Doyle stands in front of a scenic beach at sunset. He looks solemnly into the camera.
Doyle: Yeah…so…we’ve been AWOL for a coupla months. There’s not real reason for it, other than unlike Riley, Robin didn’t have a tick on her ass spurring her on. She had stuff to do, and she did it, and now she’s decided to pick this up. (wild cheers from no one in particular) And she’s hot.
The camera pans out to show a row of targets with crossbows sitting beside a yellow line about 20 yards from the targets. The Nancy Tribe and the Poofter Tribe walk up to the line and face Doyle.
Doyle: So…for once, we have a decent challenge. But before we start…Riley. How’s that tick?
Riley: It’s still on my ass.
Angel: Good.
Riley: (muttering so Angel can’t hear him, who does anyway with his vampiric hearing) Hope you enjoy the one I planted in your bed.
Angel: I don’t have a circulatory system, Dumbass. It won’t bite me.
Riley: I really hate that guy.
Doyle: You guys are like three-year-olds. I mean, seriously. Quit fighting over Buffy. She’s boffing Spike.
The entire group, barring Cordelia, looks at Doyle in shock.
Doyle: What? Like it was a secret? (Spike stands there smugly, while Xander, Riley, and Angel all turn on him menacingly.)
Doyle: Save it, boys. Time for the challenge. Here’s the deal. See the crossbows? Each member gets a shot. Since the Nancy tribe has more members, the Poofter tribe has to pick 3 people to go twice. The team with the most missed bull’s eyes goes to Tribal council. Surivors, ready!
The teams mumble and pick up crossbows. They shoot at the targets. On the Poofter tribe, Anya and Willow each miss two bull’s eyes. On the Nancy tribe, Dawn, Tara, Lorne, Xander and Buffy all miss. Buffy misses because Spike slaps her ass as she takes her shot. She glares.
Doyle: Nancy Tribe! See you at Tribal council!
Back at the Nancy Tribe camp…
Buffy: I’m voting for Spike. He made me miss.
Wes: I suppose I’ll be voting for Spike. He’s fairly evil.
Fred: Oh, I’m definitely voting for Spike. That’s what our alliance decided, and I’m loyal because that’s what they teach you in Texas, where I’m from, and nobody’s gonna tell me otherwise! (she giggles adorably)
Cordy: Spike. He’s evil. And I think everyone else is voting for him.
Lorne: Well, now, I think it’s time for Spike to go, if we want to win this thing. This fighting is getting on my last nerve. (breaks into a rendition of “David Duchovny” by Bree Sharp)
Xander: Spike’s outta here. Evil dead guy.
Tara: I think Spike has to go, because Xander might kill him, otherwise, spell or not.
Dawn: I don’t want to vote Spike off. Since everyone else is going to, I’m voting for….Buffy. Because I can.
Spike: Voting for the yappy chit. Fred, or whatever. I’m sick and tired of her writing physics formulas on the walls of all our cave-huts. It’s bloody creepy.
At Tribal Council…
Doyle: So…we’ve already tallied the votes. Buffy. Why don’t you tell me why you voted the way you did?
Buffy: Spike’s evil.
Doyle: (rolling his eyes) (under his breath) Well, you’re the one who slept with him. More than once. (brightly) Spike! What do you have to say to that?
Spike: Er…thanks?
Doyle: (beat) Right. Sorry, Spike. Seven votes for you. Bye!
Spike: Oi! I’m offended!
Doyle: Save it, Bleachboy. See you for the final episode.
Spike: Bloody right. (leaves)
Doyle: Okay. Back to your camp, and we’ll see you tomorrow for the next challenge.
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