[Airplane lands in New York. Greg and Archie are in the cockpit with the pilot and co-pilot and one of our requested cameos.]
Greg: England!
Archie: Dude. Buy a globe. This is New York.
Greg: I know that, but I've always wanted to say that.
Pilot: FML.
Co-Pilot: My mom said there'd be days like this.
Forrest Gump: My mama always said life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
Greg, Archie, the Pilot and the Co-Pilot: ...
Forrest Gump: What?
Archie: Dude. How'd you get up here?
Forrest Gump: Have you seen some of the stuff posted on FanFiction.net? Compared to that, my appearing in a plane mid-flight is nothing.
Pilot: FML.
Co-Pilot: I should have returned my agent's call faster. I could be on Burn Notice right now instead of being a day player in some FanFiction.net story.
[Airplane lands at a private airport.]
Grissom: We're here.
Hodges: It took us two hours to wait on a plane so we could take a flight that was only, what? Three minutes long? We made it across the whole country during three minutes worth of commercials and it took us two hours to wait on the plane?
Dr. Gregory House, M.D.: Imagination. Use it!
Hodges: Oh.
Archie [to House]: Why are you here?
Dr. Gregory House, M.D.: Because Simply Laura said so.
Grissom: Thank you, Dr. House. [Puts on his reading glasses so he can read the script to see where everyone is going.] David, you and Doc Robbins head to the docks. Check on the progress on the ship. Nick, you and Vega can interview passengers. Greg, you start in dusting the ship for prints when it's above water.
Greg: All of it?
Dr. Gregory House, M.D.: No. Just part of it. [Throws newspaper at Greg.] Yes, all of it.
Grissom: You are my hero. [Shakes House's hand.] I've wanted to do that since season one when Greg put that Las Vegas showgirl headdress on and danced in the hall.
Dr. Gregory House, M.D.: You're welcome.
Greg: But the ship. It's…
Dr. Gregory House, M.D.: What? A baked potato?
Greg: That's my line.
Dr. Gregory House, M.D.: So what? I'm British, but no one knows that because I've spoken using an American accent for the past eight years on my own TV show. My own kids think I am American now, and my wife doesn't recognize me without the American accent. You went from a day player to a starring character what? Four seasons ago?
Greg: Five.
Dr. Gregory House, M.D.: Go print the damn ship.
Greg: Do you know how long that'll take me?
Hodges: Forty-four minutes? Give or take a second.
Dr. Gregory House, M.D.: It's been established that time is not a rigid construct.
Grissom: Thank you.
Dr. Gregory House, M.D.: How else do you think you can solve each and every case within forty-four minutes of airtime each week, fly across the country in under three minutes, and do all that other amazing scientific stuff that you do in a fraction of the time it takes people in the real world? The tests you run? Please. It can take days or even months or years to get those hits, and you always get them in less than thirty seconds.
Nick: Ah…the magic of television editing.
Greg: Well, if it's the magic of television, can't I just go back to our hotel room and everyone can pretend that I'm there doing my job? Can't I be edited in later?
Grissom: You can't.
Greg: Why?
Grissom: You're a plot point.
Greg: I am?
Grissom: Yes. You need to be there at the docks. One of our upcoming guest star cameos will find you there.
Greg: Who?
Grissom: I can't tell you that. To make it easier on you, you can take the fingerprint chick.
Greg [unenthused]: Yay.
Mandy: How do you think I feel? I was a day player for almost eight seasons before anyone could even remember my name.
Grissom [extends his hand]: I don't believe we've met. Dr. Gil Grissom. Las Vegas Crime Lab. And you are?
Mandy: Is he serious?
Catherine: Gil, it's Mandy. You know? Fingerprint girl?
Grissom: Doesn't Wendy do that?
Mandy: No. That's me. Remember?
Grissom: Oh, right. Right. Sorry. Jet lag. Thanks, Wendy.
Mandy: I'm not Wendy. I'm Mandy.
Grissom: Are you sure?
Mandy: FML.
Pilot: Word.
Grissom: Warrick, since there are a lot of implied sexual innuendos with you and Catherine, you can take her and start collecting evidence from the ship as well as the iceberg. The Coast Guard has it in their custody. It tried to flee the scene of the accident, but they caught it. [checks watch] Should be here within the next, oh, thirty seconds or so. After that, head out.
Warrick: Score!
Catherine: You want us to interview the iceberg?
Grissom: Of course. This is an investigation and the iceberg is our prime suspect.
