Editor's Note: So. Xander. He's fun, he's lovable, he's kooky. And his episode was the hardest damn chapter of a fic we've ever had to write. We have no idea why. Robin and I loved the "what if" idea for this episode, and in fact, wrote it six or seven different ways - complete chapters here, mind you - and finally settled on this one. So, we hope we made the right choice, and that this storyline and characterization remains true without coming off to be too B/A, which this fiction isn't supposed to be. But...it's hard to ignore some history, isn't it? So...enjoy.
“Who will go next?” Jackter asked the group, having now given up the hopes that maybe someone would decline. He sank tiredly onto a tree stump and awaited the next request.
The group was silent, as everyone looked around at those who still hadn’t seen their alternate path. Of the Los Angeles gang, only Angel and Gunn were left. They glanced uncomfortably at the faces of the remaining Sunnydale forces - Tara, Buffy, Giles, and Xander.
It was he who now spoke. “I’ll go,” Xander said quietly, moving away from the circle and closer to the fire and Jackter. “Show me.”
“What do you want to see?” the demon asked him.
Xander swallowed and turned to face his friends, his eyes on the ground. “I’ve been thinking about this for the last hour or so…There’s not a lot in my life I’d take back. The good or the bad.” His eyes shifted in turn to each of his friends, including Cordelia, who smiled kindly at him. “I wasn’t lucky enough to be adopted,” he joked to Wesley, “and until Buffy came here, my life wasn’t all that exciting. It was just me and Willow and Jesse, in our oh-so-normal normalcy.”
He coughed now, clearing his throat as though he was embarrassed. “I’ve got great friends, and I’ve loved four wonderful women.” In turn his eyes fell on Buffy, Willow, Cordelia, and finally Anya, and with her his gaze steadied. “And I never once want to know what might have happened if I hadn’t found you.” Anya looked vastly relieved.
“At first I thought I’d like to see what my life would be like now if I’d been able to save Jesse. Jesse, Willow and I were best friends until Darla turned him into a vampire…and I staked him. He was the first vampire I ever dusted. Right after Buffy came to Sunnydale and changed my life.” Cordelia and Willow exchanged a fond glance of remembrance and Buffy squeezed Dawn’s hand. “But now there’s something else I’d like to see. Something I did a long time ago, and I’ve always wondered…no, that’s not true. I’ve always tried to forget this. Because remembering means I can admit I did something that may have changed the way things went. The way the world went. Our world.”
“Xander, what are you talking about?” Anya asked, worriedly.
Xander gave her a lop-sided smile and turned to Angel. “It’s no secret we haven’t always gotten along. I’m protective of my women. And I know you are too…I’ve never faulted you for that. It’s one of the few things I could respect about you.”
Angel cocked an eyebrow and waited.
“So…now I’ve complimented you, in a backhanded kinda way, in the hopes that you won’t kill me for what I’m about to say.” A beat. “Back at the end of Junior year…when you’d changed back to Angelus, Willow was in the hospital. Ms. Calendar was dead. I had a broken arm. And Buffy was devastated beyond anything. You, Spike and Drusilla were plotting to end the world with that stony demon guy. And Willow wanted to try the spell again to bring back your soul. She sent me after Buffy, to warn her and to rescue Giles. So I went. And I found Buffy on her way to the mansion to stop you.”
He paused for a moment, turning to Buffy. “I was stupid, Buff. I know that now. I was so tired of seeing you get hurt…and so much of it revolved around Angel…”
Buffy eyes were wide. “What did you do, Xander?” she asked quietly.
“I met you on the street…and I told you something. Do you remember? A message from Willow.”
Buffy thought back. “You told me Willow said, ‘kick his ass.’”
Xander’s eyes leveled with hers.
“But…but I didn’t say that,” Willow gasped. “I wouldn’t have said that. I told Xander to try and stall Buffy until the spell worked.”
“I know, Will,” Xander said softly, sick with nerves now. “But I didn’t. I was stupid, and petty, and I wanted him dead because at the time… Ms. Calendar was dead and Giles was a mess…you were hurt, I was hurt…all because of Angel.” He hung his head now, not daring to look up.
“So you didn’t tell Buffy about the spell. She could have prevented him from awakening Acathla, and you didn’t tell her,” Giles muttered.
“Angel might not have gone to Hell,” Buffy whispered, her face ashen. “I might have been able to hold him off long enough for Willow’s spell to go through. He went to Hell. For a hundred years.”
Angel said nothing. His expression indicated emotions from rage to confusion to hurt.
Xander hung his head even further, ashamed to look his friends in the eye. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. It’s horrible and selfish. I know that now. This is my only chance to change things. My only chance to make it better. You deserve to know. I don’t know if things would be different if I’d told her. I’m not sure I want to. But I’m never going to get another chance like this. And…I think that if it’s better…it’s yours. You can have that world.”
“What?!” Anya cried. “No! Xander!”
He looked up at her. “I owe that to them, Anya,” he said, determination ringing in his voice. He turned to Jackter before anyone else could say anything. “Show me. Now.”
Cinder and ash, flame and fire,
‘Tis the other’s life to see we desire
Two roads before us, but one to take
Show the other, the choice not made.
*FLASH!*
Sunnydale, May, 1998
Buffy stomped down the street, heading for the mansion, the blessed sword that Kendra had given her clamped fast in her left hand, wrapped in a dark cloth. There was a noise to her right and suddenly a body stumbled towards her from the hillside.
“Xander!” she cried.
He righted himself. “Calvary's here. Cavalry's a frightened guy with a rock, but it's here.” He held out the rock sheepishly and Buffy almost grinned, but instead pulled out a stake and handed it to him. “This is better,” he agreed, tossing away the rock and continuing down the road with her.
“You're not here to fight.” Buffy told him, completely no-nonsense. “You get Giles out of there and run like Hell, understood? I can't protect you. I'm gonna be too busy killing.”
She paused for just a moment to unwrap the sword and reveal it to Xander.
“That's a new look for you,” he commented nervously.
Buffy gave the sword a hard stare. “It's a present for Angel. This ends it, Xander. I'm ready.”
She continued down the road when Xander grabbed her arm, stopping her. “Willow. . . she said to tell you. . .”
He paused and Buffy sighed impatiently. “Tell me what?”
