|
Empty Arms
Chapter V--Sunday Breakfast was a typical affair. Hotcakes and sausage. Teaspoon had left bright and early and had taken some sausage and biscuits with him. The boys had begun to watch Lou rather carefully, their concern getting the better of them. She had joined them in playing 5-card stud the previous night and did neither spectacularly nor poorly. She was up the next morning with the rest, and other than the preoccupied statement that seemed now perpetual and her reluctance to participate in conversation, Lou rather seemed almost back to normal and there was a general feeling of relief among her co-riders. After chores, she headed out to the water hole to collect her thoughts in privacy before Kid returned. Jimmy saw her saddle Lightening and forced himself not to ask where she was going.
Breakfast was a typical affair. Hotcakes and sausage. Teaspoon had left bright and early and had taken some sausage and biscuits with him. The boys had begun to watch Lou rather carefully, their concern getting the better of them. She had joined them in playing 5-card stud the previous night and did neither spectacularly nor poorly. She was up the next morning with the rest, and other than the preoccupied statement that seemed now perpetual and her reluctance to participate in conversation, Lou rather seemed almost back to normal and there was a general feeling of relief among her co-riders. After chores, she headed out to the water hole to collect her thoughts in privacy before Kid returned. Jimmy saw her saddle Lightening and forced himself not to ask where she was going.
Late that morning, Buck gave the familiar call of “Rider coming” and Ike mounted a rust-colored gelding and headed out. Cody was surprised to pass the mochilla off to the silent rider, but wished his friend well. Ike took off with the swift and smooth ability that Cody had originally been jealous of.
Cody jumped off the sorrel gelding, and Buck approached him, hand extended.
“Thanks, Buck.”
“Sure thing” he replied, taking the reins.
“Um, where’s Lou? I mean, what’s happened, it’s her ride, right?”
“Yeah. I. . she hasn’t been quite up to things these last couple of days. She told Ike she wasn’t feeling well and asked if he’d take her ride.” Cody nodded slowly as the two walked to the shade of the barn.
“Other than that, are things ok?”
Buck sighed audibly, “Beats me. I think she mighta talked to Rachel. It’ll be interesting to see what happens, Kid’s getting some rest in the bunkhouse.”
There was a pause between the two, “Noah getting’ back today?”
“That’s what we’re figurin’”
“Well, I think I’m gonna head out to the water hole. I can’t even rest this dirty.”
“Better take a shower instead, I think Lou’s out there.” Buck cautioned him.
“Oh.” Cody headed to the bunkhouse for a fresh change of clothes and a towel.
The rider was greeted by Kid’s cheerful but tired salutation, “Hey, you’re back.”
“Was there any doubt?” replied Cody, “When did you get in?”
“Aw, just about an hour ago. Whew, I tell you, these 4 day-ers, it’s just too much.”
“It’s what you get for being so reliable Kid, ‘figured you knew that. Still crippled, Jimmy?” Without waiting for a response, he directed the next comment to Kid. “Did he tell you how he did that?”
“Very clever.” Kid nodded and smiled widely.
“Enough” came a half-hearted growl, “’Bout good as new. You wouldn’t have had to take my ride if you hadn’t got that damn-fool idea into your head. .”
“It was worth it.” Cody dared in a sing-song voice--but only because he could hear the mocking in Jimmy’s voice and knew that things were smoothed over.
“Gotta tell you Cody,” started Kid, switching topics. “I don’t know what’s in the water in Cutter Flats, but the girls. . .whew. You’d have got an eyeball full, I tell ya. I sure did. But you must have enjoyed looking around in Denver though, right?”
Cody turned to him sharply, studying Kid’s grinning face. The grin faded quickly though, when Cody’s fierce statement registered in his brain. “Great Kid, thanks for sharin’. That’s good of ya. Did you give a thought to Lou when you were drooling over ‘em?” he demanded coldly as he marched out the door and closed it sharply behind him.
Kid simply looked to Jimmy, bewildered, hoping for the explanation that his friend couldn’t offer.
************************************************************************
Lou returned to the station for lunch; she was finally starting to feel a decent appetite again, but when she saw Katie in her stall, she felt her heart sink with an unexpected trepidation. He was home, and she was going to determine whether she’d follow through on her decision.
She steeled herself up before setting foot into the bunkhouse. Rachel and Teaspoon were both seated at the table with the boys chatting freely. There was an empty space next to Kid, and she slid into it, finding herself unable to look directly at him.
“Have a good swim?” Jimmy asked her.
She nodded in response, and began dishing carrots and potatoes onto her plate. She realized that she needed to acknowledge Kid and Cody’s reappearance and forced herself to ask, “So, how were your rides, fellas?”
