[Nick is still digging a hole in the dock from last chapter. It looks like the scene in Beetlejuice when Adam and Barbara are in the cemetery digging up Beetlejuice's grave]
Hodges: Where'd all the cardboard come from? [Eating popcorn as he looks down in the hole Nick has dug] And where's the water? You're digging in a wooden dock.
Dr. Gregory House, M.D.: Imagination! Use it!
Warrick [points to Hodges]: He has mah popcorn!
Hodges: Not yours. [Hides popcorn in his pockets] Is mine. All mine. Mine, mine, mine, mine!
Nick: Hodges! Seaweed! Analyze! Now! Sexual trauma!
Hodges: Analyzing!
Mandy: Bury me, too. Please. I beg ya. I'm about to die of boredom.
Nick: Here. [Hands Mandy the shovel] I have to go. I'm in the next scene.
Pilot: FML.
Jack Bauer: ...
Nick: Jack!
Jack Bauer: What?
Nick: You're supposed to say dammit.
Jack Bauer: Sorry. I was on the phone doing a voiceover for Bank of America. [Clears throat after he puts his phone away] Dammit! [Turns to Nick] Better?
Nick: Much.
[Brass is with Catherine and Warrick and is checking on how their interview with the iceberg went]
Brass: Catherine, did the iceberg give up anything? We've got conflicting statements as to what happened. Vega and Nick still have to interview the crew and Grissom and Sara will be in the next scene as they interview some more of the passengers. [Notices Warrick carrying the empty popcorn bucket] Off screen actors ravage the stash?
Warrick: It's gone. [Overly dramatic sniffle] My popcorn is gone. Hodges stoled my popcorns!
Catherine: Weirdest thing, too. One minute it's here, one minute it's gone. [Warrick is close to tears now] Anyway, moving on. The iceberg gave his statement and I quote, "Ship goes "err," I go "ah." Ship goes "bam," I go "aaaahhhh!"
Brass [looking confused]: That sounds so familiar.
Catherine: What does?
Warrick: Mah popcorn. It's...gone [another overly dramatic sniffle]. They be stealin' mah popcorn! Hodges has mah popcorn!
Hodges: No, I done stole your popcorn and I done ate it.
Nick [off screen to Hodges]: Seaweed. Analyze. Now. Sexual trauma. We'll need the results in the third act. You don't want to be cut from the show like Wendy!
Hodges: Analyzing! [Leaves frame]
Wendy: I get cut from the show?
Nick [remains off screen]: Oops…
Mandy: Bummer.
Wendy: Do I at least get a proper sendoff? You know, like Sara? Even having the snippet at the end like Grissom when he found Sara in what was supposed to be Belize but was really Jerry Bruckheimer's backyard? Heck, even Warrick got a proper good-bye when he kicked off.
Grissom and Sara [together]: We left?
Warrick: I die?
Jerry Bruckheimer: I have a backyard?
Mrs. Jerry Bruckheimer [pulls Jerry off screen]: Forgive him. He didn't take his medication this morning. He was on the phone earlier with the execs at CBS trying to pitch a new show called 'CSI: Forks' starring the Cullen clan.
Mandy: Forks?
Vega: Are knives and spoons not good enough?
Archie: What's a Cullen clan?
Nick [remains off screen]: The vampires are the Cullens and Forks is where the vampires are. Can we get back to the case?
Grissom: Discovery Channel, right?
Nick [guess what! He's still off screen]: Dammit!
Jack Bauer: How about bloody hell for a new catch phrase?
Mandy [To Jack Bauer]: Dude, you could totally rock it, too. [She starts flipping through a script of a future episode] Wendy, looks like you get about thirty seconds of airtime with Hodges before being whisked away by CBS Security Officers and escorted off the lot.
Wendy: Bummer.
Mandy: Oh, look! [Points to script] You're hauled out of the studio at gunpoint!
Brass: Um...where was I?
Mandy [flips through more of the script]: According to this, you weren't involved.
Brass: That's not what I meant.
Catherine: So, anyway, what sounds familiar?
Brass: I don't remember.
Catherine: Why, oh, why must I always be the responsible one?
Nick [Yep. Still off screen]: Welcome to the club.
Brass: I remember now. It was the iceberg's statement. I've heard it before but I don't remember from where...
