he jerked her to her feet. Lou couldn’t believe this was happening. Not Kid. Not Kid who had seen too much abuse committed by his father against his mother. . .he would never hurt a woman, never do this. And that’s when she realized--while she was still in her dream, she realized that she was sleeping and forced herself to awaken. She opened her eyes and encouraged them to adjust to the darkness, looking to the presence of each of her bunkmates for comfort. She brought her breathing under control, and let her gaze move from rider to rider. Jimmy was on his back and his mouth was slightly open. Lou felt a tenderness looking at him, realizing that maybe night in the bunkhouse was the most peace he knew these days. Ike was on his side facing the window, and she couldn’t see anything but a slight glint off of his head from the moonlight that was coming in. Buck was snoring lightly as usual. She wanted to move over and peek into the bunk below her, the bunk where Kid generally slept, but she was afraid of waking the others and remembered that he would be back the next day. After reassuring herself that she was safe and that these boys were her family and they cared about her, she was able to close her eyes, and nearly an hour later, managed to find sleep.
Dawn came rapidly, and before she knew it, Lou was involved with the daily ritual of dragging herself out of bed and preparing for the morning. After morning chores, everyone settled into the breakfast table, anticipating the eggs, sausage and biscuits they knew were on their way.
Teaspoon opened the morning as he typically did, commenting on the forthcoming meal, “Rachel, that sure smells good. I reckon I could even eat some of it.”
Rachel laughed in response, “Glad to hear it.” She placed a large plate of fried eggs and another of browned sausage patties on the table, and the boys pounced.
“Civilized, boys! Act civilized.” Teaspoon reprimanded them, and began to tuck a napkin daintily into his collar.
The boys discussed chores for the day. Jimmy was still gimpy due to his ankle but he was determined to help fix Rachel’s porch rather than be stuck hanging out laundry again. There was hay to be spread in the barn, work to be done on the large corral behind the barn and a variety of other tasks that were distributed and bickered lightly over. Rachel finally managed to be able to join the meal, after the biscuits were out of the oven, and she spread butter on one of the steaming chunks of bread. Everyone ate with good appetite, if not vigor, except for Lou. She pierced the yolk of her egg and ran bites of sausage through it with her fork before finally putting them in her mouth. She fought to swallow each bite; unbelieveably, she thought, somehow she felt emptier by the day. How could a life she didn’t even know existed leave such a pain in her heart? She really wanted someone to talk to, but she wasn’t sure that the miscarriage was what she wanted to discuss. She didn’t know what she needed, but she needed it badly.
“Whaddya think, Lou?” Cody asked. She was suddenly aware that the conversation had moved to include her.
“Um, ‘bout what? I wasn’t paying attention. .sorry.”
Cody gave her a puzzled look, “Nevermind, it was just a joke, really.” Lou nodded and forced herself to raise another piece of sausage to her lips.
A few minutes later, Jimmy tried to engage her in the conversation once, but she brushed his attempt aside.
“I’m gonna go see to that foal.” Lou said, rising from the table.
“You hardly ate anything, Louise.” Rachel replied.
“It was plenty. Thanks, Rachel.”
As the door shut Rachel made up her mind that she would sit the young woman down and have a talk with her that afternoon. She obviously was not sleeping well, and her lack of appetite was worrying Rachel as well.
“OK. Kid’s not here, so what else could be Lou’s problem?” Jimmy asked, putting his fork down, obviously waiting for a good answer.
Buck stared methodically at his plate, not daring to look up at Jimmy who had an uncanny knack at reading people. He put a last bite of sausage into his mouth and ignored the question.
“Who can understand women?” said Cody, trying to deflect the query, “No offense, Rachel.”
“Mhh-hmm” Rachel responded, finally able to sit and have at some of the meal.
“Well, that doesn’t answer my question. Something’s wrong.”
“Jimmy,” Teaspoon began, “Maybe she just needs to be let alone.”
“No, I don’t think that’s it at all,” he said coolly and removed himself from the table. He had been planning to simply find Lou and get the answer out of her at that moment, but he recognized his mood and Lou’s and that for him to approach her in this state would be like pouring kerosene on a fire. “Later” he told himself. But he knew he’d not be able to delay his impulse for too long.
Cody left on a ride that afternoon without much fanfare. He was to pick up some legal papers in a nearby town and was not expected to be more than a day.
Lou didn’t show up for lunch. She went in early and fixed herself a sandwich. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to be around anyone, she wanted intimacy more than anything, but she couldn’t bear the thought of being stuck in the bunkhouse with everyone, being forced to make small-talk, to be a part of things that now seemed trivial and small.
