SCENE TWO
Poofter Tribe
As each speaker speaks, they are shown on camera, doing a testimonial. Title cards will be shown across the screen.
Angel: When we got to camp, we weren’t exactly getting along. I have a lot of enemies on my team, you know? (Title card pops up: Angel – Souled vampire with poofy hair) I mean, Giles doesn’t really like me, ever since I, you know, tortured him for a few hours. Then there’s Darla and Dru. It’s like a family reunion, except they both want to kill me. I’m not real fond of them either, though. Then, there’s, you know, Riley. I really hate that guy.
Gunn: The tension in this place is thick. Half the team hates Angel. He’s a vamp, but he’s not a bad guy. A big part of our team is. Willow’s not too bad. Don’t know her all that well, seein’ as the only time I ever met her was when she came to tell Angel Buffy was dead. Harmony’s just…stupid. (Title card: Gunn – Demon hunter with chip on his shoulder the size of Manhattan) And if that Anya chick doesn’t shut up, I’m gonna pop her one. I really am. Giles is like, Wes in 15 years. It’s creepy. Way creepy.
Willow: Angel’s different. He’s pretty nice, I guess. He smiles more. Except when Riley’s around. Not that I don’t have a bone to pick with him. He left Buffy all alone. If I were still using magic, I’d turn him into a bunny. Then Anya’s cut his foot off. (Title card: Willow – Retired Witch with a habit of babbling) And I’m really not comfortable with the vampires on the team. I mean, more than once, Harmony, Drusilla, and Darla have tried to kill us all, you know? And Lindsey has that whole Evil Hand thing going on. It’s scary.
Anya: There are bunnies close to our camp. And we’re living with vampires. Sure, somebody cast a spell so they couldn’t hurt us and we couldn’t hurt them, but I’m not very happy about the bunny thing. I wonder if the vampires would eat the bunnies? (Title card: Anya – Former vengeance demon with an unreasonable rabbit-phobia) But that Lindsey man is very good looking. He seems to know money. He probably has a lot of it. I don’t think his hand’s as evil as he says.
Giles: I suppose there’s a great irony in me being on this particular team. I don’t suppose they could have put a Slayer on the team full of vampires, could they? (Title card: Giles – Watcher and general father-figure who is sometimes known to break into the song “Sweet Transvestite” on occasion. He sings the song like he does it professionally.) Luckily, I do have a few teammates that I know well enough to, uh, to not feel entirely uncomfortable. Granted, Willow and Anya have their differences, and lately Willow’s been a bit of a concern, but for the most part, they’re both perfectly pleasant.
Lindsey: I’m on a team with Angel. I hate Angel. That Riley guy hates him too, so I guess he’s a pretty good guy. It’s strange, having Darla and Drusilla here. Darla doesn’t say much. Dru’s just creepy. But not hard to handle. I’m going to stake Harmony. I swear, I will. (Title card: Lindsey – homicidal lawyer with an evil hand) The people from Sunnydale aren’t exactly the crowd I’d have pictured Angel hanging out with back when he was still there. But I’m sure they hate him, too. The British guy, Giles, does, anyway.
Darla: This is stupid. I wish I could eat them. (Title card: Darla - snarky vampire who’s just not nice) (Darla just sits there, refusing to say any more.)
Drusilla: The pretty ocean calls out to my Spikey. It tells me that he’s smitten with the Slayer, still. And that he finally got her into his bed. (Title card: Dru – Psychotic vampire) Oh, the ocean tells me everything. It tells me the winner is going to be—
(shot cuts to Harmony quickly)
Harmony: Wow. I can’t believe I’m on Survivor. I’m going to be famous. (Title card: Harmony – airhead vampire with mucho-airo in her head.) Is there good shopping on the island? Where’s the bathroom? I could use a bubble bath.
Riley: I wanted to be on Buffy’s team. I really don’t want to be on Angel’s team. With all the crazy vampires. (Riley – Initiative soldier, who’s spent the last year in the Republic of Where-in-the-hell) but Angel, man. I really hate that guy.
Nancy Boy Tribe
Buffy: Nobody told me I had to put up with Spike. I’m so tired of all his little comments. (TC: Buffy – Slayer who’s died twice…yet she’s still here. Go figure.) He’s going to tell Xander or Dawn or something. I’m going to stake him if he comes near me again, spell or no spell. And what’s with that Lorne guy? Keeps looking at me and sighing. I might stake him, too.
Wesley: Our team’s dynamic is thrown off only by the tension between Buffy and Spike, Buffy and Faith, and Spike and Xander. (TC: Wes – Rogue Demon Hunter with an inferiority complex) I’d rather not be on Faith’s team, but we’ve all been assured that violence on the island is not allowed. And Faith hasn’t said much, really. I’m going to be on the safe side, and do my best to stay away from her. I’ve instructed Fred to keep her distance, as well.
Fred: This is so strange. I don’t really know anybody here except for Cordelia and Wesley. (TC: Fred – squirrelly physicist) Wesley keeps telling me to stay away from Faith, while Cordelia thinks I should stay away from Spike. Neither of them seem to be too bad. They’re both quiet, like me. Except Spike teases that bonde girl, Buffy. She’s the girl Angel fell in love with. The one who died. I guess she’s not so dead. But I don’t know what he saw in her. She doesn’t seem very happy. She’s always frowning. I think I should tell her she should smile more. I wonder why she doesn’t smile? You’d think Angel would want to be with somebody who smiled a little more. But that Xander fella seems real nice. He’s funny, too. I guess his fiancee’s on Angel’s team, with most of the vampires.
