Sam grinned girlishly and took his arm. "Yep, it's all set," she explained. "I'll take tomorrow night's last coach and be in Tulsa by Thursday."
"Tomorrow night?" Buck asked."That soon?" He wasn't too keen on letting her go anyway, but he'd wanted to spend some time with her before she did. This whole thing had come about so suddenly. It had only been three days ago when she'd come to him about it, so full of hope he couldn't hardly refuse her the oppurtunity, all the while seeing JD's pained expression go unnoticed by her.
"I just can't wait!"Sam exclaimed, and Buck instantly felt a surge of fear. True, she hadn't seen her friends or other family in a long time, but she also hadn't even mentioned them in the near year she'd been in Four Corners. Sam had always busied herself and had too much fun to dwell on the past. This sudden change caught Buck off-guard.
Secretly, he was petrified she'd decide to stay in Tulsa...
"I'm gonna miss you like crazy," he told her sincerely.
"Oh, I'll miss you too."she replied, squeezing his arm. "It'll definately be weird not to see you every day."
Buck smiled. So she'd miss him too..This news was excellent. What a moronic idea her staying in Tulsa had been. She couldn't stay there..after all, JD was in Four Corners, and she'd never leave him.
"It'll be different without her underfoot," Vin Tanner joked, as he sat in the saloon with Ezra Standish and Chris Larabee. Sam was never a bother, and they all knew it. "How's Buck takin it?"
"Pretty well," Chris replied. "I don't think he's too fond of the idea."
"JD ain't," Vin noted. JD sat at the bar, depressed. Josiah sat by him attempting to talk him out of his misery. "You'd think he was never gonna see her again.."
Ezra kept his mouth shut during all this..He was the only one who knew the real reason Sam was leaving, and didn't feel good about that. He wanted to tell the others, especially Buck, about Bryce Winston, but he'd promised Sam he'd never tell a soul..
"Ezra?" Chris asked, noting the man's silence.
Abruptly, Ezra snapped out of his trance. "Yes?" he asked.
"You alright?"
Ezra nodded. "I think I may be coming down with something."
A serious headache..he thought, none too happily.
Mary Travis and Rain helped Sam pack that night, giggling like sisters as they folded clothes and packed Sam's possessions. Sam insisted on taking most of her things, causing Mary to make the off-handed comment that it looked like Sam was planning on staying forever in Tulsa.
Sam's face went white.
"Absolutely not!"she replied. "I just want to be sure I have everything I'll need."
Caught off-guard by Sam's defensive tone, Mary was silenced. As she leaned down to buckle Sam's suitcase, she saw the wooden box with a few tiny things in it, including a silver ring she'd never seen before.
"That's lovely Sam," she noted, picking it up. "I've never seen it before.It's almost a man's ring isn't it?"
Quickly, Sam lied. "It's my uncle's," she said, frantically trying to find an excuse. "He got it from someone a long time ago, and he gave it to me before I left."
Mary knew that wasn't the truth. Sam's behavior was different, her voice colder, her body more rigid. Before, Sam had always spoken in a soft, musical voice and carried herself casually. Now she seemed angry.
Rain excused herself to go to dinner with Nathan, and Mary followed her lead.
Only about ten minutes had passed until Buck showed up. Sam was surprised to see him.
"I just wanted to see if you needed any help packing," he tried, but then saw her locked suitcase. "Well, I guess not. Um..." He fought for some other reason to talk to her.
Sam watched this man, normally the most easygoing person in her world, obviously feeling uncomfortable.
"Buck," she put her hands on her hips. "Why are you really here?"
He was surprised. "I just sorta wanted to talk to you. I don't know how long it'll be until I get another chance."
Sam was taken back by that, she was sure he'd have some accusation or other deeper meaning for coming to see her. Her mind was so out of whack lately, she was unable to see her own father as the confused and scared warrior he was.
"Oh," she said. "Well, have a seat." He sat in the chair by her bed and she sat on the bed. This reminded her of the last time he'd been in her room, when he'd not asked any questions, just held her. Could Buck ever understand how she felt, or would be disappointed?
