Bert
Original Screenplay ©2000
Cast
Alex Chihak as:
Bert
Zack Aydelotte as:
Mike
Tim Chihak as:
Jack
The movie starts out panning around Bert's grandson's room.
BERT: My mom's dead! My dad's dead, too! My mom's dead! My dad's dead, too! My mom's dead! My dad's dead, too!
JACK: Grandpa, calm down! Have you been drinking again?
I just got word that Susie's dead.
BERT: Who's Susie? (Shakes beer around) Come on! Who is she?
JACK: She's your daughter.
BERT: Man!
JACK: (camera cuts to Jack) Grandpa, you're daughter died. (Camera cuts to Bert) Grandpa, your daughter died! She had a heart attack…in her sleep. She had a heart attack in her sleep. They found her two days later because her dog was barking and such.
BERT: (Starts shaking, hits Jack in the back of the head)
JACK: OW! Grandpa! Ahh!
BERT: (Takes a few drinks of his beer)
JACK: Obsessive drinker, alcoholic, drinks too much, bar fly ...
BERT: (cuts Jack off) SHUT UP!!!
JACK: Grandpa, I have to go get the phone. (Exits)
BERT: (burps)
MIKE: (enters) Hey, Grandpa!
BERT: Hey, Mike.
MIKE: Watcha been doing lately?
BERT: Oh same ol', same ol', you know. Guzzlin' beers. (Takes a drink of beer, starts choking)
MIKE: Exactly. (Hits him on back) Get right! You know…
BERT: What do you need?
MIKE: What?
BERT: What did you come here for?
MIKE: Oh.
BERT: I mean Jack was here, but ...
MIKE: You know, I was walking down the sidewalk the other day, and I decided someday I'm gonna be like you. I'm gonna be old, and I'm gonna be on my death bed every day ...
BERT: Did you want to fight in a war? I was in World War (Starts thinking, counting fingers) II.
MIKE: I
BERT: II, II.
MIKE: I don't know.
BERT: I was in World War ...
MIKE: See, Grandpa, I don't remember that kind of stuff, though.
BERT: I was in World War II, and it was horrifying. See, how old are you, boy?
MIKE: Yeah you were over there fighting the, uh, English, right?
BERT: Yes, how old are you?
MIKE: Uh, just goes to show how ignorant you are. You weren't fighting the English, Grandpa; you were fighting the Nazis. What's your problem, man?
BERT: Well, I remember ... I remember.
MIKE: You don't know what you're talking about!
BERT: No, we were ...
MIKE: You DON'T know what you're talking about!
BERT: (yelling) We were going through a forest and we threw a couple grenades, and we held them hostage, and after that we were picked up by helicopter. I'M NOT LYING! I'M NOT LYING! (Whimpers)
(Camera cuts to war scene. People run around with guns and attack a Nazi camp while dramatic music plays)
(Camera cuts to Bert and then Mike)
MIKE: In that war, I got shot twice. Twice! Once by a German Nazi in that camp that we raided and another in boot camp…this happened before that…in boot camp, but my commanding officer! It was bad, I mean, he dropped his gun and it shot me! Hey, Jack! Jack!
JACK: (Enters) Yes, Grandpa?
BERT: Go, go get me another Haux and BUM beer.
JACK: (Exits and returns with a beer) Here you go, Grandpa.
BERT: (Takes it, smiling) All right. Now skid-il-ly-doo, dagnabit!
JACK: (Exits)
BERT: 95 years old I am. (He takes a drink of beer, and starts choking. He gets better) I remember my wife.
MIKE: Well, what do you remember about her?
BERT: It? Her! Gosh, what do I remember about her! Well she was beautiful and ... she died.
MIKE: (Exits)
(Camera cuts to him standing in front of a window) She died real hard.
(Camera cuts to him in front of his bed) Boy, am I tired. My left arm's tingling, too. (Lies down in bed, grabs his heart, starts choking, and his hand falls)
MIKE: (Enters, stands near door) And the day after that, he died!
(CREDITS)