“Nothing special” remarked Cody.
“Long” added Kid.
A few minutes passed, and casual conversation continued across the table. Lou spent half her time eating, and the other rearranging the food around on her plate. She felt unbearably self-conscious, even though she knew that it was totally irrational. She had felt that the boys were watching her like eagles for the previous day or so. Were Cody and Buck staring at her? She struggled to convince herself that nothing was wrong. “You’re getting paranoid, Crazy” she hollered at herself inside her head. Kid turned to ask her a question, but thought differently when seeing that she was clearly somewhere else.
Rachel rose to grab the water bucket, and finding it empty, turned toward the door. “Here Rachel,” Lou offered a little too loudly, “Let me get it.” Rachel was too startled to argue about the task, and handed to bucket to the girl. “Thanks Lou.” Lou gave a nod of her head and headed outside.
“What’s with her?” asked Kid. He was doing his best to sound nonchalant, though everyone knew that he still worried and fretted over her more than he wanted to admit.
Cody trained his blue eyes on the rider sitting across from him, and resisting the urge to snap at Kid, stabbed a cooked carrot.
“Yeah, Rachel, is she sick? Wasn’t she supposed to have a ride today?” commented Teaspoon, who would normally have been in town for lunch, but had left Barnet at the helm, trusting the good-hearted fellow to not cause too much trouble while he was back at the station.
“What the hell do you care, Kid?”
Kid looked up, utterly taken aback by the comment and the cold gaze of the rider facing him across the table.
“What?! What’s that supposed to mean?”
In that instant, the tension in the room erupted from nowhere. Rachel’s breath caught for a moment and the impending events were nearly palatable to all others in the room. Teaspoon watched to see how this would be resolved, never anticipating the fury with which Cody would respond to Kid’s question. Buck tried to catch Cody’s eye, but he was out of reach. Jimmy made a conscious effort to close his mouth, which hung slack at yet another venomous remark from Cody.
“You make me sick! You get what you want from her and then drop her?!” Everyone held their breath and waited for the response, and Cody rose swiftly to his feet, stepping out from between the table and bench. Jimmy forced himself to keep his jaw from dropping this time, as everyone watched with a horrified anticipation at what would happen.
“Cody!” Teaspoon’s voice was low and threatening and would have shut the boy down had his frustration not been so piqued.
Kid flew to his feet. “Where do you come off, Cody? Who the hell do you. . .”
Cody stepped up onto the bench and flew across the table at the only other rider in room who was standing. The next few moments were chaos and madness. Cody had managed to kick one plate off of the table, as well as the serving dish filled with hot, soaking carrots. The bench on which Lou, Ike, and Kid had previously been seated, was also knocked over as Ike tried to jump up and stop the two-person brawl. “Boys, quit!” Rachel hollered, but neither paid her any mind. Cody and Kid were on the floor, cramped between the table and the bunks. Cody was swinging with impunity at Kid, who was baffled at the display, but doing his best to protect himself as well as inflict some punishment on his attacker. Jimmy felt his natural tendency to act kick in, but realized that he’d be relatively unhelpful in even separating the two, as he was across the table from the two fighting men; nevertheless, his muscles twitched, and he was only prevented from reacting by Teaspoon’s interference into the fight. Teaspoon grabbed the furious boy by the back of his shirt and jerked him sharply, snapping Cody back, and threw him back on his feet. Kid scrambled to his feet sweating, and Ike placed a cautionary hand on his arm. “What’s going on? What’s all this about, Cody?” he screamed.
Teaspoon ignored the questions and turned the blond rider to face him. Cody stared at Teaspoon, trying to convince him that he was in the right--that his actions were justified, if only the rest of them knew. “I don’t know what’s got into you, but you’re not welcome back in here until you’ve got yourself under control, and you’ll also pay Rachel for the dishes you broke. Now, get outta’ here.”
Cody turned and stormed past Kid, glaring at him with a look that was intended to cause physical pain. He slammed the door behind him and went to saddle a fresh pony and get away for a while. Buck wanted to follow, to try and calm him down, not having realized that Cody had been so disturbed, underestimating the light-hearted rider’s profound depth of feeling.
************************************************************************
Kid saw little of Lou that afternoon, even though he had tried to catch her attention and speak to her several times, she seemed to be trying to avoid him. Cody had returned a couple of hours after he had left and had seemed no more desirous of talking with Kid that Lou was. Kid fully intended on working things out with Cody before they’d have to meet in the bunkhouse that evening, but Lou was another matter. In general, Kid was tired, and wound up in the bunkhouse doing a few domestic chores for Rachel as the afternoon drew to a close.
“Kid, would you mind heading over to the cellar at the house and getting me a couple onions?” asked Rachel, shelling peas.