“This is it,” Xander muttered.
“She said to tell you she’s trying the spell again. No questions,” he said quickly when Buffy opened her mouth to object. “Pulled the infamous resolve face on us and we were powerless. Scooby Kryptonite.”
Buffy’s body sagged for a moment. “So stall him, huh?”
Xander swallowed nervously. “Uh huh. Think you can?”
“To save his soul?” Buffy stared at the sword in her hand. “Yeah, I think I can manage that.”
They continued to the mansion and discovered Angelus had already begun the spell that would release Acathla.
“Acathla. Mundatus sum. Pro te necavi. Sanguinem meum pro te effundam, quo me dignum esse demonstrem,” he chanted, walking towards the statue, determined. Behind him, Dru was giddily observing, and Spike, in his wheelchair, looked bored.
Drusilla handed Angelus a knife and he slit his palm, the blood dripping onto the floor. He got closer to Acathla, was reaching for the sword that would start the ritual, when Buffy entered.
“Hello lover,” she said stonily. And it was on.
The fight began quickly, with Spike taking out Angelus initially, and high-tailing it over to Drusilla whom he knocked unconscious and drug out of the mansion. Angelus staggered to his feet in the hall and whirled wildly, looking for the Slayer.
Just feet from him Buffy unveiled her sword with a gleam in her eye and Angelus swallowed, eyes darting quickly in search of a weapon. Acathla was too far to reach before Buffy would strike. Thinking quickly he leapt up onto a wall and pulled down a decorative, yet still quite useful, battle sword. Throwing himself into the fight, at the same time trying to steer his way to Acathla to complete the ritual, he found that Buffy was more than ready for him.
“Guess all those sparring matches really taught you my style, huh Buff?” he taunted.
She glared at him while parrying with the best of them. “And a few new things,” she quipped, jumping up and off a fountain to land behind him, thrusting her sword out and stabbing him in the shoulder. Angelus cried out in pain and turned on her.
“First blood, congratulations,” he hissed, and lunged at her. She dodged him quickly, and spun, striking out and defending herself as she’d been taught to…by both Angel and Giles. Blades of steel flashed furiously as the Champion and the Chosen fought for domination. And steadily Buffy pushed Angelus as far back from Acathla as possible.
“You’ll never beat me, Buffy. You’ll never make it. You can’t kill me,” he called, pulling at her heart, knowing emotionally he could wound her if he was unable to physically.
“You’re very wrong about that,” she shot back as they circled each other.
“I’m going to finish the ritual,” he promised.
“Maybe,” she countered. “But you have to get through me first, Angel. Just me.”
“It’ll be my pleasure, luv.”
He swung at her with his fist rather than the sword and Buffy ducked, falling to her knees and sliding between his legs to come up behind him. Turning, he swung wildly with the sword and she ducked again, losing her footing and falling backwards only to find herself trapped against the wall. Angelus grinned evilly at her and moved in, raising his sword above her, posed to strike.
Suddenly Angelus stumbled and his eyes filled with yellow light, glowing eerily. He gasped and fell to his knees, the sword clattering to the ground. Buffy arched up on her elbows, backing up as far from him as possible. She witnessed the magic going through him, saw the moment his soul reentered his body. And then he looked upon her with Angel’s eyes, full of concern and confusion, but no hate, no evil.
“Buffy?” he gasped, panting from the pain.
Buffy stared at him skeptically and reached for his sword, kicking it to her and jumping to her feet, poised, sure this was a trick of light.
Angel rose to his feet shakily. “What’s---where are we?”
She continued to stare at him, the sword becoming heavy in her hand.
“I don’t remember…everything’s so…” He glanced around. “What is this?”
She blinked dumbly and he moved to her. “We’re…sparring? No…we’re…God, I feel like I—I haven’t seen you in forever,” he stammered, reaching for her and enveloping her in his arms. Tears began to fall from her eyes.
“Here,” Angel whispered to Buffy, handing her a handkerchief, and she smiled sheepishly, wiping at the tears sliding down her cheeks, mirroring her image in the flames.
The expression on Xander’s face was one of horror and tears filled his own eyes as well. Unable to speak, he continued to watch.
*FLASH!*
Sunnydale, September, 1998
Buffy snuggled in more closely to Angel’s chest as they lay back, leaning against the headstone in one of Sunnydale’s many cemeteries. Closing her eyes, she sighed happily. “What a summer.”
He made a noise of agreement. “Nice, though.”
“Very.”
“I’m so glad you’re here,” she murmured.
He smiled and stroked her hair. “Me too.”
“Sending you to Hell would have been a real drag,” she joked, nestling herself closer to him and he wrapped his arms around her, breathing in the scent of her hair. Her tone had been light, but they both knew that the events of that night still tore at both their hearts.
“For both of us,” he said softly, thinking of Giles just then. Giles, still not entirely forgiving of Angel’s exploits under the guise of Angelus, and rightfully so, was reluctant to spend too much time around the vampire. The pain was still too great.
“I don’t think I can ever thank Willow enough for coming through with that spell in time.”
“How’s she doing, with the magic?” he asked.
Buffy’s eyes popped open. “Ok, I guess. She’s really gotten into it. Almost burned her house down last week,” she grinned.
Angel suppressed a smile. “She needs to be careful with that stuff, Buffy,” he warned. “Magic is a very dangerous tool. And she’s young.”
Buffy sighed again. “I know. And I think she knows. But it’s exciting for her right now, everything’s new, and she seems to have a talent for it, so…I’m being encouraging Buffy.”
“Is this a private party?” someone said from behind them, and they both jumped.
“Hey, Will, Oz,” the couple said in stereo.
“So much for vamp and Slayer senses. If we were some bad guys, we’d have taken you,” Willow teased happily, plunking down next to her friends.
“Easily,” Buffy admitted, sitting up, but not removing herself from Angel’s lap.
“How goes the slaying tonight?” Oz asked, taking a seat next to Willow.
“Slow. We were talking about this summer. I think this qualifies as the best ever,” Buffy informed them.
Willow nodded happily. “And there’s still a whole week until school starts. I’m just glad you didn’t go to LA this summer. Last year it was so boring without you around.”
