He made a valiant effort, but by early evening the visits with the children and his family and friends, as well as the poking by the doctors wore the Kid out. He had spent the afternoon drifting in and out of sleep, but by the time the sun dipped below the far foothills Lou could hear the gentle snoring that only came when Kid was at his most relaxed. It was a sound that brought a ceaseless smile to her lips as she lowered the lamplight.

Returning to the kitchen she was greeted by constant chatter, easy smiles and peals of laughter - three things that had been missing from their home for too long.

Helping herself to some of the food still warming on the stove, Lou eased into a seat between Rachel and Sarah. Rachel stopped her prattling only long enough to turn and hug Lou.

“Oh, he looks so wonderful, Lou! I’m so happy now. He’s really going to be okay!”

Fatigue was beginning to set in and all Lou could do was nod her head and smile kindly. She absently tore her biscuit into small pieces and fed them to her daughter.

“The docs seem pleased,” said Jimmy around the chicken leg he was devouring.

Lou nodded again. “They seem to think he’ll be just fine. We need to get him up and walking in the next day or so. The hip’ll be sore for a while, he may even feel the weather in it on a bad day, but overall, he’s very lucky.”

Silence interrupted the celebration as everyone simultaneously took stock of their own fortunes as well as the fortunes of their loved ones. The somber moment was brief and it amazed Lou how quickly life could change - from melancholy to joyous in the blink of an eye. Watching the laughter return to her kitchen, she soaked up the essence that was her family.

It seemed like an eternity before the last person had gone home and the kitchen was returned to normal. Weary, Lou started up the stairs, each one seeming a mile high. A slow smile played across her lips when she heard the quick scurry of feet and then the children’s secret laughter.

Mary Emma, Sarah and Jackson had been watching the Kid sleep for most of the evening. It had started with them playing quietly in the room, just excited to know their father was getting well, but they quickly figured out that by staring over his sleeping form or giving him the occasional accidental poke they could elicit a few moments of semi-lucid conversation as well as some interesting promises. So far Sarah was getting a new puppy and Jackson was going to get a chance to break the newest horse.

Try as she might, Lou could not begrudge the children this playtime, even if it did disturb Kid. It wasn’t going to harm him and it did the children’s spirits a world of good. During the evening, she had made attempts to keep the antics to a minimum, but in truth she liked knowing that each time they woke him, Kid was okay.

Stepping into her room she looked down at the three children sitting together on the floor, at the foot of the bed, playing cards. Flushed with activity, they tried their best to look angelic, but the twinkle of co-conspiracy was in each of their eyes. She wished she could let them play all night, be the free spirited children they were, but she was so tired. She needed to get into bed, to curl up to her husband and be alone with him for a while.

“Let’s go, everybody. It’s late and it’s time for bed.”

“We were just sitting here bein’ quiet, Lou. Really.”

Standing behind the usually silent boy, his heaving chest giving him away, she spoke to his back. “I’ve been a mother too long to be fooled by the likes of you, Jackson.”

The boy looked back and up at Lou cautiously, needing visual reassurance that she was joking with him and not really mad. Seeing her standing there, arms crossed and a knowing smirk on her face he gave an exaggerated sigh and stood up.

Letting him pass by, she tousled his hair. “You’ll need to practice playing possum if you plan to fool me, young man.” It surprised her how she was adjusting to the idea of his permanency in their lives. Being able to joke with him, as she did with her own children, was a big step for her.

Taking her daughters by the hands she led them off to bed, looking guilty, but happy.

Careful not to disturb the Kid, Lou climbed into the bed assuming the same position she had adopted the night before. Curled to his side, she rested her head on the pillow beside his. Her right hand gently touching his hair, the left was over his heart. The steady rise and fall of his chest calmed her and she could feel he was sleeping peacefully.

Lou was exhausted. Her tingling body told her so, but sleep was still slow to take hold. Her breathing became one with his and slowly her eyelids drifted downward. As she forced her body to rest, it felt like her mind remained active, so that when his hand reached for hers she wasn’t sure if it was a dream. Kid’s fingers were stroking her hand where it lay on his chest, tenderly touching her wedding ring.

She didn’t dare speak. She feared waking him if he was doing it unknowingly or making him stop if he wasn’t. The familiar touch was everything she needed and she wanted it to last forever.

Kid sensed that Lou was awake. He had felt her body tense when he touched her hand, but he continued anyway. He needed to know that it wasn’t a dream, that she really was back in his arms again. He wanted to talk to her, to find a way to finally explain, but he was afraid to cause her the pain he knew it would inflict. Finally, his need to unburden himself outweighed all else.

“Lou?”

The voice was barely discernible and she could hear the trepidation in it. “I’m awake,” she answered.

“I had a feeling you were.” He could feel her breath on his neck.

“You should really get some sleep. We can talk in the mornin’.”

“I’ve been resting so much, I’m wide awake. I’d like to talk some now, if you feel up to it.” He felt Lou nod. “Can we sit up for a while? I’m awful tired of laying here.”

“Do you really thing you should, Kid? Maybe you should wait?”

“Really, Lou. If it’s too much I’ll lay back down.”

She knew it was hard for a man so used to regular activity to lie still for a few minutes, let alone days on end. “Okay,” she finally relented. “But let me help you.”

Pulling herself into a sitting position, she turned up the recently extinguished oil lamp and in the low light helped Kid to push himself back against the headboard. Propping an extra pillow behind him she worried when she saw the pain flash in his eyes.

