[Captain Brass has joined Nick since Vega went off in search of that strange woman]
Nick: Sir?
Captain Smith [turns around and is blue]: Yes?
Brass: Yikes.
Greg: Yowza.
Captain Smith: What?
Brass: You get assaulted by a Smurf throwing blueberries at you before you both fell in the blue crayon wax vat at a Crayola factory?
Greg: Assaulted by a what?
Nick: This isn't even your scene. [Shoves Greg out of the frame]
Captain Smith: I do declare, my good man; I haven't the slightest inkling as to what you're saying.
Brass: Dude. You're blue.
Captain Smith: Excuse me?
Brass: I need a mirror! [Prop department brings Brass a mirror]. See.
Captain Smith [looks in the mirror]: Bloody hell. What happened?
Brass: That's why we're here. You need to tell us.
Captain Smith: I'm blue.
Brass: I'm not colorblind.
John Lennon: I'm dead.
Brass: …
Captain Smith: Well. This is bad.
John Lennon: Not really. I've made more money dead than I ever did alive.
Brass: Got me on that one. [Looks at what John Lennon is wearing] Wish I was colorblind cause them shoes don't go with that jacket and if I was, I wouldn't be able to see that mistake. I'd fire your stylist if I were you. [Shakes head] Alrighty, then. Moving on. [To Captain Smith] Your official duties on board were what exactly?
Captain Smith: I'm the captain.
Brass: Small world. So am I. Was being blue part of your job requirements?
Captain Smith: I'd have to check my contract.
Brass: We can wait. While we do, your duties are?
Captain Smith: My duties are to safely navigate the aquatic vessel across the ocean, ensuring the welfare of the passengers and crew members remained safe.
Brass: Dude, I don't know quite how to say this, but...
Captain Smith: But what?
Brass: Epic fail.
Captain Smith: Excuse me?
Pilot: FML.
Jack Bauer: What he said.
[Doc Robbins comes into the frame with David Phillips]
Doc Robbins [To Captain Smith as he starts poking him]: Dude, you're dead. [Starts poking harder] And crunchy. Hey David! Come lookie!
Captain Smith: But I feel fine. [David has started poking him in the jacket, which makes a crunching sound]. Excuse me, my good man, but do you mind explaining why you're poking me?
David [Pokes Captain Smith]: Look! [Pokes him again and his coat makes another crunching sound] He's crunchy!
Doc Robbins [Starts poking Captain Smith again]: He's like bubble paper with legs. [Pokes for a minute making the crunching sound with David before he composes himself] Sorry, grandpa, but you're dead. [Thinks a minute] Oh, wait a minute. You'll die in Lord of the Rings, also!
Captain Smith: Lord of the who?
Pilot: FML.
Jack Bauer: What he said.
Hodges: I haven't seen that movie yet. Thanks for spoiling the ending, Napoleon!
Doc Robbins [revs up his sternal saw]: So, can I cut yet?
David: Can I check for signs of sexual trauma?
Captain Smith: Excuse me?
Brass: Let me break it down for you, Sparky. You're dead. Toast. Deceased. Plant food. Ain't in the union no more. Slipped into a permanent state of displacement. Pushing up daisies. Got smeared. Meandered through the marble orchard. Moved into upper management.
David: Bit the dust. A stiff. Toured at Adios Park. Afterlife member. Crossed the Ranch. Shops at Corpses-R-Us. Croaked. You rested in your final bed. Promoted to Subterranean Truffle Inspector. They pulled the plug on you.
Doc Robbins: Knocking on Heaven's door. Took a drink at the Last Gasp Saloon. Kneeling at the big gates. Living impaired. Maggot Munchkinland. Greeter of the Reaper. Passed over Jordon. Circled the drain. Eleventh floor transfer. Riding on the SFU Express.
David: Okay. That one I haven't heard.
Doc Robbins: The Six Feet Under Express.
David: Got it. [To Captain Smith] You're out of business. Past People Plantation. Perished. RIP Central. Rottingham inhabitant. Happy house member. Rigga bell if mortis wakes you up. New citizen of Spiritsville.
Doc Robbins: Made reservations at the Chateau Eternity. Eternal vacation. Ended your earthly career. Passed by the Inn of the Wandering Souls. Threshold to Eternity. Wedding day with the worms.
David: Staying at the Gone Home Motel. Dust bin. ET Bone Home. Walked the plank. Vultures' reason for starving. Touring the zombie zoo. Bone garden.
