Buffy sat in her kitchen, hands wrapped around a cup of lukewarm coffee, an untouched pancake in front of her. Her eyes were wide and unseeing, her mouth hard and tight.

Dawn sat next to her, poking at her own pancake with her fork. The pancake was nearly destroyed, and cool, but Dawn simply continued to push it around on her plate, her gaze never wandering from the chunks and crumbs doused in the dark syrup.

Tara and Willow stood on the other side of the kitchen island, looking back and forth between her and Dawn, worried looks on their faces.

“I’m done,” Dawn finally said, before getting up and leaving quickly. She headed upstairs immediately, not pausing to speak with the other young women in the kitchen. Buffy looked up after her, looking like she wanted to say something, but in the end her gaze returned to her plate, unable to manage the words.

“Buffy, you should eat,” Tara said, finally. Buffy looked up at her dazedly for a moment, before turning to look down at her coffee again.

“I’m…not really hungry,” she said. “W-we should get back.”

“Okay, Buffy,” Willow said eagerly, wanting nothing more than to make Buffy happy.

“Maybe we should wait a few more minutes,” Tara started.

“No, I want to be there, in case she…” Buffy trailed off, her voice a low whisper.

“I’ll go get Dawnie,” Willow said, rushing up the stairs to collect the teenager. Tara stared at Buffy silently for a moment.

“Buffy,” she started quietly, her eyes sad. “Maybe it’s none of my business, but…you need to start thinking about…about what you’re going to do.”

“I…I don’t…what should I do?” Buffy’s voice was small as she finally looked up into Tara’s face, her eyes wide and confused.

“I think you know, Buffy. She’s not…she isn’t coming back. You heard the doctor. The only thing you can do now is…”

“You’re telling us to kill our mother?” cried Dawn in shocked outrage from the doorway. “How can you…how can you even say that?” Her voice was breaking as she grew louder and more agitated.

“Dawnie, it’s not…” Tara tried.

“No! She’s our mom! We can’t…she might…what if we do it, and she would have woken up? We don’t know! We can’t just give up on her! She’s Mom!”

“Dawnie, it’s not…I know you don’t want to, and I’m not telling you to. I’m just trying to make you see that there’s a chance she might not...she might not wake up.”

“No! She’s going to be fine!” Dawn cried before running from the room.

Buffy had stared at her coffee cup the entire time, and finally sighed, closing her eyes tightly.

“Buffy, you know, this is your decision. I’m just saying…”

“I can’t…I can’t talk about this,” Buffy suddenly said, jumping up and running outside to where Xander and Anya were waiting for them in his car. She slid into the back seat silently, with a small nod in greeting to the couple.

*FLASH!*

Buffy slowly entered her mother’s hospital room, with her sister and friends lingering just slightly behind her. She pulled two chairs up on either side of the bed, and sat in one, while Dawn moved to the other. Willow stood behind Dawn, her hands on the girl’s shoulders in a comforting gesture. Xander had one hand on the back of Buffy’s neck, while Giles pulled up another chair and sat beside her, covering her cold, shaky hand with his own. Tara stood near Willow, her hand resting lightly on the small of her back, while Anya stood near the doorway, her hands clasped in front of her, looking around somewhat nervously. She wrung her hands lightly, before clearing her throat. When Xander turned to her, she cast her head down, saying nothing. He looked at her for a moment longer before turning back to Buffy.

“Does anyone want some…um, some coffee? Or snacks?” Tara asked gently. Without waiting for an answer, she gave Willow a look, and the two left the room. “We’re going for snacks. We’ll be…right back.”

“You guys don’t have to be here, if you don’t want to. I know...I know you have other things to do. We...Dawn and I are fine,” Buffy said after a minute, looking around at her friends.

“Buffy, are you sure? We can stay as long as you like,” Giles answered, casting worried eyes on her again.

“I need...I need to think,” she admitted.

“Think? What’s there to think about? I thought we decided at the house that...” Dawn started.

“Dawnie, we haven’t decided anything,” Buffy said gently.

“What? You’re not seriously considering…” Xander began.

“I don’t know…” Buffy admitted.