He fidgeted a little. "So, you got everything you need?" he asked.
Sam nodded. "At least as far as Mary is concerned."
Buck chuckled a little. "That'll do, probably." Sam smiled, knowing how efficiently her bags were packed. Mary was like that, in charge all the time, and Sam wished a little of that would rub off on her. She decided to do something she'd meant to do for a while.
"I'm sorry," she said. "For everything I've done lately to disappoint you, and everyone else."
He didn't know how to take that. He assumed she meant the thing with the Winstons, but knowing she thought she'd disappointed him was terrible.
"Honey, you haven't disappointed anyone," he replied.
She shook her head. "I have, Buck. I've disappointed a lot of people, and especially JD. My leaving is going to be a good thing for him."
"You act like you're never coming back. I know he's not disappointed in you. Is that what this is about? Why're you really leavin?" Buck asked, leaning forward in the chair.
"I miss my friends," she tried.
Buck shook his head. "You're gonna have to do better than that."
Sam tried to change the subject. "Now, while I'm gone I don't want you getting yourself in any trouble with any married ladies."
"Don't," he said. "You didn't answer me. Why're you leaving?" He wouldn't stop looking closely at her, and it was bothering her. So she got up and moved her suitcase off the bed, to over by the window. "Ever since you were...when that bastard Walker did what he did..you haven't been the same. And I understand, we all do. No one is blaming you, honey, if thats what you're thinking."
"It doesn't have anything to do with that," she tried to lie again. Why did she suddenly have to lie to everyone close to her? Then she knew, she was afraid they'd see her differently. Weakness was not an option for the strong-willed girl. "I just want to forget about Daniel Walker."
"Why do you have to leave here to do that? Why can't we remain with you?"Buck questioned.
"You'll always stay with me," she said. "All of you. I'll never forget you." That was not a lie.
"You sound like you'll never come back," he said, then realized sadly what her plan really was. "You won't, will you?"
"I don't know," she said. "Tulsa is..safer.."
"Bull," Buck said. "You love it here and you know it. That is a total lie. You've been lying to everyone lately." So he'd noticed too, it was almost a relief.
"What do you want me to say?" she screamed. "I have no idea why I'm leaving!!! I need to get everything that has happened out of my head before it kills me. Before it renders me incapable of doing anything and I end up like momma! She was too afraid to do anything. She wasted her whole life on a dream of you returning that never came true, and she died miserable for it!"
"That's it," Buck understood finally, at least part of the problem.
Sam nodded and kicked her suitcase on its side.
"Don't you realize how important you are?" he asked. "Do I have to list everyone who you mean something to? Me, JD, Rain, Nathan, Ezra?"
"Stop it!"she said. "You're trying to make me feel bad about leaving, and you really shouldn't bother. I feel bad enough already."
"Then don't go," he solved the problem.
Sam shook her head. "I don't doubt you all care about me, but before I came here I was a different person, without a care in the world, and I want to reconnect with a girl who didn't know terror, and wasn't so confused."
Buck wrapped his arms around her tightly. She didn't fight them, instead she fell back into them, grateful that he was there and understood, or was trying to anyway...He cared, like she knew he would. Sam placed her cheek against the warm flannel of his shirt.
"I'd love it if you stayed. JD would too, but it's strictly your choice."
She wished he hadn't said that. With all her heart, she wanted him to make her stay, to forbid her to leave. So she wouldn't have to choose between her new family and her old family. One held JD, Buck, and a world of possibilities if she could only get over her demons. The other held her entire past, and her blood family, all of them. It was an impossible choice, one she didn't want to have to make.
In the morning Ezra emerged from the boarding house with the same headache that had robbed him of sleep the previous night. Needless to say, his mood wasn't a pleasant one.
"Mr. Standish!" a voice called, causing him to turn around. Mary Travis strode quickly up to him, her manner serious.
"Mrs. Travis," he greeted her. "What can I do for you on this not so pleasant morning?"
"I need to ask you something.."she began.
"And I shall try to answer it," he replied.
