Each Monday while I watch Raw, a new article will be written either about current wrestling storylines, or the classic ones we grew up with, or something else wrestling related. At the moment, I am watching Kurt Angle battle Shawn Michaels in a 30-mimute Iron Man Match, where the wrestler with the most victories in 30 minutes wins. So far Kurt Angle is winning 2-1, but maybe Shawn can fight back by the end of this article. Kurt has gotten both of his victories off a finishing maneuver (Angle Slam and Ankle Lock); Shawn Michaels on the other hand got his pin on a rollup.
This got me thinking. How many wrestlers actually win without using their finisher? I remember the days of rollup victories of the early 90's. Owen Hart beat Bret Hart at Wrestlemania X by rollup. Bret Hart beat Mr. Perfect at the first King of the Ring by rollup. And in my most favorite match ever, the 1-2-3 Kid defeated the Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase with guess what... A ROLLUP.
So where did the art of the rollup go? The new generation just doesn't get it. Rollups sell. In fact 75 % of the sales of Fruit Rollups came from kids who go to the candy isle and think to themselves, "Did you see what the 1-2-3 Kid did last night? Roll-ups rule!" But nowadays, no one cares about rollups. Not kids in the super market. Not wrestlers in the WWE!
By the way. Michaels hit the Sweet Chin Music (his finisher) to finish the match in a draw. Too bad he didn't do it with another roll-up. When Shawn Michaels started out, he didn't even have a finisher. Look it up. In all the video games, his finisher was a "Back Suplex," a measly back suplex. But when the "Attitude era" took over with the likes of Stone Cold Steve Austin, so too, did Shawn Michaels get a finisher.
I blame it all on Stone Cold Steve Austin and his Stone Cold Stunner. His finisher was seemingly the only move you could do without even softening up your opponent. Every other move required that your opponent was at least dizzy. Bret Hart needed his man to stay on the ground to put the Sharpshooter on. Razor Ramon needed his opponent to be tired enough so that he could lift him up over his head for the Razor's Edge. Yokozuna needed his opponent to be knocked out so much so that he could pull him into the corner before sitting on his chest with the Banzai Drop. But with Stone Cold, all that was necessary was a kick to the gut. A measly kick to the gut. Stone Cold could be getting killed for the entire match and then get a cheap win with the kick-to-the-gut-stunner-pin-win-drink-beer combo.
Since that point, everyone needed a finisher deadly enough to win...well, initially. Any move you called your finisher led to a pin. So came the Pedigrees (Hunter Hearst Helmsley), the Slop Drops (Henry O. Godwinn), the Rock Bottoms (Rocky Maivia), the Clothesline from Hell (Justin Hawk Bradshaw), the X-factor (X-Pac), and moves just like it.
But then things changed. Wrestlers started picking up moves that would knock no one out. For instance, here are the 5 worst finishers of recent history with brief descriptions (two are pre Stone Cold, but I had to include them anyway):
5) Right Fist (Diesel before the Jacknife Powerbomb)
What it was: Now, if you think "Right Fist" is just a bad name but might have been a good move, check the next line.
What it really was: One punch, with the (drumroll please)....the Right Fist. Not the Left Fist. (That's why he wears just one glove and seems to hold it in every pose he does.) Then Diesel started winning matches and won the World Title with the Right Fist. Nope, just kidding. He started powerbombing people within a month! In fact, Kevin Nash has pinched many a man, but only for that month or so would people get knocked out right away.
4)The Famasser (Bad Butt Billy Gunn)
What it was: the opponent head would be down. Billy would jump up and leg drop you will bent over.
What it really was: merely going face first into the ground with one leg on top of you.
3) Running Forearm (The Narcissist Lex Luger)
What it was: Lex Luger would throw you off the rope, then run into the parallel rope and hit you with the Steel Plate in his Forearm that he got from a motorcycle accident.
What it really was: There was no steel plate, so I guess it was just a forearm. Just as deadly as... a fist. (Edit: I guess there was a steel plate after all.)
T-1) The Worm (Scotty 2 Hotty)
What it was: Scotty would usually set this up with a bulldog. And then do foot fires next to his opponent with his arms spread out like an airplane and a look of constipation. Then we would do the popular breakdance move (the Worm), air chop 3 times diagonally, then air chop vertically in a rapid manner, and then hit the devastating one-handed chop.
What it really was: A lot of wasted time and a silly little chop to the head. It's funny that the bulldog was deadly enough to keep the opponent on the ground for so much tomfoolery, though not deadly enough to be Scotty's finisher.
T-1) The People's Elbow (The Rock, Rocky Maivia) 
What it was: The Rock would stand over you and do a "it's over" type arm gesture. Then he would slowly remove his right Elbow Pad and throw it into the crowd. Then he would run off the ropes, jump over the fallen man, bounce of the next rope, jump over the guy again, bounce off the original rope with a lot of momentum. Then he would waste the momentum by completely stopping and dropping an elbow to the opponent�s sternum.
What it really was: A funny dance. A free elbow pad for a lucky fan. And an elbow.
The Story behind it: Originally, this was a move the Rock used in every one of his matches and never got a pin. He was making his first run as a bad guy and having a ridiculously silly move that just makes fans mad is a good way to get booed. So he would always do it and his opponent would always kick out right away. Then the fans loved the Rock. He began to hit the Rock Bottom (his real finisher) first, then it was understandable that he'd have enough time to do the awesome People's Elbow. But then he started doing the spinebuster to set it up. And by setting it up with a non-finisher, the People�s Elbow became a finisher of its own.
And so, what can WE learn from all of this? Well, I guess it means that everyone needs a finishing move. It is not enough to just bodyslam someone or punch someone (unless that's YOUR finisher). So next time you get mugged on the street, remember that the age old self-defense techniques won�t work. First you must get a finisher, whether it does anything or not. Then you must name it, trademark, and THEN anytime you do it, you win!
For instance, next time someone wants me to hand over my wallet. First I will do a little strut, then run 5 laps around him with a Native American Tribal Dance (just like Tatanka), step on his foot, lift up his chin, and knife-edge chop him in the chest. From all I've learned from the WWF, he would be knocked out and I would take HIS wallet.
Moral of the Story: Create a Finishing Move because punching a head, kicking a groin, and merely running won't save you anymore (unless any of those three are your finishers). So unless you have a finisher it's all over....unless of course...you got a steel chair...
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