Warrick: Oh, the magic of fan fiction.
Pilot: FML.
Catherine: Word.
Nick: At least you're not gay in your stories.
Simply Laura [voice echoes in the dramatic fashion used when God speaks to a character during a TV show or a movie as a bright light shines down on Nick as cute little cherubs fly around on clouds]: Nick?
Nick: It's the voice of God!
Simply Laura: No, it's not God. Nick, I'm the author of this story and I promise you, you're not gay. I think you and your alter ego George Eads are too hot to be gay.
Nick: Score!
George Eads: Score!
Pilot: FML.
Simply Laura: You're welcome. Oh, and George?
George Eads: Yeah?
Simply Laura: If things between you and Monika don't work out, call me.
George Eads: Score!
Simply Laura: And Nick?
Nick: Yeah?
Simply Laura: If TPTB do decide to give you a girlfriend, call me. Now, back to the story…
Grissom: Everyone else, hang out here until later on in the story. The writer is still working on plot lines for the rest of you.
[Meanwhile…at the docks with Doc Robbins and David Phillips]
Doc Robbins: David, jump in and check it. I'm heading to go change.
David: Geronimo! [Cannon balls into the ocean off of the dock, splashing Doc Robbins]
Doc Robbins: Was that really necessary?
[While David is investigating, Nick and Vega are watching as they're waiting on Doc Robbins to get changed into more appropriate gear for the case. David finishes his investigation and is helped out of the water by Wendy and Hodges, who have nothing to do right now since they're still waiting to see what the author has in store for them and helping David sounded a lot better than helping production assistants move scenery around.]
David [blows water out of his snorkel while he takes his mask off his face and unfastens the straps on his air tank]: I went down and checked the ship. It's official. The ship is dead. We'll need to wait on the Mythbusters to finish putting ping pong balls in it to help us get it out of there. I wonder if it'll fit in the autopsy room back in Las Vegas. [Gets lost in thought] Good news is that there are no signs of sexual trauma.
Everyone: …
David: [Sees everyone staring at him] What? Legally, I am required to check.
Greg: Yeah, but really, dude. This is a ship. How could it...?
Nick [interrupts Greg]: You really don't want to know. And why are you here? This isn't even your scene.
Greg: But what if I want to know and what if I want to be in this scene?
Warrick: You don't. Trust us.
Nick [to Warrick]: And you. You're supposed to be with Catherine as strategically placed sexual undertones play out, right?
Warrick [pulls out director's chair and sits down]: They told me I could come bother everyone here.
Greg: But I want to know!
Pilot: FML.
[Doc Robbins walks up. He's got on his swim trunks, a tank top, a floppy hat and has a rubber ducky float around his midsection and has painted his nose white with sunscreen]
Doc Robbins: All right. Who's first? [Brandishes a sternal saw and starts revving it up] When can I cut? Who am I cutting? I want to cut. I need to cut. I must cut. Cut. Cut. Cut.
David: Ooh, I forgot to bring mine!
Greg: Where's that plugged in at? I don't see a cord.
Dr. Gregory House, M.D.: Imagination! Use it.
Vega: Nick, we got a live one! Looks like a Scary Swamp Creature Mutated Monster Looking Thingy.
Dr. Gregory House, M.D.: [Was about to smack Greg with his cane but stops when Vega calls to Nick and instead pokes Greg in the ribs] Dude. You got lucky.
[Nick walks over to where Vega and the Scary Swamp Creature Mutated Monster Looking Thingy are as Doc Robbins continues to rev up his sternal saw]
Nick: Excuse me, Scary Swamp Creature Mutated Monster Looking Thingy? [Speaks slowly and enunciates as he points to himself] Me Nick. [Points to Vega] He Vega. [Points to Greg, who is mesmerized after a shiny object catches the sun, producing a glare] He...well. Never mind. What is your name? Were you on board the ship when it sank?
Scary Swamp Creature Mutated Monster Looking Thingy: Um…
Nick: These are not difficult questions. A simple yes or no will suffice.
Scary Swamp Creature Mutated Monster Looking Thingy: Um…
Jack Bauer: Let me try my way. [Grabs the Scary Swamp Creature Mutated Monster Looking Thingy by the shirt collar and starts shaking her] Where’s the bomb at? Tell me what we need to know, or else! Tell me where the bomb is! Dammit!
Scary Swamp Creature Mutated Monster Looking Thingy: Um…why are you here?
