They'd decided to walk to the doctor's surgery on the far side of town. Lou was hoping the time and the fresh winter air would work together to calm her jumbled nerves. She hadn't slept but a few hours the night before. Lying awake until well after midnight, alternately crying and cursing her fate, she'd finally decided she needed to get out of the house.

Wrapping herself in one of Kid's heavy coats she'd walked to the barn to sit and listen to the familiar, soothing sounds of the horses. Too long had passed since the simple days of riding and laughing with everyone from the Express. Too many loved ones were dead and gone while too many others were too far from home. It amazed her to think back on how innocent they were then and she desperately wished she could turn back time.

Settling down on a hay bale outside Lightning's stall she parted the oversized jacket and looked down at her still flat stomach. How was it possible that a child might be growing inside her and she hadn't even known it? What would she do if the doctor confirmed she was pregnant? It would be hard enough to raise a child on her own, but dealing with the fact that it was his child and not one made out of an act of love would be too cruel.

Different options ran through her head as the moon traveled across the night sky. She remembered hearing talk while she was working at the saloon many years earlier. There were stories about what some of the working girls did when they got into trouble and she shuddered at the mere thought. No matter what she found out from the doctor, she knew she could never do that.

The thought of giving the child up to the orphanage crossed her mind, but she doubted she could do to another child what had been done to her. Life in the orphanage had been so bad for her that she'd run away and ended up right in the clutches of Ethan Wicks. Her only salvation had been joining the Pony Express, and even though she'd loved it, even that hadn't been easy. She wouldn't wish either life on anyone else. Lou knew that, rightfully, there was no reason for the child to grow up without at least its mother and she made up her mind that she would keep the baby with her, no matter what.

She'd woken that morning stiff and cold in the barn and crawled into her own bed just as the sun rose over the foothills. Now, as the church bells chimed noon, Lou walked with Rachel at a leisurely pace, as if they had no plans other than an afternoon in town. Looking at the Christmas decorations that adorned the shops she realized she hadn't even known it was so close to the holiday. Spending all of her time in her room made it easy to become very unaware of the world around her.

The only thing that gave Lou any peace of mind was the fact that it would be Dr. Bailey doing the examination instead of Dr. Peters, the regular town doc. When Rachel had suggested that they send a telegram to the doctor who had taken such good care of her after the attack, Jimmy and Buck insisted on going to meet him and escort him back. They'd made it there and back in less than three days. Having bargained with Dr. Peter's for use of his surgery, Dr. Bailey waited there for her now.

Paul Bailey greeted Lou and Rachel with a wide grin and a gentle handshake for each of them. As the weeks passed by, he found himself often wondering what had become of Louise McCloud since he'd treated her. When the telegram arrived followed by her two friends to accompany him, he knew he couldn't deny the unusual request. He learned all about the young woman's turbulent recovery and recent behavior as they rode the trail from St. Joe to Rock Creek and he suspected that Ms. Dunne had diagnosed Lou correctly.

"You look lovely, Mrs. McCloud."

Lou blushed despite her anxiousness. The doctor had a way about him that made her feel at ease. "Thank you for coming, Dr. Bailey, but please call me Lou."

"Okay. Lou it is. Ms. Dunne, a pleasure to see you as well."

Rachel smiled at the doctor and nodded. She knew he was fully aware of the situation, including Lou and Kid's pending divorce and Lou's reluctance to even see a doctor for her pregnancy. Her eyes conveyed the gratitude she felt, as well as a prayer that he would have good news for them.

"Mrs. Bailey sends her best and she's sorry to hear you're not feelin' well."

"Please thank her for me." Lou genuinely liked the doctor's wife. She'd been very sweet and motherly during the short time Lou recovered in St. Joe. She turned to hang up her coat on the hook by the door. "She couldn't come with you?"

"No. Her mother's not well so she couldn't stray far. I'll bring her along next time."

The doctor's words stopped Lou with her coat only half way to the wall hook "Next time? You mean you'll come see me again?"

"Well, a doctor does that for his patients, follows up with them and all. Doc Peters has offered to let me use his office in exchange for helpin' with some of his other patients when I'm in town, but let's see what's going on with you first and then we can talk about my future visits. Why don't you come into the other room?"

Rachel could have kissed the doctor for his tender treatment of Lou and for the mere suggestion that he would come back and look in on her as her pregnancy progressed. "Would you like me to go in with you, Louise?" She'd promised her young friend that she'd be beside her through it all.

Lou thought about it carefully and shook her head with determined confidence. "I'll be okay, Rachel, you stay here."

