We see a beach, it's night time, but there are stage lights set up elaborately so that we can see. There's a spotlight, but no one is visible in it.
Cue crappy ass tribal music. The tape cuts out and suddenly the scene is filled with even crappier Christmas muzak.
Unidentified Irish voice: Oh, for Pete’s sake. Who taped over my music?
(silence)
Irish: Fine. Whatever. (out of the shadows steps…Doyle) Yeah, yeah, I know. I died. Why the hell do you think they gave me the host job? That idiot Probst couldn’t host his way out of a paper bag. And I’m going to get right to the cast introduction before anyone realizes that really made no sense whatsoever. Right, then.
Doyle: I’m going to introduce the Survivors in alphabetical order, because otherwise SOMEBODY would have whined.
Unidentified Whiney Voice: Why couldn’t I go first??
Doyle: Just…just shut up, Harmony. Please. Shut up. (straightens his shirt) Right. First up, we have Angel. Angel’s a souled vampire from L.A. His luxury item was…Oh, hell. You brought hair gel? What the hell’s wrong with you? (shakes head as Angel walks up to stand next to him, on Doyle’s left side.) Fine. Second, Anya, a former vengeance-demon, from Sunnydale. Anya’s luxury item is…a rabbit’s foot. (Anya steps up, to stand beside Angel on the left.) That’s sweet, Anya. Did you bring it for luck?
Anya: No. I brought it as a warning for any bunnies that try to terrorize me.
Doyle: (beat) Right. Ooookay. Now, for Buffy, resident resurrected Slayer, who brought along…a stake. Of course. (Buffy stands on Doyle’s right.)
Next, we have Cordelia, an actress from L.A. Cordelia brought with her…Gucci shoes. Heh. Figures. (Cordy walks up and smacks Doyle upside the head before going to stand on Doyle’s right, with Buffy.)
Also, Darla, a vicious vampire, currently residing in L.A. Darla’s luxury item is…a dagger. Right. Since you’re NOT ALLOWED TO KILL ANYTHING!! (Darla shrugs and walks over to stand on Doyle’s left side.)
And a special hello to the youngest of the bunch, Dawn, a former Key, whose luxury item is a diary. Finally. Something normal. (Dawn grins and stands on Doyle’s right side, looking up at him adoringly.)
And Drusilla, crazy psychic vampire, who brought along…right. She brought big cups of death and cookies. I see. Okay then. Moving right along, yeah? (Dru stands on Doyle’s left.)
Faith, psychotic Slayer, coming to us from Los Angeles Maximum Security Prison, whose luxury item is…Harlot lipstick. Not gonna ask. (Faith moves to Doyle’s right, where she and Buffy exchange glares.)
Fred, a physicist from...Texas, Pylea, and L.A. She brought with her…a Magic Marker. Okay. Sounds relatively normal. (Fred shyly moves to Doyle’s right.)
Giles here, he’s a Watcher, and brought himself a rather large book, called “The Complete Encyclopedia of Demons and Demonic Activity.” (Giles enters with a dump truck, which holds a very very large book, and stands on Doyle’s left.)
Say hi to Gunn, resident Demon killer and all around cool guy, who brought a gameboy as his luxury item. (Gunn, the picture of cool, stands on Doyle’s left side.)
And now, Harmony, a vampire, brought along…a My Little Pony. (Doyle looks at her sideways. She smiles cheerfully and stands on his left.)
And Lindsey, the evil lawyer, whose luxury item is his Evil Hand. (Lindsey stands on Doyle’s left, glaring at Angel, who glares back.)
Lorne, our resident Green demon, who brought with him…oh, crap. You brought your karaoke equipment? What the hell did you do that for? Now Angel’s gonna wanna SING! For Pete’s sake! Are you tryin’ ta kill us? Why would you-“
Lorne: (interrupting) I’m not on Angelcakes’s team, Irish.
Doyle: Right. Okay then. Move along. (Lorne stands on Doyle’s right.)
Angel: (quietly) Is there something wrong with my singing?
Doyle: Moving along now, we have Riley, AKA Captain Cardboard and Soldier boy. (Glare from Riley, who moves towards Doyle’s right). Riley brought with him his army boots. No, that’s not over-asserting your manliness or anything, Pal. By the way, Riley, you’re not on the right, you’re on the left. You’re on that team.
Riley: (Looks at Doyle’s left.) Um…Angel’s on that team.
Doyle: Yeah.
Riley: But I hate Angel. I really hate him.
Doyle: He hates you too, buddy. Doesn’t mean you guys get a choice. Go. Left. (Riley shoots menacing glares at Angel, who does it right back. Of course, Riley doesn’t have the whole menacing-vampire thing going on, so he looks a little like a kitten when glaring against Angel.)
Angel: I really hate that guy.
Guttersnipe-type British voice: Don’t we all, Peaches?
Angel: Shut up.
Doyle: (clearing his throat) Save the rutting of the bulls for later, there, studs. Moving on, AGAIN. Welcome to the show, Spike, AKA William the Bloody, our one and only chipped vampire, who doesn’t mind a little gratuitous nudity for the sake of ratings (not that Robin minded it, heh heh). He brought along a rather large carton of cigarettes, because apparently the undead develop nicotine addictions too. (Spike walks over to Doyle’s right, and sidles up to Buffy, looking her up and down appreciatively before sending a mocking smirk at both Angel and Riley.)
And let’s bring in everybody’s favorite blonde witch, that beautiful wicca, Tara. Tara’s luxury item is an herb jar full of all sorts of magical goodies. (Tara moves to Doyle’s right, smiling softly, and putting an arm around Dawn.)
Now, a warm welcome to Willow, Tara’s ex-honey, the fiery redhead, whose luxury item is her laptop and a promise not to do ANY magic on the island. Well, good to know, Red. (Willow moves to Doyle’s left.)
Next we have Wesley, my own personal replacement. Wes here brought along a rather large stack of prophecies, “just in case”. Come on over, Wes. (Wes moves to Doyle’s right, smiling at Fred.)
Finally, last but not least, we have the Zeppo. The man who fell in love with a few demons here and there. Monkey boy Xander Harris! (Xander shoots him a glare) I didn’t write the cards, Pal. Xander brought with him…also a gameboy. Well. Too bad you and Gunn aren’t on the same team. You coulda traded games. (Doyle rolls his eyes, as Xander steps to his right.)
Okay, folks. This is the cast of Survivor: Buffy Style. On my right, we have the Nancy Boy Tribe; Please give a round of applause to Buffy, Wesley, Fred, Cordelia, Lorne, Xander, Tara, Dawn, Spike, and Faith. Here on my left, we have the Poofter Tribe, please welcome Angel, Gunn, Willow, Anya, Giles, Lindsey, Darla, Drusilla, Harmony, and Riley. Survivors, please make your way to your camps before that pesky sun comes up and half your teammates turn to dust.
Riley: couldn’t we stay a while longer?
Angel: I really hate that guy.
END SCENE ONE
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