Legend:

Xander’s POV
Spike’s POV
Song Lyrics


Spike doesn’t laugh. Well, he does, but not often. Sometimes he does, but it’s not much. More of an amused snort. Or an evil chuckle. But when we’re alone, I can get him to laugh. I start off with the classics. A comment on something we’re watching on television. Then I break out the big guns. I’ve trained myself to babble on command, and it’s the one thing that makes Spike really, really laugh.

Tonight, we’re watching some gore movie. We watch as the villain stabs his hand through the chest of a random victim and pulls his heart out of his chest. I carefully construct my face into a mask of puzzlement, and wait.

Finally, Spike sighs and turns to me. “What?”

“You can’t put your hand through a guy’s chest.”

“Yes you can.”

“No. It just isn’t possible.”

“It is so.”

“No, Spike, it isn’t.”

“Is so! I’ve bloody well done it myself!”

“Yeah, but you’re a vampire! Normal humans can’t do that!”

“Can so! Xander, you can’t argue with me about this.”

I barely suppress my grin. I’ve got him, hook, line, and sinker. “Of course I can argue with you about this. I don't have any experience. Now, if you were asking about chocolate, that I am very experienced in. Chocolate is the best thing to ever hit my taste buds. Yes, even better than that. But if you combine the two, well, that's a new taste sensation. Even better is when I cover you in chocolate and lick it off cause that's better than licking it off my own arm when I spill the fondue and while it's still chocolatey good, since I'm Xander and my tongue is Xander and it's always tasting Xander, I can't differentiate the chocolate from the Xander and therefore I must taste like chocolate.” I didn’t even have to breathe. This is great. He’s laughing now, laughing so hard tears are streaming down his pale, pale cheeks.

Am I the only one who gets to make you laugh
Laugh until you cry?

He’s laughing now, and it’s truly beautiful. I’m grinning at him, and I keep grinning at him until he stops laughing and kisses me passionately. Must have been because I was talking about licking chocolate off him. We’ll have to do that later, because I’m craving it now.

He pushes me back on the sofa until he’s lying on top of me, and grinding our hips together. It’s amazing. Either I’m always hard around him and just don’t notice, or my cock suddenly surges to life the second he makes that damned hot sound so deep in his throat it sounds like I’m hurting him in all the best ways. He’s thrusting against me, and it’s sudden and urgent and fucking mind-blowing.

The blood’s rushing through my veins and all I can think about is his mouth on mine, sucking me dry, and his hips pounding a rhythm against mine. All I can think about is the friction, the pressure, the power in that action, and within minutes I’m gasping and shuddering. He picks up his pace until it’s like one motion, not just back and forth, and our mouths break apart as we let out identical strangled howls, and the release is a rushing scream in my ears, and suddenly my jeans are damp and I can’t move.

Every time is like the first time with him. I wonder what he’ll do when I die? I know it’s morbid to think that, but he’s immortal whereas I’m not. We have one lifetime together, and living on the Hellmouth, it’s going to be a short one. I love him with all my being, but when I die, I’ll never see him again. Even if there’s a heaven, he’s a demon…his soul won’t go to the same place mine does, unless I’ve fallen from grace by having an abundance of gay sex with my evil vampire boyfriend. Which, now that I think of it, is pretty likely.

We’ve talked about him turning me, but I don’t want that. He doesn’t want me to be what I’d turn into, and so far we haven’t found any spells that would give me my soul permanently. Eventually, possibly sooner rather than later, I’m going to die, and he’s going to have to go on living without me. I don’t think I could handle that, living without him. I know people do it all the time. Their lover or spouse dies, and they go on living, but I don’t think I could do it. On the one hand, I’m glad it’s him and not me, but I don’t want him to feel the pain I know I’d be feeling, so I don’t want it for him at all. I don’t know how to feel about it.

Am I the only one who asks you to go
Go on without me?

My lovely boy. I nuzzle a little more into his neck, still hot and throbbing from our little impromptu action on the couch. Finally, I have the strength to raise my head, and I look into his eyes, still dark and unfocused. His hair’s grown out long again, and it’s in his eyes. I love it like that. He needs to keep his hair longer. Makes him look sexy. Sexier. If that’s possible.

I love my boy.

Am I the only one who loves when you leave
Your hair down in front of your eyes?

Still don’t know what he’s thinking when the wheels are turning. Even now, I can practically hear them chugging away. He’s always babbling in his mind, thinking about things, though I never know what. I know what I’m thinking about though.

I’m thinking about how I’m going to miss this. One day, Xander’s either going to get tired of me and leave, or he’s going to die. And I wonder how he thinks I’ll be able to live with that. The second, the bloody fucking second I don’t have Xander, I’ll be looking for the nearest wooden object to hurl at my chest. I won’t be able to do anything but put myself out of my misery. Without my lovely Xander, I’d be nothing. Without him, I was nothing. Xan’s my everything, and when he’s gone, I’ll be gone too.

And who
Who do you think I am?
And who
Who do you think I’ll be
Without you?

I need him to go on without me, I think. Spike is such a lovely, wonderful being, that knowing there was a world without him in it…nothing could be worse. Even if I can’t be with him, I need to know that someone, somewhere, somewhen, can. I’d be jealous if I didn’t know he loved me enough that a new lover wouldn’t make him unlove me. But I know that he needs someone, as surely as he needs me and I need him.

Am I the only one who had to dress you up
To see how you fell down?
Am I the only one who needs you to go
Go on without me?

He’s still thinking, so I kiss him again. I lean back, grinning softly at him. The smile he gives me in return lights up the room, even though it’s not a big smile. He reaches a hand up to brush the hair from his eyes, but I snatch his hand and kiss his fingers.

“Leave it down,” I tell him, fire in my voice to match the fire in my loins. “Like it there.”

Xander grins again, and I kiss it because every time he smiles that’s all I want to do. And I don’t usually deny myself what I want.

Am I the only one who loves when you leave
Your hair down in front of your eyes?

He’s my everything. Without him, I don’t know how I could live my life. Nobody is as perfect and special to me as Spike is. His lips are on mine, and it’s heaven, but I need to speak now, so I break the kiss and look up into his blue, blue eyes.

“Love you. Love you so much I couldn’t live without you.”

And who
Who do you think I am?
And who
Who do you think I’ll be
Without you?

“Love you too, pet. Same thing. Couldn’t exist without you. Wouldn’t want to, either.” As soon as the words are out of my mouth, I lean down and kiss him again.

And who
Who do you think I am?
And who
Who do you think I’ll be
Without you?


END