Kid let his voice trail off - there was nothing left for him to say about his childhood in Virginia. He’d told Lou everything, including things he had never told another soul.

He sighed deeply and looked at Lou’s back as she continued to stare wordlessly out the window. She hadn’t spoken in a long time and now he couldn’t even see her face. He was nervous, hoping he hadn’t scared her away with the details of his wretched life or his murderous actions.

“I never wanted to have to tell anyone, but you needed to know, Lou. What I was, what I did - it’s a part of me that I’ll never outrun. I never even told Jed when he was here. It was easier, safer to let him think that the bastard had run off forever. I think I was scared Jed would be proud of me for doing it, and I certainly wasn’t proud of myself.”

With no reaction from Lou, Kid continued to ramble, too nervous to let the silence settle around them. “Those were lies that Jed and I told everyone when we were at supper that night he was here - I mean about living with other families and stuff. I begged him to agree to it. I told him none of you knew about my past and I didn’t want none of you to find out. I don’t think I could have stood it if any of you started to pity me. Especially you.”

“Then I thought about the fact that I’d killed my father. I’d been on my own since I could remember, years before my Ma died really, and suddenly I was a part of something again - we were almost like a family even in those early days of ridin’ together - and I didn’t want to have to leave, but I was scared that Sam would find out and lock me up if he did. Silly if you think about it now. Emma would have skinned him alive if he’d tried to take me in.”

Pulling at the threads of the quilt, Kid remembered their early years with the Express and smiled sentimentally. Glancing up at Lou’s figure by the window, he could see her shoulders shaking.

“Sweetheart, please don’t cry. I didn’t tell you all that to upset you. Come here.”

Drawing her fingertips away from her mouth where she had absently pressed them, she swiped at her eyes. Lou walked to stand in front of Kid’s chair. “How could it not upset me, Kid? I knew your childhood was nothing to brag about, but I never imagined it was as terrible as this.” The tears started flowing freely again.

Kid pulled the blanket aside and invited her to sit on his lap.

“No, Kid. I’ll hurt you.”

Enveloping her in a hug while covering them both, he whispered into her neck as she snuggled close, “Having you near me could never hurt me.”

“I think it troubles me most knowing that you were so alone. At least when it was at the worst for me, I still had people who loved me - Flynn, the rest of the Malones, Pauline, Arnie… I can see now why she meant so much to you.” It was difficult to begrudge him his time with Doritha when it had been everything to him then.

“I’m not alone, I have you.”

“Now, but we took so long to find each other. You had no one for so long and here I was ready to tear our family apart so heartlessly. Can you forgive me?”

Kid laughed heartily.

“What’s so funny? I’m serious.” Lou was hurt by his reaction.

“It’s strange how this all started with me wanting your forgiveness for lying and now here you are begging for mine.”

Lou sighed and shook her head. “Again, I have to ask - why do we do this to each other?”

“Maybe it’s part of growing old with each other, Lou. You gotta weather the bumps along the way if you’re gonna make it through.”

“We’ve certainly had our share of bumps.” Lou rested her head on Kid’s shoulder and traced her fingers along the exposed side of his neck.

“But there’s been good too. We have to remember there’s more of that than bad. Much more.” His voice was insistent, her melancholy unsettling to him.

“I know. You’re right. We have the girls and the ranch, our family, our friends. There’s a lot of good here.”

He gently kissed her forehead. “Don’t forget, we have each other. And you know, we have a lot to offer.”

She knew he was talking about more than to each other. She knew he was implying Jackson. “I told you I’d help you. I know he’s staying here,” she said in a faint voice.

“But that’s the thing. I want him to do more than stay here. I want him to be a part of us - a part of our family.”

Kid rocked the chair gently, giving Lou a chance to let the idea settle. “I see so much of myself in him, but I also see so much more. He’s just eleven, but he’s smart as a whip. He loves the horses. And when he takes the time to talk, you can tell he has ideas and even some dreams.”

“Kid, you don’t have to convince me he’s a nice boy. I can see that just by the way he treats Mary Emma and Sarah.” The fact that she also liked him made the whole thing so much more difficult.