"Its about Sam," Mary caught the trapped look that flashed across the gambler's face for only a brief instant. He knew something. "You're close to her," Mary began."Has she come to you about anything lately?"
Ezra denied it, shaking his head.
"Mr. Standish," she said. "If something is wrong with her-"
He cut her off. "I am not at liberty to say anything."
"Is there anything I can do?"Mary asked.
Ezra smiled, but not happily. "Pray for her, Mrs. Travis."
He strolled away, to the saloon, hoping a drink would clear his headache.
As JD spent the afternoon with Sam, he constantly touched her, embraced her, and kissed her. He'd miss her so much, he knew the next month would be hell..
Sam returned his affections. JD would always be a major figure in her life, and she wasn't looking forward to losing him entirely. She knew that if she were to mess things up, she'd never be able to have him as just a friend. He'd hate her, and that idea scared Sam more than anything.
"Will you write?" he asked her, as they lay stretched out in the hay in the stables.
"You've already asked me that two hundred times," she accused him, laughing.
"Have I?" he asked. Honestly, he couldn't remember any of them.
Sam sat up next to him. "JD, I'll be back," she assured him. "It's only a visit."
"I know,"he said. But he didn't really know. This girl with him was so different than the Sam he'd always known, he didn't know what she was thinking at all anymore. "I'm just worried.."
She reached out and took his hand. "About what?"she asked.
"What if while you're there something happens?" he asked. "You'll be with all your old friends, in your old life, what if you decide that Four Corners isn't good enough for you?"
"That will never happen!" she cried. Taking it down a notch, she touched his face. "JD, I swear on everything I own, I'll come back. Don't worry about me. Promise me you won't."
Impulsively, he kissed her, wanting to tie her up and keep her in Four Corners forever. He coudn't though, so all he could do was agree.
"I promise," he said.
That evening Sam's good-byes went rather well. Hugs and from the men, Rain and Mary. None of them expected anything more than her being gone a month, they weren't worried. Mary felt nervous, but had no reason to back the feeling up, except for Ezra's comment, so she politely kept quiet about it all.
As for Ezra, he had pulled Sam aside earlier that day to say his goodbyes, amd as such he wasn't. Though he was watching through an upstairs window in the hotel. Sam regretted placing the burden of knowledge on his shoulders. He'd promised he wouldn't tell, and she knew he was true to his word.
"Girl, you be careful," Buck whispered in her ear as he embraced her.
"I always am," she replied quietly.
"I love you," he told her, and couldn't have meant it any more than at that second.
"I love you too," she told him back, meaning it even more.
"JD's waiting for you," Buck laughed sadly in her ear. "Best you go over to him 'fore he goes crazy."
Sam agreed, pulling away from her father and heading to JD, who stood away from the crowd of people seeing her off.
"Well..." she began and trailed off.
"This isn't gonna be easy," he informed her.
"They say Absence makes the heart grow fonder.."she suggested, trying to make light of it.
"Hell, if my heart were any fonder.."he began. "What do I do if you don't come back?" Despite everything she told him in assurance, he had a bad feeling about this.
"Go on with your life," she said. "You can find a better woman."
"No," he shook his head adamantly. "I can't. and I won't." She saw a tear fall from his eye. Her mighty JD in tears, her heart was tearing in pieces.
"Fine," she said.
"You could stay?" JD asked hopefully, not giving up yet.
She went to kiss his cheek, but he caught her off guard and put all the emotion he could into what may very well have been the last kiss he ever gave her.
Sam pulled back. "I have to go."she said.
"Write?"he asked.
She nodded. In her mind, she knew she'd have a good cry on the way to Tulsa. He pulled her to him once again and whispered in her ear; "I love you."
"I love you," she whispered back and got on the coach. Sam felt awful. She'd be breaking his heart if she decided not to marry him, and she knew it. Plus, she really would miss him. He was so much a part of her life. A warm smile or a hug whenever she needed it, as familiar as Buck was to her.
The driver flicked the whip and the coach headed away.
I'll wait here forever...JD thought.
Buck and JD stood there, watching their girl disappear.
Sam let herself cry only once she was out of town. Then the wrenching sobs took over her...