Buffy smiled at her best friend. “Yeah, well, I’d like to have seen my dad, but I can’t say that spending a relaxing summer with you guys qualifies as a bad.” She looked down at her hands and grinned even more broadly. “Plus, this year’s gonna be great. We’re all paired up…Me and Angel, Xander and Cordelia…you and Oz…”
“We’re Seniors now…”
“Freedom…”
“Off to college soon…”
“More freedom…”
The group fell into a comfortable silence as they dreamed about the things the future held for them.
“But this summer had its high-points,” Willow added.
“Yeah,” Oz chimed in. “Beach parties…barbecues…a few crazy nights at the Bronze…”
Willow bounced. “And the Fourth of July was awesome!”
“The best,” Buffy agreed. “Your fireworks show was incredible. You’re getting pretty good with the magic stuff. Like our own little Sabrina, minus the silly talking cat.”
Willow blushed, but grinned. “It’s easy…and it’s so fun, Buffy. I didn’t think this would ever be something I’d get into, but after that spell to cure Angel…I just can’t get enough,” she admitted.
Angel gave her a knowing look. “Just be careful. I know you’re having fun, but it’s dangerous stuff, Willow. Don’t get in too deep.”
Willow crossed her heart. “Promise. It’s strictly a back-burner activity.”
Satisfied, Buffy returned her thoughts to the upcoming school year. “I am so not looking forward to facing Snyder this year. The man’s vile.”
“He just has it out for you, Buff. We’ll try to stay out of his way this year.”
“His way’s the only way, though. And somehow I seen to have rooted myself firmly in the middle of his way,” the Slayer moaned.
“Well…we’ll just sic Cordelia on him,” Oz grinned.
Buffy laughed. “That should do it. Speaking of which, is she back from her trip yet?”
Oz shrugged. “Hadn’t made plans to look into that, but I’m guessing no since Xander’s still pretty much camping out on her doorstep. He said he’d show tonight, though.”
“And he tells the truth,” a voice came from behind them. The group turned around to find Xander coming towards them, an arm draped around the shoulders of Cordelia Chase.
“Hey guys!” Buffy called. “How was your summer, Cordelia?”
The brunette rolled her eyes. “Ugh. The trip was a nightmare. Las Palmas is the land of dread. I wanted to go to St. Kits, but do my parents listen? Honestly, a night of hanging out in a graveyard sounds so much better than going back there. And I never thought I’d say that.” She rolled her eyes again and sighed disgustedly, then perked up. “And then, of course, I find this on my stoop when I get home. Did you live there this summer?” she grinned, pointing to Xander.
He smiled back. “I told you. I was just out for a walk.”
“That excuse never works,” Angel told him. “Trust me.”
“So! Hail hail, the gang’s all here,” Xander quipped as he and Cordelia took a patch of the blanket Buffy and Willow had lain out.
“Ready for school, everyone?” Cordy asked. Her question was met with groans.
“We need a campfire,” Buffy said wistfully. “And some s’mores.”
“But no singing,” Oz requested. “Brings back nightmares of Oak Knoll Summer Camp.”
Willow’s eyes grew round. “Say no more! Fuerista!” she called, with a wave of her hand, and instantly a nice, small fire popped up next to them.
“Wow!” Cordelia cried, scooting back from the flames just a bit. “When did you learn to do that?”
Willow rocked from side to side, pleased with herself. “This summer. I’ve been researching everything I can on Wiccan lore. It’s so interesting.”
“Where’s the chocolate?” Buffy complained with a grin.
*~*~*
The summer ended and school began, bringing with it a torrent of activity on the Hellmouth, all of it keeping the Slayer busy. With Kendra’s death called Faith as the next Slayer, and she burst onto the Sunnydale scene with fire in her eyes. She was as spicy a Slayer as Kendra had been mechanical, and was sometimes the bane of Buffy’s existence, but even the elder Slayer had to admit that having her around was useful and sometimes even fun. Gwendolyn Post came, fought, and lost. Wesley arrived, as did Mr. Trick.
Willow’s power increased almost daily, to a point where it was sometimes scary, and the gang begged her to be careful. Giles, now slowly beginning to accept Angel back into the fold, was very concerned about her but she was too immersed to pay much attention. She spent most of the school year heavily involved in trying to find a spell to control Oz’s wolf persona, unsuccessfully.
It was revealed that the Mayor was involved in some shady dealings, and Buffy’s heart was broken when Faith switched sides and joined his team. The hurt turned to anger when Faith began attacking the Scooby gang, but that came to an abrupt halt when she dared to mess with Willow. Kidnapped and held in City Hall, Willow unleashed some of her more serious powers on the Slayer, almost killing her, and everyone else in the building. It took days for the little Wiccan to recover.
But good prevailed in the end, and, despite some slight blowing-up of the high school, everyone was well. Cordelia and Xander had split up about half-way through the year, remaining friends, but Willow and Oz were still going strong. And Buffy had Angel.
And the school year ended as quickly as it began. New things were on the horizon, namely, college. Buffy, Willow and Oz would be attending U.C. Sunnydale. Xander had elected to join the work forces directly from high school and eventually settled on construction, learning he had an aptitude for woodworking and carpentry. Cordelia had left Sunnydale abruptly at the end of the school year and headed out for stardom in Los Angeles. So far, no one had heard from her.
Sunnydale, November, 1999
Having deposited Buffy on her doorstep after a night of heavy slaying Angel strolled through the cemetery on his way back to the mansion, enjoying what everyone termed “a good brood.” This year things were heating up with some Army brats that were haunting the campus, along with the return of Angel’s grand-one, Spike, an unwelcome visitor to the Sunnydale area. And Willow was becoming more erratic with her magic usage, enough to worry the Scoobies, especially Oz, immensely. Last week she’d gone out on her own against a small cluster of Heplit demons, and had Xander not stumbled across them she would have ended up dead, not knowing that Heplit are impervious to most magics.
His thoughts were interrupted a moment later by the snap of a twig somewhere nearby. Vampire senses went on alert and his body tensed, reaching out to whatever lurked. It was to his right, he was sure. Could hear its heartbeat. Stealthily he rounded a tree, shadowing himself with the night until he was ready, and then he leapt, landing in front of the crouching figure about twenty feet away.
