Grissom [to everyone]: I see you've met Detectives Eames and Gordon.
Detective Robert Goren: It's Goren.
Grissom: Whatever.
Vega: Why are they here? I'm the detective. Dammit!
Grissom: According to Jerry Bruckheimer, we only have about thirty-seven minutes of airtime left, so we brought in reinforcements to help with the case, or at least the part involving the death of that young man with the most Godawful haircut I've ever seen.
Brass: Girl.
Grissom: Huh?
Brass [pointing to the steaming pile of human remains]: That's a girl.
Grissom: Dude…really?
Nick [clapping his hands]: And this concludes my demonstration of the sort of things people say when they've suffered severe head trauma. [Stands in front of the camera] Can I please get back to my investigation now that Benson and Stabler Part Deux are here?
Detective Alexandra Eames: So…which one am I? Benson or Stabler?
Detective Robert Goren: That whole last chapter took up just one minute of airtime?
Warrick: I want popcorn!
Mandy: Can I have a storyline now?
Vega [referring to Eames and Goren]: They don't look better than I do [to Catherine]…do they?
Catherine: Not at all, [makes googly eyes at Vega as she flips her hair over her shoulders] Detective Vega.
Vega [making googly eyes at Catherine as he flexes his biceps]: You're welcome, CSI Willows.
Nick: Am I imaginary? Can anyone see me? [Jumps up and down, yelling and waving his arms] Hello? Um…hello? It's me? CSI Level Three Nick Stokes! I'll be promoted to assistant supervisor on grave shift before too much longer after Grissom and Sara leave. Then Lawrence Fishburne joins as Ray Langston, but then Sara will come back and Grissom will transform into Billy Petersen and will be a producer. Anyone remember any of this?
Grissom: Nick! Weren't you buried in a box in the last chapter after you got kidnapped? When did you get out? How did you get out? Did I go rescue you?
Sara: I leave? I don't want to leave.
Nick: FML.
Pilot: Word.
Jack Bauer: Dammit!
Mandy: I still want a storyline.
Warrick: I still want popcorn.
Nick: Let's get o...
Hodges [is in the background and has interrupted Nick by singing along rather loudly while listening to his iPod]: I feel pretty…oh, so pretty. I feel pretty and witty and bright. And I pity any girl that isn't me tonight. [Realizes everyone is looking at him. He takes his iPod headphones off] Where is the Law and Order Announcer Dude when I need him?
Law and Order Announcer Dude: In New York City's war on crime, the worst criminal offenders are pursued by the detectives of the Major Case Squad. These are their stories. [Law and Order ominous dun dun sound]
Hodges: Thank you.
Brass: I Feel Pretty? Dude…and everyone thinks Nick is the gay one.
Nick: I'm not gay! Dammit!
Pilot: FML.
Jack Bauer: Dam…oh, wait...he already said that. I don't have any other catch phrases.
Mandy: I still want a storyline.
Warrick: I still want popcorn.
Nick [lets out a shrill whistle that stops everyone in their tracks]: All right! Listen up! Grissom, you and Sara go interview the passengers. Warrick and Catherine, go interview the iceberg. Vega and I will go interview the crew. Mandy, you're on fingerprint detail with Greg. Hodges, go analyze seaweed. Wendy...
Hodges [interrupting Nick as he's looking at the bag of seaweed]: But I already know what it is. It's seaweed. As usual, I solved the case.
Nick: Hodges, go analyze the damn seaweed or I'll make your next scene involve checking that seaweed for signs of sexual trauma!
Hodges [leaves]: Analyzing!
Nick: Wendy, go with Detective Eames and Goren. Help them. Maybe you'll find a storyline over there somewhere.
Detective Robert Goren: I get to be Ice T!
Wendy: I get to be Benson!
Detective Alexandra Eames: I get to be Stabler. Oh, wait…
Nick: Super Dave and Doc Robbins? [Doc Robbins doesn't hear Nick, as he's still revving up his sternal saw]. Doc? [Still being ignored]. Never mind. Archie?
Archie: What?
Nick: Got a storyline for you. [Holds out his hand and a hand from the side of the frame gives Nick a DVD] Video surveillance footage. Go watch it.
Archie [looks at a three disc special edition collector set of Titanic]: Um…
Nick: What? It's archival footage. Sort of. Think of it as security footage on a budget.