Catherine: Um. We have a crime here. Can we concentrate?
Brass: I know that I know the line from somewhere...but I just can't place where...
Catherine: Can we concentrate here? Iceberg? Sunken ship? Sound familiar?
Brass: Did I say it?
Vega [eating popcorn]: No. Couldn't have been you. Grissom has all the snazzy one liners on this show, doesn't he [flexes butt muscles], Catherine?
Catherine: Of course he does [Adjusts her cleavage and takes some of his popcorn and bats her eyelashes as she flirts], Detective Vega.
Warrick: They both has mah popcorns!
Brass: And everyone yells at me when I go off topic. Anyway, what were you talking about?
Catherine: The case. Remember?
Brass: Right. The case at hand. [Yanks popcorn bucket out of Warrick's hands] The crime of the missing popcorn. [Hands Catherine the popcorn bucket] Print this. Stat!
Warrick [wailing]: No! They be stealin' my bukkit!
Catherine: Stat? [Brass leaves the scene and Catherine follows] This isn't ER.
Vega: I was on ER [flirts with Catherine].
Catherine [bats her eyelashes]: I was, too. I slept with George Clooney.
Sara: Ohmigawd! I was on ER also.
Catherine: Really?
Sara: Totally. I was a lesbian, though.
Grissom: Bummer.
Hodges: No kidding? I was on ER also. I had about five minutes of airtime. I got to boss Carter around in season two.
Warrick: I wasn't on ER. [Overly dramatic sniffle] And I still don't have popcorns.
Wendy: I wasn't...oh, wait! I was on ER. I had a storyline with Noah Wylie. Or was it George Clooney?
Brass: Was I on ER?
Wendy: Or was it Anthony Edwards?
Archie: Can I be on ER?
Wendy: It's off the air.
Archie: Bummer!
Pilot: FML.
Jack Bauer: Bloody hell!
Everyone: …
Jack Bauer: Uh…dammit?
Everyone: Much better.
Nick: And I was on ER as well. I kissed Juliana Margulies.
Catherine: Who?
Nick: Dammit! [Muttering] I'm going to check on Mandy and to make sure Greg hasn't drowned himself yet.
Jack Bauer: I really need a new catch phrase.
Pilot: You can't use mine. FML.
[Nick and Brass check on Mandy and Greg's progress]
Nick: Any usable prints?
Greg: Not to state the obvious here, but the ship sank. The prints will be washed off. So, we're doing this why?
Nick: It's fan fiction. Duh.
Greg: So?
Hodges [in the singing along to his iPod in the background off camera]: ‘Cause tonight for the first time just about half past ten for the first time in history, it's gonna start raining men. It's raining men! Hallelujah! It's raining men! Amen!
Everyone: ...
Hodges: What?
Brass: The Weather Girls? Really? Looks like those fan fiction authors got it wrong. I have yet to see Nick dancing to I Feel Pretty or It's Raining Men during this story and he's supposed to be the gay one. With Greg.
Nick: Dammit! I'm not gay!
Greg [Everyone looks at Greg. He's on his back looking for shapes in the clouds]: That one looks like a butterfly. That one looks like a brontosaurus.
Jack Bauer: I really need a new catch phrase.
Pilot: You still can't use mine. FML.
Brass: I really need to figure out where I know the iceberg's statement from. It's so familiar...
Nick [shakes head]: Where was I?
Greg: Ooh! And there's a tree!
Hodges: Fingerprints!
Nick: Right. The prints will be there. Because this is fan fiction, scientific facts like that don't matter here. Aside from which, remember that we're not really CSIs. We're actors portraying CSIs. [Points to Vega] Just like he's an actor portraying a cop.
Vega: Blasphemy!
Greg: That one could be a bunny or maybe a fire truck.
Brass: Anything for me?
Nick: Yeah, I think I got something. We were in the middle of that when Vega did a swan dive off the iceberg. I was collecting trace and...
Mike Rowe [interrupts Nick]: My name is Mike Rowe. [Throws fingerprint powder at the ship] And this is my job.
Nick: ...
Mike Rowe: We're here at [looks around as a camera crew follows] some random dock in New York City with the CSIs from Las Vegas as they investigate the sinking of the Titanic.
