Monica's Online Journal: April 2005
I am PISSED!!!! I'm so sick of men (besides Kyle). Actually I'm just sick of Ben. I understand that he still has strong feelings for me and that it's hard for him to deal with me moving on, but he is crossing the line!!! Although I don't agree with what he is doing, Kyle and I decided to be courteous and not come over when Ben is home, but trying to stop Kyle from being here ever?!? That's pushing it. I mean, I wanted Ben to write his schedule on the calendar in the kitchen like everyone else does, that way I can have Kyle over when Ben's at work or out, but refusing to even do that is just plain selfish!! Like I said, I can understand that he feels awkward and all, but it's a give/take. I'm trying to meet half way here. Besides, I wasn't the one that started flipping out. He sealed his fate (me not caring anymore) that night when he crossed the line and I told him to leave. I guess he realized he had pushed me over the edge the next morning when he decided everything was all ok now. Well, I'm sorry that's not how things work. Those things he said and the way he acted cannot be taken back. That's where people's true colors show I guess. I mean, I'm not saying I'm perfect, cause I know I'm far from it, but I will not back down on this one. He is in the wrong this time. I couldn't even hate Joel when I found out all that stuff, but Ben managed to prove to me that I can start hating someone I've known for a while. We used to be such good friends, it's a pity he had to be this way, cause I know we could of had so much fun together as friends. I will miss the best friend I had in him, but I will not forget the things he said, and the way he acted.
Last night was a bad night. Kyle never showed up. At around 9, I called him. He had been sleeping all day cause he is sick again, he had originally planned to come over around 4 but was too sick to get up. And since he has no home phone, only a cell phone which can't dial out, he couldn't really call me to tell me. Quite frustrating. Anyway, we chatted a bit and he asked me what time I was done work so he is supposed to come pick me up after work tonight. I'm not counting on anything tho, cause it just gets really disappointing when it doesn't happen, but I'll be happy if he is there. I really miss him.
I'm feeling a bit better this morning. It's nearly 7 and I've already done my yoga and a bit of exercise. I was gonna go jogging, but I changed my mind. I'm gonna tidy up my room, take a shower, then work on my knitting for a bit before school. Kyle said he would probably come and get me to go watch a movie tonight, most likely Wasabi :-). I love that movie. I can't wait to see him again. I'm glad I got to see him last night. It really did perk up my mood. I'm so glad he is feeling better. I just hope it lasts and he doesn't get sick again tonight. I'm looking forward to the weekend, where I'll hopefully get to spend more time with him.
Anyway, I think I'll go have a shower and get started on my knitting.
I feel a little better now. About ten minutes before I finished work, I called Kyle to see if he would want to come pick me up, and he ended up being in the mall, which was quite convinient. So he walked me home, and we talked a little. It put me in a better mood. Luckily, I got schedualed for a bunch of shifts for the next two weeks, which means I'll be getting a nice large paycheck in 3 weeks. Which will be going straight onto my visa,,,, all of it!! I'm getting really sick of that lingering debt. I know it's not a lot, but it's just annoying that it's just enough so that it'll take me a while to pay it now that I'm a student. In the summer, I'll be able to take care of it with just over a paycheck, but it's difficult with only part time hours. Anyway, I started knitting a sweater, so I'm gonna go work on it a bit now before I go to bed. Hopefully tomorrow morning I'll be in a good mood and actually be in the mind frame for school. Yesterday, I went to class, but did nothing cause my brain wasn't working.
Ick!! I feel worse than this morning. This really sucks. At least I get to work tonight. The optical store called to see if I wanted to work from 5-9 this evening. This way I get a little extra cash. Then the bank called to book me for a shift on friday from 5-8. Blah! I don't want to do anything. I just wanna sit and knit, and let my mind go numb.
