Archie: So, we think the bullet hole caused the sinking? I didn't see any video evidence of it as I watched this security footage on a budget I was given earlier. Looks like the iceberg hit it. Even had it on tape from multiple angles.
Greg [to Iceberg]: You're screwed.
Iceberg [gets a piece of paper and a pen and writes a note and gives it to Greg]: Here.
Greg [reads note]: You want a layer?
Mandy [to the Iceberg]: You have hands?
Warrick [to the Iceberg]: You can't have popcorn.
Iceberg [to Greg]: Not layer. L-A-W-Y-E-R. Lawyer.
Greg [points to note]: You spelled L-A-Y-E-R. Layer.
Iceberg: I may be a hunk of frozen water but I know how to spell and that says I want a… [Gets note back from Greg] layer. Damn. I can't spell.
Hodges: Works for me. Can we go home?
Wendy: I'm just gonna start spouting random haikus to pass the time for the rest of the story.
Grissom [to Wendy]: Who said their rump hair was blue?
Wendy: I once had a job/But then I was told to leave/At least I'm not dead.
[Back to Sara and Warrick who are actually investigating. I think.]
Sara: How could a bullet hole cause this ship to sink? I mean, it's huge.
Warrick: Who cares? I'm almost out of popcorn. Bummer.
[Okay. Maybe not.]
Vega: So, can I arrest someone now? Please? I want to use my handcuffs.
Catherine [adjusts her cleavage]: You can use them on me, Detective Vega.
Vega [Adjusts his tie]: I'd be glad to, CSI Will…
Nick [is thinking out loud as he interrupts Vega]: I'm going to say a complete lack of intelligence on the part of everyone who has ever been employed by the show is what's leading to me being used as the writers' bitch. I mean, really? There are how many actors on this show and I'm the only one who has been shot, buried in a box, and stalked? What's the worst thing that happened to Grissom? Oh, he lost his hearing. What's the worst thing that happened to Catherine? She breaks a fingernail opening a new roll of crime scene tape while I get stalked, shot, and buried in a box.
Mandy: You forget? Greg got blown up and mowed down.
Nick [to Mandy]: Shut up before I see to it that you get flogged with warm lettuce. I'm going for a moment here.
Mandy: Lettuce? WTF?
Wendy: I see sperm splooges/Nasty evidence I get/Not for much longer.
Vartan: But Catherine's still sleeping with me, right?
Greg: Can I wear that Vegas stripper headdress thing again? Hodges is singing and I could so dance to that.
[Everyone listens to Hodges]
Hodges: When I dance they call me Macarena and the boys they say que estoy buena. They all want me, they can't have me, so they all come and dance beside me. Move with me, chant with me and if you're good I'll take you home with me.
Vega [Watching Hodges do the Macarena]: He looks like...
Vartan [also watching Hodges]: A drunken crab?
Archie [also watching Hodges]: With a seizure disorder?
Mandy [also watching Hodges]: On LSD?
Sara [also watching Hodges]: As he's trying to balance on a fence post?
Brass [also watching Hodges]: In a full body cast?
Catherine [also watching Hodges]: During a tornado?
Grissom [is turned around the opposite way as he stares off into space]: Hodges has a clogged blow hole?
Nick [sarcastically]: Hey, Macarena! Everyone takes my spotlight.
Wendy: Hodges can't dance well/I want to poke my eyes out/Blinded by the sight.
Warrick [drags his popcorn cart over and yes, it's still handcuffed to his wrist]: Everyone takes my popcorn.
Grissom: Who said they needed a bullhorn?
Nick [is watching Grissom as he gives everyone the bunny in the path of a semi look]: He's gone from the leader of our team to the Leader of the Inane Stupidities.
Wendy: Unemployment line/I don't want to leave the show/I am really mad.
Vega: So, when can I use my handcuffs?
[With Brass and Sheriff Roy Atwater AKA that Glowing Green Guy from 24]
Sheriff Roy Atwater AKA that Glowing Green Guy from 24: So, can we arrest someone? I mean, we've had plenty of time. I need to arrest someone.
Doc Robbins [revs sternal saw]: I feel ya. I need to cut.
Sheriff Roy Atwater AKA that Glowing Green Guy from 24: Word up, brotha. Word up. [Fist bumps Doc Robbins]
Brass: Chief, what's the rush?
Sheriff Roy Atwater AKA that Glowing Green Guy from 24: Sheriff.
Brass: Whatever.
Sheriff Roy Atwater AKA that Glowing Green Guy from 24: I'm glowing green. Can't you see? I'm iridescent! You could power a city off of the radioactive vibes I'm giving off.
Brass: And captain dude was blue? So?
Captain Smith: And dead! I'm dead and I'm blue.
Wendy: Cry I must not do/For Captain Brass is not blue/Who cares anymore?