“Ahh!” it screamed and Angel found himself looking into the bright blue eyes of a mortal man. “Jesus, Mary and Joseph you scared the blood out of me,” the man gasped, trying to adjust his jacket around Angel’s hands, gripping firmly on his lapel. “Which I guess you’d rather enjoy, now that I think of it,” he added.
“Who are you?” Angel growled, still wary.
The man grinned. “Oh, come on now…let’s see those Irish eyes a’smilin!” he joked, and for the first time Angel noticed that the man himself had a think Irish brogue. “Relax…I’m not going to hurt you, big man.”
Angel did not loosen his hold on the man’s collar. “Great. You still haven’t answered me. Who are you and what do you want?”
Cordelia gasped. “Doyle."
“Name’s Doyle. And I’m here for you, my friend. You’re late.”
“What?”
“You’re late. You were supposed to be in Los Angeles months ago. I’ve been waiting around there, doing my duty, for nothing. Got boring. Thought I’d come search you out.”
“Who sent you?” Angel asked, his voice very low, and then a scent caught the wind and he sniffed. “You don’t smell human,” he said, his eyes narrowing.
“Hey, chill out. I’ll have you know I’m very much human…on my mother’s side. And there’s no mob hit out on ya. We don’t do that kinda thing. Besides, I’ve never known the mob to be interested in a vampire with a soul,” Doyle told him simply.
Angel’s hands dropped to his sides. “How do you know what I am?”
“This scene ringing any bells with you? Sounding a little bit familiar?” Doyle asked. Angel didn’t answer him and Doyle continued. “Think back with me…1996…rainy night in New York…some guy with a fedora walks up to you out of nowhere and insults you?”
“Whistler,” Angel murmured.
“Bingo! Now ya got it! Me and him works for the same powers. The Powers, actually. The Powers That Be. The big mojo gurus in the sky that sorta steer things on the right path and watch over everything at the same time. They got it out for you, in the you’ve-got-a-destiny way. You must be pretty big for them to get involved twice now.”
Angel took a step back, but his expression didn’t become any more friendly. “What do they want? Why did they send you?”
“Look,” Doyle began, “I don’t ask questions. I’m here to help you out, talk to you. Apparently the Powers think you’re supposed to be doing something else with your life, I’m here to give you that option, show ya the way, so to speak. Like with Whistler. I’ll show, you decide.”
“I like it here. I’m doing something with my life here,” Angel began to protest, emphasis on the word “here.”
“You like that a certain gorgeous blonde is here,” Doyle corrected. “Let me ask you something. What are you so involved in, specifically? From what I’ve seen, you spend your days doing not much more than reading drab poetry and hanging around like a vampire in that cold mansion of yours. And at night, you help out the Slayer--not that I blame you…she’s got quite the set of…eyes,” he stammered when Angel looked ready to rip his throat out. “What I’m getting at, and there is a point here, you could be doing a lot more. Sunnydale’s covered, mate. Got all the super-hero strength it needs.”
“I’m not listening to this. I’m happy here. For the first time that I can remember, I’m happy and I’m doing something. I followed their suggestion once, and I thank them for that, but tell your Powers I’m done relocating at their will,” Angel told him, turning and walking away.
Doyle followed and changed the subject. “That hottie Cordelia’s in Los Angeles, Angel. She doesn’t know it, but she’s waiting for you, like I was. And she’s doing a lot worse. The princess came down off the pedestal pretty hard. You should see it.”
Angel sighed as Doyle joined him in his march across the cemetery. “That’s too bad,” he said sincerely.
“It is too bad, isn’t it? I mean, she went to LA to become an star, and she was almost a dead actress without you there…but we intervened and she’s still kicking around Skid Row. “
Angel stopped abruptly. “What’s your point again?”
“My point is…give me a chance. I might be able to help you out. I’ve been sent…”
“..By the Powers That Be to show me my path. You know what?” He pointed down the block. “My path is this way. To my house. And my bed. Where I will sleep until mid-afternoon. And then I will read some drab poetry and hang around.”
“And then you’ll go out alternately hunting and smooching with the Slayer.”
“What does she have to do with this?” Angel growled.
Doyle arched an eyebrow. “Now I’m getting somewhere. I hate to say it, I’m a sucker for romance, especially the whole star-crossed lovers thing you two have going. It’s beautiful. But I also know that it’s eating you up inside, every time you’re with her, every time you hold her. All those things you can’t give her.” Doyle began to lazily circle Angel. “And deep down, she knows it too. You’re living on borrowed time here, buddy.”
The vampire was silent, which encouraged Doyle to continue.
“I’m on your side, Angel. I really am. But I’m also on their side, the Powers' side. You’ve been thinking about the future lately. That’s why they sent me. They know too. At best, your future with the Slayer is sketchy. I also happen to know that lately, you’ve been thinking about leaving. Thing is, you were supposed to do that months ago. You’re late, as I’ve said from the beginning.” Doyle paused. “You’ve got a choice. You can let me come home with you, and tell you what I know, and you can make up your mind from there…or you can tell me to bugger off and hit the highway. And I’ll leave, but then you’ll never know what’s to come, what could have been.”
Angel stared at him.
*FLASH!*
December, 1999
“Doyle! Can you help me with this?” Willow called as she struggled to reach something on the top shelf of one of Giles’ bookshelves.
Doyle grinned. “I’d be glad ta, darlin’, but I’ve so been enjoying the view here,” he teased, leering appreciatively at her backside as she stretched to reach a book.
She threw him a mock-glare over her shoulder and he rose off the couch to help her. Doyle had appeared out of nowhere, or so it had seemed, and Angel introduced him simply as an old friend. The truth of the matter was, Doyle had refused to leave and kept popping up at inopportune times. A story had been required while Angel waded through all the information the half-demon had given him…and while he sorted through the thoughts about his future in Sunnydale that had started plaguing his mind.
“Couldn’t you have just mojo’d it down?” Doyle asked Willow, handing her the book she’d desired.
Willow glanced at the kitchen where the rest of the gang were diving into research snacks. “Everyone’s getting kinda testy with that stuff lately,” she admitted with a whisper.
“Ah,” he murmured, granting her a knowing wink.
“But that’s all going to change soon,” she said mysteriously, and walked away.
“You can't imagine, Giles. It was the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen. I’m pretty sure it was alien, but there’s no real telling about that kind of stuff,” Buffy moaned as she and her Watcher walked back into the main room.