Well, I guess I should go and get ready for work. God I hope it passes fast, I'm really in no mood to go. I don't want to do anything, just sleep. Or at least just lie in bed and do nothing. Stare at the inside of my eyelids. I wish Kyle was feeling better so I could talk to him. *sigh*
Blah! Not that great a night or morning so far. Kyle is sick, and Ben is still not giving me space. I was supposed to come home get ready for school then leave, but Ben came up and wanted to talk although he said he'd leave me alone and only talk to me when I'd talk to him, so here I am, late for school. I'm just not gonna go to the first class, and if I'm still feeling shitty this afternoon, I just won't go at all today, I need a day off. I started getting doubts about Kyle last night while we were out playing pool. Kinda needed some reasuring from him but he is sick right now, so that really didn't help. I talked to him a bit about it and decided that it would just be better for me (with my over thinking mind) to stay away until he starts feeling better, which I hope is really soon cause I already miss him.
Well, if this is gonna be a day off for me, I think I'll do some work on my knitting/crochet projects then maybe do some drawing. I need to do something to calm me down, Ben just keeps stressing me out lately and I can't talk to Kyle and get any response out of him, cause like I said, he is really sick and can't even really move. *sigh*.... Gurr will keep me company....
Getting ready for pool. It's 6:30 and I'm heading over to Kyle's in about a half hour. It took me long enough to get ready!! I can't remember the last time it took me that long to get dressed!! lol. Of course it doesn't help that I need to do laundry, and that I need to re-sew all my pants cause I lost weight. My good jeans are all way too loose now and one of my fav pants are totally unfixable because of the way they were made. And I don't wanna buy new pants (a. cause I can't afford them, and b. cause I know I'm just gonna gain the weight again) Anyway, I'm excited to go play pool. Actually I'm probably more excited to go see Kyle lol *blush*. It's gonna be the first time playing pool since we've gotten together. Gonna be weird for me to know how to act. Yesterday we went to the mall to do some grocerie shopping with 2 of his room mates and he put his arm around me and it just felt weird, good weird, but still weird, cause I'm so used to just being friends with him I guess. But none the less, I like it. *blush again* lol. :-). Can you tell I'm in a good mood?!? I really can't seem to wipe this huge smile off my face.
Still in a good mood this morning. Actually considering making myself some french toast for breakfast. Ben and I talked last night. I was quite worried to talk to him because last time I did, he had convinced me that Kyle was lying to me and was totally untrust worthy to the point where I was thinking of ending the relationship. Luckily, when I went to Kyle's after, we talked and cleared everthing up. But this time the conversation with Ben went alright. I just wish he would realize, that althought I still want to be friends and hang out like we used to before we started dating, I don't want to get back with him. It's over between Ben and I. I just wish he would realize that and be happy for Kyle and I. I know it's hard, I just wish it could be easier.
Anyway, like I was saying, I'm still in a good mood. Still motivated to do stuff. I got up at 6:15 this morning. It's nice to get a good night's sleep. I hadn't slept in quite some time. I hope Kyle is feeling better today, he was kinda sick yesterday. Maybe tonight I'll call him and see if he is doing better. It's nice to spend time with him, but I'm actually enjoying some time at home. I want to have time to myself to do stuff I like, like the kniting and writing. Which is good, cause being together all the time wouldn't make for a healthy relationship. Next time I see him, should be on Tuesday for pool. I wonder what people will say. They'll probably be happy that something finally happened between us. I mean when Kyle and I first met everyone, they all thought we were already dating. Well, I'm glad that we finally got everything out in the open and that we are together now. Time to go make some french toast! :-)
Whoa! What a weekend! Ummm..... not too sure where to begin. Lots has happened. I guess I could start off by saying that I'm in a really good mood, and motivated, which is almost a strange feeling since it's been so long that I've been motivated to do anything. I've decided that the talk I had with Kyle was definately a good thing. It may not of been right away, but we ended up talking the next day, that went better. In a nutshell, I like him, and he likes me. While we were talking about the whole situation, I ended up curling up next to him and leaning my head on his shoulder, then he put his arm around me. We kept talking all night. Then I had to go to school,,, which I did!! Anyway, I spent the whole weekend at his place. (except for the 12 hour shift on saturday). Unfortunately things aren't going over very well with Ben. I am however really hoping that they will get better. The only thing I can say is that I'm actually happy right now. I'm in a good mood, and I feel motivated to actually do stuff. Like writing. Yesterday I continued writing in one of my books. And today I have the huge urge to just bake stuff, and cook. I also wanna continue crochet and kniting. Well, I should probably go and start all that stuff I wanna do. I'll write some more a little later.
