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"I know I can't be with you, I do what I have to do..."
~Sarah Mclachlan

I talked to Chad again this morning. He asked if I had sent him the prices on visiting him yet. I spent yesterday in the computer lab printing up the price of flying there and the different places to stay and the car rental place. He said he would pay for me to come see him. He keeps talking about me coming there. I think it gives him something to look forward to. I don't want to get my hopes up, but that would be awesome. I planned it out for like, May 19th-21st. It would have to be Saturday to Monday b/c he has class Friday night. He would still have curfew at that point but it doesn't matter. We would get to have a regular weekend together, like we do here and alone.

March 27, 2001 Tuesday

This page is not in order by the way, I just added what I did while visiting Chad in the middle of the page. He called this morning. We talked forever. He calls from pay phones with calling cards. He's on a weird class schedule there. He goes from like 3pm-1:30 am. So, the only time he can call me is like 8 in the morning, which means he doesn't get much sleep. but, it was sweet that he got up early to call me. I was depressed tonight missing him. I just wanted him there with me, holding me. It just feels like he's going to be gone forever. I know it's not but it is a long time. Talking to him now, kind of makes it better. We also talked last Thursday again. I went to my grandparents over the weekend. so we didn't talk then. and when he did call i wasn't back yet.

March 21, 2001

Well I'm back from my trip seeing my boyfriend. I got back Monday. There's just been so much to write that I've been putting it off. I just talked to him tonight. It was a NORMAL phone call, not just five minutes. He can actually call now like, after five. I have his address now, so I can write him again and send the pics from last weekend. I had some of them developed already. Anyway, he wants me to come to the base he's on now to visit in another six weeks or so. He said he would pay and everything but it's going to cost so much. So I guess I will gradually write in here about our little visit...

I got up and kept thinking, I can't believe later today I'm going to be with Chad. I was nervous about flying...My mom took me to the airport and came in with me. Anyway, I got there at 5 and that's when Chad's visit started so I was like, hurry hurry. But didn't say that. Anyway, then we couldn't find him on the base. Finally we did. I gave him a quick hug. First of all, he looked really different with his really short hair. He had just had it buzzed the day before. I found out that they weren't allowed to show any signs of affection. You could give them a 'hello' and 'goodbye' hug and that's all. Wow. I think he was kinda nervous. I know I felt kinda shy. Plus, his dad and step mom were there... that's a whole other story...

We drove around on the base a little and Chad reached over for my hand..we held hands and it was nice. The whole weekend I would kinda just rub on his hand really soft. Well, anyway, he liked it. I know I like it. We had a quick minute or two to talk alone and I started crying..geesh. I was talking about how he's going to come back and then leave for school. We gave each other a hug. He thought it sucked that he couldn't kiss me. So did I. It was such a tease, the whole weekend.

After we left him I was sad of course. I was sad everytime we had to say goodbye. His parents and I went to downtown San Antonio. They had already been there. I saw the riverwalk. It was really awesome. I'll have to find a link to post in here so you all can see it. It was really romantic, with the music playing, and the lighting, couples sat everywhere together. There's all these restauraunts outside and you can sit right by the water. We ate at a Mexican place.

March 16, 2001 Friday, Graduation Day

It was a cold morning as we sat on the bleachers waiting for our "Airman." The grass there was green and freshly cut, totally opposite from back home. There was a big parade grounds area with flags and huge airplanes all around displayed. Gradually, all the different graduation groups, or flights as the call them, started marching over from their dorms. They all got into position out in the field. We knew which one was Chad's but we couldn't see him from that far away. Anyway, it was really neat to see all the different moves they had to make. The guys (and girls too) had to march by and Chad's group was the last. He looked so cute in his uniform. He had a navy jacket on with his two stripes and his hat. (he had the hat on the day before too just not the jacket over his shirt.) More later..

Well, then we walked to his dorm and saw where he has been staying for the last six weeks. Their beds have these tiny pillows and little matresses. In his locker, everything had to be arranged perfectly. We even saw the bathrooms where they all had to shower together. Yuck. Later, we ate at a club there on base. Chad and I got the same thing, coincidently. Then, we went to the base bowling alley. There was such a long wait to bowl that his parents said they would go back to the motel for an hour and come back. (apparantly, they considered this to be our "alone time" together. Oh please...) Just as we finished bowling, and were about to duck out of there, they were walking in, damn it. I wanted to be alone with him some more. Not that we could do anything. The only thing I did was rub on his leg under the table. Oh, we also went to the movie theater on base to see 'snatch,' which was the worst movie any of us had seen. But get this, we got stuck sitting right in front of his dad and step mom. GOD! So, that was a bummer. Chad fell asleep and I actually did too for a second. I stayed awake so I could rub on his leg some more. He said it was nice since he was awake parts of the time. We also went to the mall on base at some point.