“I just don’t want him to get lost, Lou.”

She could hear the desperation in his voice. “How can he get lost? He’s right here?”

“You don’t see it, but I do. If we don’t become his true family, he’ll end up on the same path that I was. In the end it worked out for me, but I was lucky. I found you and the boys, but there was a long time when I felt like nothing and was nothing.”

Lou remained silent. The idea was not without merit, but she needed time to think about it. She shifted in his lap and redirected the conversation. “She got pregnant from that one time? Hard to believe it didn’t happen to us.” She thought back on all the times she and Kid had taken chances when they were younger.

“Had I known about what happened to Doritha, I never would have put us in that position.”

“Kid, had you known about Doritha, there never would have been an us. You’re too honorable for that.”

“Lou!”

“Don’t Lou me, Kid. It’s true. You would have stayed in Virginia or gone back if you’d known.”

Knowing she spoke the truth, he nodded his head in confirmation. From the moment he left Virginia, he tried to become a respectable man, one who always did the right thing. He shouldn’t have felt such relief that in the case of Doritha he hadn’t known enough to do the right thing, but he was thankful for his ignorance every day. It had given him a chance for a life with Lou, a chance for them to have their family.

“Would you have left with her if she’d been honest with you when she first came to Rock Creek?” It was a question that had been nagging at Lou for days. She knew their own relationship had been questionable then, but she’d always had faith they would end up back together.

He pressed his lips together and thought before answering. “I can’t really say. I’d like to say no - that I would have stayed in Rock Creek with you and Teaspoon and the boys, but he’s my son, Lou. I would have thought long and hard about leaving with her to find him.”

Kid watched a sadness cloud his wife’s eyes. “I knew I didn’t love her anymore, if that makes it any better.”

“It does,” Lou answered with a small smile.

They sat in silence for several minutes before Lou disentangled herself from Kid’s lap. Stepping back over to the window she leaned against the frame and peered out over their sleeping land. “Can you tell me anything about it? I mean, if she died, how did you know? Where was Jackson all this time?” She desperately wanted to understand.

“Do you want to see the letter she left me?”

“A letter? I saw that note she left in the bunkhouse - it said nothing.”

“She wrote another one that day, left it in my bunk. I found it too late.”

Lou was stunned. “You kept it?” she asked.

Kid wasn’t sure if Lou was shocked or mad or neither by her tone. He’d kept both of the notes Doritha had left on her final day. “It’s in the back of the frame of the picture of me and Jed,” he offered in a hushed voice.

Lou quickly glanced over to the ancient picture on their bureau.

“Please understand, Lou. I put it there that day and I’ve never had another place for it.” The guilt he felt over hiding Jackson from her flooded back in.

Lou walked slowly to the bureau, not sure if she wanted to pick up the silver frame that was one of Kid’s only reminders of his family. How many years had she been dusting that very picture, never aware of the secrets that lay beneath the photo of the smiling boys?

She picked it up and held it gingerly, as if she was afraid that just touching it would scorch her hands. Passing the frame to Kid, she turned again to the comfort of the window. She didn’t dare watch him unearth the secrets that lie within.

“Do you want me to read it?”

Lou could only nod, not trusting her voice to reply.

“Dearest Kid,

I know this may seem cowardly of me, but I never felt the time was right to tell you. I had hoped that we would be leaving Rock Creek together to start a new life. If we had, then what I have to tell you would not be so hard. But I know now, that it will never be the same for us again. You have a good life here. You’ve good friends, a good job, and even the love of a good woman. Remember always, that you are truly lucky.

There is something that I didn’t tell you about what happened after you left. Nine months after you headed west, I gave birth to our son. Jackson Davis Simmons was a beautiful baby and the light of my life. He was to be my link to you until we could be together again.

The scandal surrounding my pregnancy and Jackson’s birth was too much for my family to bear. However, no matter how often they tried to send me away, I prevailed. I knew if I moved away you would never find me.