Sheriff Roy Atwater AKA that Glowing Green Guy from 24: I don't have that much longer to live. I got exposed to plutonium.
Brass: Wasn't that, oh, like nine years ago? On another show?
Sheriff Roy Atwater AKA that Glowing Green Guy from 24: Formalities, shmormalities.
Brass: Didn't you also fly a nuclear bomb into a mountain?
Sheriff Roy Atwater AKA that Glowing Green Guy from 24: Um...
Brass: And didn't the T-1000 kill you on Terminator 2?
Sheriff Roy Atwater AKA that Glowing Green Guy from 24: Um…
Brass: So, how are you here?
Sheriff Roy Atwater AKA that Glowing Green Guy from 24: Um…you know how characters on All My Children escape deaths?
Brass: Yeah.
Sheriff Roy Atwater AKA that Glowing Green Guy from 24: One of the writers for 24 used to work for All My Children.
Wendy: I was on that show/Me resurrected? Hell no/I am still deceased.
Brass: Whatever. Look, you're wanting me to make a premature arrest so we can have a dramatic story later on when we apologize for arresting the wrong guy?
Sheriff Roy Atwater AKA that Glowing Green Guy from 24: Why not?
Brass: Um...
Sheriff Roy Atwater AKA that Glowing Green Guy from 24: Not like we haven't done it before on this show. Remember that guy from season two that ate out his own wrists because we arrested the wrong brother?
Brass: Dude. I've slept since then and I was on Miami Vice. Did you see some of the pastel nightmares I had to wear on that show? I looked like I got raped by Easter egg dye. Plus, I had to work with Don Johnson!
Sheriff Roy Atwater AKA that Glowing Green Guy from 24: How much therapy did you need?
Brass: Lots.
Wendy: Brass has been through much/At least he is not pissed off/Better than pissed on.
Sheriff Roy Atwater AKA that Glowing Green Guy from 24 [to Brass]: Go arrest Bobby Dawson in the next act.
Brass: Why?
Sheriff Roy Atwater AKA that Glowing Green Guy from 24: Because he's the gun guy. I mean, if someone was beaten to death with a tape player, we'd arrest the AV guy.
Archie: What's a tape player?
Sheriff Roy Atwater AKA that Glowing Green Guy from 24: If someone got beaten to death with a fingerprint we'd arrest Mindy.
Mandy: It's Mandy.
Sheriff Roy Atwater AKA that Glowing Green Guy from 24: If someone got beaten to death with a cotton swab, we'd arrest The Other One.
Wendy: I am a zombie/I roam about with no pulse/I should get some sleep.
Brass: And the slashes are for?
Wendy: It's a haiku. They're there to show the breaks in between the iambic pentameter.
Grissom: Why does Sara think I'm mad at her?
Brass: ...
Sheriff Roy Atwater AKA that Glowing Green Guy from 24 [to Brass]: Arrest someone because I'm day glow green from plutonium exposure.
Brass: The soft and yet subtle tennis ball green light playing off of you works so well with your eyes.
Sheriff Roy Atwater AKA that Glowing Green Guy from 24: And because I was on ER!
Catherine [suddenly appears and adjusts her cleavage again and flips her hair over her shoulders]: So was I. I slept with George Clooney.
Vega: What about me?
Vartan: Does this mean I'm not getting any tonight?
Wendy: Poor Bobby Dawson/He has a fate worse than mine/He is the gun guy.
[Brass leaves to go find Bobby Dawson]
Brass: I know what we have to do now. [Yells off screen] Where'd Bobby Dawson go?
Grissom: Nick needs his yard mowed? [To Nick] I thought you lived in an apartment?
Nick: Hell if I know. I haven't seen my apartment since I had that stalker way the hell back in season 2. Apparently for all I know now, I'm homeless. Has anyone ever seen us sleep? Or pee, for that matter?
Wendy: Nick has some issues/The writers must hate his guts/At least he's not dead.
Jack Bauer: I feel ya on that one. I haven't peed in eight years.
Nick: We're in season eleven now? So I haven't peed in eleven years.
Jack Bauer: I bow to the powers of your mystical and magical bladder.
Nick: Um...
Pilot: FML.
Jack Bauer: Dammit!
Wendy: Nicky needs to pee/Someone find him a toilet/Before it's too late.
Bobby: Who needed me?
Brass: Bobby Dawson, you're under arrest for the shooting death and subsequent sinking of the Titanic.
Bobby: WTF? WTH? FML.
Pilot: Three acronyms in one sentence. You are my new hero.
Iceberg: So, this mean I'm off the hook? [Does the Tootsie Roll]
Bobby [to Iceberg]: I am gonna straight up murder your ass with a heat gun.
Iceberg: Anyone hear that? That's terroristic threatening!
Bobby [to Iceberg]: I resent you terribly.
Greg: A heat gun?