Doc Robbins: Gone to a necktie social. Free worm food. Visiting Necropolis. Yielded up the ghost. Dropped off. Deleted from the world. Dining at the decay buffet. Curled up your toes. Fertilizer Squared. Assuming room temperature. Gone for...
Nick [interrupts Doc Robbins]: We get it. We've only got about thirty-five minutes of airtime left. Move it along.
Captain Smith: So, let me understand what you're trying to tell me. You're all saying that I'm really…?
Brass: Dude, you've been sent to the dirt archives.
John Lennon: I'm dead as well. Righteous!
Nick: Damn.
Brass: What?
Nick: Well. I know now what y'all were thinking when I was buried underground.
Doc Robbins: We work with dead people. [Revs up sternal saw] What'd you expect?
David: Nick, we always knew you'd come back. We never expected you to check into the Garden of the Sleepers.
Nick: Um. Thanks?
Doc Robbins: So, can I cut? [Revs sternal saw]
David [approaches Captain Smith]: No signs of sexual trauma, but I won't know for sure until the autopsy.
Vega: But look on the bright side.
Captain Smith: A bright side for being dead?
Vega: Good point. [To Doc Robbins] Cut away.
Captain Smith: Um. Help?
Doc Robbins: We're gonna have to wait until he thaws. [Thumps Captain Smith's body] Might take a while and I don't want to damage this saw. [Revs sternal saw again] I love this saw.
David: Anything we can do to speed it up?
Doc Robbins: What do you want me to do? Stick him in a microwave?
[Microwave ding sound is heard as Nick and Brass leave Captain Smith in the capable hands of David and Doc Robbins and head to the next scene]
Nick: So, who's next?
Brass [opens his notebook]: Let's see. We've interviewed a dead guy, a Mary Sue Guy, and the kid that sees dead people. How about…[Looks around]…him! [Approaches an officer] Yo. What's your name, slick?
Third Officer Pitman: I'm Third Officer Pitman.
Nick: You got a first name?
Third Officer Pitman: Not that I'm aware of. My friends call me Third.
Brass: ...
Third Officer Pitman: This parody case is based off the Jim Cameron movie, right?
Brass: Far as we know. Unless the author changed it. [Looks upwards towards the sky] Have you changed it?
Simply Laura [Claps twice and a bright light shines down as my voice echoes like God]: Nope. Still using the movie as a basis for this parody.
Brass: Gracias, Chica.
Simply Laura: De nada. [Claps twice and bright light shuts off]
Brass: There's your answer. So, what's your first name?
Third Officer Pitman: I had such a small part that I wasn't told what my first name was. Hell, I wasn't even listed in the credits of the movie. I'm listed in Titanic's uncredited section on IMDB and I don't even have a Mary Sue of my own.
Nick: And I thought my day was bad. [Yells off-screen] We got a spare Mary Sue we can give this dude? [A woman walks out] Thank you. [To Mary Sue] What number are you?
Mary Sue 286: 286.
Nick: Third Officer Pitman, meet your very own Mary Sue.
Mary Sue 286: I love you! Marry me! My parents are awful. I have amnesia. I am rebelling against traditions. I need rescuing. My name is Myrrical Dayvie Dividertree. My friends call me Rubi July. Help me!
Brass: Your hair. It's…blue.
Mary Sue 286: Azure Sunset, to be precise. [To Third] Marry me. I can't wait to be Mrs. Third Officer Pitman.
Third Officer Pitman [high fives Nick]: Thanks, dude. I re…
Hodges [Interrupts Third. Hodges has his iPod out again and is doing the swim at the edge of the frame]: And when she wakes up and makes up her miiii-eyee-ind, she'll see I'm not so tough, just because I'm in love with an uptown girl. You know I've seen…
Archie: After that, I'm having a 404 moment.
Brass: A what?
Archie: You know, a 404 moment? Comes from the 404 error the computer gives you when it can't find a page.
Brass: I didn't know you could get those on a Leapfrog.
Archie: I had something I was gonna show you, but after that [shudders], I need brain bleach.
Brass: You were gonna show us how you found all the vowels in your Word Hunt on your Leapfrog?
Archie [holds up his computer]: This is a highly sophisticated, special ops force, super-charged turbo comp...
Brass: Dude. [Points to decal on the front of the computer] It's a Leapfrog.
Archie: Damn these budget cuts.
Nick: And after that scene, I'm having a CNS-QNS moment.
Vega: …
Nick: A central nervous system–quality not sufficient moment.