“What did it look like again?”
“Pinkish and blobby. Like congealed Pepto. Or maybe what the Pepto looks like after it comes back up,” she told him, wrinkling her nose. “And they called it, “Jello-salad.”
Doyle grinned. Coulda been demon-talk, but no. Cafeteria food. It was nice to be among real people again. Buffy and her crowd were certainly fun. He understood why Angel was reluctant to leave, despite knowing that he had no future with the Slayer. But they were running out of time, and the Powers were growing displeased.
The door opened suddenly and Oz walked in, looking none too happy. He walked directly to Willow, all but ignoring the greetings he received from the others.
“I need to talk to you,” he told her low and angry, not meeting her eyes.
“Su-sure…what’s up?” she asked worriedly.
“Not here…outside,” he requested, and it was obvious he was holding back his anger.
Willow threw her friends a nervous glance and left the flat with him.
“What was all that about?” Xander asked, flopping down on the couch. “Oz was actually showing an emotion there for a sec.”
Buffy cast a worried eye to the door. “Dunno.”
“Yes, well…shall we attend to the business at hand?” Giles asked. “I’m sure they’ll rejoin us in a moment.”
The group snapped to attention. “The Commando guys. Well, we know Riley’s one of them…and we know Spike’s all chipped.” Buffy began.
“And there’s something called 3-14, but no one has a clue what that means yet,” Angel offered. “I’ve got everyone I know working on it. Something will turn up. Doyle hasn’t had a vision about it, so maybe it’s nothing.”
Buffy glanced at him curiously. He'd been twitchy lately, especially today, avoiding her eyes and acting somewhat uncomfortable around her, distant. Dismissing it for the moment, she turned back to the conversation at hand.
“And I’m still working on trying to find this secret military lab and get access,” Buffy told them. “But it’s a little hard when you can’t even find the lab.”
“Hence the secret part,” Anya added helpfully.
“Angel and I will patrol some more tonight, see if we can scope out anything, maybe find some GI Joe’s and tail them back to the bunker.”
"This whole secret-military operations thingy is giving me the wig," Xander admitted. "I saw The Manchurian Candidate, I'm hip to this stuff."
Buffy threw him a look. "Calm yourself. We'll get to the bottom of it. And maybe Willow can work up some magic-y locating spell or something."
“That would be very helpful, thank you,” Giles said absently. The sounds of shouting were now coming through his front door from the courtyard just outside, where Oz and Willow were. “Perhaps we should check on them?”
Before anyone could answer, the door to the flat opened and Willow walked in slowly, shock on her tear-stained face.
“Will?” Buffy asked, moving to her best friend.
“He—Oz—He left.”
“Left...left where, honey?”
“Left. Left me.”
“What?!” Buffy cried, glancing up at Xander. “What are you talking about?”
Willow let out a tiny sob and covered her mouth with her hand, trying to control herself. “I tried a spell…on him. I didn’t tell him about it. It’s to control the wolf. But it backfired. And he turned in the middle of the day…on campus!”
“Oh my God,” Buffy muttered, and put an arm around her friend. “Was anyone hurt?”
Willow shook her head as her body was wracked with sobs. “N-n-no. But he’s mad. Because I didn’t tell him…and be-because I used magic on him. He said I had no right to do that, to try and control something he doesn’t even understand himself.”
Buffy glanced up helplessly at their friends while Willow cried on her shoulder, leaning heavily on the Slayer. “I’m sure he…didn’t mean it,” she said, unconvincing. Willow’d finally gone too far…they had all known this day was coming.
*FLASH!*
“I don’t understand,” Buffy whispered. “Was there some kind of memo sent out about this? ‘National Break-Up Day...everyone, prepare to rip out the heart of the person you love?’”
“I know my timing is awful...but there's never a good time for this...I'm sorry. But, I have to. For you, for us. This isn’t fair. It’s not right,” Angel told her, begging her to understand.
“Who are you to decide that?” she asked, tears escaping.
“I love you. You know that. That hasn’t changed. But we have. Buffy…I can’t do this to you. You have a life here that can’t revolve around me. You have school and your friends, your mom and your sister…you’re nineteen years old.”
“I don’t buy that excuse.”
He sighed and pushed back the chair he’d been leaning against. “Look at yourself, Buffy. You’re talking about quitting school. You’re making plans for our future…a future that can’t happen. And I’m being selfish. I haven’t said anything for so long because I don’t think I can stand to be apart from you. But we have to. You deserve more. You deserve better. I’ve loved you for years, and I have no right to.”
“This is about Doyle, isn’t it? He’s convinced you to do this. I know why he’s here. I know he wants you to come to Los Angeles. I heard you one night, talking,” she admitted. “Running away to be a super-hero, Angel?” she asked bitterly.
“That isn’t it, Buffy. I love you. I’ll always love you. But you have to think this through,” he pleaded. “Do you know what our future will be like?” he asked her gently. “You will grow up and grow older. And I’ll stay young, forever. We’ll fight the demons until you’re too old to, and then we won’t even have that anymore. We can’t get married…I’m not a real person. I don’t have any identification. I don’t have a birth certificate. I don’t exist in the eyes of the law. Without any of that, we can’t adopt children. Your life with me will be empty. It’ll end up killing you.”
“No!” she shouted. “No. My life with you would be perfect. It’s perfect now. It can be in the future!”
“It can’t, Buffy, don’t you see? I love you. God, I love you. But it’s already changing! You’re ready to throw your life away for me. For me! You take stupid risks because you’re so sure I’m going to be there to bail you out. You’re getting lazy with your studies so you can come to the mansion and sleep in my bed, in a bed where we can do little more than lay side by side. I can’t let you dedicate your life to something that isn’t going to last, no matter how long we try to drag it out. No matter how much we love each other.” At this point, he too was crying, and angry tears streaked down his face.
She wrapped her arms around herself, blocking out his words.
“I’m leaving. I’m sorry…I’m so sorry. You can’t know. You’ll never know. It’s killing me to say this. To know that I’m never going to touch you again. But I’m going to do it, because I know it’s for the best.”
He left her sobbing into her arms, rocking herself gently on her dorm room bed.
*FLASH!*
“Xander! Wait up!” Willow cried, running across campus to catch up with her friend. “Xander!”