I'm really not sure what to say about today. I went to Physics, I'm finally starting to understand the whole forces thing. Then I went home cause I was really sick. I chatted with Ben a bit, which did not go well at all. Then chatted with Kyle, not sure yet if that was a good thing or not. Part of me thinks yes, and the other part thinks no. So I guess we will just see with in the next few days what happens. Well I don't really feel like talking about it right now, so I think I'm just gonna go to bed.
I am so horribly sick. I've had no voice for a few days. I'm kinda in a rush, so gotta make this quick, I'm in a really good mood today. Found or rediscovered the bestest song ever. Been on repeat all day lol!! Perfect Drug by Nine inch nails. Finally getting my head on straight and it's great. Thanks Tyson, you've been a great help. I wouldn't be like this if it wasn't for you.
Ok, gotta go make some supper, Joel is gonna be here soon with his friend. We are all going to play pool, Joel, his friend, Ben, Me and Kyle, and whoever else is usually there, probably crystal and all them. Ok, now I really gotta go. I'll probably write when I get back.
Well, it's 6:30 and Joel is still not here, so I guess I got a little time to write before he gets here. So the plan for this evening is Joel and his friend Charles are coming over at "6:00" and eating. I've already made some spaghetti. Then as soon as they are done, we are gonna go over to Kyle's (Joel, Charles, Ben and I) for some drinks (Well, drinks for me anyway :-)) Then from Kyle's we are gonna go to play pool. At 10 or 10:30 Joel and Charles are gonna leave to go back to Deep River cause it's a 1 and a half to two hour drive from here. So they should get back to Deep River around midnight, cause they do have work in the morning. I just hope Tyson will get there in time to meet Joel (and vice versa). Anyway I'm really excited for tonight, I'm in such a good mood, I really can't beleive, I can't remember the last time I felt this good. Still playing "Perfect Drug - by Nine Inch Nails". I love this song.
On another note, school wise, it's going ok. I'm back to going to school. lol. I had been not going for a while, last week I missed Wednesday, thursday (all but physics cause I had a test), and friday. I'm still horribly sick, have a hard time talking, actually, I'm really not talking. But I still go to school cause I've already missed lots of school. That test I did on Thursday for physics, I got 50% on. HORRIBLE!!!! but it's ok, the teacher understands. Midterm mark for that class droped from a 98 to a 80%, but after the extra assignment I did, he came to talk to me and adjusted it. He changed it to a 90% because he says it reflects more my abilities. He said he knows I'm sick and he'll see what he can do to fix that 50% on the last test. I'm so glad he understands. Now that I've got my head on straight again I think things will go better. So my midterm marks are: 90% in Physics, 84% in Calculus and 67% in biology. yeah, Biology sucks ass I know, but I hate that class and teacher so much, he is such a dick. Anyway, I think I'll bring up my mark in calculus too, cause 84% is a pretty shitty mark considering that I've taken that class 2 times before (despite the last time was in french and they changed the course completely) anyway, I know I can do better, so I'm gonna work a little harder. So that's the deal with school right now.
As for work, I got a new job. I now work two jobs (again!) I work as a receptionist for an optomitrist/eye glass store. It's not the most stimulating job, and not the greatest pay, but it seems like a really nice place and the owner seems really nice, as do the employees, so I'm gonna keep the job. It's also really good cause he is only really looking for someone to fill in once and a while so it works out great for me cause I still got the bank..... ok, Joel is here so I gotta go, I'll write more later
I had such a shitty day yesterday. My Physics test went badly and everything went down hill for me. I came home and just lost it, that's all I'm gonna say. At around 4 I called Kyle and he came over to talk to me. I really didn't think I'd get better, but here I am. We chatted for a really long time, then went to the mall then back to his place and chatted even more. I'm glad I didn't do the whole not talking to him or Ben anymore, cause he really helped me last night. At least that's what I think cause I'm in a good mood this morning. And to Kyle, I'm sorry if I insulted you by saying that stuff about you being a "pussy", I was half doing it to bug you. You know I'm never gonna get over that comment you said about the french! And thank you so much for being there for me yesterday, I really needed a friend and you were there for me. I'm really grateful for that... I think I'm gonna stop there cause this is gonna become a letter not a journal entry lol.
