Chapter One: Paralyzed Emotions
Written by Holli.
(WARNINGS: Angst. A WHOLE FREAKIN' HEAP OF ANGST! PG for now, but not forever; Tsuzuki x Hisoka)

A slight movement shifted the covers, and the only thing visible of the person underneath it were a few sprigs of ash blond hair sticking out, illuminated by the small shaft of morning sunlight coming in. Slowly a hand emerged and moved the covers down, to reveal the rest of the ash blond hair. It was extreme early morning, but Hisoka was very much awake.

Hisoka rolled from his stomach to his back, and let his head sink into his pillow. With a sigh of resignation, he stiffly laid his arms next to his sides on top of the striped comforter. With half lidded eyes, he watched the only movement in the room, the small dust motes that showed up in the rays of sun. It was a calm morning, and happily a day off for him, since it was a Saturday. Hisoka debated if he wanted to stay where he was or actually get something to eat, much to his distaste. Since he couldn't decide, he just stayed where he was. No decision gave him his answer.

It had been three months since Kyoto. A small frown crossed Hisoka's face at the memory, and the slightest scowl crinkled the bridge of his nose. If anyone had seen him, they would have thought he was in a cute pout, but his current thoughts were hardly superficial. The incident had brought him and Tsuzuki closer together, but had also alienated them.

In the aftermath for the next few weeks of their recovery, Hisoka had stayed close to Tsuzuki, but never too close…basically the same room, but only at arm's length to him. Back then, Hisoka realized he had subconsciously done this because his emotions were on the fritz and he felt a need to protect himself…but he still needed to be able to see if Tsuzuki was okay…he just needed to watch over his. For whatever reason, Tsuzuki seemed to understand this and smiled softly at Hisoka whenever he saw him nearby, with happily closed eyes.

But Hisoka would still keep his distance. It wasn't because he was being cold to Tsuzuki…or he was scared of him…or scared of anything to do with him…okay, maybe he was scared a little bit of unexplored closeness, but he just didn't know what to think about his literal confession for his need for Tsuzuki. This need and dependency on Tsuzuki disturbed Hisoka; ever since his parents had shunned him, he had been cold and apart to protect himself. Never had he needed the warmth of another's touch or to at least hear their voice in the next room to make sure they were still there. But he needed that with Tsuzuki…and what kind of relationship did that underline?

Oriya had told him that he couldn't win if it was just for revenge. He needed a higher purpose, and his want to save and protect Tsuzuki had come rushing to the surface. Shinigami had to have a want and desire, often selfish in nature, to remain attached to earth. It used to be that Hisoka had stayed to be able to someday face Muraki and prove he had beaten him at the mind games and curse…and become stronger than him. But….

Hisoka's little frowning wrinkled up his nose just a bit more. In a way, he had started to defeat Muraki three months ago. Muraki for once had failed at his plans and had been unable to take Tsuzuki away from him. That was a start for Hisoka's goal. But still….

Admittedly, in the beginning of his partnership with Tsuzuki, he had stayed for revenge against Muraki only…but even then, the smallest little breath of feeling…of attachment had wanted him to stay with Tsuzuki…to be near this warm person who cared for everyone unconditionally…even him.

When did he start to care so deeply for Tsuzuki…to worry so much about him? Why did he need him to exist just for him? Had it truly been selfish of him…to need him so desperately? Did he do it for Tsuzuki who needed to be shown unconditional love like the kind he always gave? Could it be a little bit of both? Did he need Tsuzuki there just to feel like he mattered to at least one person? If that was the case, could it have been anyone…?

No.

No.

Tsuzuki.

Only Tsuzuki.

Hisoka felt an ache in his heart at the realization.

Truly being with Tsuzuki…is where he belonged…and that feeling pulled at his heart strings.

What kind of feelings did Tsuzuki have for him? How about himself…this odd emotion he had come to feel? Did he….

…Love?

Hisoka sat up with a bolt. Just what kind of love was he thinking of? Tsuzuki had been like a combination older brother with a little bit of father in there, the figurehead of the family he now had. But...that constant flirting and teasing, was there anything behind that? Should he read into that at all? Tsuzuki did have strong emotions that sometimes were like a sudden slap to the face because of his empathy, and somewhere in there, he had been able to detect this soft feeling of warmth that went beyond simple caring, often accompanied by something that felt more animalistic. But, Hisoka could never figure out those emotions, because as much as Tsuzuki was loud with his emotions, there were certain ones he protected well that could hardly or never leak out.

Hisoka stared at his hands, fisted in front of him, clutching at the soft blanket. With a stretch that slightly resembled a cat, Hisoka finally crawled out of bed and headed to the bathroom, eager to shower. Doing so would be refreshing and could distract him from his current ponderings. Whether that was a good thing or not, Hisoka didn't know...but he had a feeling he should handle his current emotions at his own pace. So...if that meant ignoring his confusion for now, so be it. That's all he could handle. So with that decided, that was the plan for the day. After all, it was a Saturday. Shouldn't he relax? Today was a day that he could spend reading nonstop completely by himself with no interruptions. That was the best way to distract himself from thoughts of a violet-eyed man.

Hisoka sat outside his house in a lawn chair on his small porch. His book lay forgotten in his lap, a page occasionally flipping over in the wrong direction for reading order. Hisoka sat slumped in the padded chair with his head leaning slightly to his left, his eyes closed in relaxation, but not sleep. He just couldn't read…nor could he think. He just wanted...to blank out for awhile.

With a sigh, Hisoka straightened back up and opened his eyes to watch brightly red leaves fall from a tree just a short walk away.

The leaves softly touched down to the ground with just the slightest of fluttering. Hisoka mused to himself. 'How fragile.'

'Just like me.'

TO BE CONTINUED...