He wanted a relationship with Spike. He didn’t know how or why, but he knew that was what he wanted. He just didn’t know what Spike wanted. Somehow, he couldn’t picture the vampire in a nice, normal relationship. Not that Xander had ever had a normal relationship in his life. Cordy, Anya…neither was normal. But he’d had fun with them at the time, anyway. He’d been in love with both of them, he knew, but the love had faded. Changed, into something less passionate, less consuming. Less than Spike.
Where had that thought come from? He barely knew Spike. Xander used to think, back before Spike had left Sunnydale, that he knew the vampire. He’d known he was a soulless, bloodsucking demon who was hell-bent on ruining their lives. He’d known that Spike was eerily obsessed with the Slayer, had tortured them endlessly, but had shown extraordinary loyalty to help them when they truly needed him. Xander thought back to the incident that had finally prompted Spike’s desertion.
“You fucked her. You broke her. Happy now?” Xander had spit at the vampire as Buffy sat, rocking back and forth on the floor. Xander and Anya had entered the Summers living room, and heard the argument taking place between the Slayer and the vampire. They’d slept together, and Buffy never wanted to see him again. Then she’d broken down crying, and Xander had stepped in.
“I didn’t bloody break her,” Spike had shot back, glaring. “She was already broken.”
“You took advantage of her, Spike. You used her, like you use everyone. You say you love her. If you really loved her, you wouldn’t have done this. You wouldn’t have hurt her like this, just because you can’t hurt her with your fangs.”
Anya had watched on in silence.
“Oh, but that’s the beauty of it, Harris,” Spike had replied, laughing hollowly. “Is I CAN hurt her. I can hit her, and kick her, and rip her bloody throat out without a peep from the bloody silicon in my head.” Xander was speechless for a moment, looking at Buffy for confirmation. Buffy was in no state to give it, as she cried quietly, burying her face in her hands.
“H…how?” Anya said, shocked out of her silence.
Spike had smirked at her, and Xander took a protective step forward. “First, I thought maybe she’d come back wrong. That she was a little less than human after Red’s latest supernatural debacle, or that somehow you bloody idiots fucked up your little spell. But that wasn’t it. I know what it is now. Buffy. Doesn’t. Want. To. Live. She wants to be hurt, and bleeding, and dead. And that’s why the chip didn’t mind if I hurt her. Because she already hurts too much when you all try to pretend everything’s hunky-dorey.”
“That’s bullshit, Spike. You know it is,” Xander had said, though he wasn’t quite sure that it was himself. Spike said nothing, daring Xander to try something.
Xander had stepped forward. “You leave town now. You don’t come back. Not ever. You leave, you go find a life somewhere, I don’t care. But if you ever come near Buffy again, I’ll stake you. You can’t hurt her anymore.” Spike had stared at Xander, neither backing down, for long moments before Spike had finally turned on one heavy boot and stalked out the door, leather duster flapping in the wind as he walked briskly, angrily down the street. That was the last Xander saw of him.
Until L.A. At the Purple Onion. After Spike left, Buffy had spiraled through her depression, eventually coming to terms with herself and her life. She’d grown closer to her friends again, and Willow had given up magic completely. Now she did the occasional spell with Tara, but only to help Buffy with her slaying. It had taken a lot, but when Amy had died, she’d finally seen what she’d been doing. Buffy saw what Willow went through, and realized that if Willow could claw her way back to the land of the living, so could the tiny slayer. So Buffy had turned to Angel for help. The two had grown closer and closer.
They weren’t a couple, of course, because both were to stubborn to just give in and admit that they wanted to be together. But Angel had helped Buffy see that everything on earth wasn’t hard and cold and violent, and Buffy had become Buffy again. Somewhere in the back of Xander’s mind, he knew that if Buffy hadn’t sunken so far as to sleep with Spike in the first place, she might not have healed.
Then, through the years, Xander realized he didn’t blame Spike at all. He still couldn’t justify what had happened, but Spike had been right. Buffy had fallen so far into her despair that she was sure to die, anyway. Sleeping with Spike had been a final cry for help, for life, for feeling. And now…now, Buffy was happy. They were all happy. Even Xander, who’d been alone for the last year, with no one, was happy. Because now he kind of had Spike.
A knock at the door interrupted Xander’s thoughts. He stood up and went to the door, curious as to who would be knocking at ten ‘o clock at night on a Sunday, but not worried. He opened the door, and a grin spread across his face when he saw Spike standing there.
Wordlessly, Spike stared into Xander’s dark eyes, but didn’t ask to be invited into Xander’s home.
“Spike. Come in,” Xander said hastily, after he realized that Spike couldn’t enter without the invitation. Spike sent him a wry smile and stepped into the dimly lit hall. He looked around the room, taking in the smooth, adult décor.
“Nice place,” Spike commented. Xander smiled in thanks.
“Thanks. Want anything? I don’t have any blood, or anything, but I do have beer, and water.”
“Not thirsty,” Spike said, staring at Xander’s mouth. Xander started to breath a little heavier, and his heart started to beat a little faster.
“Oh,” Xander breathed. Then Spike’s mouth was on his, and he was silenced. Spike’s cool lips slid over his, that cool tongue sneaking into his accepting mouth and dueling with his own. Xander let out a little whimper, not feeling at all manly in that moment. Then Spike pressed his body forward and ground his hips into Xander’s.
