CLIMBING OUT OF DEPRESSION
He will yet fill your mouth
with laughter
and your lips with shouts of joy. (Job 8:21 NIV)
For many months after the divorce I was unable and
even unwilling to pray. I held God responsible for my accident and the after
effects and, thus, felt betrayed. My outer self was spiritual but inside I
was bitter. I couldn't watch a TV show that had a happy ending, where the
guy gets the girl or where the band played on, without balling my head off.
The inner healing would take a while.
The garage at my parents' house was converted to a
room for me that summer and, needing something to do, I decided to try song
writing again. Even though I felt deserted by God, in my heart I knew He was
still the answer and, furthermore, it was all I knew how to write about. As
I wrote, the inspiration began to flow more freely. I was writing like someone
who had experienced life. God's Perfect Truth was filling me and ministering
to me and every bit of it was pouring out on the pages I wrote. The lyrics
were more insightful. I was writing like I never had before. I was a new
man.
In 1985, I met a Christian singer/songwriter I had
always admired when he was visiting the church I was attending. I asked him
for some advice about getting material out and he ended up coming to my house.
He was very complementary and thought with a little guidance, I could have
what it takes to be a professional lyricist. He went back to Nashville with
a handful of my lyrics and a month or so later I received a call from Star
Song Records (who represented artists such as Twila Paris and Petra), and
for the next couple of years I was a contributing writer to a big time publishing
house. Though nothing I wrote reached the charts, it was a very exciting time
and a dream come true. God had not left me after all. He was still fulfilling
my dreams.
It was long, long climb out of a deep, deep chasm.
As long as I kept looking and reaching upward, God was there to hold my rope.
That is the only way out of depression. Look toward God and all things positive.
Surround yourself with love including what you watch and read for where love
is God is.
In 1986 a settlement was reached with the developers
of the complex where I broke my neck. The man-made lake was clearly an accident
waiting to happen with the signs made such as they were - indicating deep
water where it was shallow. This settlement provided me with the funds necessary
to buy a house and live out on my own (with a personal aide).
By this time, my now ex-wife had called me to ask
me how I was doing and to apologize for the way things turned out. I told
her how much I appreciated her call and that I would be okay. She has since
remarried and has a family. I hold no ill feelings for her and I wish
her nothing but love and happiness. There
were more elements to our separation but it would do no good service to relive
them. I believe it brings honor to God and our mutual faith that we
could live through what we did and remain friends.