“You can’t! She’s your mom! You can’t just let her die!” Xander said forcefully.

“Xander, really, you were there when the doctors said...” Giles began.

“The doctors said she has a chance! You can’t just take that away!” Xander yelled back.

“Xander,” Anya started, stepping forward to put a hand on his arm, to calm him.

“No! You can’t just…”

“Stop it!” cried Buffy suddenly. “We can’t…not…not in here...she could…they say that people in comas can hear what’s going on around them, and if she wakes up, she might remember this and I don’t want her to hear that we’re...I don’t want her to hear this.” Buffy’s voice was disjointed, frantic, her eyes panicky as she shifted her gaze between the other occupants of the room rapidly. Then she was out the door in a flash, into the hallway, arms around herself tightly. Dawn went out after her, but didn’t stay in the hallway, instead heading for the bathroom.

Anya stepped outside the room as well, leaning against the wall across from Buffy. Neither girl spoke.

Inside, standing next to Joyce’s bed, Giles was furious. “Xander, you know as well as I do that Joyce isn’t in a coma. She’s brain dead.”

“She’s not dead yet. Her heart’s still beating, she’s breathing, she’s still alive. You’re a Watcher, Giles, it’s your job to save lives, not take them!” Xander hissed back.

“She’s not alive, Xander!” Giles snapped.

“Not yet,” Xander said coldly. “Do you want to be the one to tell Dawn and Buffy that they have to kill their own mother?”

In the corridor, Buffy was shaking visibly, taking fast, shallow breaths. Anya stepped up to her, her face expressionless, but her eyes warm.

“Why is everyone fighting about this?” she asked genuinely. Buffy looked at her for a moment before running a hand over her hair and offering a shrug.

“It’s just…my mom probably won’t wake up…but they don’t know for sure. I-I just don’t know if I should let her go, or if I should keep hoping.”

“Is there much hope?”

“N...not really, no,” Buffy admitted. “But I don’t know if I can...just let her go.”

“It must be expensive to have all those machines keeping her heart beating,” Anya offered. “How are you paying for it?”

“Um...Mom has medical insurance,” Buffy replied absently.

“Oh,” Anya replied. After a pause, she continued. “Is there enough there to pay for a long time?”

“I don’t...I don’t know. My dad would know, but I can’t reach him. He doesn’t...he should be here.” Her voice was strong on the last word, as if saying it would make it happen.

“But he and Joyce are divorced, aren’t they?” Anya asked, confused.

“Yes, but he should be here to help me decide what to...what to do,” Buffy finished lamely.

“Why do you have to decide? Can’t the doctors just do whatever they think is best?”

“No, they have to have…um, consent from a family member, before they can do anything,” Buffy replied, pinching the bridge of her nose.

“What are they going to do?”

“I don’t know” Buffy cried. “I don’t know what they’re going to do, or what I’m supposed to do, or what’s the right choice! How am I supposed to decide whether my mom lives or dies?” Her voice rose and rose as she continued, until finally she was near screaming, tears rolling down her face as she stood there, helpless for the first time in a long time.

Giles and Xander came out of the room immediately. Xander ushered a confused Anya away, while Giles tried to calm Buffy.

“Giles, I can’t make this decision. It’s not...if my dad were here, he could...he might...” again, Buffy trailed off. Giles clasped her hands in his, looking into her eyes.

“Buffy, you need to take your time. Talk to the doctors some more, and they’ll help you make your decision. Just remember, that while the rest of us do have opinions on the subject, this is, ultimately, your decision to make.”

“I just don’t know what to do, Giles. My mom would know, but she can’t tell me!” Buffy said, frustrated.

Giles pulled her into a hug, and held her a moment. Buffy sighed and stepped back, giving him a weak smile, before noticing that Dr. Stern was standing a few feet away, waiting for them to finish with their moment.

“Doctor, do you have any new information for us?” Giles asked him politely, a hand still on Buffy’s back in support.

“Ms. Summers’ condition hasn’t changed at all in the last 72 hours. I have to tell you, the longer she remains this way...” He turned to Buffy. “I’m not trying to rush you, Miss Summers, but you need to make your decision about your mother fairly soon.”

