Teaspoon led the stunned Kid from the room, steering him out of the surgery and over to the hotel. Depositing him into a chair on the porch, he left him there and ran to fetch Rachel.

He knocked on the door firmly, yet with control, so as not to alarm the children. "Rachel," he hissed into the wooden barrier. "Rachel, it's Teaspoon, I need you to get up." He knocked again, finally hearing noises within.

Pulling open the door as she wrapped her shawl more tightly around her shoulders, Rachel rubbed at her eyes while they adjusted to the harsh light of the hallway. "For God's sake, Teaspoon, it's after midnight. Ain't you supposed to be standin' watch?"

"Rachel, get your boots on. You gotta come with me."

Seeing fear in his old and gentle eyes, Rachel grabbed Teaspoon's hands. "What's wrong? Did he come back? Did he come after Lou again? Where's Kid?"

"Please, just get your damn boots, Rachel! I'll explain on the way downstairs. Buck in there?" Teaspoon looked past Rachel into the darkened room.

"He's sleepin' on the floor."

"Fine. Leave him be. Let's go."

Rachel shoved her feet into her boots and returned to the hallway. She stooped to lace them before Teaspoon could drag her away. Without looking up she asked, "Will you tell me what's going on already?"

Teaspoon had his hat in his hands and he was wringing it mercilessly. "Lou's awake."

"She is? That's good news!" Finally looking up as she switched feet, she could tell by Teaspoon's down turned face that it wasn't. "What's wrong?"

He sighed, suddenly feeling as if he'd aged considerably in the span of fifteen minutes. "She was fine for a while, then it looks like her and Kid got to talkin' and before you knew it, she went wild. Seems like it finally hit her who this Wicks fella is and all, I mean him bein' Kid's father. Then she started hollerin' and sreamin' and swingin' at him. When she was screamin' at him to get out of there was when me and the doc stepped in. Ain't never heard nothin' like it, Rachel."

Teaspoon continued as Rachel stood and together they headed towards the stairs. "I pulled Kid out of there and Doc Bailey stayed with Lou. He wants to give her something to calm her down, but she's refusin'. He's afraid she's gonna hurt herself more if he don't. I did hear her promise to calm down as we left, but you need to go talk to her, Rachel. She'll listen to you. Make her understand it wasn't Kid's fault."

They'd reached the front door to the hotel and Rachel could see Kid sitting numbly where Teaspoon had left him. "Oh, Teaspoon. He looks crushed." She turned to him for comfort as the pain in her heart started to cloud her vision.

"He is; she wasn't very kind. Wasn't the Lou we all know and love, but can't say I didn't expect it. What that man did to her.it's inhuman, but the worst will be getting over the fact that the man who did it to her is Kid's father."

"Dear, God, what will we do?"

"Pray."

It had been a month since they'd returned from St. Joe. An agonizing month, thought Kid. He'd agreed with Teaspoon and Rachel that they should stay in Rock Creek until Lou was feeling stronger, but as he spent another day doing routine chores for Rachel and training the two horses he'd acquired to eventually sell, he wondered if they'd ever get to leave the old Pony Express station.

Lou's physical wounds were mostly healed. The only visible reminders were the new, pink skin on her right ankle where the ropes had caused an infection and the healing had finally begun, and the small linear scar on her lip that the doctor had warned them about. Even though the swelling was gone and her sight had been spared, he knew Lou thought she still looked hideous. However, he only knew this because Rachel told him she'd said it. Lou wouldn't let him near her.

She'd held fast to her decision to keep him out of her life. He fully understood her hesitation and reluctance to have him share their bed when they'd first returned, but he'd hoped that after a week or two she would allow him to at least sleep there instead of on the hard settee. He wasn't asking for any physical intimacy, only a better place to sleep. At the same time he wanted to be there for her, to be near her, so they could begin to repair their shattered lives. She was being so adamant that she wouldn't even let him comfort her when the inevitable nightmares came. Instead, she either cried herself back to sleep alone or reluctantly allowed Rachel to tend to her.

Kid was lucky if he saw his wife once a day if she dared to venture out of the room in Rachel's house they'd moved into right after their wedding. He could see the dark circles under her eyes and her unkempt hair, as well as how gaunt she was starting to look. When she could be forced to eat, she would only take the meals in her room. In actuality, it seemed like she only left the room for the outhouse.

Compounding Kid's agony was the fact that after three weeks of relentless searching, Jimmy returned to Rock Creek empty handed. He'd searched as far south as Fort Smith and as far north as Nebraska City and hadn't found a trace of Ethan Wicks. Kid couldn't blame Jimmy, it was easy to see his friend felt enough pain and anger over his unsuccessful search for both of them. Kid sensed from the beginning that Wicks would be too slippery to catch. He'd managed to hide for years before; Kid knew he could do it again.

Kid's only solace was the children. It was unspoken, but the care and well being of thirteen-year-old Jeremiah and ten-year-old Teresa was his responsibility. He took help from Rachel occasionally, mostly with Teresa, but overall he was the one who made sure they were fed and clothed and clean each day. He even enrolled them in the school where they would be under Rachel's watchful eye. He found he missed them during the day when they weren't around, but he knew being with children their own age and continuing with their studies was more important that his personal entertainment.

