Chapter Four: Desperate Hearts
Written by Holli. Editing by BuddhaFrog and MorningStar.
(WARNINGS: PG-13 Tsuzuki x Hisoka; Queen Bitch Mother of Angst!)

Hisoka lay sprawled out on his stomach, letting himself sink into the settling bed. He had finally caught his breath, but he couldn't relax.

He knew now that he would have to bear the fact that Tsuzuki didn't like him . . . love him . . . in the way he wanted . . . not the way he wanted him to desire . . . to need.

'Tsuzuki is special to me. I will simply survive this and try to understand. No matter how much it eats away at me . . . .'

Hisoka held tightly around his pillow. He felt a few tears run down his cheek. He quickly wiped them away, gritting his teeth, tightening his hold on the pillow. He sat up quickly, his face holding a look of utter determination . . . of anger towards himself. He was not weak! He would not weep, cry and wallow in despair like some ridiculous fool. He was stronger than this! He did not have to recognize these hurtful emotions that he had never had before . . . he had always guarded himself from others' emotions and especially his own . . . he had always ignored them. And he could still do that.

The seams of the pillow started to pop.

Tsuzuki honestly did not know what to do anymore. Why was Hisoka so upset? He only wanted to help him out . . . he was being supportive of him going out and just being a normal teen, even if he was a dead one.

Well, that wasn't completely correct though, right? Hisoka being a teenager. Pretty soon Hisoka wouldn't be a teen anymore anyway . . . sometimes he forgot. Actually . . . he wasn't a teen anymore right now, was he?

But, what would he do now? He had upset Hisoka, and he did not know why. He couldn't just confront him could he? But he couldn't leave Hisoka upset and sad without trying to figure out what was wrong. He was supposed to be there for Hisoka no matter what, right?

But, on the other hand, things could get really bad if he went to Hisoka right now too. He could let his hidden feelings slip out and add even more trouble to the situation . . . more bizarreness and strangeness would root between them. And knowing Hisoka . . . he could very much want to be alone right now.

"AUGGGHHHH!!! I have to think of something!!!"

Tsuzuki looked around him. He was surprised to see he had unconsciously walked himself straight to Hisoka's house without a single step in any other direction or a moment of hesitation . . . he was right outside Hisoka's front door.

He swallowed down his anxiety. Well, he had his answer now he supposed . . . he was here. Maybe his natural habits and body movements knew better than he did.

For better or for the most deadly of worse . . . Tsuzuki pushed the door bell and waited for an answer of any kind.

Tsuzuki waited for a minute. He rang it again. Just as he did, an even monotone voice came from the other side of the door.

"Who is it?"

A breath. A few moments hesitation.

"H-Hisoka. It's me . . . Tsuzuki. Can I come in?"

A barely audible scratch on the door. The slight sound of shifting feet. The voice inside closer but still holding the same emotion. A few seconds more.

"No. Go away."

"Please Hisoka! I only want to talk! What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

A sigh. Click. The lock being turned.

"Hisoka! Don't lock me out! C'mon! Let me in!"

"I'm not locking it."

Tsuzuki was startled out of his protest. He carefully reached down to turn the knob . . . like he thought it was going to reach out and bite him. It wasn't locked.

Tsuzuki quietly opened the door, closed it, and walked in. In the living room, Hisoka was sitting on the couch, his profile in view. He took a few hesitant steps forward. Hisoka's face had no expression. Then Hisoka spoke and turned his head just enough so he could look at Tsuzuki.

"Listen, Tsuzuki. Today was just one of those days. My empathy is acting up and caught me off guard. I was overreacting to something on my mind." Well . . . it was only a half-lie.

A pause . . . the awkward silence . . . a soft beam of chiffon colored light coming gently through the window, highlighting Hisoka's upper half . . . an ethereal glow that shines and dances on his hair. An even gaze . . . not angry, sad, nor happy. Light flickers on the facets of those verdant green eyes. Fine lined lips closed, but not held tight with upset emotion. Deceivingly at a calm . . . but Tsuzuki knew his partner too well . . . he knew he was still hurt about something . . . he just knew. Tsuzuki swallowed and parted his lips to speak.

"Hisoka, I know I'm not an empath, but I'm not stupid. What's wrong?" Tightening of his nervous grip on his suit sleeves.

A incoherent mumble about 'being able to argue that', but then Hisoka spoke. "I told you already. Nothing."

Tsuzuki tightly closed his eyes, turning his face to the floor. His expression forcefully held together was a disturbing combination of anger and desperation of grief. "Hisoka, you can't tell me nothing is wrong! Any idiot can tell this is more than your usual empathy overload, even a fool like me!"

Tsuzuki looked at the boy, and saw the expression on his face agonizingly unchanged. His breath caught, and his eyes started to fill with tear, unbidden. "No . . . this is not your empathy, is it?!"