“I don’t know what I should...what do you think I should do?” she asked the doctor.

“I’ll be honest with you,” he said gently. “When someone is brain dead, they don’t wake up. The brain is not regenerative. Letting her go easily would be easiest on you and your family. Of course, the decision is yours to make, not mine. You have to do what you think your mother would want you to do.”

“I don’t know what she wants,” Buffy whispered.

“I’m going to go and talk to the doctor, Buffy. Sit for a moment and think about what you want to do, all right?” Giles said gently, sitting Buffy down in one of the plastic chairs attached to the wall.

Buffy sat silently for a moment, watching her surrogate father talk to the doctor, before Dawn came and sat beside her.

“What do you want to do?” Buffy asked her kindly.

“She’s our mom, Buffy. We can’t just kill her.”

“It’s not…killing her,” Buffy said softly to her little sister, pain jagged in her voice.

“It is!” Dawn said. “She’s our mom! We can’t just give up on her like that!” Her voice softened. “You’re the Slayer. You’re supposed to save lives, not take them,” she hissed, echoing Xander’s words to Giles only minutes ago.

“I just...I have to think,” Buffy said, closing her eyes and putting her head down. Dawn got up and left angrily.

Buffy continued to sit there, her thoughts circling. When night fell, Giles took her and Dawn home, promising to pick them up in the morning.

*FLASH!*

A few days later, Buffy still hadn’t reached her decision. She was sitting at her mother’s bedside, Tara sitting beside her.

“What do you think I should do?” she asked Tara softly, her eyes searching the witch’s helplessly.

“I can’t tell you what to do. But...I know what you’re going through. My mom died when I was seventeen.”

“My mom’s not dead,” Buffy said, her voice belying her sureness.

“No, no, I didn't mean to -- I'm only telling you because, it's not m-my place, but... there's things, thoughts and reactions that I had, that I couldn't... understand, or even try to explain to anyone else. Thoughts that made me feel like I was losing it, or like I was just a h-horrible person. I know it's different for you, because it's always different, but... if you ever need...”

“I need someone to tell me what to do. I need my mom.”

“I know, Buffy. I know,” Tara said, pulling the tiny Slayer into a hug.

*FLASH!*

“Buffy,” Giles said, holding onto his mug of tea tightly, witting across from Buffy at her kitchen table, “it’s been two weeks. The doctors have said that there isn’t much point in keeping her on the life support because she hasn’t even shown signs of breathing on her own.”

“I know.”

“You have to decide. Buffy, I don’t want to say this, but I can no longer keep quiet. Glory is still out there, and...”

“What? You want me to patrol??” Buffy cried angrily, jumping up. Giles stood up as well.

“Glory is out there, searching for the Key, and the longer you are indisposed, the more people die. The Hellmouth doesn’t cease all activity because of the Slayer’s personal life,” Giles tried again.

“I can’t just go on with my life, Giles! She’s my mother! I need to be there, in case something does change!”

“Buffy, the Council has...”

“Screw your Council! I can’t just snap my fingers and make a decision! I don’t know what to choose, and I can’t...”

“You have to, Buffy!” Giles replied.

“”I CAN’T!!” she yelled, running from the room, out the door, into the night.

*FLASH!*

Buffy lay in her bed, silent tears falling down her cheeks again. She had no idea what to do, and cried herself to sleep, still undecided.

When Buffy opened her eyes, her mom was sitting beside her bed, wearing the same outfit she had been when she’d first collapsed downstairs.

“Mommy?” Buffy said, her voice tiny and soft.

“Hi, Buffy,” Joyce replied, a sad smile on her face. Buffy jumped out of bed and ran to her, holding her tightly, crying in joy.

“Oh, God, Mommy!”

“Sweetie, I’m not...this is a dream, obviously,” Joyce said gently, running her hand down her daughter’s cheek. “And,” she glanced down at her clothes, “much more like Providence than I’d expected. At least I’m not stuck in a mother-of-the bride dress.”

Buffy’s eyes filled with tears again. “You’re not really here?”