Xander didn’t seem to hear her and kept walking.
Slowing to a complete stop, Willow closed her eyes. “Still,” she whispered harshly, and the entire campus froze, as if time had stopped. Pleased with herself, Willow darted along the paths until she was next to Xander. “Motion,” she called, and the campus instantly came to life again.
“Will!” Xander shrieked. With no warning, Willow had appeared in front of him. “Don’t do that!”
She shrugged. “Sorry.”
“I told you before, don’t do that. It freaks me out when you pop up like that all of the sudden. The Evie-thing isn’t funny anymore,” he warned her.
“Sorry, jeez. Someone’s got their grumpy-pants on today,” she mumbled as they fell into step.
“Well, you can’t say we haven’t all talked to you about this. The magic stuff’s handy and all, but it’s a little much when we’re not in the middle of a demon war or something. It's not like this is the first time you're hearing this." It was a jab about Oz's departure, and it didn't go unnoticed.
Willow stopped short. “I’m just gonna go,” she told him bitterly.
“Willow…wait,” he called, exasperated. “I’m sorry, that was harsh. I had a bad day at work and I’m taking it out on you.”
“I just get sick of the reminders, Xander. Every time someone’s upset with anything, somehow my use of magic gets called into question. I can’t change the way of things."
“He left because magic was more important to you than he was,” Xander said gently. “I know it upsets Tara, too, and she hasn't been around that long.”
“I’m a witch, Xander!” Willow was close to shouting. “That’s what I do! Should I deny myself my powers just to make you all happy? I don’t see you asking Buffy to tone down her Slayer-strength.”
“Buffy didn’t almost kill herself and all her friends with a transportation spell a month ago,” he snapped. "She's dealing with Angel leaving like a normal, albeit emotionally wrecked, person. Get it through your head, Willow. What else is it going to take? I'm sorry Oz left. Hell, with the mood's people have been in lately, I'm sorry Angel left! But there were good reasons behind it all, and until you wake up and see that..." he trailed off lamely. "I don't know what to say to you." Giving her a sad glance back, he walked away.
*FLASH!*
Willow sat on the bathroom floor of her dorm. It was late, no one would disturb her. And once the spell was complete, not only would she feel better...but so would Buffy...and, judging by what Xander had said earlier, so would everyone else.
The candles were lighted and she crossed her legs, one over the other in her plaid pajamas, and closed her eyes. "Harken well ye elements. I summon thee now. Control the outside. Control within. Land and sea, fire and wind. Out of my passions, a web be spun. From this eve forth, my will be done. So mote it be!"
There was a flash of light...and it was finished. It was a simple spell, really, and when it was completed, she calmly cleaned up her supplies and headed back to the dorm room where Buffy was still sleeply peacefully in her twin bed. With a smile of satisfaction, Willow went to bed.
The next morning she rose to find Buffy's bed empty and unmade. It made her sad to see that...the Slayer had been in such a funk since Angel had left her for LA...
Time to change that.
She closed her eyes. "It is my will that Buffy be happy," she murmured. A tingle went through her, a flash of light burned in her mind, and she assumed the spell had worked. "It is my will that my own heart be healed." Again with the tingle and the flash of light, which left her mind not quite as heavy as it had felt a moment earlier. The pit in her stomach seemed to become whole again in an instant. And a moment later she couldn't even remember what'd she'd been so unhappy about.
"Woah..." Spike moaned. "Not this again. If we come across a scene of me and and the cupcake over there in a lip-lock, I'm going to get violent. I'm not reliving that."
"Because it's my fondest wish," Buffy retorted.
"Well...remember...when I cast the spell last time, all the stuff I asked to be done, specifically, didn't happen. It was the little random stuff I said offhand that came true," Willow told them.
"But in that world? You're a hell of a lot more powerful, Will," Xander reminded her.
*~*~*
"Xander! Hi Xander!" Buffy cried, racing across the courtyard and bounding over to her friend just as he was about ready to open the door of Giles' flat.
"Hey, Buff...did you get into the Pixie-Stix again or something?" he asked, taking a step back from the overly-hyped Slayer.
She grinned loopily. "No, silly! Can't a girl just be in a good mood?"
Xander gave her a look. "Uh...sure. Apparently...lately...not you or Willow...but I guess sudden mood-swings are allowed for those with mourning of the heart."
She cuffed him on the shoulder and grinned again. "Let's go see Giles!" she suggested.
"A capital idea," he agreed warily, and they walked inside.
"Ah, Buffy, Xander," Giles greeted them. "I think we may have found something very interesting about this Initiative problem," he said excitedly.
"Problem schmroblem," Buffy laughed. "It's a beautiful day. I think we need ice cream."
Giles eyed her, confused. "I'm sorry?"
She giggled again. "Ice cream! You know, 'I scream, you scream?' I know they have ice cream in England!"
Giles confused eyes turned from his Slayer to Xander, who gave him a smirk. "And the expression you'd be searching for is 'What the--?'"
"Buffy, are you feeling quite all right?" Giles asked, taking a step closer.
"I'm simply mah-ve-lous, Giles," Buffy told him, bouncing from one foot to the other. She turned from them and began singing as she strolled around the flat. "I think I'll go for a walk outside now, the summer-time's calling my name!"
Again, Giles and Xander exchanged a nervous glance. "Buffy...you didn't happen to have been hit on the head with a large, heavy object, did ya? Or maybe, I don't know...become possessed by the spirit of Gidget?" Xander asked.
Buffy looked over at them brightly. "What? You're so funny, Xander!"
"Yes...yes I am," he agreed with a sigh.
"When did this sudden change in personality begin?" Giles murmured to Xander as they watched Buffy dance around the room.
"Your guess is as good as mine. Last night she cried for three hours straight because she came across a comb that Angel'd left in her dorm room and today, it's little Buffy sunshine."
"It is odd," Giles concurred, "but...when people undergo severe trauma to the heart...it's not uncommon for them to also suffer from radical mood swings."
"Whatever you say," Xander muttered as they watched Buffy pick up a throw pillow and begin waltzing around the room with it.
The front door opened again and in walked Willow with a cheery smile on her face. "Hey everyone! We're dancing?"
"Will...hey. And no. We're not. Buffy's the only dancing queen..or any kind of queen, actually," Xander greeted his friend.