Waving her off, he took a minute to steady himself. “Lou, let it go. I’m just sore is all. It’s already passed and I feel better for sitting up.”

She shook her head slightly in disbelief and repositioned herself so she was cross-legged on the bed facing him. She tried to read his face, but he was determined to keep it even.

Kid took a deep breath and started right in. “I tried being mad at you when I found out you left. I really did. I wanted to hate you even.”

Lou felt a sharp, unexpected pain in her chest and wondered if it was her heart breaking. She clutched her hands tighter in her lap and watched her knuckles go white.

“But you see, I didn’t have it in me. I asked myself how could I hate the one person in my life that has shown me the true meaning of love, the person who’s been my best friend? That person is you, Lou.” He stopped speaking long enough to look at her down-turned face. “I know I hurt you when Jackson showed up and you had no idea about him, but when I first found out about him, you and I weren’t back together yet and then when you told me about Flynn, it just never crossed my mind. After that scare, I was so happy that we were going to make it work, that it was all that mattered to me. I’ve felt guilty about it for a long time, but the longer it went on, the harder it got to just come out and tell you.”

“After a while, I knew I would never find him, so I just pushed the notion of telling you away. Then when we talked that morning, you know when you thought I was upset that we’d had another daughter, it flooded back in and I felt more guilty. I’ll regret not telling you sooner for as long as I live. You had every right to know, especially since you cleared the air before we got married.”

Still looking at her lap she asked, “What is it about us that makes us keep secrets? Why do we do this to each other?”

He took his time before responding. “I wish I could answer that, Lou. If I could, I could have saved us a lot of heartache and a whole lot of trouble over the years. It seems my whole life until I met you was filled with secrets, but, I swear I’ve kept nothing from you since the day you became mine.”

Lou nodded her head. She knew he was telling the truth. Their honesty with each other was a sense of pride for them. Raising her eyes to meet his, she searched his face. She had the answer to the biggest secret of all and needed him to tell her why.

“I know who his mother is,” she said simply. Ironic, she thought, that they were such simple words for such great pain. She had envied the woman in life - for the faraway look in Kid’s eyes when she’d arrived, for the smiles and changes and innocent kisses they had shared long before she’d been around to love him and even for being the type of woman she once thought Kid wanted. And now, though she hated to admit it, she envied the woman in death - for her chance to be his savior and because she had given Kid the one thing she hadn’t been able to. A son. “Doritha.” Lou whispered the name that had been torturing her ever since she’d heard Jackson give his surname at the school.

Kid nodded, not surprised that Lou knew before he could tell her. “Doritha,” he confirmed. Looking up at his wife, he could see all of the pain the name was causing her.

“I guess I knew all along, but didn’t want to admit it to myself. It was the only person who made sense.”

“It was a long time ago, Lou.”

She knew he was right, she’d said the very same words to him years before, but it still hurt. “I understand that. I just wish I could understand why it happened and then why you left them.”

“When I left Virginia it was just a couple of days after…after Doritha and I had been together like that.” Kid felt awkward talking about having sex with another woman. “I never knew she was with child and then I never sent for her like I promised, so she never had the chance to tell me.” Running his hands through his hair, Kid was overwhelmed by the memories rushing back at him. He could still picture the bank by the creek, the promises they made to one another, the feeling of being loved by another and then the look on her face when he walked away that final night.

“Why did you leave her?”

“It wasn’t Doritha I was leaving, but Virginia. Then again, it wasn’t really Virginia, but the memories that it held for me. There are things I’ve never told you, Lou. Things I’ve never told anyone, many that not even Jed knew about. I know we were both unlucky as children. I wouldn’t wish what happened to you on anyone, but a long time ago I swore to forget everything that I was about before I arrived at the Sweetwater Way Station.”

Lou could see the tears forming in his eyes and it was a sight that unnerved her. Leaning forward she tried to hug him without hurting him. She was caught off-guard when he clutched her to him, bent his head to rest on hers and started sobbing. She rocked with him for what seemed like hours, murmuring to him quietly, reassuring him that it would all be okay.

“You don’t have to tell me anything else, Kid. I can see it’s hurtin’ you real bad. I know you’re a good man and that you wouldn’t have left her if you’d known. You shouldn’t beat yourself up for that. Jackson’s here now and you have a chance to make it up to her by raising him. I already told you I’d help you. I mean it. I will.” She ran her hand across his shoulder and up his neck, feeling the sobs subside.

Kid didn’t bother to wipe his tears; he just let them continue to fall in Lou’s hair. “See that’s the thing, Lou. I’m not sure I would have stayed. I had to get out of there, more than I needed to be a good person. For you to understand that, I’m gonna have to tell you everything. It’s not pretty Lou, it’s a side of me I thought you’d never have to know.”

“Kid, but that’s not fair. I need to know all of it. You shouldn’t have to be by yourself in this. What you tell me - it won’t change who you are to me.” It troubled her that he couldn’t see she loved him without pretenses, that she loved him to the point of madness.

His lips curved despite his grief. He should have been accustomed to how attuned to him she was, but it never ceased to amaze him. She had spoken his biggest fear - that she would love him differently when he was done. Would she really understand what Doritha had meant to him? Would she pity him? Be repulsed by him? Or worst of all, would she just want to leave him for good? That was what scared him the most, that in the end he would be alone. Again.



Chapter Thirteen