Archie: Um…
Nick: Archie, just go watch the damn movie. We spent all our money for this episode on guest stars. As a result, Jerry was only able to buy the DVD at a yard sale. Look for clues. [Archie leaves the scene] It's like I'm like Celine Dion. It's all coming back to me now. I know I should have stayed buried in that box. I wonder what it'd take for me to get buried in that box again…
[Orchestra starts playing the Titanic song as Celine Dion steps out from nowhere and starts singing]
Celine Dion: Every night in my dreams, I see you, I feel you. That is how I know you go on. Far across the distance and spaces between us, you have come to show you g…
Nick [interrupting Celine Dion mid-song]: Right case, wrong song. I said It's all coming back to me now.
Celine Dion: Oops. [Orchestra starts playing It's All Coming Back to Me Now] But when you touch me like this, and you hold me like that, I just have to admit that it's all coming back to me…
Nick [interrupting again]: Am I the only one that remembers we have less than thirty-six minutes of airtime left?
Celine Dion: Can I finish the chorus at least?
Nick [sighs and crosses his arms]: Go on.
Celine Dion [orchestra keys up and starts playing again]: But when you touch me like this and you hold me like that, I just have to admit that it's all coming back to me. When I touch you like this, and I hold you like that, it's so hard to believe, but it's all coming back to me now…[Carries out the ow sound of now for an additional twenty seconds or so]. Okay. I'm done.
Nick: All right. Can I get on with my investigation?
Hodges [approaches Celine Dion]: You travel with your own orchestra? You're awesome.
Celine Dion: Of course I'm awesome. I'm Celine Dion.
Nick [annoyed]: Hodges. Seaweed. Go. Now. Analyze. Sexual trauma.
Pilot: FML.
Nick [to Pilot]: Dude, why are you even still here?
Pilot: Um…hello? How else do you plan on getting back to Vegas at the end of this story? Magic balloon?
Nick: Well, this is fan fiction, but point taken. Fine. You…uh…you can…um… [Notices Warrick still holding the empty popcorn bucket] Right. Pilot dude, go find Warrick some popcorn.
Pilot: FML.
Jack Bauer: Dammit!
Mandy: I want a storyline!
Warrick: I want popcorn!
[Loud noise and a splash]
Greg: What was that?
Nick: Oh. [Waves to Jamie and Adam] The Mythbusters are done. They have floated the Titanic with ping pong balls. How many did it take, guys?
Adam: Four.
Nick: Um…four ping pong balls? You mean four million?
Jamie: No. Four. As in one, two, three, four!
Nick: …
Adam: It's fan fiction. Duh.
Nick: Um…moving on then. [Turns around to face everyone] We all have our assignments. Now go!
[Everyone scatters]
Nick: I really know now that I should have stayed buried in that box. I wonder where Quinton is…I'm all by myself right now on this case.
[Orchestra starts playing the opening notes of All By Myself]
Celine Dion: All by myself. Don't want to be all by myself anymore. Hard to be sure, sometimes I feel so insecure and love so distant and obscure remains the cure…
Nick: I'm never gonna get done now. So, now, whenever I say any words that are in a Celine Dion song, I get her and her orchestra?
Law and Order Announcer Dude: I'd offer to help you out, but I'm busy with Eames and Gordon.
Detective Robert Goren: It's Goren.
Law and Order Announcer Dude: Sorry. [Clears throat] In New York City's war on crime, the worst criminal offenders are pursued by the detectives of the Major Case Squad. These are their stories. [Law and Order ominous dun dun sound]
[Meanwhile…with Catherine and Warrick as they interview the iceberg]
Catherine: You want to do the talking, or should I?
Warrick: I still want popcorn.
Catherine: …
Iceberg: Let's get this over with. I'm missing poker night with the guys.
Catherine: Nice pun. [Flips to a fresh scene report] Okay. This is my first time interviewing an iceberg. State your name, please, for the record.
Iceberg: Atlantic Iceberg Number 114.
Catherine: All right. Atlantic Iceberg Number 114. Can you tell me your version of events?
[In the background, Celine's orchestra starts playing the opening notes of This Time]
Nick: Dammit!
Catherine: What'd you say?
Nick: I said The life I'm meant to lead.
[Orchestra plays again as Celine sings while Nick continues to repeat dammit over and over]
Catherine: Okay. Back to our investigation. I just asked you for your version of what happened. Please state for the record what you saw.
Iceberg: Ship goes err, I go ahh. Ship goes bam, I go ahhhhh!
Catherine: Okay. So when you went ahhhhh you were where exactly?
Iceberg: In the ocean.
Catherine: Okay. And when you went ahh, you were where exactly?
Iceberg: In the ocean.
Catherine: Right. Okay. Did the ship try to avoid you?
Iceberg: They tried. They failed. I won. Pwned! Pwned! Pwned! Major pwnage!