Vega: …
Nick: A thought fart. [Looks at Vega] Where did Brass go?
Vega: Pee break. You get me. He told me to help you interview a passenger named Jack Dawson. [Points to a block of ice with a body frozen inside] And that must be him. [Approaches the block of ice] Sir, are you Jack Dawson?
Block of Ice with a Body Frozen Inside: ...
Vega [Speaking slowly]: Are. You. Jack. Dawson?
Block of Ice with a Body Frozen Inside: ...
Nick: Well, he's no help. Not useful at all.
Vega: Oh, he's useful all right. I know just the thing. [Yells off screen] Doc? Need you and your sternal saw.
Doc Robbins: At your service [revs sternal saw]. Who can I cut? I have to cut. I need to cut. I must cut. Cutting is my life.
Vega: Anyone in the mood for snow cones?
Warrick: Oh! Me. Me. Me. Make mine grape.
Vega: You're happy. Did you find your popcorn?
Warrick [Suddenly gets sad]: I still haz no popcornz. They be stealing mah popcorns.
Wendy: Cherry.
Mandy: Cherry also.
Sara: Orange.
Archie: Piña colada.
Washed Up 80s Singer Dude That Really Sang That Song But Nobody Can Remember His Name Because Everyone Still Thinks Jimmy Buffet Sang This Song and Not This Guy: If you like piña coladas, and getting caught in the rain. If you're not into yoga, and if you have half...
Jack Bauer [Interrupts Washed Up 80s Singer Dude That Really Sang That Song But Nobody Can Remember His Name Because Everyone Still Thinks Jimmy Buffet Sang This Song and Not This Guy and puts him in a choke hold until he passes out]: I just spared everyone the need for a full frontal lobotomy with electroshock therapy later on. [Kicks body off the dock and into the water] What flavor sounds the most violent?
Pilot: FML.
Catherine: Detective Vega [shakes her fanny] Want to share?
Vega: Of course. [Runs his fingers through his hair] How's apple sound?
Catherine: Sounds [bats eyelashes] wonderful.
Bobby Dawson: Does it come in gun oil flavored?
Hodges: I want rainbow flavored.
Everyone: ...
Vega: These jokes just write themselves.
Nick: Cherry.
Grissom: And a snow cone is what exactly?
[Doc Robbins cuts the ice away from the block and Vega is adding the syrup]
Vega: Snow cones for everyone!
[Calliope sounds nearby. Warrick hears it and takes off running]
Warrick: You there! Wait! I command you to wait!
Popcorn Vendor Dude: Bags are five dollars each. Cash only. No credit cards. No body parts.
Warrick: I'll take it.
Popcorn Vendor Dude [reaches inside cart to get a bag of popcorn]: That'll be five dollars.
Warrick [Flashes his LVPD ID]: Excuse me, but I am in an official capacity in this city, investigating a major crime. I am officially requisitioning this popcorn. [Shoves popcorn vendor dude away] All of it. Now.
Popcorn Vendor Dude [Looks upward]: Can he do that?
Simply Laura [Claps twice and a bright light shines down as my voice echoes like God]: Why not? We've broken every other rule in this story. Might as well break another. Popcorn is yours, Warrick. Enjoy. [Claps twice and the light goes off]
Warrick: Yah! I has popcornz! I has lots of popcornz! My popcornz!
Hodges: Can I h…
Warrick [interrupts Hodges]: No. You stoled my popcornz. I now has popcornz.
[While Warrick was harassing Popcorn Vendor Dude with Hodges, Nick and Vega went back to finish the interviews with the officers]
Vega: Another officer. This one is First Officer William Murdoch.
First Officer William Murdoch: 'Sup, homies.
Vega: …
Nick: You look...better. I don't even see a bullet hole.
First Officer William Murdoch: Say what?
Nick: Didn't you shoot yourself in the movie?
First Officer William Murdoch: Yo, that's Hollywood bling, man. I ain’t ‘bout to bust no cap in my own ass. I ain't no fool.
Nick: So, how did you die?
First Officer William Murdoch: Yo, honky, hell if I know.
Vega: Honky?
First Officer William Murdoch [Fist bumps Vega]: Word.
Vega: Oooohhh-kay. Moving on [Shoves First Officer William Murdoch out of the frame] Next up, we have Fourth Officer Boxhall.
Fourth Officer Boxhall [reaches for a dry erase board and writes before turning it around to show Nick and Vega]: ?? ??? ??? ??? (English translation of the Korean phrase he wrote – I do not speak English)
Vega: Where's Archie?