Rachel squeezed Lou's hand and watched her pass through the heavy, drawn curtains. Dropping into a hard wooden chair, she tried to prepare herself for whatever outcome the examination yielded.

By the time she was allowed in to see Lou it was almost thirty minutes later and Rachel was as wound up as a toy top. She looked first at the doctor, sitting at the desk furiously writing some sort of list or notes. He wouldn't look up at her and Rachel felt her hands begin to tremble. Trailing her gaze around the room, she felt her heart drop in her chest as she set her eyes on Lou, sitting on the examining table, weeping into her hands.

Moving to her side, Rachel pulled Lou into an embrace and gently started rocking her. "Shh.now. No more cryin', you hear me? It'll be okay. We'll help you with the baby. Shh."

Lou tried to talk, but found she was pressed so tightly to Rachel's bosom she could hardly take a breath. Wrestling from her grip, Lou sat back and wiped at her tears with the sleeve of her blouse. "I'm okay, Rachel. I'm not sure why I'm cryin' really."

"Then you're not havin' a baby?"

Lou could hardly speak and pressed her fingertips to her lips as she nodded her head. "I am."

"Then I don't understand."

Lou wanted to laugh at the perplexed look on Rachel's face, but knew it would only start the tears again. "I'm almost four months along," she said quietly. Watching Rachel do the calculations in her head and then again on her fingers, Lou's tears did return when the smile lit her friend's face.

"It's Kid's?" Rachel asked, her voice barely a whisper. Astounded, it was as if all her prayers for the young couple had been answered.

Lou nodded again. "The baby's gonna be born in June."

"But I still don't understand." Rachel turned to the doctor. "Are you sure?"

"Positive," he answered with a grin. "I've had lots of training with pregnancies and I know what I see here."

Rachel turned back to Lou. "So that means."

"I was already pregnant when he attacked me. It can't be Wicks' baby."

Rachel turned again to the doctor. "And the baby's alright? He didn't hurt it when he was so rough with her?"

"It looks as if everything is progressing nicely. You'd be surprised at the resiliency of unborn children, Ms. Dunne. Luckily it was early enough. I was so busy treating the other injuries, I'm only sorry I didn't see it then, I could have saved you all some heartache." The doctor now stood beside the two women and placed his hand on Lou's shoulder. "My main concern now is this young lady and what she's gonna do to improve her eating and sleeping habits."

Having already accepted Dr. Bailey's apology for the missed diagnosis several times over, Lou smiled sheepishly at his chastising. "I promise you I'll take better care of myself and the baby." She held out her hand for the list he'd worked on so diligently. "Four glasses of milk every day? You'll be able to milk me like a cow!"

"Lou, you've been neglecting your body for too long now. You've lost weight since I saw you last and that's not good for expectin' mamas. You should be gainin', gettin' rounder. The baby needs the milk and all the other things on this list to help it grow and not be born too early. Understand?"

"Yes, sir." She looked down at the list again and shook her head. He'd given her an extensive list of foods to eat and habits to acquire or adjust. "When will you come back again?"

"I think six weeks time will be long enough. I'm gonna let you ladies show yourselves out. I promised the Marshal I'd come check on his foot before I headed out to see some of the folks in the area."

"Please don't tell him when you see him, or anyone else hangin' about there. I know they'll ask." Lou wanted to be the one to tell them her news.

"I think I can keep your secret."

"They're slippery, Doc, especially that one in the uniform. They'll try and trick you," warned Rachel.

"Don't you two worry, just enjoy this good news and I'll handle Marshal Hunter and friends."

The doctor left Lou and Rachel to savor the excitement, but within moments the joy wore off for Lou and her smile faded away.

"Sweetie, what's wrong? This is such a happy day." Rachel took Lou's face in her hands and turned it up to meet her own. "There's no time for this frown, we have to go tell everyone."

Lou tried to smile for her friend, but her heart was too heavy. "I'd like to tell Kid separate."

"Of course! He's gonna be a daddy; that's news he deserves to hear on his own." Rachel dropped her hands from Lou's cheeks and rushed out to the front room for Lou's coat.

Sliding off the table, Lou called out, "I just don't want an audience. I think it'll go better if I do it, you know, just the two of us."

"Go better?" Rachel questioned as she returned. "You needn't worry about the Kid. That boy'll be flyin' on a cloud from now until June and then some!"

Lou doubted it. "Well, he needs to know I won't keep the baby from him."