Hisoka's eyes widened just barely, but no other change was wrought on his face. Tsuzuki gathered his nerves and continued. "Something is upset in your own emotions, right?!! Not in mine, or anyone else's pushing down on you! It's . . . just you . . . it's your own emotions . . . that are actually hurt this time." Tears softly ran down Tsuzuki's face.

Tsuzuki softly hugged himself, the embodiment of sad vulnerability. Hisoka really didn't know what to do now, more than ever . . . but then Tsuzuki asked one thing.

"Why can't you tell me what is in your heart?"

Hisoka couldn't speak. He couldn't answer . . . in words or movements. His eyes widened with utter hurt and confusion. Yes, he wanted to bare his soul to Tsuzuki . . . but what was the damn point if he truly couldn't be with him? Hisoka boiled over . . . his fist clutched tightly as he glared at the floor . . . he looked up . . . and SCREAMED.

"YOU BAKA!! WHY SHOULD I?! I DID, BUT YOU NEVER TELL ME ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT!!"

Tsuzuki stared at him in fear and utter surprise. Hisoka felt all his frustration over all this time well up . . . he had been so confused, but with reality smacking him in the face . . . with Tsuzuki's seeming rejection of him, what did he have to lose? Tsuzuki might as well know that he, his pathetic self, couldn't do without the other!

"I have told you before how I've felt! It's been rare, but I have! And now I've been left in the dark!!! I TOLD YOU HOW I NEEDED YOU!!!"

Hisoka finally broke down and screamed through his sobs. "I've been so afraid of you rejecting me . . . of you seeing me as some pity case, a kid for you to shelter!! And now I know!!"

Hisoka gulped in air and continued his shouting. "You couldn't tell me how you felt; how you saw me as a kid . . . I should have just asked and been able to recover from the pain sooner! But you couldn't even allow me that, could you!?"

Tsuzuki gaped at young partner. Hisoka continued to sob, and Tsuzuki tried to quickly roll over what his partner had just yelled at him in his brain. He quickly responded with a stutter.

"H-Hisoka! I-I haven't rejected you! I never could, I never will! I can't! I need you too! I would never leave you all alone!"

Hisoka looked up, his face covered with tears, and Tsuzuki jumped in pain at the sight. Hisoka answer was so soft . . . the older shinigami barely heard him.

"I know you would never leave me all alone. But . . . I . . . I . . . . I hurt . . . so much, Tsuzuki."

Hisoka watched the tears fall from his eyes . . . slowly getting smaller as they fell, and hit the floor, making the smallest of dark spots on the carpet floor. Tsuzuki just stood there rigid; what could he say to this? Was he misunderstanding?

"I need you so much Tsuzuki. When I thought you were going to burn away your very soul . . . all I could think was that I would be all alone again. No one can ever replace you . . . not for me."

Hisoka peered cautiously up at his partner. He had to show his hurt . . . his pain . . . his weakness he had buried so deeply. No matter how embarrassing, or how much it would cause him to be in pain, alone and alienated with his partner later, he just had to tell him what was ripping his hearts to shreds, before it destroyed him from the inside.

"I wanted you to live! I wanted you to live in my heart! But I want to live in yours too! I WANTED TO BE WITH YOU! FOREVER!!! I KNEW we couldn't escape! I KNEW I'd burn away with you! I NEVER knew Tatsumi would save us!!!"

Tsuzuki gasped and stared at Hisoka. He didn't have a plan to save himself at that time!!? Not at all?!! What had Hisoka been thinking!? Tsuzuki's thoughts were more than quickly, answered.

"AS LONG AS I WAS WITH YOU, I WOULD BE HAPPY!! Existing or NOT! I WOULD BURN MY SOUL AWAY TOO, AS LONG AS I WAS TO BE WITH YOU!"

Tsuzuki's mouth gaped open. Hisoka, in his huddled position, standing there and barely looking at him, finally stood straight up, and lunged at Tsuzuki. He buried his face in Tsuzuki's shirt, sobbing, and then looked up at him, staring him directly in the eye, with a face of desperation and heartbreak.

"I LOVE YOU!!!"

Tsuzuki didn't know what to say. He was so . . . utterly . . . ultimately . . . completely shocked. He couldn't even think. He felt himself fall to the floor with a plunk, and sat there, as Hisoka still clutched to him and sobbed uncontrollably into his shirt. "I need you . . . to be with you . . . always. I love you so much . . . it HURTS!!!"

The older shinigami could only do what he had done earlier . . . follow his natural instincts, as he found himself hugging his partner close, tightly, enclosing him protectively in his arms, the boy between his legs. They just sat there, as Hisoka cried, and Tsuzuki felt the wetness on his own face streak down in silence.