Not long after Jackson’s birth, Papa died. What we didn’t know until after his funeral was that he had made some unwise investments and dealt with some unseemly men. And like you, we found ourselves with debts to pay. We lost everything. Garth was there for me, as he had been since you left, and finally after many requests for my hand, I relented. I knew by then that you were not going to send for me and with Mama going to live with her sister, there was nothing left for me in Cobbs Creek, but him. I needed what would be best for our son.

Once I accepted Garth’s proposal, he changed. He still swore he loved me and wanted to build a grand life for us, but he was no longer willing to raise another man’s child. I had no choice, Kid. I could not raise him alone. At mother’s insistence, I gave him to Agatha and Martin to raise in Charleston. They were childless still and although they would have raised him as their own, they promised to raise him, as he was - their nephew, so he would never forget I was his Mama.

Things were difficult for Garth and I from the first. Raised as we were, working for a living was something we were unaccustomed to. I think this was why Garth turned to such devious ways. He felt the need to provide me with magnificent things to help me forget the pain of being without my baby.

I had hoped that by finding you again, we could go to Charleston and raise Jackson as a family. He is now four years old and I long to see him grow up to be a man just like you’ve become.

I can see now, that my coming here was not a wise choice. Please forgive me for not telling you this in person. I didn’t want to cause any more trouble for you and your friends. I will raise our son well and love him as I loved you, with my heart. Jackson will know that his daddy was a good man and I will never speak ill of you.

With no regrets and all my love,
Doritha”

Hearing Doritha’s words troubled Lou. It was obvious that at the time she wrote her letter, she was still in love with Kid and she had been willing to sacrifice that for his happiness. Yet at the same time, she loved their son and was hopeful of being reunited with him. Kid may have gained a son that fateful day, but Jackson lost a mother who loved him dearly.

“I’m surprised you didn’t leave for Charleston straight off, Kid.” His decision to stay in Rock Creek was almost perplexing to her.

“I thought about it,” he answered honestly. “But I had no idea where in Charleston to look and I couldn’t remember their family name. I had nothing to start with. Besides, the war was starting and I knew if I went back home, or to South Carolina, I’d never see Rock Creek again.”

“I sent inquiries to Cobbs Creek and then once I had their name, to Charleston,” Kid continued. “But by the time I got word as to where Martin Beauchamp and Agatha lived, they had moved on. I tried on and off over the years hoping that they had returned to Charleston or even the cities near by. There was no word back and I didn’t know where Doritha’s mother had moved to. Then finally, it seemed too late to look anymore. Jackson was getting older and I figured they had heard about Doritha’s death and were raising him as their own. Who was I to change that for him?”

“You should have told me. I would have helped you look.”

“Would you have? Think about it, Lou. Things were already strange between us. I was mostly afraid that I would push you away more.”

Lou knew there was truth in his words. She was having problems with the idea of raising Doritha’s child now, when she was more secure in her life than seven years earlier, but back then - would she have been woman enough to help him find and raise his son? “I’d like to think I would have, no matter what or wasn’t between us. You still meant everything to me.” Her last words were barely loud enough to be heard.

“And you to me,” Kid replied speaking from his heart.

The young couple remained still, no words between them. Lou could hear Kid returning the letter to the picture frame.

“Do you think you should let him see it? You know, see that she was trying to get back to him, I mean?”

Kid was touched that she was thinking so kindly about Jackson. “I’ve thought of it. He probably would like to have it.” Turning over the frame and looking into the face of his grinning brother, he smiled at the memory of Doritha. “We talked about her some.”

“You did?” Lou was genuinely surprised that Kid and Jackson had become so open with each other in the short period of time before Kid’s accident. “What about?”

Kid eyed his wife curiously. Her tone sounded clipped and her posture appeared defensive. “Is something the matter, Lou? Besides the obvious.”

Lou shrugged her shoulders and returned to her chair. Sitting down, she allowed Kid to recover her with the quilt. “I think for a moment it hit me how easily he’s already fit in here, how much you two have already begun to heal what the years apart have done.”

“Lou, we’re a long way from being at ease with each other, but I will admit that I do like talking with him. I hope one day he’ll trust me to tell me more, but for now, I’ll take what he gives.”