Jack Bauer: I was requested by CSI Angel! Dammit! [walks off]
Pilot: FML.
Vega: That was…
Nick: Strange?
Vega: That, too. [Reaches for the Scary Swamp Creature Mutated Monster Looking Thingy and grabs a handful of slimy seaweed off of her dress] Judging from the seaweed hanging off of her, I'd say she was a passenger.
Nick: All right, then. [Puts on gloves and starts to pick seaweed out of Scary Swamp Creature Mutated Monster Looking Thingy's hair] Vega, hand me an evidence bag. [Gets bag and puts seaweed in bag] I'll take this to Hodges for trace analysis.
Vega: It's seaweed.
Nick: You're really a master of the obvious. Your parents must be so proud.
Vega: I was raised by a tortoise.
Nick: ...
Vega: My parents died when I was six. Detectives found them wrapped in cabbage leaves. The tortoise was munching on my dad's left arm when they found my parents. The tortoise tried to escape, but couldn't. So DHS showed up and took me to an orphanage. The tortoise was the one to spring me.
Nick: ...
Vega: What? Can we get back to the seaweed now?
Nick: Um. Sure.
Vega: Now, where were we? [Thinks for a moment]. Oh. I remember now. It's seaweed.
Nick: I know that.
Vega: But why does Hodges need to analyze it?
Nick: I don't know. I don't know why he analyzes half the stuff on the show that he does. Guess it's the only way the writers have of keeping him in the show.
Vega: True.
Hodges: I heard that!
Nick [Hands Hodges the seaweed bags]: Here. Go analyze.
Hodges: Where? I don't see a... [Is interrupted by hissing sound and smoke and fireworks] Is that a genie?
Barbara Eden: Someone need a genie?
Vega: Aren't you dead?
Pilot: FML.
Jack Bauer: Dammit!
Barbara Eden: This is fan fiction. Duh. Now, who needed a genie?
Hodges: Me.
Barbara Eden: Your wish is my command.
Hodges [Looks as Barbara Eden disappears in a cloud of pink smoke. Hodges turns around and sees a brand new lab behind where he is standing]: God, I love fan fiction.
Scary Swamp Creature Mutated Monster Looking Thingy [jumping up and down, waving her hands]: Um…I'm still here.
Nick: Sorry. Ma'am, can you tell me your name? Anything?
Scary Swamp Creature Mutated Monster Looking Thingy: I have amnesia and can't remember my name.
Vega: Bummer.
Warrick [eating popcorn and a big pretzel off screen]: Word.
Sara: You got popcorn?
Warrick [offers Sara the bucket]: Help yourself.
Pilot: FML.
Jack Bauer: Dammit!
Nick: Can everyone just shut up? Need I remind you we only have forty-four minutes to solve this case?
Jerry Bruckheimer: Thirty-eight minutes.
Nick: Are you sure?
Jerry Bruckheimer: Of course I am. I'm the CSI god.
Nick: Whatever. Look, everyone. The next person to make a sound gets interrogated by Jack Bauer. Got it? [Off screen, someone sneezes.] Dammit! [Looks for Jack Bauer] Jack?
Jack Bauer: On it. [Leaves the frame.] Dammit! [A scream, then silence] Dammit! [A moment later, Jack Bauer emerges] Doc? You got one. Go saw.
Doc Robbins: Hot damn! [Revs up the sternal saw as he leaves the frame]
Nick: All right, Scary Swamp Creature Mutated Monster Looking Thingy. Back to you. What do you remember?
Scary Swamp Creature Mutated Monster Looking Thingy: I do remember that I'm a member of a long lost Russian Dynasty of noble kings and queens that was extinguished when the crusades started. I managed to run away from home, fleeing my native land, and arrived here, where I didn't know anyone and wound up falling in love in under an hour with one of the ship's officers who had about four total minutes' air time. We did it behind a lifeboat and now I'm knocked up, or so the script says. Sadly, my baby daddy didn't make it. I arrived on the Titanic earlier after escaping from an earthquake. Then I walked over from Australia after a typhoon damaged the orphanage I was volunteering in.
Vega: Um…you remember all that, but you don't remember your name?
Scary Swamp Creature Mutated Monster Looking Thingy: Yes.
Vega: So, let me get this straight. You survived the Crusades?
Scary Swamp Creature Mutated Monster Looking Thingy: Yes.
Vega: Then an earthquake?