“Sure Rachel,” Kid rose from the peas that he himself was shelling, finding it resting after four days in the saddle, and headed out the door. It was a little cool, but he didn’t mind. His mind had been on Lou the entire afternoon, and he thought he might just check one of her “hideouts” as she liked to call them, before grabbing the onions. He really didn’t like to push things; she obviously didn’t want to be around him, but Kid’s stubborn and worried streak got the better of him.
Lou sat in the hayloft, her coat laying across her shoulders. She had found lunch nearly unbearable before fetching the water, but altogether unbearable after having done so. No one explained what had happened, and why Cody was missing from the table, and Lou was once again glad when the meal was done and she was able to get away. The sun was now bright in the sky, and she felt a coolness inside of her that seemed to have replaced the rock that sat previously in her stomach. She heard someone climbing the ladder into the loft, and sighed audibly.
“Thought I’d find you here,” came the warm, familiar voice.
Lou nodded as Kid perched himself next to her. “Yeah, it’s my place sometimes.”
“How you doin’, Lou?”
“I wish people would quit askin’ me that.” She said, her voiced edged with frustration.
“There’s probably a reason you keep hearing it,” he said softly. “Look Lou, I want to be friends, I’m not trying to crowd you.” Smoothly, he added “You’re hurting, and that hurts me.”
Abruptly, and to Kid’s surprise, she turned her head towards him and rested her forehead against his shoulder.
“Lou, I want you to talk to me, please.”
“I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry Kid. Please don’t hate me, I didn’t mean to…”
“Lou. .”
“I didn’t mean to. . .I didn’t even know” Kid couldn’t speak, he felt as if the wind had been knocked out of him, and he just held her tightly to him, trying to make some sense of what she was saying.
“I don’t understand Lou. Aw, sweetheart, please, please tell me. Let me help” he murmured into her hair.
Without pulling away, or raising her head to speak more clearly, she sobbed into his shoulder, “I lost our baby, Kid. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” She tried to say it again but was overcome with her crying. Kid wasn’t sure he could have understood her. “Our baby? Mine? When?” His head was filled with a flurry of questions that he couldn’t have captured with a butterfly net. He just held Lou tighter and tried to keep his thoughts on the weeping figure in his arms. He wanted to ask her if she had really said what he had heard, but kept himself from it, certain that he had heard correctly. He wasn’t sure how long they were like that, but Lou’s shuddering and trembling finally seemed to ease up a little bit and he dared to speak, “Are you ok Lou. . .I mean are you alright?”
Lou stayed rested against his chest, unable to look up into his blue eyes. “I’m ok. . .I’m so sorry Kid.” It seemed all she could say; would he forgive her. She hadn’t realized until this moment how scared she was that revealing this to the Kid would forever end any kind of feeling of love that may have remained between them. She desperately hoped and prayed that he would answer much as he did. “I don’t blame you, Lou. I’m sorry too. Don’t blame yourself, ok?” There was a pause, and Kid distinctly heard a muffled sob against the front of his shirt.
“Ah, sweetheart, shhh.” He rocked her gently until she finally got the strength and courage to lift her head and rest her forehead gently on Kid’s shoulder. Kid reached around the to stroke the back of her head tenderly. As quietly as he could he asked her, “Do you want to tell me what happened?” He knew her well enough to know that she rarely shared her truest feelings without being asked. She had once told him that if people didn’t ask for her feelings or about different situations that she didn’t feel they cared enough to know. He had become extremely sensitive to that when they were together and felt the need to come back into that mind-set. She nodded and straightened up, looking out to the horizon where a bright orange sun was nearing the line between earth and sky. She put her hands together as if she were praying and rested them against her lips. She then turned them to wipe her eyes and finally folded her arms over her chest in that defensive posture that Kid had grown so accustomed to. He waited patiently for her to compose herself enough to feel comfortable enough to speak. She finally began, slowly, quietly and unsurely.
“Just. . .When Buck and I were coming back from Sulfur Springs the other day, we ran into Cody and we decided to come back together, the three of us.” It slowly dawned upon Kid that she may have been with just the other two riders when the event happened, and he could hardly bear the idea of her being away from Rachel at that time, or trying to imagine what it would have been like for her . . . “We were sleeping that night when it happened. Well, Buck and Cody were sleeping. It hurt so bad. I didn’t want to wake them up, but you know Buck, he can hear a mouse eating corn a mile off.” She attempted to sound light-hearted at the remark, but knew she failed miserably. Kid watched her face twist with grief as she thought on that night, and inside Kid winced at her pain. “Anyway, I just asked Buck to carry me away from the fire, I didn’t want to be around either of ‘em.”