Rachel stopped helping Lou with the heavy woolen garment and left her floundering for the armhole. "Keep him from the baby? Louise McCloud, you're not thinkin' of going through with that divorce nonsense are you?"

"Havin' Kid's baby doesn't change anything."

"It changes everything! You're gonna have a family now, Louise. You need each other."

"Just cause I got this news, doesn't make what happened with Wicks disappear. It's still the same. It's still gonna hurt every time I see Kid. I'm still gonna think of Wicks every time I'm near him! I can't just change my mind like that. It's not fair to me and it's not fair to him. He deserves a normal life. The only thing I can do is promise the Kid that he'll be a part of the baby's life."

"That's enough!" Rachel was furious. "He does deserve a normal life, but he deserves one with you and with that baby you have growin' in you! He deserves a chance to be with you everyday, see his child grow, teach it new things, to love it, to love you. I've never heard you be so selfish before, Louise! Never! That young man would trade places with you if he could. He'd take all your pain and suffering and make it his own. He'd carry your horrible memories if he could, but he can't and it's not because it's impossible, but because you won't let him. Kid loves you madly and right now, I can't understand why."

Lou watched dumbfounded as Rachel stormed away and left the office with a harsh slam of the door. She'd deserved the lecture, but it still surprised Lou that Rachel felt so vehemently about reconciliation between her and the Kid. She'd been quiet with her opinion for weeks and Lou thought that she and Teaspoon were resigned to the fact of the divorce.

Leaving the office alone, Lou clutched her instructions from Dr. Bailey in her gloved hand and retraced her steps back to the west end of town. She could see Rachel storming ahead of her and prayed she didn't say anything to anyone gathered at Teaspoon's office. Keeping her distance, she watched Rachel move right past the assembled group and hold up a hand to keep Teaspoon from following her when he started off the porch. Lou dropped her head as she continued up the street, ashamed that she'd hurt her friend's opinion of her so badly.

Kid could see Lou heading towards them, her head hanging low. Her dejected look had the energy draining from his body and his shoulders slumping. He sensed she had bad news and she'd already upset Rachel with it. It helped explain why Rachel refused to stop. He left his spot on the bench and started towards Lou. He still wasn't sure how he'd react when she told him what the doctor said, but he'd decided he'd do his best to be a man about it.

So focused on her labored steps, Lou didn't see Kid step into her path. She nearly fell backwards when they collided, his hand snaking out to grab her so she didn't land on her seat. "Oh! Sorry, wasn't payin' attention." There was an awkward silence and it was painful for her to feel so uncomfortable around him.

"You okay?" The question was loaded with multiple meanings.

"You saved me from a fall, thanks." Lou looked up into Kid's searching blue eyes and knew he was trying to read her face. She struggled to keep it neutral.

"My pleasure." Straining to keep the sarcasm or sadness out, he hated that they felt they had to be formal, almost like strangers.

Looking around to see Teaspoon, Buck and Jimmy watching them along with Cody, Charlotte and Travis, Lou asked, "Can we talk somewhere?" She wanted to get away from the questioning stares of their friends as well as the other townspeople who were becoming increasingly aware of the strain in the McCloud home.

"I'm staying upstairs. We could go there." Kid indicated the staircase on the side of Teaspoon's office with a nod of his head. Other than when he'd gone home to convince her to see the doctor, he realized it was the first time they were having a real conversation since she'd throw him out.

Lou already knew he was staying there and looked at the stairs skeptically.

Frustrated with her hesitation, Kid grabbed her hand and led Lou towards the stairs.

"Kid, stop pulling me!"

"You're leaving me no choice." He refused to let go, pulling her carefully up the stairs. Entering his one room home he deposited her in the only chair and started pacing feverishly. "Are you doing this to drive me insane, Lou? Cause if so, you're doin' a damn fine job of it." He turned to see her sitting as he'd left her, staring up at him. "I don't want to be like this. I don't want us to be like this." Stepping before her, he crouched down and tipped her chin up so he could meet her eyes. "You can tell me, Lou, because no matter what Doc Bailey said, I can handle it."

Her heart lurched. She could tell by the sincere and loving look on his face that Kid meant every word of what he was saying. Even if she told him she was carrying his father's child, he would take care of it and love it and love her too. Maybe even more so because of it, and that realization broke her heart. He'd let go of her chin and was clutching both of her knees to keep himself balanced and Lou couldn't resist reaching out and touching his hair. She loved the way it curled, as it was right then, when he needed a haircut, and she loved the way it always felt so soft. Will our child look like him? I can only hope that he or she has the same blue eyes and the same sweet face.