Scary Swamp Creature Mutated Monster Looking Thingy: Yes.
Vega: Then a typhoon?
Scary Swamp Creature Mutated Monster Looking Thingy: Yes!
Vega: Then you fell in love with an officer who died on the ship who had less than four minutes' total airtime?
Scary Swamp Creature Mutated Monster Looking Thingy: Yes.
Vega: Which sank and ultimately left you covered in seaweed, which serves no real purpose except giving Hodges something to do?
Hodges: I heard that, too!
Scary Swamp Creature Mutated Monster Looking Thingy: Yes.
Vega: Girlfriend, you have to aim higher. Next time, aim for someone who has at least half an hour of screen time.
Nick: It's almost like I work with orangutans. Go to work, Hodges. We're gonna need those results in the next chapter.
Scary Swamp Creature Mutated Monster Looking Thingy: Are you done? Can I answer now?
Vega: Yes. Answer.
Scary Swamp Creature Mutated Monster Looking Thingy: Yes.
Vega: But you look perfect. No smudged makeup, not a hair out of place and yet, you have amnesia all of a sudden and can't remember your name?
Scary Swamp Creature Mutated Monster Looking Thingy: Yes.
Nick: Uh-huh.
Pilot: FML.
Jack Bauer: Dammit!
Vega [Looks at Nick]: So, you're thinking her name is what I think it is, right?
Nick [writes on an incident report]: Yep. [Finishes writing] Mary Sue it is, then.
Vega: That's what I was thinking, too.
[Nick and Vega notice a figure approaching Greg, who is nearby with Mandy as they are dusting a lifeboat for fingerprints. The figure has his gun drawn.]
Jack Bauer: You!
Greg [looks up and sees Jack Bauer holding a gun on him]: Um…help?
Jack Bauer: Dammit, tell me where the bomb is! [grabs Greg by the collar of his shirt] You will tell me what I need to know or it'll be a matter of how bad you want it to hurt. Dammit! Tell me where the bomb is!
Nick: Um…you're in the wrong show. Your show was on Fox. This is CBS.
Jack Bauer: Dammit. [Shakes his head] Wait, wait, wait! What do you mean, was?
Vega: Yeah, yours got canceled last year.
Jack Bauer: Dammit! [Adjusts his man purse] Dammit! I'm not even in syndication! Dammit! [Notices Vega] Weren't you on my show? Didn't you die from the Cordilla virus?
Vega: Nope. That was Jesse Borrego.
Jack Bauer: Dammit!
Pilot: FML.
Vega: I was on ER, though. I was in the first season, which was a few years before he was there [points to Nick]. I was also on Walker, Texas Ranger.
Nick: I didn't know you were on ER.
Jack Bauer: Dammit! Got any openings in your show?
Nick: Think we can kill off someone? Where's the author of this story?
Simply Laura: You rang?
Nick: Can we kill off someone so we can keep Jack Bauer around?
Simply Laura: Sure. This is my own fan fiction story. Who do you want killed?
Nick: I don't know. [Looks around] I'll let you know later on.
Simply Laura: You know where I'll be when you decide who you want me to kill off.
Jack Bauer [reaches in his man purse and pulls out a flame thrower, an M16, two RPGs, eight grenades, six bricks, a garden hose, a phone book, two bars of soap, a pair of socks, a slingshot, a bayonet, a crowbar, a sword, a T-Rex, baseball bat, four bricks of C4, a 9MM handgun, logging chains, half a dozen piranhas, a SCUD missile, some rope, an axe, two shovels, and Chuck Norris]: Did someone say kill off someone?
Nick [looks incredulously at Jack Bauer]: How'd you do that?
Jack Bauer: Do what?
Nick: That flame thrower. How'd you get it in that man purse?
Jack Bauer: Dammit! I'm Jack Bauer. Laws of physics, time travel, space, matter, energy, common sense, and traffic do not apply to me. My cell phone battery hasn't died in eight years, nor have I had a dropped call, and my onscreen daughter got chased by a cougar.
Vega: So?
Jack Bauer: In Los Angeles.
Vega: Dude. You have to fire that writer.
Sara: If that was my daughter, I'd kill myself.
Pilot: FML.
Wendy [to the pilot]: Dude. Give it up.
Warrick: Word. [Notices the popcorn bucket is empty. Most of the CSIs are behind him, eating popcorn] No fair!
Jack Bauer: I haven't eaten anything since the middle part of the first season. How else do you think I can make it four hours away in forty-four minutes of air time? Dammit!
