**^1/2 ...and Baragon Too!

Despite not having all the kaiju in the title, it still has what I do believe to be the longest name in Godzilla movie history. Often cited as one of the best Godzilla movies ever made, there is still a few of us who were greatly disappointed with it. This movie never lived up to my expectations, and that’s rather sad considering my expectations weren’t rather low.

Once again the people at Toho decided to hit the "cosmic reset button" and pretend that the only movie to exist was the first one (the Godzilla of ’54). This time around Godzilla pops up to destroy Tokyo, and yes his goal really is to destroy stuff. Gone is the "force of nature" plot, this time Godzilla truly is evil, infused by the souls of the lives lost during World War II or something silly like that. Well to combat him, a mysterious old man (that might not actually exist) starts warping around Japan to awaken the legendary guardian monsters: Baragon, Ghidorah, and Mothra. Kind of strange considering that these monsters were purposely "killed" for trashing Japan a long time ago, so why they suddenly want to defend Japan is beyond me. Something to do with more souls or something. Yeesh, if I was a soul trapped in a monster’s body I probably would not enjoy it. Well apparently the old man really didn’t have to do anything, because conveniently people keep knocking these small statues over for no good reason. Well along with this cockamamie plot is the story of a JSDF admiral and his daughter, a "reporter" who makes low-budget docu-dramas. They mostly spend their time trying to get Godzilla to kill them, but they always fail. Anyways, Godzilla kicks the snot out of Baragon and proceeds to head towards Tokyo, where a massive battle between him, Ghidorah, and Mothra ensues. Mothra is killed, transfers her powers to Ghidorah, who becomes King Ghidorah. Then latter on, a chunk of one of those statues goes near him and he becomes Super-Duper-Glowing-Whatever-King-Ghidorah and proceeds to get blown up by Godzilla. In a move that looks likes something out of a lame movie (um... yep), the main character admiral guy pilots a sub into Godzilla’s mouth and pokes a hole in him, causing Godzilla’s thermonuclear energy to shoot out the hole and blows him up (and somehow the sub dude survives). Godzilla is defeated... but his still-beating heart rests on the bottom of the bay! Insert dramatic music here.

To be fair, the plot is fairly good. It keeps you entertained and has pretty good pacing. The actors of the movie do a better job then usual, portraying their characters right. Unfortunately though, they wanted to have the main story be some "mysterious ancient thingy", which means that since you are not suppose to understand it... you don’t. Of course, since you are confused, the movie feels longer and more boring than it is. There is some serious issues with the base plot, which can be explained by company politics. The movie feels rushed, with numerous plot elements that don’t make sense. From my understanding, it was rushed through production. Another problem is the monsters themselves not acting like themselves. They lack personality badly, with the exception of Baragon, who was done pretty well. Mothra ends up murdering people, which is so... so not Mothra. Sure she’s killed thousands of people before, but that was accidental. This time she pulls people under the water and wraps them in cocoons for... I don’t know why. King Ghidorah, formerly the "scourge of the universe", is the good guy this time, which of course I could never grasp my mind around. From my understanding the original plan was to have Baragon, Anguilus, and Varan be the main kaiju, and I think it would have worked much better that way. Another annoying plot element is the "nobody is safe" rule. Every time you see a character happily going through life and just wants to get a good look at the monsters fighting, well there is a good chance they are going to get squashed. This same pattern happens way to often in the movie, making it repetitive and predictable. The only characters immune to accidentally squishing is the main characters, who have the amazing ability to survive collapsing buildings. Now one key aspect in this movie is the anticlimactic feel you get very often. It seems as if there is a lot of building up to nothing. Monsters get ready to fight, beat each other up for a few minutes, and then Godzilla wipes them out with one shot. The military makes a massive effort to stop Godzilla, and then Godzilla wipes them out with one shot. Ghidorah keeps getting stronger and stronger, and then Godzilla wipes him out in one shot. One guy in a sub attacks Godzilla, and then he wipes Godzilla out in one shot. Notice a pattern? The biggest anticlimactic moment is the whole movie itself. You go in expecting an "all-out-attack", and instead you get a shorter than usual kaiju battle that, just when it starts to get interesting, slows down to a crawl to let the human characters have their dramatic moment. Thousands of years of literature completely ignored as they stop the climax in it’s tracks. What’s left is just the clean-up stage, which as usual is done with out much gusto. Salute the guardian monsters, for they fought hard! Ha, more like getting wiped out in one shot!

The movie starts off fairly well, with mystery building that keeps you wondering what the movie has in store for you. It begins with a jab towards the American "Godzilla" movie, and then the title blasts on the screen with some rather nice music (actually the sound and music are good throughout the movie). You get the occasional glimpse of a giant monster, building your tension. Then, Godzilla fully appears, but instead of producing awe and amazement, you are instead hit with laughter. All that wonderment that built up drains from your body as you see one of the goofiest looking kaiju, ever, trash the city. One would think that a super-powerful soul-charged ultra-evil Godzilla would look cool, right? Wrong! With his Little Orphan Annie eyes and his rubbery skin and overly jerky movements and his painful neck problem and his beer gut, I have a hard time being impressed. In fact, the rest of the monsters look downright stupid as well. It seems as if they stylized them to look like cartoons, failing to realize that cartoons never fit with the real world very well. They just look silly, especially when they really are cartoons (the computer generation looks faker then ever, especially underwater). King Ghidorah got screwed in his design as well, looking laughably silly especially when he first breaks out of his icy tomb. Also, due to his little evolutionary pattern, he doesn’t get shoot true gravity beams out of his mouth until the end... and only once. Mothra doesn’t look that bad, flying around in a fairly good-looking manner, but why the heck did they give a moth a stinger? Whose idea was it to give Mothra the ability to shoot spikes out of her butt? Baragon looks a little silly, but then again he always did. Probably the best kaiju design in the whole movie, and that’s not saying much. Now outside of some rather pathetic suitamation (not only do they look silly, they move around silly), you have some pretty descent special effects. Every once in a stroke of genius shines through with a dramatic shot or a good scene. There are good explosions, good model work, and good interaction with the environment. This could have been a great movie if they character designs didn’t make you cringe with laughter.

For the most part this movie is silly, funny, and pathetically laughable. The difference between this and a good bad movie is that it’s really not that entertaining. It’s almost like a parody, but since it’s suppose to be serious, you aren’t laughing that much. Instead you sit back and wonder why they ruined what you love. Why did they make Godzilla so stupid looking? Why did they come up with this screwy plot that ruins 50 years of history? I’m not sure why, but the truth is, I didn’t enjoy it. Not the first time watched it, nor the second time, and not even back when I just saw the concepts for the movie. Never liked it.

Pretty good overall plot with character development and descent pacing

Good at times special effects

Great sound and music, especially the title piece

Good acting; well-done cast choices

Well-done dramatic moments, but still a dose of good humor here and there

Descent fights between kaiju

Confusing, nonsensical screwy plot basis full of holes and unexplained stuff

Probably the worst design for Godzilla, and the rest were bad as well

Lack of character and substance to the minds of the kaiju; mostly they were just there because they were there

Poor movements in the suitamation, looked to fast and jerky with flailing arms floppy neck movements

Come on now, what the heck is up with the whole "infused with the souls of the dead" thing?

Numerous anticlimactic moments, repetitive plot devices, and some truly screwed-up logic

Would have been better with Anguilus and Varan, because obviously they don’t know how to use Ghidorah or Mothra properly

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