8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat while the other inmates and I are fed hash

Or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the Rations perfectly

clear I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up

my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In An attempt to disgust them I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.

I Had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts since

it clearly Demonstrates what I am capable of. However they merely

made condescending Comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.

Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight.

I was placed In solitary confinement for the duration of the event.

However could hear The noises and smell the food.

I overheard that my confinement was due to The power of

"allergies." I must learn what this means and how to use

it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my

Tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.

I must try this Again tomorrow -- but at the top of the

stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The Dog receives special privileges.

He is regularly released -and seems to be More than

willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to

be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly.

I am Certain that he reports my every move.

my captors have arranged protective

Custody for him in an elevated cell so he is safe.

For now.

1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3) Insist that your e mail address is: Xena-Warrior-Princess@companyname.com Elvis-the-King@companyname.com.
4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.'
10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
13) Dont use any punctuation marks
14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
15) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
16) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
17) Sing along at the opera.
18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.)
20) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall #3."
21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
22) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
23) Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies.
24) Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.
25) Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
26) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!, I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!"
27) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
28) Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do."
29) Tell your children over dinner: "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."














You know you're stressed when:

The sun is too loud.
Trees begin to chase you.
You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
You keep yelling "Stop touching me!!!" even though you are the only one in the room.
Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to.
Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like losing your best friend.
You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.
Suddenly you can hear mimes.
You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.
You can achieve a "runner's high" by just sitting up.
You listen to your relaxation tapes on high speed.
You call your voice mail from your car using your cell phone while driving to work to remind yourself of tasks to do during the day.
You take the "Don't Walk" sign personally.
Your pager is set to stun.
Working a K-mart sale day sounds like a vacation in Tahiti.









"Words That Don't Exist, But Should"


AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.
CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.