Catherine: By they tried—what does that mean?
Iceberg: Captain Smith tried to maneuver around me. He missed. Poor dude. Pwned!
Catherine: Unless Warrick has any questions... [glances over at Warrick, who is off to one side, still holding his empty popcorn bucket, still looking like he's about to cry] Never mind. That's all we have here. One of the other CSIs will be by later to take your fingerprints and collect trace evidence.
Warrick: I still want popcorn!
Iceberg: I have fingerprints?
[And now we go to Sara and Grissom, who are interviewing passengers, even though Nick said to interview the crew]
Grissom: My name is Dr. Gil Grissom, Las Vegas Crime Lab and this is…uh… [Stares at Sara] Jorja Fox. We're here…
Sara: Dude. I'm Sara Sidle.
Grissom: No, you're Jorja Fox. I'm Billy Petersen. I'm pretty sure you're still Jorja Fox. [Points to Nick] And there's George Eads. [Points to Greg] And there's Eric Szmanda. [Points to Brass] And there's Paul Guilfoyle.
Sara: I know that. We're in character now. You can only call me Jorja when we're not in character.
Grissom: So, I can't call you Jorja?
Sara: No. I'm Sara Sidle right now. [Points to name on her vest] S-I-D-L-E. See? Me Sidle. You Grissom.
Grissom: So, I'm not Billy Petersen anymore?
Sara: ...
Grissom: I'm confused. [Thinks for a moment] Moving along. [Turns to a man dressed in a tux.] So, what is your name, son?
Caledon Hockley: Caledon Hockley. My father is Nathan Hockley. We own the Hockley Steel…
Sara: Who cares?
Caledon Hockley: Do you know who I am?
Sara: Um...Billy Zane?
Caledon Hockley: Who?
Sara: You're Billy Zane. I remember you from Back to the Future. Remember? You were one of Biff's thugs.
Caledon Hockley: ...
Sara: Michael J. Fox? Christopher Lloyd? Time travel? Flux capacitor? Eighty-eight miles per hour?
Caledon Hockley: I'm Caledon Hockley. My father is Nathan Hockley. We own the Hockley Steel Company. We're rich. Our steel was used to build the Titanic.
Sara: But it sank.
Caledon Hockley: I'm Caledon Hockley. My father is Nathan Hockley. We own the Hockley Steel Company. We're rich. Our steel was used to build the Titanic.
Sara: Your company was used to make it, right?
Caledon Hockley: I'm Caledon Hockley. My father is Nathan Hockley. We own the Hockley Steel Company. We're rich. Our steel was used to build the Titanic.
Sara: Yeah, yeah. I got that part. According to witness statements, ship goes err, I go ahh. Ship goes bam, I go ahhhhh! Was that how it went down?
Caledon Hockley: I'm Caledon Hockley. My father is Nathan Hockley. We own the Hockley Steel Company. We're rich. Our steel was used to build the Titanic.
Grissom: So, you are..?
Caledon Hockley: I'm Caledon Hockley. My father is Nathan Hockley. We own the Hockley Steel Company. We're rich. Our steel was used to build the Titanic.
Grissom [starts to laugh]: This is classic. And your name is?
Caledon Hockley: I'm Caledon…
Sara [interrupting]: Kill me.
Jack Bauer [holding two bricks of C4, a 9MM, and a baseball bat]: Kill who? Who can I kill?
Doc Robbins: Can I cut? [Revs sternal saw]
David Phillips: Any signs of sexual trauma?
Sara: Ugh. [points to Caledon Hockley] Kill him. Please.
Jack Bauer [Eyes light up as he starts thinking on how to kill Caledon Hockley]: What do you think? This [Holds up bayonet] or this [Holds up diamond-crusted jeweled sword circa Cleopatra's era in Egypt]?
Sara: Go for the sword.
Jack Bauer [drops both]: Right. Rocket launcher it is then. Dammit! [Runs out of the frame, chasing Caledon Hockley with the rocket launcher]
Sara: Who's next? [Haughty looking woman comes over and stays about ten feet away.] You'll need to come closer in order for me to interview you.
Ruth DeWitt Bukater: I can't.
Grissom: Why?
Ruth DeWitt Bukater: You're p…p…p…poor. I can't get near you. I'll be infected with the p…p…p…poor virus.
Sara: Didn't you whore your daughter out to Caledon Hockley so you could marry her off rich and you can stay in the life you want?
Ruth DeWitt Bukater: I don't know what you mean. I'm rich. We're the DeWitt Bukater family.
