Dedication: Wajoma, you made the picture. Lazuli, you told people to write based on the picture, which made me want to, but I didn’t know what. Then you helped me get through all the parts that were giving me trouble. Meg, you gave me the plot bunny. The following ensued.




“You serious?”

“I wouldn’t have asked, otherwise,” Xander replied, still not looking up from the floor. The silence stretched on, heavy in the air, until Xander finally cast his one good eye up, across the sofa to his lover. “Spike?”

“I’m thinking.”

“What’s there to think about? Either you want to, or you don’t,” Xander replied sullenly, standing to leave the room.

Spike grasped his wrist gently. “Why d’you want me to? Feed your inferiority complex?” A finger swept oh-so-softly across the black leather of the patch strapped around Xander’s eye, and he flinched back, without meaning to. He always flinched back when someone touched his patch. Jokes and the like were fine, but a gentle, loving or sympathetic touch? Those, Xander couldn’t handle.

“You think that’s what this is about?”

“Xander, you just asked me to tie you up and beat you.”

“It’s not about… Just never mind, okay?”

“No, I won’t never mind. I didn’t say I wouldn’t do it, but I want to know why.”

“It’s… I don’t really know how to explain it. Don’t you ever want to just let go of everything and let someone else take care of it? Decide what you should and shouldn’t be punished for?”

Can we rest now?

“I might know something about that, yeah,” Spike murmured. “But I can’t see what you, of all people, need to be punished for, Xan.”

Willow said…kick his ass.

We can't start over. If this is a mistake, it's forever, and ... I don't want to hurt you. Not that way.

Then you can't stay here. Buffy I love you, but you're right... we have to be together on this. You can't be a part of it.

That’s my girl. Always doing the stupid thing.

Xander’s grin was rueful, bitter. “You don’t have to see.”

“Xan, are you sure?”

“I know it’s not… normal. But I just… I think I might feel better for it.”

Spike’s fingers ghosted over the patch again, and this time Xander held back most of the flinch. He knew eventually he’d have to get over that, but for now, he was still uncomfortable. A year later, but maybe it would get better. He knew Spike did it as a sign of affection, trying to make him comfortable with it by touching it, making it no big deal. Knowing that didn’t help.

“You been keeping everything inside? How long?”

Xander hesitated. “Depends what I was keeping. Some of it…8 years. Some from last year?”

“I swear, Xander, if you’re blaming yourself for this…” the fingers swept over the patch again, less gentle, and Xander flinched fully this time at the unexpected touch.

“I’m not. That’s not it. Other stuff from last year.”

“Gonna tell me what?”

“Will you still do it if I don’t?”

Spike hesitated this time. “We’re not supposed to do that. Keep things back.”

“You tell me everything about your life?”

“Not the point, luv.”

“Completely the point, Spike! The deal was we wouldn’t keep stuff back about our relationship. This isn’t about our relationship, it’s about me.”

“So now you’re not a part of our relationship?” Spike asked coldly.

“That’s not what I meant, and you know it, Spike.” Xander took a deep breath and turned, taking a few steps away from his lover. His back was slumped, and more than slightly tensed. “I don’t want to fight, Spike. Just…will you?”

Spike took a long time to answer. Normally, Spike didn’t mind a bit of rough in the bedroom, but the idea that his lover needed it was unsettling.

“If it’s what you need,” he finally replied. Xander turned to face him, one brown eye flashing with triumph and embarrassment.

“It is.”

Spike nodded, and sat back down on the sofa. He pulled a pack of cigarettes from the table beside him and lit it, taking a deep drag. Xander moved to sit on the other side of the sofa, while Spike rhythmically lifted his left hand to his lips, inhaling and expelling smoke into the strained air.

He eventually stubbed the butt of his smoke into the ashtray on the coffee table and turned to Xander, who had been sitting silently for the five minutes it took Spike to finish his cigarette.

“Strip.”

Xander stood and immediately complied, keeping his eye downcast. When he was naked and half-hard, he waited for Spike’s next instruction.

“I’m waiting.”

“And I’m naked. You told me to strip and I did,” Xander replied, confused.

“Patch, too, luv.”

Xander didn’t move.

Spike waited.

Xander’s shoulders tensed, his fists clenched, and his erection waned, but he didn’t move to divest himself of the black leather patch covering his left eye socket.

“If you’re gonna play, Xan, play proper. Take off the patch.”

For a moment, Xander didn’t move. With a shuddering breath he finally, reluctantly reached up and slid the patch off. He turned his face, so the left side was hidden.

“Look at me.”

Xander hesitated again, but inevitably looked at his lover. His eye held an unshed tear, his face a flush of shame.