“He didn’t leave you, did he?” Kid asked, suddenly anxious.
“No, no Kid. It wasn’t like that. They were close enough. It’s just. . .you know, I didn’t want them to know, but they did.” She felt her voice beginning to catch again and took a deep, quick breath to pull herself together. “They took care of me. It was okay. We came back the next day.”
There were so many questions he wanted to ask, but he knew he would wait for another time. She would want to talk again. The other boys really had no idea how talkative she could be when she felt secure enough to do so. He watched her quietly, realizing how well he really knew her, and she, him. He felt the tug of “my child” in his heart too, but didn’t want to deal with that right now. He wanted to comfort Lou, to apologize for hurting her, feeling that this had been his fault, even as she felt it was hers.
She turned to him, and Kid was able to look into her doe-eyes for the first time since he had come into the loft. They were red and puffy and. . .desperate.
“I’m sorry Kid. I can understand if you don’t. . .but, can we still be friends? Please?” He hardly heard her, but he clearly heard a hurt sigh escape him and it almost gave him a start. He reached out his arms to her again, and she practically threw herself into his embrace, as if she had never expected him to want to touch or even look at her again.
“Oh Lou, Lou,” he whispered, his voice choked with emotion and his eyes stinging with tears, “Of course, of course, Lou. Sweetheart, I don’t love you any less.” Both he and Lou were both too overcome to realize that this had been the first reconfirmation of either’s love for the other since the break-up, but something seemed changed between them, and since the night of her miscarriage, Lou felt some true peace. They clung to each other tightly, afraid to let go, and finding some solace between the two of them, despite, or perhaps, because of their pain. Kid finally felt Lou patting a hand lightly against his chest, and pulled up. She looked him in the face. “It’s gonna be ok?” It was more a question than a statement. With a slight raise of his eyebrows for emphasis, he nodded, “Yes.” Both of them were calmer now, what needed to be said had been said, and Lou seemed ready to end for a while. He held onto her though and she rested again against him. He wondered what she was thinking, and his mind wandered. What must Buck and Cody think of this? If Cody’s outburst had been a result of this, and Jimmy didn’t seem to know, well, they mustn’t have told Jimmy. But Ike, Buck probably told Ike, Kid decided, they were so close; Kid didn’t feel like Buck would have kept something like this from his best friend if it was bothering him. Kid placed a soft kiss on Lou’s forehead, wondering about the shame and fear that she must have felt that night. Maybe she’s talked to Rachel, he said to himself I hope so, sort of. He was trying to sort out not just how he felt, but how he should feel, when he heard Rachel calling for him, her voice had always carried well, and it was clear she was probably calling from the bunk house. “Kid?” Both of the riders looked up slightly and at each other, something occurred to him, “Oh, shoot. Lou, I told Rachel I’d fetch her some onions. That’s why I was out, but I took a detour. . .well, she can get ‘em herself.”
“Kid go,” she gave him a faint but playful push, “Go ahead. I’m ok. I’ll be in later.” Kid closed his eyes and shook his head lightly with a smile. “Really Kid. . . I’m, I’m real glad that you found me.” Kid watched her carefully for a moment, making sure she was really ok. He certainly wasn’t inclined to leave, “Kid?” Rachel’s voice was impatient, and he felt a certain frustration building. “Kid” Lou said, with that “really, go” edge to her voice. He touched her cheek softly and placed another kiss there before rising and heading down the ladder. They kept their eyes upon the others as he headed down, and before she lost eye-contact she asked “we can talk more later?”
“Of course. I’m always here for you, alright?” Lou risked a slight smile and turned again to enjoy the sunset picture before her. She seemed to see it for the first time that evening.
As Kid headed out of the barn, his thoughts flew and rested on Cody. He was sure that he now understood Cody’s strange displays earlier in the day and wondered what needed to be done. He spotted Buck, apparently headed toward the round corral to see the young foal that was becoming a fast favorite of them all. Kid managed to cut him off without looking suspicious, he hoped. In the long shadow of the barn, Kid began, “Um, Buck, can I talk to you for a sec?” Any bystander would have recognized Kid’s discomfort, but Buck overlooked it and looked at his friend with an easy calm. Kid wondered if he really should bring this up, somehow he needed to release some of this, perhaps he needed this.
“I just wanted to say thanks for taking care of Lou.” There was a slight pause that gave Kid enough time to wonder if this was his place and if he should say anything at all.
“S’all right Kid. Just be good to her. She needs you. . .maybe as much as you need her.”
Buck put a brotherly hand on Kid’s shoulder, nodded once with an statement that seemed to display agreement, and walked past him, not wanting to prolong Kid’s unease.
“I’ll try,” Kid said softly, to no one in particular. “I’ll do my best.”
|