After lunch, Jimmy could stand it no longer, he found Buck, leaning against Rachel’s house, in the shade. He was enjoying some lemonade and taking a break from the carpentry that had originally been Jimmy’s chore.
“Where’s Lou?” he asked Buck.
“Out in the barn, I think.” Jimmy turned, but Buck grabbed his shoulder, suddenly and Jimmy turned sharply, not typically liking to be touched in such a way.
“Jimmy, just take it easy with her. Things have been hard for her lately.” Buck gave him a look, as if checking Jimmy’s comprehension. Jimmy paused slightly and checked the eyes of his friend. “What do you know about this?”
“I know that she’s hurting. Don’t hurt her anymore.”
“I wouldn’t do that” Jimmy said defensively, and turned on his heel.
Jimmy had had enough. He was certainly more worried than angered, but sometimes he had a hard time displaying them differently, a fault which he often cursed himself for. He made his way resolutely toward the barn.
“Lou?” Jimmy made his way toward her limping only slightly.
“Yeah, Jimmy?” she said, not looking up from her task.
“Hey, stop for a sec.”
She drew up the rake, planted it at her feet and leaned into it, staring at him.
“Lou, are you okay?”
“Fine, Jimmy.”
“Yeah, well it don’t seem like it to me.”
“Why don’t you mind your own business?” She retorted, beginning to rake with vengeance at the hay.”
Jimmy stepped toward her purposefully and seized the rake, stopping her motion, but not taking it from her hands. “Something’s wrong, Lou. You’ve been down in the mouth and sulky and . . just,.just not acting like yourself since you rode in her the other night.” He lowered his voice and questioned seriously, “What happened? And don’t tell me ‘nothin’.”
“Jimmy, . . .it is nothing. Why don’t you stop acting like Kid? I couldn’t do anything without him all over me about it.” Her voice rose as she continued “It’s nothing, and I don’t want to hear about it anymore. Not from you, not from anybody. You got that?!” She was screaming now. She released the rake and turned to storm out of the barn, but Jimmy caught her by the arm.
“Lou.” He said firmly.
She jerked her arm in an attempt to wrench it away from his grasp. Her face twisted in pain and he was afraid he had hurt her. Suddenly her body convulsed and a choked sob escaped. He watched the anger drain from her face to be immediately replaced with grief and vulnerability.
“Come here.” He drew her up next to him and put his free arm around her trembling form. She remained for nearly a minute before pulling herself up slightly.
“I’m sorry, Jimmy.”
“It’s ok, Lou, I’m just worried about you is all.” Damn, he did sound like Kid, he thought to himself. Lou swiftly disentangled herself from his embrace and walked out of the barn muttering weakly, “Don’t be, I’ll be fine.” and headed to where Rachel was taking out another load of the laundry that never ended. Jimmy’s gaze followed her with a dark sobriety.
“Rachel, Rachel?”
In the midst of hanging out a sheet, the fair-haired woman turned to Lou and pinned the remaining section on the line without even looking at what she was doing.
“I. . .I’ll help you.” She stammered, and reached for a towel in the basket.
“Thank you, Louise. I’d appreciate that.”
This was a start, thought Rachel. It was coming.
With the two of them together the task only took another 10 minutes. The lines were full and slightly bowed, and Rachel looked at Lou,
“Let’s go inside and have some lemonade. It’s a treat for my helpers today.”
Lou smiled slightly, Rachel had a fondness for the drink and always had an excuse for making it.
Soon the two were sitting in the parlor, each with a cold glass in their hand, and Rachel waited for Lou to begin.
“I guess I’ve been acting strange lately, but, I just don’t know what to do, and I need someone to talk to.”
Rachel smiled warmly and encouragingly and replied, “Well, Louise, my ears are always open for you, for whatever you need to talk about.”
Lou nodded and glanced at the floor. She took a deep breath, a long draught of the sour drink and began.
“It’s bad, Rachel.”
“Honey, whatever it is, you can tell me.” Rachel set down the glass on the small coffee table in front of them to give the girl her undivided attention.
“Um. The other night. The night when Buck and I met up with Cody. I. . .”
Rachel couldn’t possibly conceive of what could have happened. Though a dozen things began to race through her mind, none of them seemed plausible, and she never did arrive at the truth on her own.
Lou’s voice lowered and began to quaver. With tears clinging to her eyelids, she went on “that night, I had a miscarriage. I didn’t know I was pregnant, but that’s what it had to have been.” She began to speak rapidly, Rachel could hardly understand what was being said. “I didn’t mean to but I killed my baby. Me and Kid’s baby. I. .” She tried to go on, but her voice was now so choked with emotion and couldn’t continue and buried her face in her hand. Rachel gently took the glass from her before setting it beside hers and drew the sobbing girl into her arms.
