Chapter Six Jimmy sat on the bed in his room, clutching the envelope he had just been handed. The writing on the front was something he had not seen in years, but he would know it anywhere. She had finally tracked him down, and now he was not sure if he could stand to read what she had to say. It was easy for him to blame himself, to imagine that Lou blamed him, but he could not take it if he heard it from Lou herself. Like an unseen force, though, something compelled him to open the letter and read:
Dear Jimmy,
I hope to God that you get this letter. I don't expect you to reply, but I beg of you, please read this the whole way through. I have some things to tell you that I think you need to hear, so please, Jimmy, hear me out.
Jimmy, what happened to Kid was not your fault. It took me a while to be able to accept that, but it is true. Kid was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, Jimmy. I wish more than anything that we could all go back and change what happened that day, but we can't. We can only go on with our lives, keeping Kid's memory safe in our hearts, but we have to go on.
Cody told me that you joined his show in New York a few years back. I never imagined you as the big city type, and I guess you aren't since you didn't stay very long. He told me about meeting you in that saloon and how you refused his offer to join the show, but then showed up in New York a couple months later. He also told me that you were still blaming yourself when you left the show. I've been trying to find you ever since, and I pray that you are still in Deadwood and this letter finds you; and that you heed what I say.
I still miss Kid everyday, but I am getting on with my life, and I hope you will be able to do the same. A couple months after Kid died, I came out here to California to visit Rachel. I started to feel sick on the train, so I saw a doctor when I got to California. Jimmy, you know I had a miscarriage years ago, not long after Kid and I were married, and that the doctor told me I would never have children. Well, he must have been wrong, because the doctor in California told me I was three months pregnant. I admit, it helped me survive the pain of Kid's death knowing that I would still have a part of him. James Michael Williams, Jamie, was born on June 24, 1872, and he has been my life ever since. He looks just like Kid, Jimmy, with the same blue eyes, and the same brown wavy hair, and Kid's smile.
But that is not all. About two years ago, I met a wonderful man named Luke Winslow. We've been married for about six months now. Kid will always be in my heart, and Luke understands that, but I'm learning more and more everyday that there is room there for my love for Luke too. He will never take Kid's place, but he has his own place there now. It took me a long time to realize that; to realize that my relationship with Luke was not dishonoring Kid's memory at all. But Jimmy, I really am happy now, as happy as I was when Kid and I were married. And I know that is what Kid would have wanted for me.
I knew Kid better than anyone, Jimmy, and he would not blame you for what happened. Come visit me in California, please. The only missing piece of my life right now is the knowledge that you have finally forgiven yourself. Promise me that you will do that Jimmy. I cannot be completely at peace until I know that you are finally at peace.
Jimmy, my friend, I have missed you since the day you left Abilene. Please come see me. I love you Jimmy Hickok, I always have, no matter what. No matter what. Please believe that, Jimmy, because I mean it with all my heart. Come visit me, and see for yourself.
With all my love,
Louise
Jimmy folded up the letter slowly and deliberately, Lou's words embedded in his mind. He closed his eyes, trying to erase them, but they just glowed there in the darkness, as if they were carved into his eyelids. She couldn't mean it. There was no way that Lou could have forgiven him for what he did. But there it was, in black and white, for him to read. She forgave him. She did not blame him. She had named her son after him.
But could he believe her? 'That's silly Hickok,' he thought to himself. 'Lou never lies. If she says she doesn't blame you, then she doesn't blame you.'
He put the letter in his shirt pocket, knowing he would be reading it again and again until he decided whether to accept what Lou had to say or go on blaming himself. Oh, he did not tell himself that in those words, but in the back of his mind, he knew.
He would have to seriously consider going to California to see her. Maybe seeing her new life for himself would help. Well, that decision would have to wait. He was expected downstairs half an hour ago for a card game. Leaving his room, he walked down to the saloon on the first floor to join the card game in progress. Seeing his group, he was dismayed to find that the only chair left was facing away from the door.
"Would one of you mind switching seats with me?" he approached the group. It was a well-known fact that Wild Bill Hickok never sat with his back to the door. Ever since Abilene, he had refused to accept a position as marshal of any town, and had done his best to drop out of sight, but there was still the occasional fame seeker that would call him out. He had also been threatened more than once, so it had become his habit to always be aware of his surroundings. This included never sitting with his back to the door in a saloon, so that he could see everyone who walked in.
"Not today," one of the men at the table smirked. "Have a seat," he motioned pointedly to the empty chair.
Jimmy sighed and sat down. He knew the men thought he was overreacting with his insistence on never sitting with his back to the door, and maybe they were right. What harm could it be, just this once?
"Game's five card draw," the man next to him said, dealing the cards. "You in or out?"
"In," Jimmy threw his ante into the pot. He spent the next couple hours concentrating on hand after hand, as the pile of money beside him grew.
"Sure gathering a lot of our money there," one man joked. "Got any big plans for that pile?"
"Yep," Jimmy grinned. "I'm making a little trip to California. Gonna visit a friend of mine."
"Sounds nice."
"Hey, anyone got the time?" Jimmy asked.
"Yeah, it's about five minutes after four," one of the men replied.
"Thanks. I've got time for one more hand," he took the cards that were dealt to him. It was a great hand: two aces, two eights, and a five. "I'm in," he threw some money into the pot, concentrating on each of the other players to see their reactions. He had learned to read his opponents well, and that was coming in handy tonight. "One," he threw the five onto the table and took the card the dealer handed to him. It was a six. Well, that was not what he wanted, but two pair was still a pretty good hand. The bidding went around the table, and just as he was about to make his bid, the doors to the saloon squeaked open, and a voice called out "Hickok" just before a shot was heard.
|