“You don’t need to be ashamed, love,” Spike said, standing and cupping the left side of Xander’s face. A slight tan line showed where the strap of the patch had rested against the side of Xander’s face, and Spike’s soft thumb caressed the mark gingerly. “This is a part of who you are. A part of what made you the man that I fell in love with. It’s an injury, and a gallant one at that. It’s not a scarlet letter.”

“It’s…”

So you’re the one who sees everything, right? Let’s see what we can’t do about that.

“What is it, Xander?”

“It’s hideous,” Xander mumbled in response.

“What is it, Xander?”

“It’s…”

Spike waited.

“It’s an injury.”

“A righteous injury, love. It’s not hideous.”

Xander didn’t reply, but his shoulders relaxed slightly.

“Go into the bedroom.”

Xander turned, gratefully, away from Spike, and walked into the bedroom swiftly. Spike waited a moment, collecting himself, steeling himself for what was to come, before following.

Xander was standing beside the bed, head down, hands clasped in front of his groin.

“Lay down on your stomach.”

Xander moved onto the bed, laying flat on his stomach. His face was turned to the right, the left half of his face hidden in the pillow. Spike didn’t miss the significance of which side of Xander’s face was hidden from view, but he understood that he couldn’t push Xander too far in revealing his injury.

Spike stripped and moved to the side of the bed. Xander dipped slightly with the mattress as Spike sat beside his body, but remained still.

Spike’s hand smacked roughly against the skin on the back of Xander’s thigh. A bright red mark surfaced, outlining the shape of Spike’s hand.

Xander gasped. “Spike?”

“What?” Spike asked, his hand raised for another slap.

“Shouldn’t I be…tied…down?”

Do you trust me?

“Are you sure you want to…?”

“I think…yeah, I think so.” Spike could see Xander’s face flushing with shame again. He shook his head of memories and stood, moving to the top drawer of the dresser. He pulled out two of Xander’s silk ties, and carried them back over to the bed.

“Arms out,” Spike said, his stomach roiling.

Xander complied, grasping the bedposts at the corners. Spike wrapped the ties around his hands and the posts, so that his fingers remained wrapped around the polished oak. Spike smelled the sharp tang of arousal in the air from his lover, a scent that would normally have his own cock standing at attention. Spike’s cock remained flaccid. The vampire swallowed roughly, attempting to keep the contents of his stomach. Spike made sure that the ties were tight enough to appear as though they were binding his lover to the bed, but loose enough that with a little bit of effort, Xander could wriggle free. He wanted Xander to wriggle free.

“Now, Spike,” Xander whispered, tension cording his muscles.

Spike steeled himself, and lifted his hand again. His smooth palm smacked loudly against the flushed skin of Xander’s buttock, and Xander moaned. Spike closed his eyes, unable to look at the red, hand-shaped welt rising slowly on his lover’s flesh.

“Harder,” Xander moaned. Spike’s teeth clenched violently, and his hand slapped against reddening skin harder.

“Spike…harder…make me feel it,” Xander hissed out.

I’m gonna make you feel it!

Ask me again why I could never love you!

A breathless sob had Xander looking up sharply in confusion, blearily blinking the haze of desire from his eye.

“Spike, what…?” he tried to ask, but before the second word was completely out of his mouth, Spike was scrambling backward, stumbling to the floor but not slowing down for a moment in his swift departure.

When Spike fled the room, Xander began to wrench his arms, attempting to free his wrists. His erection had deflated, and showed no signs of returning as he listened to the sounds of his lover sobbing.

Finally, Xander was able to free his right wrist, and loosened the tie around the left before jumping off the bed and out of the room in search of his lover.

Xander found Spike curled into the meager space between the wall and the side of the toilet in the bathroom. His hands covered his face, but they did nothing to muffle the sounds of the blonde’s sobs.

“Stop, baby, shh…” Xander was on the floor, kneeling in front of him, warm hands tracing pale, trembling shoulders. “Come out of there, baby, come on out.” Xander’s voice was soft and coaxing, and he was able to gently pull Spike from his refuge, and into the middle of the bathroom floor. His arms went around the shaking body immediately, gently caressing cool biceps. He rested his cheek on Spike’s shoulder blade.

“Spike, I’m sorry, I didn’t… I never should have…”

Spike’s hand slid up his own arm to rest over Xander’s before he entwined their fingers. “No, Xan, not you…” he gasped out between sobs.

“Shh… S’okay, Spike, don’t…” Xander bit his lower lip, blinking his eye rapidly to try and stave the tears that threatened to fall for his darling.

