2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil. 3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one. 4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society, and run an applications system that everyone is very familiar with. 5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. 6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish. 7. Radiation causes interesting mutations--not to your future children, but to you - right then and there - or, over a period of time until you finally go crazy and kill people. 8. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission, or anything else, at the age of 22. 9. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement. 10. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, all of which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape. 11. During all police investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once. 12. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her. 13. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread and one bunch of carrots complete with leafy tops. 14. It's easy to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. 15. Once applied, makeup never rubs off - even while scuba diving or after fighting alien monsters. But only if you are beautiful. If you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. 3. Use CB lingo where applicable. 4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. 5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation." 6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder. 7. Tell them to put the crust on top this time. 8. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out. 9. Change your accent every three seconds. 10. Ask what the order taker is wearing. 11. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper. 12. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief. 13. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred." 14. Imitate the order taker's voice. 15. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed. 16. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting." 17. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it. 18. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell hissupervisor he's fired. 19. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a littlemore OOMPH this time." 20. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
2. Do you mind, officer, I'm missing Wheel-of-Fortune. 3. If you'd be willing to look the other way this one time, officer, I'd make it worth your while...say, a rent one get one free coupon for Skippy's Video Galore? 4. I was just making sure that your radar gun was working properly. 88 MPH, you say? Yep, it's in perfect condition. 5. I'm sorry, officer, but I'm rushing my wife to the hospital. Where's my wife? I knew I forgot something! 6. I'm rushing home to answer the telephone. 7. I just took a laxative. Now either let me go or watch me go, your choice. 8. I'm employed by O.J. Simpson and I'm in hot pursuit of the real killer. 9. Don't talk to me, officer, talk to K.I.T. 10. The devil made me do it.
"Desperation" - A Rope Ends It "The Morse Code" - Here Come Dots "Slot Machines" - Cash Lost in 'em "Animosity" - Is No Amity "Mother-in-law" - Woman Hitler "Snooze Alarms" - Alas! No More Z's "Alec Guinness" - Genuine Class "Semolina" - Is No Meal "The Public Art Galleries" - Large Picture Halls, I Bet "A Decimal Point" - I'm a Dot in Place "The Earthquakes" - That Queer Shake
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