“I’m so sorry, honey. Oh sweetheart.” Rachel stroked her hair and “shhh”d softly to her, rocking her slightly. Rachel didn’t ever try to pull away, or sit Lou up to look at her and go on, but let her cry and sob as she needed. She remembered losing her own child and at the tremendous pain that still caused her. And here was Lou, not even knowing she would have a baby and only finding out by its death. Rachel couldn’t imagine how Lou had been able to deal with this on her own. “Not well” though, it occurred to her.
After a couple of minutes, Louise slowly drew back from Rachel’s embrace.
“Louise, here, let me get you a handkerchief.” Rachel quickly hurried to the next room.
Lou was sure she looked a mess, she knew her nose was running, and that she had to look just hideous, but she was feeling slightly better--this was going to help. Rachel would help her and listen to her and know what to do.
“Here, honey” Rachel said, sitting down.
Lou mopped her face up and tried to catch her breath from the exhausting bout of crying.
“Thanks” she finally managed.
Rachel was still quiet, but it wasn’t a threatening quiet and Lou was glad for it.
“I was going to have a baby, Rachel.” Rachel nodded slowly and placed her hand on Lou’s knee. “I don’t know what to do, it hurts so much.”
Lou searched her friend’s face and Rachel knew the girl wanted an answer.
“You’ve lost someone you didn’t know, but would have loved. It’s ok to feel this way. Whenever you lose someone it’s going to hurt, especially if it’s your own flesh and blood.”
New tears began to well up in Lou’s eyes and she wiped them firmly. Rachel was worried that perhaps she had said the wrong thing, but Lou came again to ask,
“Will it get easier?”
“Yes. It will. You’ll always miss that baby, but that’s not saying it won’t get easier. You’ll be able to go on.”
“How did you do it Rachel. You must have been looking so forward to your baby. Picking out names, trying to remember nursery songs. I’ve been thinking about that a lot. I didn’t even know, but you.” She stopped abruptly, ashamed of herself for bringing up the painful memory of not only Rachel’s unborn child’s death, but the death of her husband as well. Rachel saw the shame on Lou’s face, “Lou, it’s ok. It’s ok.” Rachel reached out, touched Lou’s face and drew it up to look her in the eyes. “Yes, I wanted that baby so badly. We were so in love and wanted the child in our family. I still miss that baby. Maybe there will be another one someday, but maybe not. We’ve both lost people we’ve loved, but we can’t stop living. We’ve got to grieve, and then we need to survive.” Louise seemed to be listening and had quieted her tears. “We all love you, honey, and we’ve been worried about you.” She paused a minute, wondering if she should ask about that night, and she finally convinced herself to.
“Did Buck and Cody know?” she asked softly.
Lou closed her eyes and nodded nearly imperceptably. When she opened them again, she continued, “It hurt, and Buck woke up. I wasn’t even sure what was going on, but I realized quick.” She gave a briefest account of the evening and the next morning, the more “gruesome details” deleted. “They were both good to me. It was awful, it was. But the boys were ok, and they promised they wouldn’t tell.”
Rachel couldn’t help but feel proud of the young men, how they had taken care of Lou in such a situation. She also wondered if they didn’t regret their promise after watching Lou the past couple of days.
Lou had gained nearly complete composure and took a sip of lemonade to wet her mouth. When she set the glass down, Rachel brushed some stray hair away from the rider’s face. “Are you gonna tell the Kid?”
Lou turned her head, “I don’t know. There’s part of me that says ‘why should I?’ Ain’t nothing can be done about it. Why tell him that I was carrying his child and that I lost it? I don’t want him to suffer that. ‘Sides, he was always worried about. . .that” she finished lamely, fighting off a threatening sob.
“Oh, Lou. It’s gonna be ok.”
“I just can’t help but think that I did something wrong. That maybe. . .Rachel,. . .do you think I’m being punished?”
It cut Rachel to the quick to hear the tormented question from her friend, and she wanted to reach out and take the girl in her arms, but she could see that Lou only wanted an answer, to be reassured that she wasn’t bad, that she didn’t kill her child. “Lou, you didn’t do anything wrong, it wasn’t your fault. But, I think maybe you need to hear that from Kid,. . . do you think I’m right?” she asked quietly.
“Maybe. Do you think he should know?” Lou questioned, focusing deeply into her friend’s steely blue eyes.
“It’s between you and the Kid. I can’t make that decision. You know your relationship, and you know him, and hopefully yourself some. He cares for you so much, Lou, he wouldn’t fault you.”