Nick: Touché.
Jack Bauer: So, can I help? [aims gun at Nick] Or do you know where the bomb is?
Nick [looks at Vega and shrugs his shoulders]: Sure. Why not? Stay.
Vega: Got another one approaching. Jack, stay here. May need back up. [Motions to a ship's officer coming towards them with about twenty or so women swooning behind him]
Nick: Wonder what that's about. Sir, can I have your name, please?
Ioan Gruffudd: Ioan Gruffudd is my real name, but for all intents and purposes, my name is Lowe. Harold Lowe. Titanic's fifth officer.
Dr. Gregory House, M.D.: Ioan! Remember me?
Ioan Gruffudd: Um...aren't you American? Are you mocking my accent, my good man?
Dr. Gregory House, M.D. [grumbling]: I'm English. Dammit!
Jack Bauer: Bloody hell, you English commie! That's my line.
Dr Gregory House, M.D.: And I just stole it. I can do stuff like that because I've got a bum leg and everyone feels sorry for me.
Jack Bauer: And I haven't peed in eight years!
Dr. Gregory House, M.D. [Blinking incredulously]: You win.
Jack Bauer: Thank you. [Getting ready to leave] Almost forgot. Dammit!
Dr. Gregory House, M.D. [Turns to Ioan]: Remember 102 Dalmatians? We were in that movie together.
Ioan Gruffudd: Bloody hell! Yes! Sorry, ol’ chap. Didn't recognize you with the English accent. Funny. I always thought you were American.
Nick: Ahem. [Points to the gaggle of girls behind Ioan] And your posse is…
Ioan Gruffudd: All the Mary Sues that have been attached to me over at the Titanic section. Did these people forget that in real life Harold Lowe was a happily married man?
Nick. I feel ya, man. In the fan fiction stories I read, I'm gay.
Ioan Gruffudd: Bloody hell.
Nick: Tell me about it. At least you've been matched with Stepford Wife Mary Sue wannabes. I get stuck with Greg.
Ioan Gruffudd [Glances over at Greg, who is fighting with his air tank. Greg loses his balance and falls off the dock and into the water]: My condolences.
Greg: Um. Help?
Nick: [Looks over at Wendy, Hodges, and Warrick. They don't notice Nick looking until Nick whistles]: You want to go get him?
Wendy: Who?
Hodges: Why?
Warrick [looking like he's about to cry as he holds the empty popcorn bucket]: They ate my popcorn.
Nick: Greg. He fell off the deck and since you three don't have anything to do...
Wendy: All right. Let's go get him.
Hodges: Why?
Mandy: I'll be glad when we actually get a storyline.
Warrick: They eated my popcornz! I can haz more popcornz?
[The three of them start to fish Greg out of the water, but get interrupted as bright yellow Ford Ranger comes to a screeching halt behind them]
David Hasselhoff: I'm coming! [Rips his shirt off]
Catherine: Need eye bleach! Need eye bleach!
David Hasselhoff: I'm a lifeguard. I have to take my shirt off.
Sara: And a washed up singer.
David Hasselhoff: Truculence. [Dives in and rescues Greg. Gets out and with Greg over his shoulder in a fireman carry position, starts to run in slow motion as Chariots of Fire plays in the background.] He'll be fine. Have the doc check him over. [Throws Greg on the ground]
David: Doc Robbins is busy. I can check him.
Nick: Fine. Perfect. Excellent. Now, where was I?
David: I'm done.
Nick: Le damn. That was quick.
Pilot: FML.
Jack Bauer: Dammit!
David Hasselhoff: I am not a washed up singer!
Vega: And? How is he?
David: No signs of sexual trauma.
Everyone: ...
Nick: Alrighty, then. Moving on. Now, where was I?
Vega: Bitching about your CSI life?
Nick: Right. Right. [Clears throat] Seriously? [Throws clipboard down on the ground] The only girlfriend I ever had on this show was offed by her pimp boyfriend way the hell back in season one. I mean, how cruel is that? Not to mention the fact that I've been accused of her murder, had a stalker, been shoved out a window, shot, had guns drawn on me, been buried in a box only to be eaten by ants, had to interrogate Justin Bieber and I can't even get a girlfriend that stays around longer than four episodes before she kicks off. I'm gonna talk to the production crew about this when we get back from this imaginary trip into New York.
Justin Bieber: Hey guys!