He was still surprised by how easily they'd all fallen into a routine and how willing the children were to give Lou her time alone. At first, he thought it was because they understood the cloud of depression she was living under, but sadly he'd figured out that for them, not having Lou around during their first month in Rock Creek was no different than not having Lou around during their six years alone in the St. Joe Orphanage. He hated that the sister they were trying to get to know again was not the vibrant, spirited and smiling woman he knew she really was. Instead they saw a drastically altered Lou - one who was sullen and melancholy, and occasionally prone to flares of temper. Dr. Bailey had warned him as they took leave from St. Joe that her mind would take the longest to heal, but Kid wasn't sure how it ever would if she continued to refuse everyone's help.

Kid watched Charlotte McKay walk out of Rachel's house, her face slick with tears. Kid could tell that Lou had sent her away again, refusing to talk to her old friend. As she neared the corral, he let himself out to meet her. "No luck today, Charlotte?"

She shook her head. "None. As usual, she doesn't answer my knock, so I let myself in. Once I'm in there she refuses to turn away from that damn window. She just sits, rockin' back and forth, back and forth. I don't know why I bother to try anymore. She'll be ready to forgive me for lyin' to her about the same time she's ready to forgive you."

Charlotte's gloved hand flew to her mouth even before the sentence faded in the wind. "I'm so sorry, Kid, I didn't mean that." She'd seen him flinch from the verbal jab and knew it ate at him everyday that Louise refused his help and his love. "The truth is, maybe I deserve her anger, but not you."

"It's okay, Charlotte. I'm beginning to think you may be right." Kid dropped his head to stare at the toe of his boot. "I don't know what to do for her anymore, but I've got to shake her out of this. If she doesn't let new, happier times start to fill her mind she'll never let go of the memories of what he did to her. Then, Wicks won even though we saved Lou from that saloon."

"You're right, sweetie, but I can't make her realize that. Maybe it's time you tried again." Charlotte squeezed Kid's arm and hurried from the yard.

Lou watched Charlotte rush away from the Kid in a swirl of deep purple material. New dress, she thought. She hadn't noticed earlier because during the fifteen minutes Charlotte babbled to her she hadn't once turned around. There was nothing to say to Charlotte and Lou hoped sooner or later she would stop coming by altogether.

Rachel kept telling her she shouldn't blame Charlotte for what Wicks had done, but Lou knew if she'd known he was alive she'd never have stepped foot in St. Joe and taken such a huge risk. She still would have gone for Teresa and Jeremiah, but she would have gone about it differently. Each time Charlotte came to visit she begged to be forgiven, but Lou couldn't do it. Maybe one day, but at the moment she had nothing to say to her. She didn't have much of anything to say to anyone.

Looking back out the window, Lou could see Kid still rooted in place and staring up at the house. She dropped the curtain immediately, embarrassed to be caught looking. It didn't stop her from looking again and again.

She couldn't help it. As angry as she was, as hurt, betrayed, ravaged and destroyed, she still loved her husband. And for that reason alone, Lou knew she'd made the right decision in her mind. It's the right decision, she told herself again. She could no longer let him be beside her suffering. There was no end in sight for the frame of mind she was in and although she hoped and prayed a normal life, a normal love, was in her future, she knew she couldn't make Kid wait for her to decide she was ready. He was young and he was passionate, and she hadn't felt either in quite a while. It was time for her to let him go.

She waited a minute then pulled the curtain aside again. Lou found the yard empty. A sense of relief washed through her and she was unsure if it was because she wouldn't have to look down at Kid's forlorn face again or because she had finally made peace with her decision to set him free.

"Lou, you're not makin' sense!" Kid had been pacing the bedroom for nearly thirty minutes. He'd finally decided to try and convince her to let him help her and somehow the conversation had turned against him. "I ain't like him!"

"You're right, Kid, you're not, but this whole.thing, proves it for me. Somehow, we were doomed from the start and this seals it."

"What are you saying?"

"Please, don't make this any harder than it already is."

The realization of what Lou was saying set in and Kid fought at the panic that seeped through the edges of his sanity. "You're out of your mind, Lou! You're gonna break up our marriage because of this? Because he's the man who fathered me?"

"Kid, Wicks destroyed me the day he took me! He's made me feel cheap and dirty and disgusting. I can't look at myself in the mirror because all I see is the evidence of what he did to me. I'll have this reminder forever!" Lou pointed to the scar on her lip. "I can't even imagine going back to what it was for us, Kid. How can I share your bed again? You're his son! I can't help but think of him when I'm near you."

"God damn it, Lou. I'm not his son! He gave up the right to be my father when I was eight-years-old and truth be known, I'd given up on him even before he ran out and left us to die. He means nothing to me and I to him. He's less kin to me than Teaspoon and Rachel or Jimmy or Buck. Don't do this, Lou. Don't push me out of your life."

"Please, Kid. Don't make this any harder than this has to be."

"You already said that too many times! Of course I'm gonna make this hard. We're married. You and I stood before God and our friends and family and made vows, Lou! For better or worse, remember? I'm not letting you run away from that so easy."