Nick: ...
Mike Rowe: I'm here with…um...what's your name, son?
Nick: ...
Mike Rowe: Apparently this young man is a mute. Moving on.
Hodges [shoves Nick out of the way]: I'm David Hodges. [Holds up the bag of seaweed] And this is seaweed. I carefully analyzed the specimen given using a mass spec...
Mike Rowe: Um…it's seaweed. Even I can see that.
Hodges: Blasphemy!
Mike Rowe: Whatever. [Turns to Nick] Can you speak? Tell me your name?
Nick: Um...Nick. Nick Stokes.
Mike Rowe: He speaks! So Nick, Nick Stokes, what are we doing here?
Nick: I've been asking myself that since chapter one.
Mike Rowe: Looks like…uh... [Fades off as he looks at Mandy, who looks comatose from boredom] What is it?
Vega: We're from a show about investigating criminal acts. What do you think we're doing? Turning old toilet seat covers into Christmas wreaths?
Nick: It's a mad world. [Watches as a woman dressed from head to toe in red spandex with black webbing walks by] And it just got madder. [Points to the strange woman] What was that?
Vega [pulls his pants up and straightens his tie]: I'm a detective. Let me handle this. I'll go detect.
Mike Rowe: So. Got a dirty job?
Greg: Oh, and there's a seahorse.
Mike Rowe [referring to Greg]: Inhale too much fingerprint powder?
Nick: I've been asking myself that question since season one. [Looks for Mandy] Mandy! [Mandy doesn't wake up] Mandy! [Throws seaweed at Mandy] Yo!
Mandy: What?
Nick: Mike Rowe needs your help. Show him what a dirty job fingerprint collecting is.
Mandy: But we're not done yet.
Nick [under his breath]: Why didn't I stay in that box?
Mandy: What?
Nick: Nothing. [Snaps fingers and the ship is magically dusted and the fingerprints are now all visible] There. Show him how to collect fingerprints.
Greg: And there's Snoopy!
Mandy: You could do that all along and yet you made us work...
Greg: And there's Detective Gordon!
Detective Robert Goren: It's Goren! Dammit!
Jack Bauer: What he said! I think I have a new catch phrase. Score!
Pilot: FML.
Mandy: You could do that all along and yet you made me work?
Nick: Cheer up. Life sucks. We're all going to die. Embrace it! You said you wanted a storyline. You got one.
Mandy: Touché! Blasphemy! Truculence!
Jack Bauer [pulls semi-automatic machine gun out of his man purse]: Someone say die?
[Meanwhile, with Grissom and Sara]
Grissom: And you are?
Haley Joel Osment: Haley Joel Osment.
Sara: Hey! I remember you. You're the little freaky kid from The Sixth Sense.
Grissom: Huh?
Sara: It's a movie.
Grissom: ...
Sara: You know? Movies?
Grissom: ...
Sara: Motion pictures?
Grissom: ...
Sara: Never mind. Interview the freaky, washed-up child actor.
Grissom: And what did you see?
Haley Joel Osment: I see dead people.
Pilot: FML.
Jack Bauer: Really? [Pulls a shotgun out of his man purse and pumps it] I make people dead.
[Changing to Nick and Vega]
Nick: Since Grissom and Sara interviewed the passengers and not the crew, I'll do that with Vega. He needs a storyline. [Hodges is in the background looking excited about something] What do you have, Hodges?
Hodges [looks smug]: I have analyzed the filmy jelly type substance on the aquatic vegetation in my possession and, as I suspected, it's seaweed.
David [jumps out into the frame]: And there are no signs of sexual trauma.
Mike Rowe: You actually checked seaweed for signs of sexual trauma?
David: I have to. I'm legally required.
Doc Robbins: Can I cut it up yet? [Revs sternal saw] Please?
Nick: Oh, why not. Hack it up, Doc. Go wild.
Doc Robbins: Hell, yeah!
Montgomery Gentry: He hasn't had a raise since ‘88, gets trampled on by everyone except when he comes in here. He's a product of the Haggard generation...
Nick: What? No Celine Dion?
Celine Dion [off screen]: I'm on lunch!
Wendy: She actually eats?
Celine Dion: FML.
Pilot: Word.
Jack Bauer: What he said.