The petite girl wanted to believe it, but wasn’t sure she could bring herself to risk such a step with the young man she had loved and wanted but couldn’t marry just yet.
“Your next ride is tomorrow?”
“Yeah.”
“Kid will be back probably tomorrow morning. Maybe you can get one of the other boys to trade with you get some rest and healing in.”
“I can’t” she whined uncharacteristically, “I don’t want to make a big deal--“
“Lou, the boys are worried about you, and this is a big deal. Teaspoon will understand, and so will the rest of ‘em.”
Lou didn’t have the strength or desire to argue and was secretly relieved that Rachel made the suggestion. For the next few minutes, Lou simply rested her head against Rachel’s shoulder and enjoyed the relief of sharing her burden with a friend. When at last she raised herself, up, Rachel spoke to her once again.
“Louise. Please take care of yourself. You need to eat and get some more rest. I know you’re hurting, but other people here are beginning to hurt for you. Don’t forget, we care about you, and no one would think any less of you if they knew. Alright?”
“Alright.” She hesitated, but always cautious she had to ask, “You’re not going to tell anyone, are you?”
“Lou, I promise you, everything you’ve said to me in private will stay that way. Now, don’t you worry about that at all.” Lou thanked her with a grateful look, but she felt weaker and more defenseless than at almost any other time in her life. The control she tried to maintain over her situations and her emotions was frayed and nearly to the snapping point, the fact of this manifested in her bouts of tears and inability to keep her mind on her work. She felt out-of-control and unable to do anything about it. Now, just holding everything together was a challenge. She hoped that talking with Rachel would make things easier and relieve her from some of her burden, and while it had done that it had also enhanced the reality of the event and magnified the pain. “This has got to end” Lou told herself. She would tell Kid.
****************************************************************************
Lou had considered her options and decided to ask Ike to take her run. Buck was the only other option and she somehow felt awkward about asking him, Ike didn’t know the situation and that was comfortable. She found Ike in the barn, filing his horse’s hooves. He dropped the foot and his file when he noticed Lou’s approach, anticipating a conversation and always having to empty his hands in such a situation.
Hey, what’cha doing?
“Nothing really. I was wondering. . .I hate to ask you this, but I was wondering if you could trade a ride with me. I know you just got back, but I’ll be glad to take one for you in a pinch. . . if it wouldn’t be too much trouble for you.”
She couldn’t help but wonder about the statement in the silent rider’s eyes. What was that, pity? She was seized by the fear that Buck had spoken to Ike about the ride--they were best friends, after all. There was a brief moment when Ike didn’t respond, but he closed it quickly
He tried to ease her obvious discomfort with a smile, Sure, I can manage it. Are you doing alright?
“Yeah, of course, just, something’s come up I need to--” she stammered
It’s ok, you don’t have to explain, I didn’t mean anything by it.
Lou was embarrassed for a moment, she must have really botched this, I’m all actin’ like a fool, she thought to herself.
“Thanks a lot, Ike. I’ll make it up to you.” She nodded once, turned on her heel and walked out.
*************************************************************************
**Thoop**
“OW, Argh! Unn!!” Buck stuck his thumb into his mouth and bounced lightly on the balls of his feet. He heard something like a snicker behind him.
“Fine, laugh all you like. I don’t see why this couldn’t wait for Kid to get back, he’s better at this sort of thing.”
I thought Jimmy was gonna do this?
“Well, Jimmy hit his thumb too. Got frustrated, and well, that should explain the rest.”
The dark-haired rider swung the hammer loosely in his right hand and examined the swelling thumb.
That’ll be a beauty signed Ike Thumbs are easier to hit than nails anyway, you just managed to hit the larger target.
“Thanks, that makes it better.”
Ike nodded with a grin.
Hey, I want to know something. Did something happen on that ride with Lou?
Buck looked away with a frustrated sigh. “You know, it was a tough ride, I really can’t say anything else. I’m sorry.”
Ike looked at him, incredulous.
You can’t explain this to me?
“Ike, I can’t. It’s not you. . .”
Does Cody know?
“Ike. . .”
Look, I’m worried about her. Have you ever seen her like this before? She just asked me to take tomorrow’s ride and just about panicked when I asked her if anything was wrong. Ike recognized the torn statement and his friend’s demeanor and backed off. Is she gonna be ok, whatever this is, that’s all I want to know.
“Yeah, I think she’ll be okay, she needs some time. Things have been crazy around here for her lately.”
Ike nodded--slowly, pensively.
Alright. Help her, if you can.
“I don’t know if there’s anything for me to do. . .She’ll be alright.” Buck turned back to his work on the porch, and Ike felt slightly dismissed.
|