Chapter Three: Painfully Beautiful
Written by Holli. Editing by BuddhaFrog and MorningStar.
(WARNINGS: Tsuzuki x Hisoka; angst out the ass!)

Tsuzuki knew he wanted to do something. Do something special for Hisoka. But what?

Tsuzuki sighed as he sat outside on a bright day in his flower garden, dusty, resting on the ground. He retied the handkerchief on his head and dusted off his brown gardening gloves.

Well, for one thing, Hisoka wasn’t a girl to get gifts for (like the lilies he was growing), and he had to watch his step. Hisoka was a boy, and girly gifts or childish ones would highly offend him. If there was something Hisoka hated more than anything else, was when Tsuzuki was overprotected and babied him.

It had been quite awhile since Tsuzuki had made his resolution to help out Hisoka in any matter possible. But, with everything at a standstill, and his partner being quiet, how could he help with anything? Besides . . .

The violet eyed shinigami had come to the conclusion that Hisoka DID view him as a older brother sorts for sure now. Hisoka didn’t act different from before, and he had shown no sign of anything different. Tsuzuki knew Hisoka was a strong person, stronger than him to endure so many emotional terrors. So many times when Tsuzuki had fallen apart in intense, torturing, emotional strung moments, Hisoka had stayed firm, even though that wasn’t always the case. But, usually it was. So, surely someone as emotionally strong as him would have told him if he felt . . . intimate love . . . for him by now, right?

Tsuzuki wasn’t about to force his feelings on Hisoka. He felt he was not worthy of Hisoka . . . all he could do now was to do anything Hisoka asked of him, to always be there for him. That was his goal.

'He won’t be with me . . . I’m going to be lonely, in a way. But . . . I’m used to suffering. It’s nothing new.'

'W-wah . . . but he will be lonely too, won’t he?'

Tsuzuki abruptly stood up. He had an idea for what he was going to do the next day.

"'Sooooka."

Hisoka could feel the vein pop up in his forehead. He was attempting to keep his stack of papers from falling off his desk, and he didn’t need this distraction.

"What, Tsuzuki?"

"You want some of the muffin I brought in?"

"No thank you."

"Awwww . . . ."

That whining. Sometimes Hisoka wished that Tsuzuki was alive just so he could kill him. Hisoka let out a deep breath of air and calmed himself. That’s how he felt sometimes, but he didn’t mean it. But, Tsuzuki could so grate on anyone’s nerves, and it didn’t help that he was busy at the moment.

"Well, then. Would you like to do something this evening?"

Hisoka turned around quickly and forgot about the papers, as half the stack fluttered to the floor. His look of surprise quickly became a scrutinizing one, but his face started to hint at red.

"What do you have in mind?"

Tsuzuki threw his hands in a grandiose fashion in the air. He patted Hisoka on the shoulder in a brotherly way and whispered.

"A date."

Hisoka started turning 20 different shades of red. Was Tsuzuki asking him finally to do something so terrifying like that?

"W--what? What do you mean?!"

"Oh, Hisoka! Don’t be embarrassed! A young man like you should do these sort of things! It’s only healthy. Go eat, then go dancing or see a movie! It’s a lot of fun. And not the least amount lonely."

"B-but, but . . . I don’t think I’d be able to handle it."

"Sure you would! You’re smarter than me, so no doubt you can! Just relax and go with the flow!"

Hisoka let out an audible gulp. The thoughts of doing such things with Tsuzuki in a job-unrelated setting was scary to him. He liked Tsuzuki so much, and him standing so close whispering in his ear made his heart jump more than one beat . . . .

"Of course, the only problem is that you have to go find that lucky person out there for you! But, with your good looks, I’m sure you can! I really want you to be happy with someone Hisoka!"

Hisoka should have been mad. It was in his nature to be angry when he was hurt. But he had no reason to be enraged. Tsuzuki didn’t feel that way about him . . . and there was nothing he could do about it. Tsuzuki hadn’t been trying to lead him on . . . he was just trying to help . . . like a loving . . . older brother.

Hisoka’s hands went limply to his sides, and he dropped all the papers he had picked up.

It was incredible how painfully beautiful those sheets that have nothing but business affairs typed on them could be, as they floated gently back down to earth.

Painfully beautiful.

Hisoka felt his breathing catch, and he choked. He gritted his teeth. He was not going to be weak. He was not going to turn his head those few degrees to the left to look Tsuzuki in the face so Tsuzuki could see the tears welling up in his eyes. So, Tsuzuki didn’t want him that way. Wasn’t that all right? Hisoka had wanted him to live for him, to care for him. And he was doing it right now.

But not in the way he wanted.

But he had been too selfish already, asking for Tsuzuki to live, though he had wanted to die. He couldn’t ask more of him. That was just the one thing he wouldn’t force Tsuzuki to do; to fake feelings for him.

Hisoka had even been willing to burn away with Tsuzuki if he absolutely refused to live . . . since that was truly the only place he belonged, with Tsuzuki in life . . . or death. He truly felt - no, knew - that he belonged with him in heart and soul. But, was he in Tsuzuki’s most important shades of affection? Could he live with just this friendly love? Could he?!!

Hisoka quickly ran out the office and out the main doors. Ignoring the petals floating past his face, and the shouts behind him, he was determined to run home. He could have home by teleporting if he wanted. But, if his body hurt, he could ignore the emotional hurt . . . . The heavy feelings in his body . . . if he kept running, maybe he could run fast enough that they would fly out his body to never be felt again.

Hisoka knew that was wishful thinking.

Tsuzuki stopped to catch his breath and looked up with scared pain in his eyes. Why was Hisoka so upset? The one glimpse of his face Tsuzuki had managed to get . . . it was so sad, it could have literally wretched his heart out his body. What had he done?! Why did everything he ever does end up hurting his precious person!? Again, again, and again!?

Tsuzuki collapsed to his knees and sobbed into his hands.

A piercing wail could be heard throughout all of Meifu and echoed with utter pain.

TO BE CONTINUED...