The tears started again and Lou swiped at them, the moment broken. "The doctor said I'm.I'm four months along now. I got pregnant in September, Kid." She looked up to see first shock and then joy transform Kid's face into one giant smile.

"You mean it, you're havin' my baby? Our baby?" He was so excited he shot up from his position and started pacing the room again, his mouth moving a mile a minute. "He's sure, Lou? No chance at a mistake? What did you tell Rachel? She looked so upset when she passed. Wait till I tell everyone! I can't believe I'm gonna be a daddy!" Kid crossed back over to Lou and seeing her enthusiasm didn't match his, he dropped beside her again. "How are you doing? You feel okay?"

"I'm fine, Kid, just tired. It's been a long afternoon." The worst part was, it wasn't even over yet.

"Did you ask the doctor about that? Is it normal?" He was curious about her health, yet found he couldn't stop grinning and couldn't stop staring at Lou's closed coat where it covered her stomach. His child was growing there.

"He says its part the baby and part I ain't takin' care of myself. He gave me this whole list of things I should eat and stuff I should do before it's born in June." Lou held the list on her lap and was surprised when Kid took it and read it carefully.

"Don't seem too bad, just better foods and getting some walks in and stuff for exercise. Don't worry about and of this; we can do it together."

"Kid, don't do this." Lou knew she sounded desperate, but she was. She didn't want to be nasty about it like they had been before, but she couldn't let him talk about doing things together like the fact that the baby was his changed everything.

"Do what?"

"Act like everything's gonna be fine all the sudden. It's not. I still can't do this with you. I just wanted you to know that the baby's yours and I won't deny you being a part of its life."

Kid threw his hands up in stunned frustration. "You can't be serious! You honestly can't be serious, Lou. You still want to divorce me? Now, when you're having our baby? Why can't you just look at this as a sign that we were meant to be together and let me come home?"

"Because it still hurts to be around you! Is that what you wanted to hear? God, Kid. I'm so relieved that this is our baby I'm having; don't ever think I'm not, 'cause I am. At least now, I know I can love this baby no matter what, but as for us being together, I can't see how. I want the baby to know you, to love you, but as for me, Kid. I can't do it." There was an unconvincing hitch in her voice and she knew he'd heard it.

"Are you saying you don't love me anymore, Lou? If you are, I'm gonna call you a liar. I can hear it in your voice and I saw it in your eyes when I held your arm downstairs. It was that same look as when I used to touch you before."

"Before Wicks?" she spat.

"No, I meant before we started dancin', Lou. When it was still new between us. When just one look from you would melt my heart and when I knew I could make your eyes go misty just by standing close or holding your hand. It wasn't that long ago. Hell, I can remember a certain stolen kiss last Christmas Eve that had my heart racin' until New Years! That's what I want back. I want us and I want this baby and Teresa and Jeremiah and our ranch. I want it all, why don't you?"

She had no words to explain herself. She wanted what he wanted too, but she wanted it without the nightmares and without the memories and the scars. She wanted it innocently and she didn't think it could ever happen for her like that again. She knew he'd never understand if she told him it hurt her just as badly to leave him as it did for him to watch her go. Instead, she rose to go before the tears could start again. "I need to go."

"Fine, Lou. Walk away, but this ain't over." He'd let her leave and go home to tell her brother and sister about the baby. He'd let her leave to rest and to try and plan for a future apart, but he wasn't giving up that easily.

Lou didn't turn back, tears now coursing down her cheeks, and she descended the stairs with heavy footsteps.

The assembled group stood listening, unsure whether they should jump for joy or drown their sorrows. As Kid shared the news of the baby's paternity with Teaspoon, Jimmy, Buck, Cody, Charlotte and Travis they could all see both his happiness and his pain.

"She still wants the divorce?" Cody asked. Having been gone since right after their return from St. Joe, he wasn't prepared for what had been going on with Kid and Lou in his absence.

"She says she does." Kid shook his head. "But I think she's lying. It's just not sittin' well with me."

"Son," started Teaspoon. "You shouldn't do this to yourself. Maybe it's time you just honor her wishes." He hated suggesting it, but couldn't stand to watch the young man delude himself into thinking everything would go back to being as it once was.

"You didn't see her, Teaspoon! I finally saw some emotion from her today. Every other time it's been like talkin' to a scarecrow, but today.today I got to her. I know she loves me still, I just need to make her realize it."

"Kid, are you plannin' something?"

"Charlotte, I'm planning more than something," Kid grinned. "I'm planning our future."

Chapter 16