[Inside the super secret warehouse. Greg is with Sara, examining the hull of the ship, while Nick and Vega are going over evidence with Catherine and Warrick, who still has that popcorn cart handcuffed to his wrist]
Grissom: Mandy, you and Archie and the other one need to cordon off this crime scene. Loop the crime scene tape around the ship so we can get started. [Tosses a Wal-Mart sack to Wendy]
Wendy [Catches the sack]: So, I'm the other one now?
Mandy: I have a name of my very own. I have finally arrived!
Archie: Isn't this a job for the police?
Brass: There are two of us and three of you.
Archie: So?
Brass: Vega and I have badges.
Archie: And? So do we.
Brass: Vega and I have guns.
Archie: Damn.
Brass: Knew you'd see it my way.
[The three of them start in on the crime scene tape hanging. Nick comes over with Vega and Warrick and his popcorn cart and they all start towards the ship, but stop as they watch Mandy]
Nick: Are we having a party or investigating a crime scene?
Mandy: We were told to hang up the crime scene tape while you do the investigation of the ship. So, we're here and, as you can tell, we're hanging.
Nick: Um… [Watches as Archie, Wendy and Mandy string up Big Bird yellow crepe paper] Are we out of crime scene tape?
Mandy: I don't know. Grissom threw this at The Other One and told us to hang it up.
Nick: Who?
Wendy: Me. I'm now known as The Other One.
Archie: At least it's yellow. [Starts writing CRIME SCENE DO NOT CROSS on the crepe paper as Mandy and Wendy hang it up] Damn. It tore again. I need another piece.
Vega: We can't afford real crime scene tape?
Wendy: Apparently not.
Mandy: We do have real tape.
Archie: And real markers.
Nick: This is like CSI on LSD on a budget. [Watches Mandy, Wendy and Archie] Finish up here and then you can go do something else like donate blood or plasma. Maybe if you raise enough money, we'll be able to afford crime scene tape for the next parody.
[Nick is in Hodges' lab and is going over the black paint chips he got from the iceberg a couple chapters ago, looking for clues]
Hodges: Be careful in here!
Nick [annoyed]: Catherine's the one that blew the lab up. Remember?
Hodges: Right, right. You're the one who just gets shot.
Nick: And buried and stalked.
Hodges: Dude…
Nick: Word.
Pilot: FML.
Jack Bauer: What he said.
Hodges: So, what do you think? This is the Barbara Eden Memorial Standardized Mobile Maieutic Deduction Crime Scene Investigation Technical Criminal Evidence Critical Case Laboratory Analysis Investigative Inquisitorial Services Processing Unit.
Nick: Work for the Department of Redundancy Department before you came here?
Hodges: The who?
Pete Townsend: Who are you? Who, who, who, who? Who are you? Who, who, who, who? Who are you? Who, who, who, who? Who are you? Who, who, who, who? I woke up in a Soho doorway, a policeman knew my name. He said "You can go sleep at home tonight, if you can get up and walk away."
Nick: Thank you, Pete Townsend for the musical interlude.
Pete Townsend: No problem.
Nick: And Hodges, as always, we're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
Hodges: Huh?
Doc Robbins [walking in]: I came to visit my table. Grissom said the production assistants moved it in here. This is such a great table. I could really use this. I can lay out all the body parts and get a great overview. [Looks under the table] And it's lighted!
Nick: It's a table.
Doc Robbins: It's not just any table, Nick. I love this table. [Revs sternal saw] Can I cut something? Please?
Nick: It's made of wood.
Doc Robbins: Nick?
Nick: Hmm?
Doc Robbins: I love this table.
Nick [looks over as the laser printer starts to print off results]: How do I set a laser printer to stun?
[Outside with Grissom and Catherine]
Catherine: Vega asked me out.
Grissom: Asked you out what?
Catherine: Gil. Really. Do I need to draw you a picture?
Grissom: …
Catherine: Never mind. [Walks off as Sara comes in the frame]
Sara: I got a good look at the gash. The black paint transfers that Nick found on the iceberg a couple chapters ago should be a match. He's in Hodges' lab now running the samples.
Grissom [confused]: Hodges is sad that his guns aren't ample?
Sara: WTF?
Catherine [Comes back with a bag of Warrick's popcorn]: Now look who has popcorn.
Hodges: Can I help? [Doesn't wait on an answer] I found something! [Catherine and Grissom and Sara come over to where Hodges is] Look!
Catherine: What? It's a hole. So what? The ship hit an iceberg. We knew there'd be a hole.
Grissom [confused again]: Richard Moll is here? I loved him on Night Court!
Sara: Again, WTF?
Hodges: No, no. Not the gash. Look closer!
Nick [walks up]: Done in the lab. What we got here?
Hodges: A hole. As usual, I found the case cracker. I solved the crime.
Greg: But that's my line.
Hodges: Not anymore. You lost it when you left the lab.
Greg: FML.
Pilot: Word.
Jack Bauer: What he said.
Nick [looks at the hole]: And?
Catherine [dramatically]: Oh, my God! It's a bullet hole.
Brass: That means…
Hodges: E=MC2?
Nick: …
Brass: Um…no.
Hodges: That an object in motion stays in motion until acted upon by an outside force?
Nick: I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
Hodges: ...
Lady Gaga: You're visualizing that the bullet hole gave me an idea for a new costume, right? A costume made out of bullets!
Grissom: Who is this and where did she come from? [Screams after he looks at her] Holy hell! What is she wearing?
Lady Gaga [wearing that outfit with the plastic bubbles on it]: I'm expressing myself.
Grissom: No, thank you. I don't drink espresso. They've got too much sugar.
Lady Gaga: Um...that's not what I said.