Nick: Oh, hell, no!
Pilot: FML.
Jack Bauer: Dammit!
Warrick: I want popcorn!
Nick: I still have nightmares about working alongside this kid. [Grabs 9MM from Jack Bauer and starts firing]
Justin Bieber: Ouch. But I'm still here.
Nick: How?
Justin Bieber: My daddy is the T-100. Living tissue over a metal endoskeleton.
Jack Bauer: May I?
Nick: Have at it.
[Jack Bauer takes out his M16 and empties two clips, killing Justin]
Nick: Thank you.
Jack Bauer: I'm not done yet. [Throws the M16s down and reaches for the flamethrower. After incinerating Justin, Jack shoots him again. He then tosses down a grenade, which explodes a few seconds later] Now, I'm done.
Nick: You're my new hero.
Ioan Gruffudd: Um... [Starts to slowly back away before running off. Reaches the edge of the deck and cannonballs in, splashing Doc Robbins again]
Doc Robbins: Dude! [Looks up to see the Mary Sues converging] Stampede! [Jumps out of the way]
Mary Sue 1: Harry!
Mary Sue 2: Harold! Wait!
Mary Sue 3: Harold Lowe! I'm pregnant. You can't leave me. We're destined to be together.
Mary Sue 4: Harry! [Runs after Ioan Gruffudd but stops in front of Vega] To hell with him. I can't swim anyway. [Approaches Vega] I know we just met, but I'm deeply in love with you. Marry me!
Vega: Um…help?
Catherine: The hell you say! [Snatches flame thrower from Jack Bauer] He's mine!
Mary Sue 4: But we're destined to be together. You can't! It'll ruin my happily ever after. It's been written out. I have to wind up happy.
Catherine [Looks up at the sky]: Need some help here.
Simply Laura: Nuke her!
Catherine: Gladly. Hasta la vista, baby! [Uses the flamethrower] Another one bites the dust. Another one bites the dust. And another one gone, and another one gone. Another one bites the dust.
Vega: Wow.
Bobby Dawson: I want that!
Brass [Handcuffs Bobby Dawson]: Bobby Dawson, you're under arrest for the shooting death of this girl, Justin Bieber.
Bobby: But I wasn't even in that scene...
Brass: You're the gun guy. Remember?
Bobby: Oh, yeah...but I didn't shoot him.
Warrick: Her.
Bobby: Fine. I didn't shoot her.
Warrick: That's too bad. Whoever did would have been a hero.
-begin flash forward sequence-
Random Announcer Man: We're gathered here today to present the Nobel Peace Prize for outstanding humanitarian work to Bobby Dawson from the Las Vegas Crime Lab. Bobby, come on down and collect your award and say a few words.
[cheering and applause as Bobby walks towards the stage]
Bobby: Yes. Thank you. Thank you. I am the one who shot Justin Bieber. I am the one who brought humanitarianism back to the music scene. Though I am one man, I had a dream. That dream was a lofty one, but one I ultimately felt I had to undertake it, and in honor of everyone else who had the same dream as I did, keep reaching. Thank you. [crowd goes wild as crepe paper and confetti fall from the sky] Thank you.
-end flash forward-
Bobby: Okay. I did it. Arrest me.
Brass: Well, that was easy.
David [approaches Justin's body]: What do we have here? [Checks under a white sheet that magically appeared during the Bobby Dawson flash forward sequence] Looks like a little gay alien hermaphrodite with extensive fourth degree burns and oh, look here. This kid must be Donald Trump's mutant spawn.
Vega: Why's that?
David: His hair. Completely in place. Not a single hair out of place. Even with a head shot. Looks like a 9MM. Oh, and guess what?
Nick: What?
David: No signs of sexual trauma.
Detective Alexandra Eames: That'll be enough. We'll take it from here.
Detective Robert Goren: You've done enough.
Nick: Who the hell are you?
Law and Order Announcer Dude: In New York City's war on crime, the worst criminal offenders are pursued by the detectives of the Major Case Squad. These are their stories.
Nick: And what the hell was that?
Detective Robert Goren: What was what?
Detective Alexandra Eames: He means our intro announcer.
Detective Robert Goren: Oh. Him. He follows us around.
Vega: Um. Why?
Detective Alexandra Eames: It's in our contract. Everywhere we go, Law and Order Announcer Dude follows us.
Detective Robert Gordon: Dramatic, huh? We can't all wear shiny sunglasses and yank them off during tense moments.