I did a lot of thinking last night and came to the conclusion that I think way too much!! lol. Anyway, I'm in a much better mood today. I've got a few plans that I've started but I'm not saying anything until it's less of a plan and more reality. Mom and/or Dad, I need you guys to call me. I need to talk to you about something/ask you for a favor :-). Hope you guys are having fun boar hunting. I've been trying to call Dad's cell, but it's not working. Anyway, gimme a call when you get the chance.
Ok, well, I think I'm gonna leave it at that and tidy up my room....again! lol.
I'm still unsure what to say about yesterday. For the first time in a long time, I actually dressed up. Put on a new top I bought a little while ago, put on a skirt, had my hair all crimpy and down, put make-up on (well, eyeliner anyway), even put on some perfume! I just felt like dressing up. I'm glad I did tho, because it made me feel good about myself, however, no one commented on this. Not even a "you look nice tonight" or "nice hair", nothing!! The only thing I got was a "nice dress" from the roommate I never talk to. Anyway, I guess what's important is that I thought I looked good.
At around 7 I was done getting ready and went over to Kyle's to have a few drinks before pool. We(me, Kyle, Tyson and Sam) watched 50 first dates, then headed out to the pub at around 8:30 or so. Stopped off at my place to see if Melissa had called, I think she did, but she didn't leave a message. She wasn't at the pub so maybe she was calling to cancel.
Anyway, we went to the pub and started playing pool with Crystal and Jeff, it was Jeff's birthday. Blah blah blah.... played pool, met new people, had more drinks, missed a step and riped a chunk out of my knee and elbow, bruised my other knee, kept drinking, then we went home at like 2:00 am. I sssooooo wanted to just pass out under a tree or something, but they wouldn't let me :-(. So I settle for randomly closing my eyes as I walked, trying to nap a bit lol. When we got close to the house, I said: "now should I stop at you guys' place first to get my bottle (vodka) that I left there, or do I wait?" Then Kyle said: "Ben's coming over so he can just bring it back with him" Tyson was like he is coming over at 2 in the morning? Apparently Ben called Kyle's cell phone from work (cause he worked last night) and asked if he wanted to hang out at 2 (cause he was done his shift at 1). I pretty much at this point woke right up, and marched straight to the house. Kyle said "Could you just let Ben know we are here?" I said yep with out even looking back and kept right on marching! Came into the house stopped at the stairs to the basement called down to Ben "You're friends are here" he responded, then I went upstairs to my room, boots and jacket still on. I took out my pjs then Ben came upstairs and asked if I was mad at him. And in all honesty I don't even remember what I answered or if that was really the question. But I remember the second question: are you drunk and I said yes. Then he left, I put on my pjs and went to bed.
In all honesty I'm not 100% sure why it upset me or why I'm still pissed off. I think I just have trouble dealing with having the same friends as Ben. Maybe I have trouble dealing with Ben in general. Kyle and I really get along so well. He is seriously the only person I can really relate to (but then again maybe I just feel that way cause he is the first person I've met (and only person I know) that seems to think the same way I do), I don't want to lose a friendship because of Ben or because of the way I feel about the whole situation. I've been seriously considering just not talking to either anymore, but what would that solve? The whole situation just makes me sick!! I really need to find my own place and get away from everything. I can't wait for September. I keep telling myself: just 5 more months, that's all. But 5 months is a long time. I really don't think I can wait that long anymore.