Xander felt the pressure of Spike’s insistent hard-on straining against his own, and he gasped, breaking his mouth away from the kiss. Spike licked at his jaw, moving lower, to lick at his neck. Xander looked up at the ceiling.
“Xan,” Spike sighed, suckling against Xander’s pulse point. Xander wrapped a hand around the blonde’s head, pressing him closer into the curve of his throat. Spike let out a rumbling purr, his arms sliding around Xander’s waist, holding the human closer to him.
“I don’t get it,” Spike said between kisses to Xander’s neck. Xander had to really concentrate on the words. Spike’s mouth was doing wonderful things to his skin.
“What?” Xander replied breathlessly, a tiny moan sliding out of his open mouth when Spike nibbled on his earlobe.
“Why do I want you so much?” Spike asked, not stopping his ministrations. “I mean, you’re just human. You’re a gorgeous specimen of human, but you’re human. You’re not…why can’t I control myself?” Spike’s mouth attacked Xander’s again, and Xander’s reply was lost in a muffle as their tongues met and danced again.
“What’s that?” Spike asked, lifting Xander’s shirt over his head and licking at his hard chest.
“I said…ah…whatever it is, it must be contagious,” Xander hissed, clutching at Spike’s shoulders. Spike chuckled as he scraped his blunt teeth against Xander’s nipple. Xander moaned in response.
“Wanna ask you something, pet,” Spike muttered against his chest, his tongue snaking out again to draw a lazy pattern against the heaving flesh.
“Ask away,” Xander panted, lifting at the hem of Spike’s shirt. Spike stepped back enough to let Xander rid him of the offending article of clothing before pressing their hard torsos together and nipping gently at Xander’s lips.
“Here’s the thing,” Spike murmured, tasting at Xander’s lips. “I want you. A lot. More than I’ve wanted anybody, ev…in a long time.” Spike’s blue eyes flickered, but he continued on. “And I’d like to have you. I know you want me.” Spike emphasized this last by pressing his hips into Xander’s hard member, and Xander let out a strangled breath. “What I want to know is, are you ready to be had, or do I have to play the noble gentleman and tempt you into my arms? Or are you gonna save me the trouble?”
Xander just stared at him for a moment. Spike was asking him if he wanted to have sex. It was obvious. But what was Xander going to tell him?
“Now?” he finally squeaked. “Tonight?” The last word came out a little stronger.
“I was thinking along those lines,” Spike said, smirking against Xander’s lips. They stared into each other’s eyes. Spike sighed. “I’m not gonna hurt you.”
“I didn’t think so,” Xander protested, grabbing more tightly to Spike’s arms, afraid the vampire was going to step away and break the contact.
“Bollocks.”
“I know you won’t hurt me. And not just because you can’t.” They shared another intense look before Xander tentatively pressed his mouth against Spike’s again, sipping at his lips gently. Spike moved his lips against Xander’s, but let the human have all the control. Then Xander started to push him backwards.
Spike was ready to walk away. Xander was pushing him back. He didn’t want this. But…they were still kissing. It took Spike a moment to realize that Xander wasn’t pushing him away…he was guiding him. When Spike felt the couch against the back of his legs, he sat down and pulled Xander on top of him. Soon, Xander was lying on top of Spike, their mouths pressed together passionately, lust fueling roaming hands and dueling tongues.
Xander began to pull at the buttons of Spike’s fly, and Spike’s hands grabbed his wrists.
“Xan?” he asked, breathing heavily, even though it wasn’t necessary. Xander looked deep into Spike’s eyes. “I need to know. Are you sure you want this? Because there’s going to be a point where I’m not going to be able to stop. I’m already nearly there as it is. Are you sure?”
Xander didn’t say a word. He bent his head to Spike’s neck, never taking his eyes off the vampire’s blue orbs. Then he pressed his hot mouth against Spike’s neck and gently took the flesh in between his teeth. His tongue teased the pinched skin, and then he pressed his teeth down harder, eliciting a moan and a thrust upwards from the cool body underneath him.
“Answer your question, Spike?” Xander said, licking at the purple love bite. His hands went back to the vampire’s jeans, undoing the fly and releasing his straining erection.
“Jesus, Xan,” Spike finally breathed, capturing the human’s mouth with his. They kissed while Spike tried to wriggle further out of his jeans. Then his hands deftly undid Xander’s pants, and pushed them down, along with the plain white jockey shorts. When the two men were skin on skin, they stared into each other’s eyes before diving back into the kiss. Their hips thrust against each other, the delicious friction driving them both mad. Spike reached between them and grabbed hold of both of their cocks, pumping his hand up and down them together, and Xander cried out at the pleasure. His eyes were shut tightly in ecstasy, but he opened them and lifted his head from the curve of Spike’s neck, looking straight into the vampire’s bright blue eyes. The second their eyes met, both men let out a simultaneous cry, jerking their hips and coming with more force than Xander had previously thought possible.
They lay there panting, trying to sink back into reality. Spike leaned his lips up to Xander’s, nibbling at his breathless lips. Xander returned the kisses as he came back to himself, and higher brain functions started to come back to his mind.
“Spike?” he finally croaked against his new lover’s lips.
“Yeah, Xan?” Spike replied quietly.
“That was…” he trailed off.
“Yeah, luv. It was,” Spike agreed. They kissed again, gently.