“I’m sorry, honey. I wish I could be…but it’s just not going to happen, no matter how much you wish it.”

Buffy stared at her, understanding. “Mom, I can’t.”

Joyce smiled sadly and put a hand to her daughter’s cheek. “Buffy, you have to. I’m not...I’m not coming back. I’m sorry.” Buffy’s tears fell harder. “I love you, Buffy, but you have to go on. There are horrible things in this world, and they need you to stop them from happening.”

“You’re telling me to let you go?” Buffy gasped.

Joyce’s eyes were sad. “I don’t want to baby, I promise. But…it’s not in the cards for me, it seems. And…I think I’m ready now. I’ve had a few days to get used to this…and I’m ready.”

“But I need you, Mom,” Buffy said, her voice heartbreakingly soft.

“I know, sweetheart. I don’t want to sound like a cliché, but...I’m with you anyway. That’s just my body in that hospital. It will get easier, I promise. For you, for Dawn…for your friends. You know what you have to do.”

Buffy swallowed and clutched at her mother’s hand. “Do I hafta?” she asked finally, a small smile playing on her lips.

Joyce grinned. “Oh…Buffy. I do love you honey…more than anything else in the world.” She stood up and pulled back the covers on Buffy’s bed. Buffy obliged her and crawled underneath, letting her mother tuck her in. Joyce kissed her forehead and tweaked her nose. “Now be a good girl…live…for me.”

*FLASH!*

Buffy took a deep breath, stepping into the hospital. “It’s time to let her go,” she said softly to her friends, assembled around the waiting room.

*FLASH!*

The room was dim and crowded. She glanced, half-heartedly over the array of coffins before her, not caring at all which one she picked because not only would none of them be good enough for her mother, but more than anything she just didn’t want to be actually doing this. And Dawn…

Buffy turned. “You don't like it?”

“It's not that. It's just - what if mom… What if she'd like something else better?” her sister shrugged.

“Dawn-“

“I mean, how do we know? For sure? She's the one who has to be in it forever.”

*FLASH!*

“There's no wake?”

Buffy looked across the table at Willow. “Mom didn't like them. She said pot lucks are depressing enough as it is.”

“She said that? When?” Dawn asked.

“Right before she went in for her operation. We had a talk about what she wanted. In case…”

*FLASH!*

Willow peered over the bunch of flowers. “He didn't leave a card.”

*FLASH!*

The priest paused as the first pile of dirt was scooped up and tossed onto the coffin. “Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.”

*FLASH!*

“How’s forever, does forever work for you?”

*FLASH!*

Ben practically spat as he spoke. “Let Glory understand this. I'm not helping her find the Key. I would never do that to an innocent--”

Jinx eyes lit up. “An innocent? The Key? That's an…interesting choice of words.”

*FLASH!*

“So the Key's all secreted away in a flesh wrapper, huh? This narrows the search from now on in a serious way… I mean, we didn't have a clue. It could have been a log, or a bicycle pump or whatever - am I right?”

*FLASH!*

Doc’s eyes twitched. “It's a tricky spell, girl. I can't say for sure that your mother will come back exactly like she was. Sometimes things get a little… off.”

*FLASH!*

“Dawn. You know this is wrong. You know you can't let this happen. Not to Mom.”

*FLASH!*

“I'm not. I have to do these things, 'cause… 'cause when I stop, then she's really… gone.”

*FLASH!*

“The Slayer and the Key are connected. She is going to have contact with it. Find out who is new in her life, who is special, who is different. Watch her,” Glory growled, prowling around her apartment.

*FLASH!*

“Death is your gift.”

*FLASH!*

The Hellgoddess smirked. “So it's her. Under our noses all this time. I like the detail work those monks did. Quirks, foibles, passions. It's all so cute, so human, ya know? Pretty convincing really. But not convincing enough.”

*FLASH!*

Glory’s eyes flashed as she glared at Tara. “You lying little tramp. You're not the Key. You're nothing. Just another worthless human being. …Hey! Do you want to make it all better? If you tell me who the KEY really is I'll let you go. Think about it. You think your hand hurts? Imagine what you'll feel with my fingers wiggling in your brain.”