Sara: Ma'am. We have you on tape for child abuse and child endangerment, as well as lying, prostitution, and racketeering.
Ruth DeWitt Bukater: Um…what?
Sara: Archie?
Archie: Yeah?
Sara [motions to Ruth]: The video evidence. Show it to her.
Archie [Shows Ruth DeWitt Bukater the scene where she told Rose the money is gone and continues playing the scene where she yanks on Rose's corset]: Seen enough? Huh? Have ya? [Gets in Ruth's face] Do you need to see more? I've uncovered more! They're in the third disc. Oh, yes, there's a whole disc of special features. You're going down, woman! Down!
Ruth DeWitt Bukater: I need a lawyer.
Sara: But you can't afford a lawyer. You're p…p…p…poor now that your daughter is d…d…d…dead.
Ruth DeWitt Bukater: I am not p…p…p…poor. I can't even entertain the thought or even say the word. [Looks around] Who do I need to sleep with to make this go away? I mean, how else could I marry off my seventeen-year-old daughter to some middle-aged man with a narcissistic complex such as Cal unless I slept with someone? [Looks happy for a moment as a thought hits her] Cal! I'll sleep with Cal! I'll be rich! [Runs off frame]
Sara: And I thought my family was messed up.
Grissom: Should we tell her that Caledon Hockley's steel business will likely be sued, shut down, and bankrupted by the time this goes to trial?
Sara: Nah. She had it coming to her.
Pilot: FML.
Jack Bauer: Dammit!
Warrick: I have popcorn! Yay!
[meanwhile…with Greg and Mandy]
Mandy [speaking in a monotone]: I finally get a storyline. [Lazily slops fingerprint powder on the side of the ship with a fingerprint duster] I've been waiting all day to get a decent storyline and instead, I'm stuck. [Grabs a handful of fingerprint powder and throws it at the ship] With Greg. [Dumps the bucket of fingerprint powder upside down] As we print a damn ship. [Looks at the ship. They've only gotten about a two inch by two inch section dusted] We're gonna be here all day long.
Greg: That's why I called in reinforcements.
Mandy: Who?
[dramatic theme music]
Greg: David Copperfield!
Mandy: Um…
Greg: You know? In Vegas? He's a magician.
David Copperfield: Illusionist!
Greg: Whatever.
David Copperfield: I need a lady from the audience! [Turns to Mandy and takes her by the hand] Have we ever met before?
Mandy: Yeah. During rehearsals for the scene before we left Vegas. It was…
David Copperfield: Ahem.
Mandy: Oh, right. No. No, we've never met.
David Copperfield: Fantastic. Now if you'll take this [hands Mandy the edge of a white sheet] while I hold on to the other end. [Snaps his fingers and a magic wand appears] Abracadabra! [puff of smoke] It's gone!
Greg: Um…what is?
Warrick [off screen]: My popcorn! My popcorn is gone!
David Copperfield: Whoops. My bad.
[Meanwhile, with Nick, Super Dave, and Vega]
Nick [taking photographs of the iceberg as Vega holds his handcuffs in his hand, trying to figure out how to put them on the iceberg]: Looks like a gash on the upper right quadrant of the berg with what looks like black paint chips. [Scrapes paint chips off the iceberg and puts the chips in an evidence bag as Vega starts trying to climb the iceberg to handcuff it] I'll give these to Hodges to see if he can match the paint fragments to the ship [Vega now has a blow dryer and is attempting to melt the iceberg so his cuffs will fit]. Super Dave, you got something?
David: [Watches as Vega continues to melt the berg. He suddenly gives up and starts to jump from the iceberg before letting go and doing a two and three quarter back flip barrel roll front tuck with a side stepping swan entry into the water below] Dude! I'm next. [Starts to get up].
Nick: Yo! Super Dave! Before you go dive in, what do you have?
David [examining the side of the iceberg while Nick works]: Oh…uh…no signs of sexual trauma.
Nick: …
David: Sorry. I have to check. I'm legally required to check. Doc Robbins has to cut and I have to check. [Sound of a sternal saw revving up in the background] Can I go now? Please? Please?
Nick: …
David: Yay! [Takes off shirt and climbs the iceberg and starts to swing. Lets go and splashes below]
Nick [Finds Jack Bauer. Gets shovel out of Jack Bauer's man purse and starts to dig a hole.]: I'll fix this. [Yells off screen as he continues to dig] Can someone find Quentin Tarantino? My life was so much easier when I was buried in a box. I'm still all by my...[Realizes what he just started to say] Dammit!
[Scene fades to black as Celine Dion sings All By Myself again]