Lou reached across the joined chairs and took Kid’s hand in hers. She squeezed tightly and spoke softly. “I know, and I will never deny you that.”

Kid turned his hand so their palms met and meshed his fingers with hers. He could already see the acceptance in her eyes. “Thank you.” His voice was only a hair above a whisper.

“Has he told you any about his childhood?” She was curious to know what he had been through, if his life had been as hard as theirs had been. Did he know any suffering behind his kind blue eyes?

“Some, and I know a bit more from the woman who brought him here.”

"Who was she? I never even heard her name before..."

"I know. We don't need to talk about that night again.” The pain Jackson’s arrival had brought Lou would haunt him for a long time. “Her name's Esther Crane and she was Jackson's guardian for over five years."

"Five years! That's almost half his life with that wretched looking woman. Poor boy." Lou shook her head sadly.

"She wasn't always so sour from what Jackson says. He told me that she was never cruel to him, just distant. Then, in the past year she just decided she was no longer willing to care for him. They traveled for almost a year looking for me."

"How did he end up with her?"

"Jackson says he remembers living with Agatha and Martin."

Lou listened closely as Kid shared what he knew about Jackson's young life.

Taken as an infant to live in the care of his aunt and uncle, Jackson was loved and cared for in their fine Charleston home. Childless, they doted on their nephew. As promised, they often told him of his mother, but he had been told very little of his father. Agatha was still a sensitive southern woman and the unseemly circumstances surrounding Jackson's birth were best left unspoken of.

As far as Kid could tell, Jackson had always believed him dead. When Esther Crane decided to begin her search for him, she shocked the child with the details of his mother and father's indiscretion and his scandalous birth. Jackson’s resentment grew from the idea that his father knew of him and didn't want him.

Martin Beauchamp was called to duty late in 1860. Leaving Charleston just days before South Carolina seceded, Agatha took Jackson to Richmond to stay with her mother and aunt. Still traumatized by the scandal in Cobbs Creek when Jackson was born, Martha Simmons refused to let Agatha and her grandson live with her. Instead, she paid for a small cottage on the outskirts of town and refused to acknowledge their existence.

Agatha did her best to eek a meager living out of the land but with her husband gone and few skills of her own, times were tough for her and Jackson.

The laborious hours and harsh weather weakened Agatha and when she fell ill in the winter of '62 she became concerned for Jackson's well being if anything ever happened to her and Martin. There had been no word from Doritha in years and she feared her sister would never return for her son. Knowing that her own mother would refuse to take the boy in, even if he was orphaned, Agatha had a Last Will and Testament drawn up once she was well enough.

Naming her husband's cousin, his only living relative, as the young boy's guardian, she stipulated that in the event of the death of both her and Martin that Jackson was to be returned to his father. Agatha had no idea where to find Kid, but figured it was a moot point anyway. She was feeling well at the time the Will was written, and just knowing arrangements were made eased her mind.

With the death of Captain Martin Beauchamp in July 1863 at Gettysburg, Agatha's plans for their long life together were destroyed. Shattered along with her dreams and hopes for the future, was her spirit. Not long after her husband, Agatha Simmons Beauchamp was laid to rest.

Agatha's assumptions were correct and her mother would have nothing to do with her six-year-old grandson. He was promptly placed in an orphanage until his guardian could arrive from Charleston.

"Jackson told you all this?" Lou asked when Kid paused. Her feet pulled up on the chair and her knees tucked to her chest, she rested her head on them.

"Some of it. I think he remembers more of what Ms. Crane told him and less of the actual happenings. Ms. Crane was able to tell me most of that. I had to pay her money, Lou." Kid hung his head in shame. He knew how weak it sounded.

"Is she gone for good now?" The woman’s tactics didn’t surprise Lou. No one traveled thousands of miles with a small child, without a price, when there was no love involved. She would not question Kid's methods to be rid of her.

"Yeah, I made her sign papers."

"Good."

Kid lifted his head and looked over at Lou hopefully. He could see a hint of her renowned determination glinting in her eyes. Maybe she would be willing to let Jackson into their family and share with him the warmth, wisdom and love she offered their other children.

