Monica's Online Journal: March 2005
Well, I'd like to say I'm feeling better than this morning, but I can't. Still not sure what it is, I guess I'm just in a downer right now (actually that's a huge understatement). Anyway, I don't really want to get into detail about my depression, so I'm just gonna say that I'm going to try and do some changes in my life. For starters, no more computer. I think I spend way too much time on here. I'd like to still update my journal, once an a while, just I won't be working so much on the site, or chatting. Think I'm gonna get rid of my credit cards, and do a clean out of my room. Get rid of the clutter everywhere. I also wanna make sure I get out and socialize more so I think pool on Tuesdays is a definate from now on. I'm still gonna try and get a second job, but it's not gonna be a serious one. Just something to make some extra cash for outings and stuff. Well, I gotta work at 5 and it's now 3:30 so I think I'm gonna start on cleaning out the clutter of my room. I hope this is what I need and that I start feeling better, wish me luck, I know I'm gonna need it.
Wow. That's all I have to say, looking back on the past little while. Sometimes I see myself do these really stupid things, but just keep doing them anyway. And I don't know why. I could say a lot of things, but I'd just be talking out of hate/hurt. What bothers me is the fact that I put myself through it willingly. Often I even encourage it! I'd say well, you live, you learn, but that's not true. I could say what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, but from my experience it only makes you dumber. So I'll stick with "Stupidity knows no bounds". That's the one for me right now. At least I have school to focus on. I have all these things I could do but just never do them. I can't wait to go to university. I'm sure to meet people there. I can't wait to live by myself again. Just me and Gurr. Like it was in Deep River. I just have to find a way to get through these next 3 months with out doing anymore stupid things. Cause if I don't stop some of it now I know exactly what the outcome will be = low grades and lots of false direction. I guess I shouldn't be upset or even disappointed. Cause in reality, it's saving me lots of time. I just wish I could function normaly and think like other people do, and not have all these insecurities that impair my ability to have friends.
Ok, now that I'm done my venting rant, on to what's new. Got back another bad test. This time in calculus :-( 67%. Not good, but I'm doing some extra work to get bonus marks. I have a test today in Physics, hopefully it won't be too hard. I have a feeling my streak of 98%s ends here tho. I hope I'm wrong. I have to concentrate on school a little more. Tonight I work from 5-8. I'm thinking about getting a 2nd job, again... not 2 full-times tho. I'm gonna try and get something for the week and sundays. I need to start making more money because school is coming, plus I really want to get out of here, and that's really not gonna happen with 6 hours a week. I know in the summer time I'll be getting lots more hours and more money to save up for school, but there's still 3 months until then.
As for all the news from family, I'm really glad things are going better for you guys. Mom, I'm really happy you found something and seem to be doing well. Seems like a lot of responsibily, but I know you'll do great, don't worry too much. :-). Dad, I'm really hoping you get that job. I can't really criticize the town, cause I really don't remember it (except for a park across the street :-)) anyway, sounds like a really good job. And as for Peter, I'm sure he'll snap out of it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow :-) I think it may take a little while but I know things will get better.
Oh, and meanwhile, still planning on putting that guest book in so you guys can write comments. I just really don't know how to go about putting on in here.
Well, I should probably go and get ready for school. Study for the test and get my stuff ready for my application to university. Was supposed to do that before march break, but as usual I was being an idiot. Anyway, snapping out of it now, (probably snap back into it in a few hours, my moments of clarity are always, just that... moments) so yeah, should try to get as much done as I can during this time.
Yuk!! I got sick. I'm still not quite sure how, but I'm sick. My throat hurts so much! I was supposed to work till 5:30 today but ended up leaving at 12 cause I was too sick. I'm making some neocitron and then I think I'm gonna either lay down for a nap or watch some Inuyasha episodes. My recent addiction. I love the series. Luckily one of my room mates has all the movies, and most of the episodes (up to 132 I beleive). Well, my head is really hurting so I'm gonna go see if the water is boiling yet for my neocitron.
Still not in the best of moods. I got better yesterday then got down again. Not sure why. Went to play pool two nights ago, had a blast. It was great to get out and do stuff. Saw Melissa. She apparently goes there to play pool often so I think I'm gonna start going every Tuesday. It does me alot of good to get out. And playing pool was really fun too althought I'm quite horrible at it. I also had a shot of tequila for the first time. It wasn't too bad. But the people I took it with said the tequila wasn't all that great. Probably watered or something, I don't know, it just wasn't strong. I didn't mind, made my first tequila experience tolerable.
I had a quiz today in Biology. 90%. Much better than the test we got back. Still really upset with the mark but I'm sure I can catch up. I hadn't been having the greatest day when I did that test.
Well I should probably go and pack, I have to go to work in less than an hour and I havn't packed at all for this weekend. I can't wait to get out. I feel like this place is just draining everything I have (which isn't much to begin with). Hopefully when I get back things will start getting better. I need to get back into a decent sleeping pattern but I just can't get myself to do it. Why is that I wonder? Well, at least I have this weekend to relax and not worry. I'll have time to think, or not think, you know what ever.
Been having a pretty bad past couple of days. It's been over a month now that Ben and I broke up and it's getting harder to co-exist and stay close friends. I wish there was an easier way to do this but there doesn't seem to be. I had been holding back from telling people because it would be hard to answer all the questions and we just wanted to ease out of the relationship, but I guess it's been long enough. Plus the "easing" out isn't being very effective. I'm really hoping that in a few months or so it'll all blow over and we can be friends again. Anyway, still don't feel like talking about it.