Archie: Yo. What up?
Vega [Hands Archie the dry erase board]: Here. Translate.
Archie: Dude. I'm from Washington, D.C.
Vega and Nick: …
Fourth Officer Boxhall [Gets board back and erases first message and writes another one before turning it around]: ?? ?? ???? (English translation of the Korean phrase he said–Can I go?)
Vega and Nick: …
[Fourth Officer Boxhall leaves the scene]
Vega: Who's next?
Chief Officer Wilde: I am.
Sixth Officer Moody: No! [Shoves Wilde] I am!
Chief Officer Wilde: No, you antipodean speck of bum fluff! I'm next. I outrank you.
Sixth Officer Moody: I'm can kick your living ass!
Nick: Um...
Chief Officer Wilde and Sixth Officer Moody [Together]: What?
Nick: Hate to break it to you, but...
Chief Officer Wilde and Sixth Officer Moody [Together]: What?
Nick: You're dead. Both of you.
Sixth Officer Moody: Bollocks.
Chief Officer Wilde: Are you sure?
John Lennon: Cheer up, old chaps. I'm still dead myself.
Nick: Archie!
Archie: Yo, my man. What up with thee?
Nick: ...
Archie: Dude. We've got to get you some culture.
First Officer William Murdoch: Honky, you ain’t white. You neon white. You so white, you make Barry Manilow look like a brotha.
Archie [yells off screen]: Can we get some culture for Nick? Stat?
Catherine: Stat? This isn't ER.
Vega [flexes his muscles again as he runs his fingers through his hair]: I was on ER.
Catherine: So was I. I slept…
Nick [Interrupts Catherine]: God, not again. [-facepalm-] Archie, get to the video evidence. These two men do not believe they're dead. [-double facepalm-]
Archie: You mean the DVD also known as the security footage on a budget?
Nick: Show them the scene or I'll have Super Dave check you for signs of sexual trauma.
Archie: Showing! [Shows Chief Officer Wilde the scene where he's hanging on the chair, dead as Rose steals his whistle] See, you're dead.
Chief Officer Wilde: That young lass stole my whistle!
Nick: You won't need it.
Chief Officer Wilde: And why not?
Nick: Did you forget? You're both dead.
Chief Officer Wilde and Sixth Officer Moody [Together]: Bollocks.
Vega: Sucks to be the two of you. [Looks for Doc Robbins] Hey, Doc?
Doc Robbins: Yes? [Revs sternal saw]
Vega: Got two more for you!
Doc Robbins: Did Christmas come early? Yee haw!
[Another officer is approaching as Doc Robbins and Super Dave chase Wilde and Moody off screen]
Nick: Last officer, I hope?
Vega: I hope.
Brass: I'm back.
Nick: That was a long pee break.
Brass: You can't rush progress.
Vega and Nick: …
Brass: Moving on. [To the officer] Your name, sir?
Second Officer Charles Lightoller: Second Officer Charles Lightoller.
Nick: And you're still alive, right?
Second Officer Charles Lightoller: I hope so. I have to get this costume back to the prop department over at NYU before six or I'll be charged extra.
Vega: So, what happened?
Brass [gets out his collapsible night stick and whips it so it extends and lays it gently on Lightoller's shoulder]: Tell us what you know, Sport.
Second Officer Charles Lightoller: Picture it. Atlantic Ocean, 1912. There we were in the best of times, in the worst of times. It was bloody cold. So cold even the polar bears were shivering. Penguins had on blankets. Do you know how many passengers we had to free after they stuck their tongues to metal posts?
Vega, Brass, and Nick: ...
Second Officer Charles Lightoller: Anyway, we were cruising along at a max speed of around ten knots when out of nowhere, this big ass iceberg made an illegal left turn in front of us. We tried to port round it, but we hit, then the ship went pssshhhh! followed by riiiiiiiippppp then 'splash' and a 'gurgle' then that was it.
Nick: Um...
Brass: That's the first usable statement we've gotten all day. I could totally hug you right now.
Second Officer Charles Lightoller: Um. I don't bat for that team.
Brass: Oh, neither do I. [Whispering loudly while pointing to Nick] If you read some of the stories over at FanFiction.net, he's the gay one.
Nick: Dammit! I'm not gay! Dammit! [Throws clipboard and field kit down on the ground and walks out of the shot]
Pilot: FML.
Jack Bauer: What he said.