“It’ll be morning soon,” Lou observed. “We should get you back in bed.”

Kid nodded his head, but before he could sleep again, he wanted a resolution. He needed to know that they were okay, that Lou would be there when he woke up in the morning, when he woke up every morning. “Where do we go from here?” he asked simply.

Lou bit her lip, sighing deeply as she concentrated on her answer. It had been an exhausting night. One filled with many emotions and even more tears, but she honestly felt better than she had in days. What Kid had shared with her, secrets he had long ago buried, made her understand what made him the kind, loving, devoted man he was. By all rights, no one person should have been able to overcome such tragic beginnings and become such a fine person, but Kid had. And she knew, that if he needed her to help raise Jackson so that he had the same chances, then she would do it.

“We go forward, Kid.” This time there were no tears to choke her words. Her voice was strong, her meaning clear. “The first time I looked into your eyes, I knew I’d do anything for you. This is no exception. It will take time, but to be honest, I doubt very long since he’s already starting to grow on me, but I’ll raise him like he’s my own."

"You're sure, Lou. I don't want any regrets later on." He held her left hand again and without realizing it, he was playing with her ring.

Looking down at their joined hands, Lou knew she would regret it if she didn't make the effort. She couldn't stand the thought of losing Kid or destroying the family they had worked so hard for. "I'm sure."

Not surprisingly, they leaned towards each other at the same time. Letting their lips meet in a long, tender kiss, neither was surprised by the passion they felt growing. Throughout the run of emotions during the night, the one they knew they could never deny was their passion for one another - it was what made their marriage work.

"For a wounded man, you certainly aren't showing it now," Lou said breathlessly when they finally separated.

"It was my hip, Lou. Not my heart."

The truth of the words tore through her. In the end it was that simple. Her pride had been hurt, and maybe for a while her spirit, but never her heart. She would love the man beside her forever and that was all that mattered. They had proven once again that there were no secrets that could destroy their love.

After she settled Kid back into their bed, Lou climbed under the covers beside him. The room would still be dark for a few more hours before the sun rose over them. Lou snuggled closer and playfully kissed his neck. “Have I told you lately how much I love you?” She knew it had been left unsaid for too long.

“By God, Mrs. McCloud. I don’t think you have.” The familiar game brought a smile to Kid’s face.

“Well, Mr. McCloud. I love you.” Saying the words felt so right to Lou.

Kid pulled his wife closer, a relieved tear escaping from his blue eyes. “Have I told you lately how much I love you?” he asked, his voice husky with emotion.

“By God, Mr. McCloud. I don’t think you have.” Lou sensed his tears and struggled to contain her own. She’d cried enough.

“Well, Mrs. McCloud. I love you.” And he did. Forever.

They slept soundly during the remaining hours of the night, until the baby started crying at dawn. Lou went to the hungry child and brought her back to the bed. On this morning, Kid slept soundly as Maddy ate, but it wasn’t long afterwards that they both heard the pitter-patter of little feet in the hallway.

Lou smiled at the image in the doorway. Three sleepy-eyed children looked at the bed hungrily and with one nod from their mother the girls rushed to climb between their parents.

“Careful girls, Daddy’s still a little sore,” groaned Kid as they scrambled right over him. It was a pain well worth it, he thought.

Jackson stood watching the family reunion from just inside the doorway and Lou could see he wasn’t sure whether he belonged there. Kid opened his mouth to speak, but Lou placed her hand on his arm to silence him. The invitation would have to be from her.

“There’s room up here for you too, Jackson.”

The boy raised his blue eyes to hers and he pursed his lips in a way she knew all to well.

“I bet the girls would make some room for you at the end if you wanted.” And Lou knew it was just as she would make room in her life for him.

Jackson hesitated, but found he couldn’t resist and as he scrambled up to sit by his new sisters he started a tickle fight that filled the house with childish laughter.

None of the children saw it, but a look passed between the two adults. It was a peaceful look punctuated by tender smiles that spoke volumes. This was what families were all about. And this would be the kind of moment they would cherish forever.



Epilogue