Chapter Three November 3, 1871
Dear Rachel,
This will not be a happy letter, I must warn you now. I am assuming you received my telegram about Kid and read the whole story in all the papers by now.
Oh, Rachel, the past few weeks have been so hard. I still cannot believe that Kid is gone. Everyone is saying that the pain will decrease with time, but I just cannot understand how that can be so. I miss him more and more with each day that passes...I never want to quit missing him, Rachel. During the day, I keep thinking of things I want to tell him, little stories about things that happened while he was at work. And then I remember that he won't be coming home from work again. But the nights are the worst. The bed is too big without him there to share it. The darkness used to be comforting, when I could lie there in his arms, unable to see the worries that would be revealed by the light of day; but now, now it is cold and smothering. At least during the day I have those worries to keep me busy, but at night I am left with nothing but the knowledge that Kid is gone.
Back when we all lived in Sweetwater, I never imagined that I could ever be lonely. I had built up so many defenses, swearing to myself that I would never let anyone in. That way, nobody could ever hurt me. I was happy to be left alone. But Kid started tearing down those defenses bit by bit, from the minute he found out I was a girl, until his love filled up all the space that my defenses had once taken up, and he became a part of me. And he is still there, Rachel, but there is an emptiness now that my memories of him cannot fill; and I am lonely. I need him so much! I, who never needed anybody, need Kid more than I need air. And yet, as much as I need him, I know that need will never bring him back, and that is the loneliest feeling in the world--to need someone that much and know they can never be there.
Rachel, have you heard from Jimmy at all? He left town before the funeral, and I have not heard from him since he told me about Kid. I'm worried about him. I know he blames himself for what happened, and you know how Jimmy is--he'll never forgive himself. I don't know; maybe part of me blames him too. I mean, Kid and Jimmy were best friends. Jimmy should have known his voice. But they had been apart for so long, and I know Kid had not seen him much since we moved to Abilene. So maybe it is unfair to expect that Jimmy would know it was Kid. Jimmy only reacted to the situation, and while I want to hate him and blame him, I know in my heart that I cannot. Kid would not blame him, and I do not blame him. I only hope Jimmy can stop blaming himself.
Write me soon, Rachel. I need to hear from you so desperately right now.
Louise
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