"Oh. Well, still. Fun!" She crossed the room and flopped onto the couch, picking up her feet to avoid being stepped on as Buffy continued to jive around the room. "Hey Buff!"
"Willow!" Buffy cried, her eyes flying wide with happiness. "My friend Willow...how are you today? Isn't it a beautiful day? Flowers blooming, sun shining...everything's just wonderful."
"Yes, it is," Willow agreed with a smile. "On the way here I saw the most adorable puppy and got licks on my nose. Every day should have puppy licks to the nose," she decided.
Xander narrowed his eyes. "You're curiously out of the gloom and doom chamber of the love-lorn as well, Will. What gives?"
Willow looked up at him innocently. "What? Can't I just feel better?"
Xander sighed. "Normally, yes, you could. But this is me you're talking to. Yesterday you and Buffy were keeping the Kleenex industry in the red and today it's puppies and sunshine."
"Maybe we're just adjusting," Willow offered simply and grinned at Buffy, who smiled back.
"I suppose," Giles said uncertainly. "Let's get to the reason I called you here. It seems that last night there was a series of murders in the area...the victims were of both demon and human origin...and they were dissected."
"What?" Xander cried, "That's disgusting! So I guess just random murder isn't cutting it anymore? They have to take it up a notch?"
"Obviously, this is serious. I think it's wise if we leave the patrolling up to Buffy from now on."
Buffy snorted. "Oh...who cares?" she asked with a wave of her hand. "Let's not think about stuff like that. I know! Let's go to the carnival over at St. Matthew's church tonight!"
The trio looked at her as if she was crazy. "Buffy, really. Focus," Giles asked her.
"I am! The carnival's only here through tonight. If we don't go tonight, we'll miss it!"
"Yeah, that's funny, Buffy," Xander told her gruffly, and went back to the situation at hand. "I know this is dangerous, Giles, but I'm not large on letting Buffy patrol alone. I mean...with all that's been happening lately..." His meaning did not go uninterpreted.
"Oh...yes...quite right. Well, perhaps then...just one of us at a time, then," the Watcher amended.
"So Xander, you go with her tonight and that way I can make this shin-dig over at the Sigma Phi house," Willow grinned.
"Uh, sure. Buffy, you up for some slayage tonight?" he asked.
"I told you guys! Carnival! It'll be so fun! We can ride rides and play games and win prizes."
"Buffy, come on," Xander sighed.
"Buffy...are you okay?" Willow asked.
"I'm great! I feel happy and wonderful!" the Slayer bounced.
"Ok, this is weirding me out," Xander announced. "She's freaky."
"Buffy, please, calm down," Giles requested. "We've got serious business to attend to."
Buffy cocked her head to the side. "Sure. I'm listening."
"Tonight's patrol is very important. You'll need to keep an eye out for whatever might be killing these people," Giles reminded her.
"Slaying's boring and unpleasant. I want to do something fun," Buffy told him.
The trio exchanged another look. "Does anyone else think she's starting to sound like Anya?" Xander asked, raising his hand.
Buffy giggled.
"Perhaps tonight is not the best night to begin solo-slaying, G-man," Xander suggested.
The Watcher looked at his charge. "No...perhaps not."
*~*~*
"There!" Xander murmured, pointing to something in the distance, on the edge of the tree line. A large form loomed ahead of them, its features hidden in the shadows.
"What is that?" Willow whispered.
"What's what?" Buffy asked loudly, popping up between them.
"Shhh!" they hissed at her, but it was too late. The form turned to them.
"I knew of your approach. You need not lower your voices," it said.
"Hi!" Buffy called, waving. "I'm Buffy."
The figure stepped into the light to reveal a half-man, half-demon hybrid. He was huge, towering over them, and completely disfigured. "Buffy. You are the Slayer."
She nodded. "You've heard of me!"
"Yes," the demon nodded. "You are of interest to me. I wish to see why you are different." He moved closer to her and Xander jumped in between them.
"Back off Frankenstein," he ordered.
Something flickered in the demon's eyes and he thrust an arm out, picking Xander up by his neck and throwing him across the lawn. "You are of no concern to me."
"Hey!" Buffy cried. "That wasn't nice!" She punctuated her statement with a grin. "Say you're sorry."
The demon looked at her curiously. "But I'm not."
"It's rude not to say you're sorry," Buffy told him. "We all should just get along."
"That's great, Buffy," Willow said, fear causing her voice to shake, "but maybe we can save the social commentary for later? You know, after the fighting?"
Buffy wrinkled her nose. "Fighting? We can't fight Willow. That's not fun. It makes people unhappy. Everyone should be happy. Like me!"
"No fighting?" Willow squeaked.
"Then I suggest running," Xander told them, and grabbed both girls by the arms, pulling them behind him as he took off.
The demon watched them run away. "Curious."
*~*~*
"Ok, I for one want to know what the hell is going on here?" Xander shouted as they burst through the front door of Giles' apartment.
"With what?" Buffy asked sweetly.
"With the new Ghandi-attitude you've got, Buffy. You're the Slayer. Without the slaying. You were just the "er" tonight."
Buffy patted him on the shoulder. "Slaying's not fun. It makes me tired, which makes me cranky, and sometimes I get hurt. I don't want to do it anymore. I'm happier that way."
"You might be happier, but we're going to be deader if you keep that up," Xander pointed out.
Buffy shrugged.
Giles came in from the other room, "What happened?"
"We found your demon," Xander told him. "We found it, we even had a little chat with it. He's a Scorpio, likes to fish and hates Thai food. What we didn't do is kill it."
"May I ask why?"
Xander gestured at Buffy. "Buffy's tired of slaying. It doesn't make her happy."
"Happy?" Giles asked, taking off his glasses.
"I just want to be happy!" Buffy told them. "Now can we go to the carnival? That would make me happy."
"What the hey is going on here?!" Xander cried. "Willow? Any theories?"
Willow was seated on the couch, a look of guilt on her face.
"I'd say this is a spell," Giles told them gruffly. "And I'd say Willow knows something about it."
Xander turned from the Watcher to the witch. "It is...isn't it?" he asked her quietly. "I’m so stupid. I don't know why I didn't see it…I guess I didn’t want to… You were both fine, all of the sudden. Except that Buffy's extremely caffeinated. Willow...how could you? After Oz, how could you?!" He was shouting by the end.
