[Grissom has called a meeting to discuss what everyone has so far. They're sitting around that lighted table from Season 2 that Doc Robbins falls in love with when he's talking to Nick]
Grissom: All right. So, we're about halfway through our investigation. I thought it'd be pertinent to discuss our findings. Nick?
Nick: Well. Vega, Brass, and I interviewed the ship's officers. Though we interviewed three dead ones, we interviewed a couple of live ones as well. Most of them say it was the iceberg's fault. The iceberg made an illegal left turn in front of the ship and…
Doc Robbins [Running his hands over the top of the table, interrupting Nick]: I love this table.
David: How come we can't have nice things in the morgue? Only two of our body drawers in the cooler actually open. For the past eleven seasons, we have had to use the same two drawers every time we have a scene down there because the rest of them are just fake doors covered in plastic with cardboard in them to simulate shadows.
Grissom: So, anyways, we have the iceberg on what? Conspiracy to commit an illegal left turn?
Wendy: Is that even a charge?
Grissom [snorts]: It is now.
Doc Robbins: I need this table.
David: I need to have a talk with Jerry about getting us some cool high class techno crap down there.
Archie: Dude. I feel you. [Holds up his computer] I have a Leapfrog.
Hodges: How'd this table even fit on the airplane?
Grissom: Catherine, what do you have?
Catherine [is busy flirting with Vega from across the table]: …
Grissom: Cath?
Catherine [is still busy flirting with Vega from across the table]: …
Grissom: Moving on. Warrick, what do you have?
Warrick [Motions to the popcorn cart he has handcuffed to his wrist]: I have popcorn!
Grissom: And this relates to the case, how?
Warrick: I have popcorn! Hodges doesn't have any popcorn!
Doc Robbins: I want this table.
David: I want real drawers in our cooler that open and close so we don't have to keep using the same two drawers over and over and over and over.
Archie: I want an actual laptop that is not designed for four-year-olds to learn how to spell.
Hodges: Baby steps, Archie. Baby steps.
Nick: This is like CSI on LSD.
John Lennon: Someone say LSD? [Bursts out in song] Picture yourself on a train in a station, with plasticine porters with looking glass ties. Suddenly someone is there at the turnstile, the girl with kaleidoscope eyes.
Hodges and John Lennon [together]: Lucy in the sky with diamonds, Lucy in the sky with diamonds, Lucy in the sky with diamonds, ah...ah...
John Lennon: Ace! That was not bad for a bloody Yankee and Bob's your uncle!
Hodges: I don't have an uncle named Bob.
John Lennon [confused]: I need to go spend a penny. Excuse me. [Leaves the frame] Toodle pip!
Hodges: Who's Penny?
John Lennon [off screen]: It means I have to pee, you bloody fool.
Sara: Dead people pee?
Archie: Why not? If vampires can sparkle, dead people can pee.
Wendy: Since when do vampires sparkle?
Grissom: Now there's a crime. Turning good vampires like Bella Lawhateverhisnamewas into Tinkerbell with fangs. That's what we need to be investigating.
Warrick: Who cares? I have popcornz!
Pilot: FML.
Grissom: Moving on. Nick? You never did finish.
Nick: The iceberg made an illegal left turn. I say we move forward with the arr…
Doc Robbins [Interrupts Nick]: Nick, I want this table.
Nick: FML. How about y'all just let me know when I can speak again? Cool?
David: I think it'd also be nice to have something other than a juiced up electric carving knife for scenes where we have to cut.
Archie: I have to have a fast processor in my computer. You know, since I'm the A/V guy and all.
Nick: I want to be buried in that box again. I didn't get interrupted in that box. It was peaceful in that box. The box wasn't all that comfy but it was nice and quiet.
Wendy: Minus the part about the ants gnawing on your ears.
Nick: True.
Grissom: Okay. Enough of this. Back to the investigation. Huddle up! [Everyone huddles up] Hands in.
Everyone: ...
Grissom: Come on. I saw it at a baseball game once.
Doc Robbins: I want this table almost as bad as I want to cut. [Revs sternal saw]
Everyone: [steps back] ...
Grissom: Go team.
[Scene cut. Vega and Nick are going over their case notes]
Nick: We still need to prove that the iceberg had mens rea. Otherwise, we won't have a case or we need to prove the iceberg wasn't guilty at all.
Vega: What if it was a rogue sea lion? Yeah. [Thinks] Ooohhh! No! A rogue polar bear! Even better. You know that officer in the last chapter mentioned polar bears and penguins. Think we should get the Coast Guard to check all the polar bears and penguins for paint transfer?