Cordy: It’s dirty here. And I have to be on a team with Xander Harris. And Faith and Spike. Those two give me the willies. (TC: Cordy – PTB billboard and fashion queen) And Buffy’s being all cranky. I mean, she should be happy! She’s alive, right? Although, I think Spike is getting on her nerves. I’d be cranky too if I had to deal with him. He keeps making comments about “bringing down the house”. I wonder if I should tell Angel her ex is boinking one of his arch enemies? Not that he’s lacking in the enemies department.
Lorne: Honeychild, this is quite the experience. There are nine other auras here. I know three of them. (TC: Lorne – empathetic karaoke star) It’s interesting to see the other ones. Let me tell you what I see. Buffy, the little blonde that gets Angel up in knots, has a whole lot of secrets she’s not telling. And she’s hurting. Too bad she came back from heaven different. I would have liked to meet her when she was whole. Xander’s got a good road ahead of him. He’s braver than he thinks, really. Tara? She’s a puzzle. Got that whole “coming into her own” thing going on. And little Dawn. Didn’t think I’d ever get to meet the Key. Hmm. Too bad she’s out of commission. Woulda been neat to read her aura while she was still viable. Then there’s Spike and Faith. Spike, obviously in love with the Slayer, and Faith, obviously hating the Slayer. Both have had some pretty hard times, but I guess it was their destiny. It’ll lead to something better.
Xander: I think there’s something Buffy isn’t telling us about Spike. He keeps making comments. Stupid Deadboy. (TC: Xander – construction worker with a humorous defense mechanism) I hope he plays in the sun. And Faith. Man, I’m not sorry she’s going back to prison after this. Neither is my neck.
Tara: Everybody seems nice. That Fred girl is kind of quiet, but nice. Faith bothers me, a little, but that’s because the only time I ever met her, she was stealing Buffy’s body. (TC: Tara – Wiccan sweetheart) I like Lorne. He seems really nice, and he sings a lot. He keeps telling me I come from bad roots, but I’m a rose. And he calls me honey a lot. I guess he’s psychic or something. Because I never told him about my family.
Dawn: This is so boring. (TC: Dawn – former Key, currently a teenage girl) I mean, most of the people are really cool. Lorne’s funny, and that Fred girl is really sweet. It’s kind of nice to see Cordelia again. She’s nicer now, but still really cool. Plus, I get to be on a team with Xander and Spike. So that’s really fun.
Spike: At least I don’t have to hang around Soldier boy and Peaches. And I get to bug Buffy. She’ll come around, and we’ll be shagging in the bushes by the third day, I’m sure. (TC: Spike – cocky vampire with a chip in his head) I’m going to eat Monkey-boy. Soon. And the squirrelly chit. If that girl babbles on about the probability of each of us winning again, I’m going to eat her. Her lapdog, Wussley, too.
Faith: So I’m stuck on an island with a big group of people that I really hate, and really hate me back. (TC: Faith – crazy Slayer, presently incarcerated in L.A.) Whatever. Maybe they’ll vote me off soon, and I won’t have to deal with them. At least they coulda let me fight. Woulda been nice to kick the crap out of Spike.
END SCENE TWO
SCENE THREE
It’s daylight. The Survivors are standing in the shelter of caves so the vampires don’t catch fire. Doyle enters. He’s carrying a large bucket full of blood and several mugs.
Doyle: (shouting to offscreen) I’m telling ya, this is stupid! Do you honestly think that a bunch of vampires are gonna be squeamish? Please. Dolts. Damned network executives. “Oh, they did it in Africa…” Well, goody for them. (turns to screen) Right. Survivors, for your immunity challenge today, you have to have a member of each team drink a mug of this fresh human blood. (He rolls his eyes) So, Survivors, pick yer teammates.
Spike shrugs and raises his hand, being the only vampire on the Nancy Boy Tribe. The vampires on the Poofter tribe all look at one another for a moment before Dru, Darla, and Harmony race out toward the blood in order to try and drink their fill. However, The three vampires forgot that the sun was out, and all three immediately burnt up. The Poofter tribe all stare in shock, while Spike starts to laugh.
Dawn: Well, that was anti-climactic.
Riley: Okay, Angel, your turn. Run out there into the sun, please.
Angel: I really hate that guy.
Doyle: Well. Okay, then. I guess immunity goes to the Poofter tribe by default. Fine. (He pours half the blood into another container and gives it to Spike. He gives the other container to Angel.) You boys get a nice treat. Nancy Boys, you’ll be at tribal council when the sun sets, won’t you?
Buffy: I guess so.
Cut to Tribal council that night. The Nancy Boy tribe sits on stools while Doyle stands there, looking important.
Doyle: Right, you guys know the drill. Robin’s not going to waste her time writing it out. Basically, vote for who you want to leave.
The tribe all vote, and Doyle reads out the votes.
Doyle: Faith. Faith. Faith…Faith…Buffy…Faith….Spike…Faith…Xander…Faith. Well, that’s seven votes for the crazy girl. You’re outta here, chickie.
Faith: Thank god. (leaves)
Doyle: Let’s talk about the voting. Who voted for Buffy? (nobody comes forth) Okay, obviously Faith. Not that anybody’s surprised. Who voted for Spike? (Buffy raises her hand.)
Spike: Oh, I’m hurt. (sarcastic)
Doyle: and Xander? (Spike raises his hand)
Doyle: Right. Just so we know what’s going down with the voting. See you all tomorrow on Survivor: Buffy Style!!
(Tribal music plays…interrupted by Barry Manilow singing “Copa Cabana”)
Doyle: Dammit!
END SCENE THREE
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