October 8, 2000

Last night Chad and I went to Six Flags' Fright Fest. It wasn't that scary. We rode their haunted train ride, the haunted hay ride, and went to two haunted houses. We also rode the Screaming Eagle and The Boss. It wasn't as scary to me in the dark. I don't like the Boss b/c of the huge drop. I closed my eyes again.

This guy that went to the same Air Force Base as the one Chad's going to, told me that it was a huge party there and NO ONE was faithful. I got upset and told Chad this. He doesn't seem to really care.(he just said "whatever" but he won't talk to me about it) I mean, we might as well break up now if that's going to be the case.

So much for going off of these pills. Yesterday I felt horrible. I took the pill but it took awhile to feel better. I was trying to take it every other day.

October 5, 2000

Thunderstorms last night; my favorite. It's still rainy here. Blah-weather. So, Chad couldn't fly yesterday. We didn't work out last night. We watched Dawson's Creek and ate Imo's.

My mom's mad at me about money stuff. i didn't have enough to give her to pay for on the computer this month. This morning when I came out of my room she said,"things are going to change around here." That's not a good sign. It could mean Chad can't stay over anymore which means I'll be really depressed. Or she'll say I need to work more hours. If you all only knew how my mom is. I could really write a book on her. People wouldn't believe it.

I won money on this website for being fan of the month for Dawson's Creek. My name's on the web and stuff about me. ha. So cool. They'll put my pic up too if I send them one. I just think it's cool and if it's for real, I could always use the money.

Um. I know I never go into anything really "deep" about myself, about how I actually feel and who I am. I'll work on it.

October 4, 2000

I went to my doctor yesterday with stuff off the net from others on this pill. He argued my "theory," tried to prove me wrong with his books, and laughed at me! He told me to DOUBLE my dosage b/c then I would get nausea and couldn't eat or would get sick. Oh that sounds fun. He told me bad stuff about the diet pills and that was about all the good he did. (because i would have bought one that had effedrine in it and not know that it's bad) I worked out again Monday night, running and walking at the gym. Last night, Chad and I went for a walk. (my mom had upset me and i wanted to get out and let off some steam) more on that later..

Does anyone know anything on St. John's Wort? I was thinking about taking it instead of an anti-depressant. Since herbs don't really get tested by the FDA, I was just wondering if they're okay.

I have no money. I can't believe it. I haven't been balancing my checkbook and just calling the bank hotline that tells you how much you have. well, come to find out, my mom just NOW deposited a check i wrote her two weeks ago. So, i have less than i thought. I started crying and telling her that I don't work full time anymore, only 15 hours a week. When we made the deal to pay that monthly amount it was based on the 40/week. She said oh well basically and "you don't have the luxery to go to school full time." Well, that touched a sore spot and I started really crying and telling Chad how I'm behind everyone my age in school as it is...it takes forever to finish school if you only take a few credits at a time.. and so on.

And what really bugs me is that my mom doesn't work full time. She also told me "you don't have the luxury to work part time," when I started this job. Like she can talk. She's on disability for her bad depression, (she drinks a lot too) and so she can't work full time. It's like, because she can be an adult, I have to take on more responsibility, I just want what everyone else has been able to have; a college education. I don't want to be like my mom, without a degree. I also don't want to be working low on the totem pole jobs for the rest of my life!

Other than that.. ha ha, things with Chad are fine. He's flying today, weather pernitting, by himself. I'm worried about that one! But, I'm proud of him. He's going after his goals. At least his parents support that. He doesn't pay rent. But then again, his parents both work.