*FLASH!*

“Look at that... the light, it's so pure...Such a pure green energy. It's so beautiful,” Tara giggled, pointing to Dawn and Willow and Buffy looked on in horror.

*FLASH!*

Buffy’s jaw set. “All right. Nobody goes home, nobody tells anyone we're leaving. We grab whatever supplies we can and that's it -- we're gone.”

*FLASH!*

Xander’s jaw dropped as he peered out of the window. “We got company -- and they brought a Crusade!”

*FLASH!*

He touched her hand tenderly, nothing but love in his eyes, despite the pain coursing through his body. “You did... what was necessary. What I've always admired… Being able to place your heart above all else…I'm so proud of you. How far you've come. You're everything a Watcher - everything I could have hoped for...”

*FLASH!*

“So how do we stop it?”

“The portal will only close once the blood is stopped. And the only way for that to happen is ...Buffy - the only way is to kill Dawn.”

*FLASH!*

“Dawn listen to me. Listen. I love you. I'll always love you. But this is the work I have to do. Tell Giles I... I figured it out. And I'm okay. Give my love to my friends. You have to take care of them now -- you have to take care of each other. You have to be strong. Dawn. The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave. Live. For me.”

*FLASH!*

“She had to dig out of her own grave.”

*FLASH!*

“How long was I gone?”

The vampire looked up as he cleaned her wounds. “Hundred forty-seven days yesterday... um, one-forty-eight today. 'Cept today doesn't count, does it?”

*FLASH!*

“I was torn out of there. My friends pulled me out. And everything here is bright and hard and violent...Everything I feel, everything I touch...this is Hell. Just getting through the next moment, and the one after that...knowing what I've lost ...”

*FLASH!*

“I need something for a prosperity spell. I heard you had it --- A Mummy Hand.”

*FLASH!*

Buffy walked to the door and turned back again, as an afterthought. “Just to let you know. This... it really makes me feel… safe. Knowing you’re always gonna be there.”

*FLASH!*

“So much easier to talk to when he just wanted to kill me.”

*FLASH!*

“I'm gonna marry that girl.”

*FLASH!*

“So that’s my refrain…I live in hell…‘cause I’ve been expelled…from heaven. I think I was in heaven.”

*FLASH!*

“We kissed, Buffy.”

*FLASH!*

Buffy stormed to the front of the Magic Box, near hysteria. “I'm sorry. Everybody's sorry. And I know you're trying to help me. But it's all too much, Will. The memories, they hurt. I can't take it anymore…If you understood how it felt – how it feels now... It's like I'm dying in--”

*FLASH!*

A campfire…in the woods. Her friends, standing around it, watching the flames intently. Buffy looked more closely and found herself…

…staring back into her own green eyes. She blinked. The Buffy in the flames blinked. “What?” she whispered, and looked around as the image in the fire mirrored her.

“What’s going on?” she asked, looking from face to face before settling on the demon, Jackter.

He observed her carefully for a split second. “You are looking back at yourself…as you are now.”

Her eyes darted back to the flames. “Why?”

“Because this is where you’re supposed to be.”

The gravity of his words hit her and her face crumpled for a moment.

“Then it was for nothing? I just went through all that –This Is Your Life – for nothing?”

“Not for nothing,” Giles said gently, moving to her side. “Buffy, you’ve been dragging this around with you for a year…and now you know. As tragic as it is…your mother…you, your life…it’s how it should be. Nothing you could have done would have changed that.”

“It was never your fault Buffy,” Dawn told her, wiping at a stray tear. “Never ever ever. No one thought that. Just you.”

“I tried,” the Slayer said weakly. “I tried…and it still didn’t matter.”

“Mom came to you,” Dawn reminded her. “She told you she’s okay. She wants you to be happy.”

Buffy turned to her sister and Dawn’s heart almost broke at how lost the Slayer looked. She opened her arms and Buffy practically flew into them, and together, the sister’s comforted each other.

“I’m guessing you don’t want to leave this life,” Jackter said.

Buffy looked up at him with wet eyes, not leaving Dawn’s embrace, and shook her head.

Epilogue
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