A father is talking to his son when suddenly he asks something that has been bothering him for a long time; 'Son, are you gay?'
His son doesn't answer him. Worried and hurt, his father says, 'Son, why won't you answer me?'
His son replies - 'Because I can't give you a straight answer.'
Two Welsh sheep farmers are flying in a plane with two of their sheep when the plane begins to crash. There are only two parachutes so each farmer grabs a parachute and straps it on, preparing to leap from the doomed plane. One farmer pauses and says to the other farmer, 'What about the sheep?'
The other farmer replies; 'Fuck the sheep.'
'Do you think we have time?'
An Irish man walked into a bank and pointed a gun at the cashier while shouting 'Hand over all your money!' The cashier looked up and asked him if he was Irish. 'Yes,' Replied the bemused Irish man. 'How did you know?' 'Because you've sawn off the wrong end of your shotgun.' She answered.
A man walked into a brothel and asked to have sex with a beautiful woman for five pounds. 'I'm sorry,' said the madam, 'But the only thing you can afford for that price is a chicken.' So the man paid to have sex with a chicken and then walked home.
On his way home it occured to him that he could have bought the same chicken in a supermarket for half the price. Outraged at being ripped off, he rushed back to the brothel and demanded a refund. The madam confessed that she had ripped him off, but by way of compensation she offered to let him watch an orgy through a special one way mirror. The man agreed and went into a room with lots of other guys and watched through the mirror an amazing orgy. He was so impressed he turned to the guy next to him and said, 'Wow, this is amazing!
'You should have been here earlier,' said the guy. 'There was a man fucking a chicken.'
Today a company has sacked over 500 employees. A spokesperson for the company said; 'Does anyone need a good spokesperson?'
What does a politician say if he can't lie?
Nothing.
Behold! The definitive guide to the most stupid questions IN THE WORLD!
1) Are you awake?
2) Are you OK?
3) Do you speak english?
4) Is this the queue?
5) Is anybody home?
6) Do you mind if I poke a sausage into your ear and then insert an ant's nest down your pants?
7) Have you heard the joke about the chicken crossing the road?
8) Is this safe?
9) Isn't that illegal?
10) Why do people hit me on the head when I ask questions?
The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. ''I'm sorry,'' says the pharmacist, ''we don't have any.''
''But I always get it here,'' says the blonde.
''Do you have the container it comes in?''
''Yes!'' says the blonde, ''I will go and get it.''
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, ''This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.''
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: ''To apply, push up bottom.''
The Perfect Dump -- Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump -- Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. it could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.
The Chili Dump - Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.
The Cable Dump -- Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, ''DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?'' you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.
The Latrine Dump -- In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump. Tip: Don't ever, ever look in the hole.
The Mona Lisa Dump -- This is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too far.
The Empty Roll Dump - You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say ''Where are the curtains?'' Then what would you say? The rug?...too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every ''empty roll dumper'' must face...Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.
The Splash-Back Dump - You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed. Tip: Blot instead of wiping. The Aborted Dump - You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do.
The Alfresco Dump -- Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambiance that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop of Brownies or a patch of poison ivy.
The Childbirth Dump -- This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better. You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming ''Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf.'' You realize you'll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only three things you can do: Scream, call an Obstetrician, or just hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through it.
Once there was a liitle boy in church. He had to go to the bathroom so he told his mother, ''Mommy, I have to piss.''
The mother said, ''Son don't say piss in church. Next time you have to piss, say, 'whisper' because it is more polite.
The next Sunday, the litle boy was sitting by his father this time, and once again, he had to go to the bathroom.
He told his father, ''Daddy I have to whisper.''
The father said, ''OK. Here, whisper in my ear.''
One day a medical professor and his class were standing over a corpse and the professor said, ''There are two things to being a medical forensicist. First: Don't fear anything.'' After saying that, the professor shoved his middle finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. He then told the class to do the same. After hesitating, they all did it. ''Next,'' the professor said, ''you have to have a key observation finger. Thus, I licked my index finger.''
Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, ''He is such a sweet and gentle man but I don't think he can live with my problems.'' So she decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans.
A year later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country, she called her husband and told him she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she could walk off any ill effect by the time she reached home. So she stopped at the diner, and before she knew it she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted.
Upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her, exclaming delightedly, ''Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.'' He then blindfolded her then led her to a chair at the table. Just as he was about to remove the blindfold the phone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold till he came back. Then he went to answer the phone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted the weight to one leg, and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelt like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk coming froma pulp mill. She took a napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking. Keeping her ears turned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signed the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with the napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contently to herself, she was the picture of innocence when her husband returned. Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removes the blindfold to reveal twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a first Happy Anniversary!
If your not a hemeroid, GET OFF MY ASS!
Out of my mind, back in 5 minutes.
I'm a native, to make your trip more enjoyable, stay the hell outta my way!
Don't piss me off, I'm runing out of places to hide the bodies.
Why is it called tourist season if you can't shoot them?
Militant Agnostic--I Don't know and You Don't Either!
When guns are outlawed, only outlaw's kids will accidentally shoot themselves.
The Media are only as Liberal as the Multinational Corporations that OWN THEM!
When the rapture comes, we'll have the earth to ourselves! (with pentacle symbol)
Support your local police--Beat yourself up!
Mommy, what were trees like?
Of course you can trust the government, Just ask an Indian!
My pothead just smoked your Honor Student!
Compassionate Conservatism 101: Step OVER the homeless, not on them!
DARE--to go to class tripping!
DARE--to think for yourself! (It isn't illegal yet!)
DARE--Drugs Are Really Expensive!
I'd rather be Smashing Imperialism.
In my spare time, I sell crack for the CIA.
Subvert the Dominant Paradigm.
Bad Cop, No Donut!
If pro is the opposite of con, then "congress" must be the opposite of "progress".