Nick: ...
Vega: So, you think Catherine will go out with me?
Nick: ...
Vega: Hell. I'll go ask her after I tell the Coast Guard to round up every polar bear and penguin in the ocean. [Leaves frame]
Nick: No. Don't worry. We just have a crime scene here. I've already been stalked, shot, and buried. Might as well add drowning to that list if I just so happen to fall off the dock as I investigate on my own.
Mandy [Appears next to Nick]: Got any fingerprints I can process?
[Grissom walks up to where Mandy and Nick are]
Grissom [referring to Mandy]: Why's she here?
Nick: I don't kn… [Points to Grissom's shoulder] You have a spider on your shoulder.
Grissom [pets the tarantula]: This is a tarantula.
Nick: Whatever.
John Lennon: I'm still dead.
Chief Officer Wilde: So am I.
Sixth Officer Moody: Likewise.
Nick: ...
John Lennon, Chief Officer Wilde, and Sixth Officer Moody [together]: What? I am!
Nick: Anyway, so what's with the spider?
Grissom: Tarantula.
Nick: Whatever.
Grissom: We're near the ocean. I'm getting into the spirit of things.
Nick: By carrying a spider on your shoulder?
Grissom: It's a tarantula.
Nick: Whatever.
Grissom: I was getting into the pirate mode.
Nick: And the spider fits in, how?
Grissom: Tarantula.
Nick: Whatever.
Grissom: Pirates use parrots. Seeing as how I'm an entomologist, I know bugs, and in this case, meet Spike the Tarantula.
Spike the Tarantula [holds out one of his legs and speaks with a French accent]: Pleasure to meet you, mon ami.
Nick [shakes the spider's leg]: Why does he have a French accent?
Brass: What's wrong with a parrot? Why the spider?
Grissom: Tarantula.
Brass: Whatever.
Grissom: I'm not an ornithologist. I'm an entomologist. Since I am the bug guy, I got a tarantula instead of a parrot to ride on my shoulder. It'd look stupid if I had a parrot on my shoulder. Duh.
Spike the Tarantula: This is Spike the Tarantula with today's public service announcement. Technically, I'm not a bug. I'm an arachnid, but seeing as how this is fan fiction, we decided to let this bit of scientific knowledge slide with my previous statement serving as a PSA.
Grissom: Isn't he the best?
Spike the Tarantula: Oui! Je suis!
Nick: Not only does the tarantula have a French accent, he's bilingual.
Spike the Tarantula: I actually speak sixteen languages. English, French, Polish, German, Spanish, Dutch, Welsh, Russian, Swiss, Nordic, Greek, Mandarin, Indian, Portuguese, Japanese, and Korean.
Nick: …
Brass: A multilingual spider.
Grissom: Tarantula.
Nick: Whatever.
Brass: You didn't even say that line. I did.
Nick: Oops.
Spike the Tarantula: Next person to call me a spider gets bit.
[Checking in with Hodges, Archie, and Mandy, who are goofing off with Jerry's director's throne]
Hodges [Standing in throne]: I can see Canada!
Archie [Shoves Hodges out of the throne]: I see Newfoundland!
Mandy: Um…you're standing on a chair. How can you see past the trees?
Hodges: Killjoy.
Nick: So. Any news here?
Hodges: Nope. We're bored.
Nick: We'll go find Greg. Maybe there's a story there.
[They find Greg at the end of the dock]
Greg [sees a switch on a light pole at the docks]: Wonder what this does? [Flips the switch and a bright light in the shape of a bat shines up]
Mandy: Maybe it'll beam me back to a time when I actually had a storyline!
Greg: Has that actually happened on this show?
Mandy: Malevolence!
Hodges: Look out! [Pulls Mandy out of the way as a black car comes to a stop inches from where she was]
Batman [Batman theme song playing as a figure emerges from the vehicle]: Someone call?
Mandy: Dude, you almost ran me over!
Batman: Dammit. I knew I shouldn't have let Robin drive.
Robin: But you're plastered. You've been plastered since 2005 when Batman Begins came out. I would be, too, if Christian Bale played me. [Shudders]
Batman: How would you know? You weren't even in those movies.
Robin: Thank God. The only person short enough to play me would have been Tom Cruise. Can you imagine him as your sidekick?
-begin dream sequence-
Batman: The Bat Signal. It has been activated. [Puts on Bat Cape and with Tom Cruise as Robin, dashes towards the Batmobile] Let's go!
Tom Cruise as Robin: We have to. We can't drive past an accident, because as Scientologists, we are the only ones who can help!
Batman: No, it's because I'm Batman and you're Robin.