Yesterday was a good day. Work went by quickly, and then I went to the LCBO, then I had an awesome night hanging out with friends. I started off at Kyle's and watched some Soprano's episodes (a bit boring for someone who had been drinking) just me, Kyle and Sam, then Sam went to bed and Alex called. So Kyle and I went to the mall to meet Alex and Robin (and buy cheese curds :-D). We hung out at Alex and Robin's which was really fun, had some whiskey chatted and watched t.v. then it was off to the broken cue (walking distance) to play some pool. At around 2:30 or so we went to Tim Hortons, sobered up a bit then went back to Alex and Robin's place to crash. By the time we got to sleep it was 4 or 4:30 in the morning. At 8, Alex comes down (Kyle and I passed out on the two couches) and tells us that the doctor just called and that they are going to induce Robin today (her due date was in 5 days), then disappears back upstairs. I was totally awake, so Kyle and I chatted, mostly exchanging thoughts of food to drive the other insane!! BACON!!!! Anyway :-), at around 11:30 Alex and Robin come down and we head out. Got home at around 12 this afternoon, then brought Gurr outside to just sniff around the front yard while I started reading my "The Fabric of the Cosmos" book, which by the way seems quite good. Now it's 1:30 and I'm updating my journal. Yeah, that was my night :-).
Plans for the rest of the day are maybe going for a bike ride, making a descent supper, like hamburgersteak or something, cleaning up my room, maybe cleaning the kitchen, clean the tub in the bathroom, I'd like to start working on my Physics assignment and my Math one. And hopefully do some sort of studying for the Math test tomorrow. Well I guess I'd better get started then.
OOOooo I think I'm gonna go to the mall and buy ingredients to make a club house pita.... Mmmmmm...... All the talk about food this morning really got me going lol!!
Gotta make this quick cause I have to go to work in like 5 mins :-(. Good news, I had handed my resumé to the Deroin Optical a few weeks ago and I finally got a call back. Hopefully I'll be able to get a few more work hours inmy week to make some extra cash. I've been doing so much physics in the past frew days it's rediculous! lol, but I love it. Practicing for the Sir Isaac contest has really boosted my confidence. The past little while I hadn't been doing so great, but now I've really got the motivation to do the homework and solve the problems. I bought a new book, "The Fabric of the Cosmos" by Brian Greene, I'm still really upset about losing "The Elegant Universe" and I don't want to have to buy it again, so I bought a different book which is also written by him (brian greene). Also bought volume 2 of Invader Zim. I love that show :-p. Anyway, I should probably run and get myself to work. :-).
In a strange turn of events, Tyson ended up not coming to play pool, but Kyle changed his mind. So Kyle and I went to play pool. Two of Tyson's friends were there so we ended up playing with them. I didn't get to chat with Melissa that much, but hopefully next Tuesday I'll get the chance. And I'm glad to say I was in bed and asleep by midnight. It was just past 11 when we left the pub.
In other news, classes going a little better. Getting more focused. Today in Physics we discussed new theories. That's my fav. part of the class. I was interactive :-). Also same thing in Biology. Talking about viruses, got me all excited :-). I think that's pretty much my fav. part of Biology .... viruses. I decided a good strategy in class is instead of wasting my time listening to the teachers, I just read the book then ask questions. Certain methods that the teachers use don't work for me all the time so if I just teach myself then ask questions it works better.
Well I must say I'm feeling quite good today. I've had a good day, and playing pool last night was really fun. Now that I've got my head on straight (lol, totally wrong word), now that I've sorted some stuff out I feel alot more laid back and comfortable. I don't feel like I'm walking on egg shells anymore, worried about what I do, how I react, not looking into stuff anymore. God it feels good not to worry. Yeah I'm in a much better mood. I think that was what was draggin me down the past little while.
Well I should probably go now and do some more work on my site, maybe I'll put up a little section on viruses in my Biology section :-).
Oh, and here is a pic of my nose piercing. I
know it took a long time, but finally I took a pic, and here it is. And
Dad, I already know what you are gonna say....don't! :-).
Tuesday, April 5th 2005:
Unfortunately that moment of clarity/sanity last week was exactly just that. I realized this last night when I came home at around 1 am (technically this morning). I didn't even go to school yesterday. I wish I could slap myself or something so I could snap out of it for good, and not just for moments. I'm gonna try it again. Maybe slowly I'll stick to it. Tonight however is pool night, and all tho Kyle is bailing out on me, I'm still going. Hopefully Tyson will be able to go with me. Don't really feel like going alone. I just want to play a couple games anyway. Don't want to stay out past 11. I think when I get home I will keep working on my site (science section). Maybe I should work on the Bioloby section so that I can actually study. oops!!! I didn't see the time... gotta go to school.
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