"Easy? You think this is easy for me? All I've ever wanted since I was little was to be loved. To grow-up and meet someone I could love and grow old with, to have my own family, but that dream was shattered the minute he tore my dress off."

"Stop talking like that!"

"Well, imagine that," she snapped sarcastically. "You don't want to hear about what he did to me. You don't want to hear about how he raped me and beat me and broke my spirit and made me call him Daddy!"

"Lou!"

"Face it, Kid, you don't want to hear about it. Well, I don't want to live with it, but I have to and looking at you and living with you just makes it worse!" She knew Kid would stay with her no matter what. He was a good man and he deserved better. Her only hope to make him leave, to give him a chance to have his own normal life, was to force him away, to make him believe there was no love between them anymore.

"You don't mean that. It's only been a month; you just need more time. I can give you more time."

"A month, a year, ten years - it's not gonna change how I feel."

"Are you trying to tell me you don't love me anymore?" His heart leapt into his throat as he dared to ask the question. He wholeheartedly feared her answer.

Lou couldn't respond. In the deepest recesses of her heart it was the furthest from the truth. She'd loved him before, she loved him after and likely she would love him forever. At the moment, she just didn't know how she'd live with him and she didn't know how she'd live with herself if she didn't let him go.

He watched her and waited through the silence. "See! You can't answer me because you love me just as much as I love you! We can fix this together, Lou. Let me be here, let me help you."

"That's just it, I don't want to be fixed or helped! I want everything back the way it was before, but that can't happen!" Lou dropped back into the rocking chair and put her head in her hands. "God, this makes my head hurt. All of this. I can't live like this and I know you can't either. Please, Kid, let's not destroy what little dignity we both have left and end this now."

"No!"

The roar snapped her head back. Looking at Kid, his face red, his eyes wide and determined, she asked, "What did you say to me?"

His voice was deadly calm, but tinged with anger. "You heard me and I meant it. I'm not quitting on us, Lou. I never took you for a quitter either."

The words stung as harshly as he'd intended. "I'm not a quitter, I'm just facing the truth. I know I can't do this, not with you, not now."

"How do you know without even trying?"

"I have been trying, Kid. Have you been here day after day? What do you think I've been doing?"

"Wallowing in self pity." The silence was deafening. He'd been thinking it for weeks, but never meant to actually say it out loud. How could he say it to her when he knew he couldn't begin to understand what she was going through? He only knew it pained him to watch her stare listlessly out the window every day, seemingly having given up.

"Get out, Kid." She kept her voice as even as possible.

"Lou, I didn't mean that."

"You did or you wouldn't have said it. Just get out before we both say anything more we'll regret." She was more hurt and embarrassed that he'd called her on it than anything else. She had been wallowing, but didn't need to be reminded of it, especially when she had no idea what to do about it.

"Where do you want me to go?" He had no idea what he would do now.

"Anywhere but here. I'd leave, but I have Jeremiah and Teresa to think of."

"Well that would be the first time in a month now, wouldn't it?" He didn't want to get mean, but he couldn't let her delude herself into thinking she'd been the dutiful sister and caregiver over the last four weeks.

"What does that mean, Kid? I've done my best by the two of them."

"Is that what you call the occasional hello or the once in a blue moon goodnight kiss? Who do you think has taken care of them, Lou? Rachel or Teaspoon or Charlotte even? No, Lou, it's me. I'm the one who makes sure they're up and dressed and fed. I'm the one who took them to school when it became clear we weren't leavin' for Sweetwater. I'm the one who rides with Jeremiah, reads to Teresa. Are you ready to start handlin' that? You shove me away Lou and it's all or nothing."

"They're my responsibility. I'll take care of them."

"You're not listening to me!" His frustration with the conversation grew by the minute. "I'm not asking you to take care of them. I don't do it out of duty; I really love those kids. I love helpin' with them. What I'm asking you is not to do this. Let me stay here with them. Let me stay here with you. I know you need time. I'll give you all the time you need. Just let me be here for you too."

Lou lowered her head to her hands again to hide the tears starting to build. Sending him away was so much harder than she'd imagined. "I can't let you."

"Why not?"

"I just can't."

"That's not an answer."

"It's all I have to say. Go, Kid."

With a last look at Lou bent over in her chair, he turned towards the door. It was obvious to him that she was hurting and he took that as a good sign that she actually had some emotions left. He knew he'd get no further with her right then, but he wasn't ready to give up yet. "This isn't over, Lou. Trust me."

It wasn't until she heard the front door slam that she was able to lift her heavy head. She turned back to the window, her home for the past four weeks, and moved the curtain aside. She heard Teresa and Jeremiah returning from school before she saw them. They came into view and she watched Teresa hurl herself into Kid's outstretched arms and watched Jeremiah, once so reserved, stand beside them talking animatedly and laughing. She could tell Kid was masking his pain, but knew as they all walked together towards the barn that he would tell them there - tell them how their sister had cast him out, tell them he was leaving, and she knew it would crush them as it had her. As she waited to see him walk away alone, she cried tears she hadn't thought possible.

Chapter 14