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August 2001
August 30, 2001
I'm not in St. Louis anymore. I went away for school with my boyfriend. I got a single dorm room and my own bath room...on the third floor. (which is like the fourth) Chad got a room but he is never there. We got meal plans to eat in the dining hall, which is in his building next door. None of this is really important...I still don't know if I should be here....since I came here just for him. We aren't really getting along....so if something happens between us I don't know what I am supposed to do. There are too many other girls here and I am jealous and paranoid....I don't want to come here for someone who just leaves me for someone else....
August 9, 2001
Hello again. I haven't written in a long time. I don't get online a lot. Well....I was getting online everyday at work.. I was 'assisting' the computer teacher while the kids played games. So there was nothing to do. I always have to entertain myself somehow. Then, she told me I could connect to the net there and that took care of me for two weeks. But, I spent the entire time studying my family trees and finding people who are distantly related. I have always been into genealogy.
I have been spending alot of time with my boyfriend Chad. Like everyday, since he got home. People keep writing to me about long distance relationships but it isn't like that anymore. Whereever my webpage is listed, (WHERE?) it must say what I originally put..I noticed I seem to get only aol visitors. So it's somewhere there.
I AM VERY STRESSED OUT ABOUT SCHOOL. going away to college... surviving..leaving home... leaving my mom... (even though she is mean I feel guilty)..having money... paying for it...ugh...We never did find an apartment and I don't like my dorm room. For one, it is expensive, since it's a single and it doesn't have air conditioning on the top floor. It is really hot and humid here in Missouri. Hard to explain if you haven't been here. People think only the South gets bad.. it is awful here...I just am not getting my money's worth and I wanted an apt. with Chad. We haven't done anything as far as preparing, he never talks about it, so I am stressing.
My work... it's basically over. A little early though because they didn't schedule me tomorrow or all next week! oh except four hours one morning. It's really annoying. I needed the money and now I don't have a job. Don't know where I am working at school.
A lot to say about the 'home life' with my mom. She was in the hospital to sober up, detox whatever for a week. Then she came home and started drinking again. She got a DWI, her first and three other tickets along with that one so she is in some trouble. She does some crazy things... I hate being around it. I never know what's going to happen from day to day. I never know what her mood will be like and how she will treat me..
This week she yelled at me and told me, "you make me want to kill myself! because of you i'm going to kill myself! you have been nothing but a hindrince my whole life!" (she had me at 17, after the divorce raised me) So I felt like a piece of SH** and I had to act like I was okay and walk away and cry. I always get put down and I cant do anything right. She also goes on these drinking binges and makes a huge mess, lets everything go and then expects me to clean the filth up. Sorry to complain. Stressed out. You all out there take care.
Carmen
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