Tom Cruise as Robin: It's well known I'm a Scientologist, and that has helped me to find that inner peace in my life and it's something that has given me great stability and tools that I use. I look at those people and I say, 'Bring it. I'm a Scientologist, man. What do you want to know?' I don't mind answering questions. If someone doesn't want to be a criminal anymore, I can give them tools that can better their life. You have no idea how many people want to know what Scientology is. Batman, we can help people. [Grabs Batman in a dramatic fashion] Scientology can help us make this city a better place to live.
Batman: What?
Tom Cruise as Robin: Some people, well, if they don't like Scientology, well, then, [Network censor bleep] you. Really. [Network censor bleep] you. Period.
Batman: Can he say that on TV?
Jerry Bruckheimer: It was edited for content with a [Network censor bleep] sound. We're safe. We're actually thinking of just cutting him out totally and having you read from the Memphis, Tennessee phone book during the scenes where Tom Cruise as Robin is supposed to be speaking.
Batman: Gotcha.
Tom Cruise as Robin [doesn't even notice Batman isn't paying attention to him]: I really don't care what people say. Here's the thing you've got to understand: I'm not looking for approval from anyone because I know when my head hits the pillow at night, I'm doing everything I can to make the world a better place. What it comes down to is, 'What do you know?' I don't care about what other people say. I don't live my life based on what other people think. I should do okay. I live my life based on what I know is right for myself and what I care about is other people and I care about my family and I care about the world and I want to see it a better place and I don't care what people say. I know what Scientology is. It is extraordinary what it has done.
Batman: Um…who's he talking to?
Tom Cruise as Robin: [doesn't even notice Batman just left the scene]: I wouldn't be here today where I am without it and it is things that I apply to my life to help me improve my conditions that actually help me to be able to think for myself, to be able to make the decisions. I use it and I apply it and when you talk about things, those are lies. And really, when you get down to it, you know there are bigots. There are people that just want to hate, period. No matter what. Right?
Batman: FML. [Batman gets in the Batmobile]
Katie Holmes: Wait! [Runs to the Batmobile] Where are you going?
Batman: I'm going to kill myself.
Katie Holmes: Take me.
Batman: Hop in. [Katie Holmes gets in with Batman and he drives off a cliff. It crashes into the ground below and goes up in a massive fireball]
Tom Cruise as Robin: I need a couch to jump on.
Jack Bauer [Pulls a Zamboni out of his man purse and mows down Tom Cruise as Robin with it]: Boo yah! [Fist pump]
-end dream sequence-
Batman: You're right. I'd drive the Batmobile off a cliff.
Robin: See! [Turns to Greg] So, what do you want? Why are we here? I'm missing Dancing with the Stars on the big screen back at the Bat Cave.
Batman: Dude. Nick's supposed to be the gay one.
Nick: Dammit! I. Am. Not. Gay. Next person that calls me gay gets mowed down by Jack Bauer's Zamboni.
Greg: How the hell did Jack Bauer get in that dream sequence?
Batman: Someone better tell me who the hell turned on the Bat Signal.
Mandy: He did it. [Points to Greg] He was messing with that switch over there.
Batman: You mean the one with the sign that clearly states Do Not Use Unless Emergency?
Mandy: Yep. That's the one.
Batman: So, there is no emergency? Who do I need to activate my bat powers with? [Turns to Greg while he looks menacing] You?
Greg [in a very American accent]: No habla ingles! (English–I do not speak English)
Mandy: Dude, you just spoke English four lines ago.
Greg: ¡Cierre para arriba! (English translation–shut up!)
Mandy: I don't…
Spike the Tarantula: He stated that he does not speak English and asked that you kindly shut your mouth before he nails it shut with an electric nail gun.
Greg: I did not say that.
Batman: You do speak English!
Greg: Oops…
Robin: Why does the spider have a French accent?
Spike the Tarantula: I'm not a spider. [Bites Robin] I'm a tarantula. Nom nom nom nom.
Robin: Ouch! He bit me. Why?
Spike the Tarantula: I told everyone that the next person that called me a spider gets bit. You did, ergo I bit you.
Pilot: FML.
Jack Bauer: What he said.
Grissom [off screen]: Anyone seen my tarantula?
Robin [is on the ground, writhing in pain]: Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!
Grissom [picks Spike the Tarantula up]: There you are.
Spike the Tarantula [looks down as Robin is still writhing in pain]: If anyone asks, I was with you during that last scene.
Grissom: You got it.
Nick: This whole story is like losing a slam dunk contest to Stephen Hawking.
Greg: Who?