“You didn’t…I didn’t cuz she stopped me but you weren’t gonna stop me and I might have done it cuz you weren’t there to stop me…”

Xander knew Spike was babbling, and he suspected he knew what Spike was babbling about, but the raw pain in that hoarse voice had him squeezing the cool body to him a little bit tighter. “Shh…honey, shh…”

Xander let Spike grip his hand, a few tears rolling down his cheek as Spike continued to weep.

Eventually Spike calmed, and Xander peppered gentle kisses across his smooth back, kissing away his own tears.

“Why didn’t you just say ‘no’?” Xander finally asked.

“Couldn’t…” Spike said after a moment. “Wasn’t about me.”

“Dammit, Spike, everything is about you.”

“No. That was…that was for you. I couldn’t even…I’m sorry.”

“You’re…what?”

“I’m not…You’d think, at a hundred and twenty-eight years old, I’d be able to do a little role-play, but I never was any good at making people happy…”

“Spike, stop it,” Xander said, turning Spike around to face him and pressing those same feather-gentle kisses across the skin of tear-stained cheeks. “You make me so happy…”

“Not…can’t be what you want…what you said you needed…”

“You’re what I want. What I need. That’s all, Spike. My Spike.”

Spike’s mouth was on his, suddenly, sucking and plundering, as if Spike was trying to crawl deep inside him. Xander knew they needed to talk more about this, that the conversation was far from over, but the desperation in Spike’s kiss was enough to push the urge to stop away. He could tell from the starving way Spike’s mouth moved over his, claimed his, that Spike didn’t need conversation right now. He needed a physical connection.

“I need you,” Xander whispered breathily when Spike tore his mouth away to nuzzle at the young man’s pulse point. His tongue laved the area roughly, and his teeth nibbled the skin. Xander’s hands roamed alabaster skin without hesitation, and Spike moaned against his throat. The vibration tickled his skin, and Xander decided turnabout would be fair play. His hand slid down Spike’s washboard stomach, past his navel, until his fingers were lightly brushing the wiry hairs at the base of Spike’s hard cock. A light whimper from Spike’s throat had Xander bestowing mercy, and his hand wrapped around the thick root, slowly stroking up the shaft and back down again.

“I need you,” Xander whispered again as he pressed Spike back into the floor, following him with his own body. Xander supported himself on one arm while the other continued it’s slow, torturous stroking.

Spike moaned and leaned up to claim his lover’s mouth again, his fingers digging into Xander’s back sharply. Xander moaned into Spike’s mouth and thrust his hips forward, sliding his erection into a sharp hipbone.

“I need you, so much,” Xander murmured into that sweet mouth. Suddenly Spike’s hand was grasping for lubricant, coming up with Vaseline from the counter.

“Show me,” he groaned roughly, shoving the container into Xander’s chest.

Xander removed his hand from Spike’s leaking cock and took the lid off the tub, dipping his fingers in immediately. Spike wrapped his thighs around Xander’s waist, opening himself when Xander’s insistent fingers breeched his hole. Both men moaned as Spike’s muscles tightened around the intrusion, and Spike’s hips thrust up to take more. Xander took more of the Vaseline and slicked up his cock, entering Spike with one strong thrust.

“I need you,” Xander grunted as his hips began to piston roughly, and Spike cried out.

Spike’s fingers dug into Xander’s back, and he knew he was drawing blood, but the sensations were so intense he didn’t care. Xander’s thrusts were hard, and Spike could feel the blunt head of his lover’s cock pounding into his prostate, erasing everything but pleasure from both their minds.

“Fuck, Spike…” Xander wailed, his hips speeding up even more.

“Xan…please…yes, Xan, so good…love…you’re so good…” Spike mumbled nonsense as his neck arched back, and Xander’s teeth scraped against his jugular. Suddenly everything was white, and Spike could feel his cock explode in pleasure. Xander keened, and Spike felt heat and wetness spurting inside him. He moaned again, his channel grasping, milking every drop from his lover’s erection.

Xander’s head dropped down to Spike’s shoulder, his muscles slowly loosening. Spike’s fingers and thighs slowly loosened their hold on Xander, and his head fell back. He blinked a few times, and suddenly burst out laughing.

“Mm?” Xander asked, not lifting his head.

“Er…how’d we end up in the hallway?”

Xander lifted his head and peered around.

“You’re gonna have rugburn on your back.”

“And my ass. Probably your knees, as well.”

Xander chuffed. “Wanna hit the bed?”

“Wanna stay here. You inside me. Don’t move.”

“Works for me.” Xander leaned down and gently kissed his lover. “Love you,” he whispered with a fond smile.

Spike was already asleep.


END


Episodes used: Beneath You, Becoming II, Hell’s Bells, Empty Places, Chosen, Dirty Girls, Dead Things, Seeing Red