Later that day, we dropped him off because he had decided to go a basketball game so he could get more time to visit with us. He had to ride with the Air Force though. So, we went to the Alamodome and saw a NBA game. (the san antonio spurs) I don't like basketball but I just wanted to be with him. Right when we got there, his Dad said to go on and sit down while they went to the bathroom. I was like, okay Chad, you are coming with me. We went off to this place where the elevators were, and there wasn't a lot of people there. Well, there was a little nook, kind of in the dark b/c a light bulb was out. So we stood there by these big glass windows around us and you could see downtown San Antonio. There, we finally had our first kiss. {smile} We just kind of looked at each other and held hands and then kissed. WOW! what a kiss. After not seeing him for so long it was great. It was quite a tease though. I mean, we had to go back to the game... and the parents...grrr. Plus, he wasn't supposed to be doing that based on military rules.

March 17, 2001 Saturday

On Saturday morning I got pissy with the wicked step mother. I was up and ready to go before them and she told me I couldn't go with his Dad to pick him up because they needed alone time. Fine, but I didn't want HER telling me what to do and I didn't want to be stuck with HER for an hour in the tiny motel room. Once his Dad was gone, she said, "you and Chad had alone time." And I was thinking 'WHAT?!' So, I said back to her, 'well it doesn't feel like it to us.' Her response was something lame. I mean, Chad and I had both hoped that on his Saturday off base that we could have some alone time. We wrote each other about it and talked about it on the phone briefly. So I left the motel room. I walked to the pay phone and called some people back home to vent. Then, I sat in the motel lobby. Chad finally walked in and hugged me. We talked for a few minutes. He knew I was upset because I wanted so bad to be with him that day.

Well, his Dad and step mom had other plans. >:| They wanted to do the whole site seeing thing. We went downtown, and saw the Alamo. It was pretty boring. Not much there. We walked the riverwalk, so Chad could see it. We also took a boat ride on the river.

Before the boat ride.. hee hee. I was like, Chad, tell them we're going up in the Hyatt to ride their glass elevator real quick. We only had like twenty minutes. So we went up to the top floor. I was looking for the stairwell, but instead, there was another little nook, and we went around that corner and stood there and kissed again. It really drove me crazy. So for awhile we um fooled around. Hee hee. Then we had to run back.

Then we walked thru the mall and decided that Chad and I would walk to the Tower of Americas while they got the car out of the parking garage. (the line was really long) So we went there and by then, seeing that we were not going to get to be alone, I was pretty pissy. We rode up in a glass elevator about 750 feet to this lookout deck thing. You can even go outside. We did that, it was freezing that day in San Antonio, so way up there it was worse. Inside the tower, it felt funny like it was swaying.

At this point, Chad realized he wanted more time possible to visit and be out. So, he decided he wanted to go to the hockey game the military guys were going to that night. The step mom wasn't too happy in my opinion. She was like, you can just drop me off at the motel room. So, then his Dad was like, no we'll just drop Carmen off. So, just Chad and I went. We met up there. It was a minor league game. I didn't pay much attention. I paid more attention to him. By then, it was getting close to our last day, and I was getting sad.

March 18, 2001 Sunday

It was a rainy day. We picked Chad up and wandered around the base. The bowling alley was packed. We went to a game room and played air hockey. Chad played some games and I played some of our songs on a jukebox. We had a really nice brunch at a banquet hall. Chad had already decided he didn't want to go to church, that he wanted to spend that hour visiting. (especially since he found out his training instructor was making him go back hours earlier than we thought.) Well, this made his step-mom really mad. Did I mention how religious she is? Oh my gosh. That's a long story. When she started preaching, then I started losing my patience. I can't handle being lectured about that stuff. So she was like, well I'm going anyway. I don't know if that was her way of being manipulative, to get us to go but it only worked on his Dad. (who does whatever she says) So they dropped us off at the mini-mall. There, Chad bought a few things. And he bought me a t-shirt that says, 'my boyfriend is in the airforce' with his picture on the front. No, I'm not going to be wearing it. I think it's kind of silly but it was neat. We didn't have a lot of time left. We decided to go see a movie again, Valentine. Chad hadn't seen it yet. Well, it was really crowded there and we didn't have to sit with 'the folks.' We sat in the very back corner. After five minutes, we saw them get up and leave. His step-mom thought it was 'too violent.' geeshh. we stayed there anyway. During the movie we snuck lots of kisses by the way and whatever. It was out last hour together. I told him, towards the end of the movie, that this would be our goodbye kiss. So we kissed, and I told him how much I loved him and missed him, and that I wouldn't forget about him.

