Title: Sandbox

Authoress: Robin the Crossover Junkie

Rating: R for naughty suggestions and language, but no actual action.

Spoilers: REALLY not.

Summary: “Spike, my dearest darling? Why is there a sandbox in our kitchen?” “Wasn’t very well gonna put it in the bedroom, was I?”

Disclaimer: ME and its affiliates own any and all Buffy related things. I own Joe.

Dedication: To the resident Sheep for the plot bunny, whose teeth she sharpened herself, and for rydarling for naming Joe.

Authoress’ Note: I asked Sheep for a quick plot bunny. She sharpened its teeth, told me “Spike. Xander. Sandbox.” The bunny bit my ass, really hard, and latched on, and THIS came out. I apologize now.





“Spike, my dearest darling? Why is there a sandbox in our kitchen?”

“Wasn’t very well gonna put it in the bedroom, was I?”

Xander pinched the bridge of his nose lightly, taking his eyes off his lover and looking up at the ceiling. “Yes, sweetheart, but is there a reason we have a sandbox at all?” he asked sweetly.

“Need somewhere to put Joe, don’t I? Not gonna make him sleep in the bathtub.”

“Who the hell is Joe?” Xander asked.

“Got a pet,” Spike replied evasively.

“I swear to God, Spike, if you tell me you bought a snake or something else similarly slimy, creepy, or crawly, I won’t fuck you for at least a week.”

Spike snorted derisively and rolled his eyes, giving Xander a duh-look. “Like I’d do something stupid like that. What d’you take me for? I’m not some pillock off the street, Xan. Know what I’m doin’, don’t I?”

Xander was nonplussed. “Who the hell is Joe?”

“Eh mmfpmng.”

“I’m sorry, it’s time for round two. You’re going to have to uncover your mouth, contestant number one, and try hitting your buzzer a little bit louder. Who. The hell. Is Joe?”

“Eh… Joe’s a camel.”

And Xander laughed. When Xander looked as though he might not breathe for long, Spike began to pout. “Cut it out. Joe’s my pet camel and he followed me home and I love him and I wanna keep him forever and ever.”

Xander laughed harder. “A….a camel….a camel f-followed…followed you…h…h…home!” he said through his laughter.

“S’not funny.”

Xander was suddenly serious. “No, it’s not. A camel didn’t follow you home. Did you steal it from the zoo? You did, didn’t you. You stole it…you…” Xander began to laugh uncontrollably again. “You went in…and you broke into the cage, and you…you…took the camel and you…” He was unable to finish the sentence. He could just imagine Spike breaking into the cage, covert and sly, like James Bond in leather.

Spike was pouting. “Did not.”

Xander gave him an amused, questioning look.

“Had to get the sandbox first, was gonna get him tonight,” Spike explained, which sent Xander into another peal of laughter.

Finally he calmed down. “Spike, you are not stealing a camel from the zoo, and you are getting rid of this sandbox right now,” Xander said with a glare.

“But Xan…” Spike whined.

“No. We are not keeping a camel in our apartment, and we are not having a sandbox in the kitchen!”

“Come on, Xan…it’d be fun. We could play in the sand…”

“No.”

“S’like making love on a beach and all…”

“Sand in bad places, Spike,” Xander reminded his vampire.

Spike took on a sudden, lecherous gleam in his eye. “That’s all the fun, though, ain’t it? Get dirty, gotta clean up…”

“Or I could just stay clean.”

“If you let me fuck you in the sandbox, I’ll show you how to use the massaging shower head…” Spike wheedled. His face showed none of the triumph he was feeling when Xander’s eyes dilated and turned nearly black with sudden desire.

“Uh…” Xander said wittily. He couldn’t understand why he just couldn’t win for once. Just once. Then Spike would cheat, and all hope would be lost, and they would wind up with a sandbox in the kitchen, as usual, and it wasn’t fair.

“Come on, Xan…” Spike coaxed.

“Uh…” Xander repeated. “Get the lube?”