"I just wanted to make her better!" Willow shouted back, rising to her feet. "You don't know, Xander! You don't know!"
"Don't know what, Willow?!" he snapped. "How it feels to have your heart broken? Yeah, I think I can get how that might feel. I bet Giles has a pretty good idea of it, too, but we're okay! You get through the pain and you move on. That's how it works. You don't go casting a spell on the people you love every time things aren't going the way you want them to!"
"I was just trying to--"
"Stop it!" Giles snapped. Willow and Xander turned to him. "Willow," he began, his voice low and dangerous. "What spell did you perform?"
Willow glared at him. "To have my will done."
He sighed and closed his eyes. "What specifically did you ask for?"
"That my heart be healed, and that Buffy be happy," she told him reluctantly.
"End it. Now."
"But.."
"NOW!"
"Holy crap," Xander murmured.
"Go Rupert," Spike grinned. "Way to be."
*~*~*
*FLASH!*
Sunnydale, February, 2000
Xander and Buffy walked along the U.C. Sunnydale campus, wrapped warmly in winter coats on a chilly February night.
“Have you heard from her?” Buffy asked him.
He nodded. “She’s okay. Just busy…too busy for us right now I guess. That Wiccan society’s really got her schedule jammed.” He angrily kicked at a stone in their path. “Have you heard from him?”
Buffy nodded, sadly. “Yeah…once. He sent me a letter, just to let me know where he was…he’s in LA, like he said he’d be. Working with Doyle, alone. They're still trying to find Cordy, but so far, no luck. I hope he’s happy,” she said firmly, approaching the rock Xander had kicked ahead and letting it fly with a jab from her boot. The sound of breaking glass tinkled from several yards away.
“That’s it. Feed the rage,” Xander quipped.
“We’re kinda sad, aren’t we?”
“Just a tad, yes,” he agreed.
“How are things with Anya?”
“Ex-demony, to say the least. I dunno. I like her,” he said simply, shrugging.
“That’s good. You should have someone,” she said faintly.
“Yeah…we all should.”
They continued to walk in silence for a while. “I saw Tara the other day,” Buffy told him. “She said to tell you hi. She hasn’t really seen Willow much lately, either. I asked her about that group Will’s involved in. She didn’t seem real happy about it.”
He nodded. “I got that impression from her a few weeks ago when I ran into her with Willow. I think they were arguing about it.”
"I just miss her, Xan," Buffy sighed. "It's just you and me now...not that that's a bad thing," she amended, "but I miss how it was."
"The Scooby core."
She nodded. "Things have just changed so much. We're the only two left."
Xander sighed and looked up at the stars. "It's different, that's for sure."
Buffy stopped in the middle of the walk. "It's Valentine's Day. Why aren't you with Anya?"
Xander hesitated. "I will be later...but I thought...with the way things have been lately...I didn't want my best bud to be alone. I might be all you have left...but you're all I've got too, Buff."
She was moved. "Thank you," she told him, smiling. Reaching up, she hugged him tightly, and he returned the embrace. They pulled away a bit, and looked into each other's eyes, staring for a moment.
"Good hug," Xander swallowed.
"Yeah..." Buffy said faintly.
The electricity around them buzzed as they stood, motionless, staring at each other until, closing her eyes, Buffy waited a beat...and leaned in.
"That's enough," Xander whispered, and turned away from the fire.
"Woah, woah, woah!" Cordelia cried. "You two were gonna kiss! Weren't you?!"
Buffy looked alarmed and shrugged. "Uh..."
Willow was crying. "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh," she murmured. "What did I do?!"
"More importantly, Xander, tell the demon what you're going to do," Anya snapped. "Tell him you choose our world. The world with me in it, as your girlfriend." She shot eye-daggers at Buffy.
Xander hesitated.
"Xander! Tell him!" Anya ordered desperately.
Swallowing hard, Xander looked from one person to the next.
"Xan?" Buffy asked gently.
"I--Angel didn't go to Hell," he said. "And you guys got more time together. And you had your mom for three more months, 'cause you didn't run away."
"But look at everything else, Xander," Dawn told him. "You can't do that...right?"
“In that world Willow got even more addicted to magic, and more quickly,” Tara reminded him. “And Oz still left…even you and Buffy were having problems with her at the end.”
“It looks like I never met up with Angel,” Cordelia murmured. “Or Gunn…or Wesley. We’re not fighting in LA together. And I’m poor.”
Spike laughed. “You can’t seriously be considering this, mate. You don’t even like Angel.”
Xander only looked more upset and confused. No one said anything for a moment, until Angel stepped forward. “I got what I deserved, Xander.”
Xander’s head whipped up. “What? No. I sent you to Hell. Essentially, I killed you.”
“No, I did that to myself. The demon is in me. It deserved the torture. I’m here…I’m back on this earth now. But Jenny isn’t. I killed her.”
“It wasn’t you,” Buffy said tearfully.
“It was by my hand…she was your friend, I know…but she was my friend too, and I killed her. And when I came back…Buffy was still here, Xander. You were all still here.”
The group stood back, amazed to see Angel now trying to comfort the man responsible for his tenure in Hell.
“Hell wasn’t my first choice…but it was what the demon deserved. The man in me…” he glanced around, laying eyes on each member of their group. “The man has more than he deserves right here. Things are the way they’re supposed to be. And I know you. There’s no way you’re going to pick a world where Cordelia's a starving artist, or where Willow's a magic addict. You’re a better person than that. So think of it that way. Your choice that night on Crawford Street didn’t send me to Hell. It saved Cordelia, and Willow…and your relationship with Anya.”
Xander stared at the vampire in shock. Slowly, he nodded. "I'm so sorry, Angel...and Buffy...everyone. I really am. I had no idea. I was stupid, and jealous...and I'm sorry."
Buffy was crying openly and went to her friend, throwing her arms around him. "You don't have to be. But thanks...I've always wondered about that, Xander. Always. If I'd just been a little quicker. If I'd been able to stop him...Now I know."
Xander tried to smile, but couldn't find it in him. Turning to Jackter he gave an almost imperceptible shake of his head and slunk to the outskirts of their circle. Slumping to the ground he buried his head in his arms.
Jackter eyed them all. “Who is next?”