Sara: Isn't the point of the crime scene tape to keep people OUT of our crime scene?
Wendy: I'm about to get fired anyway, so I can smart off to a CSI. It's crepe paper, not crime scene tape! People think we're having a party, not solving crimes.
Greg [to Lady Gaga]: You're my hero. Do you know how hot you are?
Sara: I thought you liked Pink?
Warrick: I like popcorn.
Greg: That was so 2001. I've moved on to Lady Gaga.
Grissom [still confused]: Brass is wearing a multicolored bra?
Sara: Didn't you get your hearing fixed way back in season three?
Grissom: Yeah, why?
Sara: Might want to go in for a recheck.
Archie [to Lady Gaga]: Better keep the bullet costume away from the costume that makes sparks shoot out of your honkers.
Nick: I still have nightmares about that.
Grissom [yep. He's still confused]: Who said this story made them go bonkers?
Sara: I'm making you an appointment to get your hearing checked if we ever leave and get back to Vegas.
Hodges [guess who has his iPod out again]: Well, that's the way that I want it to stay and I'll always want it to be that way for my Lola. Lo-lo-lo-lo Lola. Girls will be boys and boys will be girls. It's a mixed up, muddled up, shook up world except for Lola. Lo-lo-lo-lo Lola.
Archie: I don't know what's worse. Lady Gaga and her spark shooting honkers or Hodges singing to a song about a cross-dressing prostitute.
Grissom [remains confused]: Yes, Archie. Horns go toot toot. Now, how does a cow go? Have you gotten that far on the LeapFrog yet?
Archie: …
Nick: I can fix one of those nightmares for you. [Yells] Spike? Oh, Spike?
Spike the Tarantula: Oui, monsieur? (English translation - Yes, sir?)
Nick: Even though I don't speak French at all, I magically already know what you said.
Hodges: How?
Nick [points to the subtitles]: Spike has subtitles. See!
Grissom [do I need to even say it?]: No, Nick. I don't need to pee.
Nick: WTF?
Sara: Word.
Pilot: FML.
Jack Bauer: What he said.
Nick: Oh, the powers of fan fiction. [Turns to Spike] In any event, I need help.
Spike the Tarantula: Quel est erroné? (English translation – What's wrong?)
Nick [Points to Lady Gaga]: Bite her.
Spike the Tarantula: There are not enough antibiotics in the world to take care of the stuff she's carrying. One bite from her and I'd be upside down, eight legs in the air.
Doc Robbins: I can cut then! [Revs sternal saw]
Spike the Tarantula: …
David: And I can check for signs of sexual trauma.
Spike the Tarantula [to David]: Êtes-vous mentalement défectuosité? (English translation – Are you mentally ill?)
David: I don't speak French.
Nick: Neither do I. [Points to the bottom of the screen] Just read the subtitles, Super Dave.
David: Sorry. [Reads the subtitles] No, I'm not mentally ill. I have to check for signs of sexual trauma. It's my job description.
Spike the Tarantula: Vérifiez-moi tandis que je suis vivant, je vous mordent! (English translation – Check me while I'm alive and I bite you)
Nick [picks Spike up]: Spike, she called you a spider.
Spike the Tarantula [angry]: Oh, no she di-int! [Jumps from Nick's hand and bites Lady Gaga] Nom nom nom nom!
Greg: Damn.
Lady Gaga: Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!
Nick: I have my own attack tarantula.
Vartan: Can we get back to the bullet hole?
Nick: Where'd Vega go? He was just here.
Vartan: He's over working on his lines for his part on The Mentalist. You get me.
Catherine: Hello. [Flips hair over her shoulders]. Have you been on ER?
Vartan: Not that I am aware of.
Catherine: Damn. I can only flirt with men during this story who have been on ER.
Vartan: But on the show, we're, you know… [clears his throat and smiles]…eh?
Catherine: Is this Canadian for something? I know you're Canadian and all and you've been on that Canadian cop drama Flashpoint, but I don't speak Canadian. [Looks around] Where's that tarantula? I need an interpreter. Can Spike speak Canadian?
Grissom [yep. Confused again]: This ship is made out of bacon?
Catherine: ...
Vartan: So, you and I can, you know [clears throat and smiles] on the show, but in the story, you won't flirt with me because I was never on ER?
Grissom [still confused as he looks out the warehouse door]: Did you say someone got hit by a car?
Vartan: No. Look at the ship, Gil.
Grissom [You already know what goes here]: No, I don't want any chips and my name isn't Bill.
Nick: This is CSI on LSD on a budget while being high on glue.
Vartan: Um...where was I? Oh, right. Back to flirting. So, you and I can, you know [clears throat and smiles] on the show, but in the story, you won't flirt with me because I was never on ER?
Catherine: Yes.
Vartan: I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
Nick: And on that note, back to the bullet hole, shall we?
Vartan: Right. Where were we?
Grissom [guess who's still confused]: You need me to check Greg for a VD?
Vartan: ...
Nick: Trying to figure out what the bullet hole meant.
Warrick: My popcorn! My popcorn! I can't do this job without my popcorn!
Vartan: What's the deal with him and popcorn?
Nick: You don't want to know.
Grissom [maybe one day he'll become un-confused]: Who wants their own show?
Vartan [ignoring Grissom]: Back to the case then. The bullet hole is easy to explain. The ship got shot. [Snaps fingers] That's it! The ship sank because it got shot!
Grissom: Vartan, I don't think it's that hot in here.
Vartan [to Nick]: He's the one who should read the subtitles.
Grissom: Hodges just choked on Scrabble tiles? Brass is wearing a multicolored bra and Hodges just choked on Scrabble tiles. It's a hell of a day at sea.