Tonight I'm supposed to be going out to play pool with some friends. Hopefully it'll distract me and put me in a better mood. However, so far everytime there have been plans they've gotten cancelled, but I'm hoping this time they won't. Plus I'm probably just being pessimistic. *sigh* Well I guess I'll just continue cleaning my room and stuff and listen to music. Maybe that will lift my mood.
Technically it's the 17th, but I haven't gone to bet yet and it's only 1:30 so I consider it the 16th. I just finished watching a bunch of family guy episodes with some friends. I decided I should probably come home, seeing as how I have to work at some point tomorrow (3). Plus I haven't really been home lately. I've actually got a sort of schedual. With school and work and now friends to hang around with. My mood has improved drastically. It's actually a little scary. Well, it's 2 in the morning, I should be getting to sleep.
It's such a bieutiful day out today, I really want to go out for a walk. I would definately have to bring Gurr though. It's been great weather for the past few days and Gurr has been slowly planning his escape. Trying to sneak out through the 1 inch by 4 inch mail slot. It's actually quite funny to see. He's so cute.
I've decided that sleep isn't acutally a thing. It's an intangable thing, like a metaphor or something. I feel like I haven't slept in so long. :-). I got back some tests from calculus and physics. The physics test, I got an 97% which maintains my 98% average so far and in calculus, I got a quiz back (still no test or assignment) and got 92% on that one. I'm a bit disappointed at the physics one cause I actually did make alot of mistakes, it's just that I got the bonus question right so it made up for a lot of my mistakes. The math one I'm happy with cause I understand the mistake I did.
I don't really have much to say besides that. I did two tests on friday, one in calculus and one in biology. Hope I did good on the biology, and I'm quite sure I did well on the calculus. I didn't work this past week or this weekend, but am definately working this week coming cause it's march break. Well, think I'll go do something productive like take a walk with gurr or something it's such a bieutiful day.
Still haven't gotten that calculus test or assignement back yet. I'm hoping I get it back soon. I'm very curious to see how badly I did on the test :-(. I wasn't even able to answer all the questions so I know 100% is out of the question. Meanwhile, listening to my new Rammstein cd. It's great; and I didn't have to spend a penny, even better. A friend from school had the cd and was nice enough to lend it to me. He also lent me their DVD with music videos and concert clips.
Well beleive it or not, I had a productive day today. I finally got those courses done for work. The ones that needed to be done last september. It took me three hours to do and I did them as soon as I got home from school. I was only planning to spend an hour on them but at least I got them all done. And I get paid for doing them. So that's a bonus. I'm actually also planning on doing my physics homework as soon as I'm done writting in here. I wanna make sure I fully understand everything so that I get 100% on this test. I really want to maintain a 98-100% average in physics. Seeing as that's what I want to go to school for. I can't wait to get the quantum physics at the end of the year. I'm so upset that I lost "the elegant univers" book I had bought a little while ago. I was really looking forward to reading that book but I lost it in Deep River (I think). The whole book was on string theory. As soon as I'm done "the hole in the universe" I think I'm gonna try and get another copy of the book to read it.
I'm actually in quite a good mood this evening I don't really know why, but I don't question good things, I just take them :-). Maybe it's the music and the fact that I was productive today. I should listen to this song more often (Reise, Reise by Rammstein). Well, I'm starting to trail off so I'd better go. I have to finish my physics homework for sure, then maybe calculus homework. I need to get up early tomorrow (6:30) I wanna braid my hair before school and maybe work on my site. (Hopefully the philosophy/physics part). I also have to work tomorrow after school then have a biology quiz on Friday....yuk!!! I don't very much like that class, but I leave all my venting to my livejournal (which is in read-only mode right now.. Damn that server!!!) ok, now I'm just being crazy. Gotta go do homework :-)
Oh, and I'm working on the guest book thing, I'm not too sure on how exactly to make one so I'm gonna ask one of my room mates to help me out. Then you'll just be able to post comments there instead of having to e-mail me. :-). Hope you're enjoying Timmins mom, relax and have fun!
Not much has been happening lately. Just school and work. Got another quiz back from calculus, 96% and one from biology, 90%. So far my averages are, physics 98%, Calculus 89% and biology 87%. I have a physics test on thursday, which reminds me I got some homework to do for physics. My to do list is starting to pile up again. I've got a few things to do for work which I was supposed to get done last september, I have some forms to fill out and send for my health plan to pay for my contacts, I'm still waiting on the insurance company to get back to me about my new teeth. I have to get my permanent ones put in because the temporary fillings they did right after the accident are starting to fall apart. I'm finally cleaning my room, it was becoming quite a mess. I've got tons of laundry and started it tonight. I got some cds off of a friend from school, the new Ramstein cd, a metallica cd and the Ramstein Dvd. The new Ramstein cd has some really good tracks on it, and the Dvd has some awesome videos.
It's been quite a while, but I don't think I've written down that I died my hair and pierced my nose. I'm gonna try and set up the webcam to get some pics taken, but that might take a while as my to do list seems to be growing by the minute. I like the change. I like the nose piercing and my purple hair. It's too bad it's temporary (purple hair), I have to keep buying a new bottle every week to do touch ups, but it's better than diying it permanenetly then getting bored of it and not being able to change it back since my hair is so long. The piercings are doing ok. the nose one got infected again two days ago but seems to be doing fine today. I keep getting the new ear ones caught on stuff like my hair when I brush it out of my face or when changing or sleeping, so they hurt abit but they aren't infected or anything. Next month, once these piercings have healed I'm finally gonna get my belly button pierced. And hopefully by the time summer rolls around it'll be healed.
Well, I guess I had a little more to say than I thought. I should however go and get started on all that stuff I have to do, especially homework for physics. I'd like to maintain the 98% average.
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