"I . . . I didn't know . . . I didn't know you were suffering because you felt like I didn't need you . . . didn't need you as an equal."

Hisoka lessened his grip on Tsuzuki's shirt a little, and relished what he felt in his heart was going to be one of the last times he'd be able to rest his face on Tsuzuki's chest . . . to breath in his scent so close . . . to feel his heartbeat.

"Well . . . I did. I just wanted to know how you feel. So I can try to move on . . . and leave you alone." Hisoka choked.

"W-WHAT?!"

Hisoka looked startled up in Tsuzuki's face, as Tsuzuki forced him to look him in the eye, holding tightly onto his shoulders. He was startled, even scared, as he saw Tsuzuki had the fiercest looking expression he had ever seen on the man!

"I-I!! I NEED YOU TOO! I'M SO SORRY!!!" He tightened his hug around the boy, and sobbed into his hair. "I thought I was unworthy of you! And you thought you were! You! You did! But, Hisoka it's the same for me as it is you! It's all the same! I LOVE YOU!"

Hisoka stared. And stared. All he could do was stare up at his partner's face.

". . . That . . ."

"That's the . . . truth?"

Tsuzuki's fierce expression didn't change as he gripped the young man's shoulders even tighter and made sure he didn't turn his face away. "Of course it is! I love you, Hisoka!!"

Tsuzuki hugged him as tightly and as closely as he could without hurting the boy, his joy at finding out that Hisoka loved him just as much as he loved him was overflowing, trying to burst forth, and he couldn't contain. He started to laugh, with the relief of past frustration and confusion gone, at the incredible feelings he now felt. He laughed as he cried. Nothing could possibly feel better right now.

Absolutely nothing.

The young teen was shocked. Shocked even more than Tsuzuki had been. He felt the warmth around him move with sobs and laughter . . . he truly couldn't believe what he had heard. It finally settled in . . . this was truly happening! He had told Tsuzuki how he had felt . . . and the feelings were returned! Hisoka could not laugh . . . all he could do was cry from relief, as Tsuzuki held him close . . . as he hugged his partner back as tightly as he could, and sobbed into his partner's chest. He was crying. But he was happy.

Tsuzuki finally stopped laughing and pulled his partner's face up to look at him. He wiped away the tears and gave his most heartfelt smile . . . no fakeness, not a mask. "I'm so happy, Hisoka. I always felt this way, but I thought you didn't."

"I did too. I guess we're both idiots."

Tsuzuki chuckled. "Well . . . then were lucky ones."

"Baaaa-ka."

Tsuzuki laughed and hugged his partner again. How could he be worthy of something like this . . . after all his pain and sufferings? He felt . . . so much now.

Hisoka pushed himself away from Tsuzuki and tried to breath.

"You hug too hard, dummy!"

The violet eyed man merely smiled. "I can't help it. I love you too much."

Hisoka blushed at hearing that . . . and sat a bit away from Tsuzuki, still between his legs. "Tsuzuki . . . ."

Tsuzuki leaned forward with a smile and rest his arms on Hisoka's shoulders as he faced him. "Hai?"

Hisoka gulped and felt himself choke as he looked into the older man's eyes. Tsuzuki opened his eyes, and prodded him to answer him. "What is it?"

Hisoka grabbed Tsuzuki's shirt collar before he could allow himself to have second thoughts, and kissed him.

Tsuzuki's eyes widened, and he melted into the chaste kiss that was at first clumsy with Hisoka's rush. He smiled, and held the boy closer, as he let his arms wrap around the shoulders of the smaller frame, rubbing his back with one hand as he laid another on his neck. Hisoka wrapped his arms around Tsuzuki's neck, and the chaste kiss broke, and they found themselves staring into each other's eyes, a breath apart.

Hisoka felt himself deeply blush, and even Tsuzuki's face was tinged. Tsuzuki smiled. "Was it okay for me to do that?"

Tsuzuki grinned. "Of course. Can I return it?" Tsuzuki asked with big puppy eyes.

"Y-yes, you baka."

Tsuzuki leaned forward and caught his love's mouth, and gave him a soft kiss. Hisoka couldn't believe what was happening. And he couldn't be happier. Hisoka pressed close, and their chastened kiss turned passionate, as Tsuzuki pushed himself forward to explore Hisoka's mouth. Hisoka moaned, and was left breathless. Tsuzuki smiled as big as possible, and hugged his partner close.

"I'm so happy. I love you Hisoka."

"I love you too."

In a rather bare and plain living room, full with the last rays of the setting sun, two messy and tear soaked young men held tightly to each other. The younger fell asleep in the arms of his love. The older merely smiled and breathed in the scent of the young teen, tucking his head under his chin. It was relaxed and calm . . . and no one could possibly know how great the two were truly feeling.

TO BE CONTINUED...