After that, we had to drop Chad off near his dorm. I was crying quietly. He was crying too. He hugged them and then he hugged me, we said our 'love you's.' He also leaned in for a kiss, which he wasn't supposed to do, and kissed me on the cheek. He looked so sad. Well, it was hard. I mean, goodbyes are never easy. Knowing that we wouldn't see each other for weeks again was depressing. I watched him walk off and just cried so myself since I wasn't alone.

We went back to the motel room and I cried some more. Then we went to Ripley's Believe it or not museum and a wax museum. We ate dinner.

March 14, 2001 Wednesday

The strangest thing happened tonight. I sat down for a moment and was saying to myself, "i wish chad would call.." and then bam, the phone rang and it was him! I told him that too. I mean, that just doesn't happen all the time. But anyway, he's excited and I told him how nervous I am about flying. I also told him how everyone is saying so many negative things to me and making me paranoid and he said not to listen to them. I was just glad to talk to him. Oh, he said that they said we could "get a room." hee hee. that there are buses and we can ditch his parents and tell them we are going for a ride or something...I leave tomorrow morning. So, I won't write for the weekend because I'll be with him. :~) I'm going to try and sleep. The sooner I go to bed the sooner it will be to see him.

March 13, 2001 Tuesday

Hello again. I quit doing my journal after some really rude comments in my guestbook. I mean, they really hurt my feelings. Because, here I am opening up and then I get told how I'm this-n-that. They were obviously written by men and people who haven't been in love. (as someone who emailed me put it.) So, I was surprised at the people who wrote me and signed my guestbook saying to keep writing. I didn't think I had been doing a very good job of keeping up in here. Not that I'm soooo busy or anything. But, I did do a lot more last week with my friends.

I'm going to see Chad, my boyfriend of 14 months, (ha ha) Thursday. I'm going to his bootcamp graduation from the Air Force. But he's in the Air National Guard. I'm kind of nervous about it. We've never gone this long without seeing each other. We were really attached before he left. We were always together... and he spent the night alot. I miss that and so does he. (according to his letters)

This weekend his Dad and step-mom will also be there... I am going to be staying with them.. ugh... So we won't have any alone time as far as I can see it. He seems to think we will based on his letters. God, I hope so. I don't want to be with the parents the whole time. You know, I DO want to kiss him and just cuddle with him as much as I can. (and so on...) We'll see.

Meanwhile, my best friend just moved a lot closer to my house. (four miles away) This has been really nice. I spent the night there last weekend. She moved there with her boyfriend. She and I went out for her 21st birthday Thursday night with this other girl. We had a lot of fun. We went to three different places and danced. The BAD thing is, her boyfriend just got into a really bad car accident yesterday. He's going to be in a wheelchair for at least two months. I feel really bad for her. I told her I will come over and help her out. (she also has a four year old girl)

Oh, for those who are in long distance relationships that wrote me, or are GOING to be...yes, it is hard. What I have done, is write him letters all the time, everyday. Well, since he's in bootcamp, that was really what they need, that's like the only good thing for them is their mail. But still, keeping in touch is really important and it makes me feel better. One, I'm staying in touch with him and two, i'm making him happy. I have sent him a lot of cute cards. Flirty ones are fun. I sent him pictures. I think that's really important too. Well...have any questions ask. I can't say I am doing the greatest about this whole situation but i still love him a lot and he loves me. OH OH...

He called me Saturday and I wasn't home! Can you imagine how that feels? So, to those few people sending me negative comments... HE DOES CARE! DUH. anyway, he left a message and said he loved me. :) and in his letter last week he was really looking forward to seeing me and wanting alone time with me this weekend. I can't believe I'm going to see him! I can't believe I'm going to be in Texas. I never go anywhere.