Bobby: Duh. I'm the gun guy. I can't use a regular gun. He's made of ice.
Greg: And?
Bobby: Aren't you the chemistry dude?
Greg: Huh?
Bobby: Ugh. Never mind. Someone arrest me. Now.
Wendy: Now Greg is clueless/He inhaled too much print dust/He is so screwed now.
[Brass is reading Bobby his rights as Vega and Vartan watch]
Vega: I did not see that coming.
Vartan: See what coming?
Vega: Bobby getting arrested. [Sniffle]
Vartan: Why not? He's the gun guy. Didn't you watch You Kill Me?
Vega: No.
Vartan: Dude, you've got to watch that episode. Every time a gun crime was committed, and even a few times where a gun wasn't used, Bobby got arrested. He got arrested for blowing up Archie, knocking The Other One off a step ladder, offing Hodges and locking Henry in a freezer after dousing his coat with PCP.
Vega: Who's Henry?
Vartan: Hell if I know. [Points to script] I was just looking up the names. I couldn't even remember The Other One's real name.
Wendy [Off screen]: My name is Wendy/Remember? Wendy? That's me/You forgot my name.
Vega: Did someone say something?
Vartan: Did we ever figure out who Henry was?
Wendy: The Iceberg has lied/Bobby is up shit creek/Sucks to be him now.
Nick: This is pathetic.
Hodges [Looking at Nick]: You're pathetic.
Nick: You're just begging for me to have Super Dave check you for signs of sexual trauma, aren't you?
Hodges: I immediately regret that statement. My apologies.
[Catherine has joined Vartan and Vega as Brass continues to read Bobby Dawson his rights]
Vartan: So? We still...you know?
Catherine: Oh, Vartan, there are literally thousands of other men that I should be with instead, but I am seventy-two percent sure that I love you.
Vartan: I love it when you use statistics, even if they are copied from a movie script.
Wendy: I am so confused/Maybe that's why I got canned/Screw it—I go home.
Archie: WTF?
Wendy: What? Not like they are gonna fire me again or something.
[Back to some seriousness]
Grissom: I still don't think Bobby did it. I mean, come on. I know he's the gun guy and all, but really? Do we really think a little bullet hole sunk this big boat?
Sara: Ship.
Grissom [puts his hand over Sara's mouth]: We can't say that word on TV. The PTC will be all over us like stink on cheese.
Wendy: I spout random crap/I have nothing to do now/Cause I got shit canned.
Grissom: Doc Robbins said Archie ate a rubber band?
Sara: Here's one. Gil Grissom is deaf/True he can't hear anything/Please just kill me now.
Warrick: Here's mine. I had a happy/but Hodges ate my popcorns/I now has a sad.
Doc Robbins: Sternal saw I have/I cut you open with it/Plant food you become.
David: I check for trauma/Sexual trauma I check/I need a hobby.
Nick: My turn! Hard life I have had/Stalked, shot and buried in dirt/I am still not gay.
Spike the Tarantula: Spider I am not/Call me a spider, I bite/Then you has an ouch.
Brass: I get shot at, too/Nick won't remember that though/Lime light hog he is.
Greg: My Vegas stripper hat/I had to leave at the lab/Oh, damn, oh, damn it.
Vartan: I was not on ER/Catherine sleeps with me—hell yeah/ What's that on my hand?
Vega: I was on the show/I haven't been seen in years/Where the hell am I?
Hodges: I can sing show tunes/Dancing like a crab always/And I am the man.
Grissom: I hear the voices/Collecting bugs I do like/I'm not a real doctor.
Archie: I watch stuff daily/No clue as to why I must/At least I'm not fired.
Wendy: Nice, Arch. Rub it in.
Jack Bauer: I have a gun/I kill people/It's how I have fun.
Greg: That's not a haiku.
Jack Bauer [points gun at Greg's head]: Really?
Greg: I was mistaken.
Jerry Bruckheimer: Wendy—you're fired/This is your good-bye party/That is all you're worth.
Wendy: Go to hell, Jerry/For you are a cheap piss ant/Now, I'm really fired.
[Seriousness? Okay. Maybe not]
Sara: Griss, do me a favor?
Grissom: No, I don't like banana flavor.
Sara [points down towards the bottom of the screen]: Read the subtitles!
Grissom: Where did those come from?
Wendy: Grissom is deaf now/He can't hear and missed a lot/Now, Grissom is blind.
Sara: They've been here the whole time. You need to read them. Your hearing is going again.
Grissom: You're scared of an easterly wind?
Sara [rewinds last scene and shows Grissom what she said versus what he heard]: See?
Grissom: Damn.
Pilot: FML.
Wendy: Because I am canned/Men in white coats coming now/I must run and hide.
Jack Bauer: Dammit!
Grissom: Now that I can see what people say, back to the case shall we? Bobby Dawson is in jail. Brass told me that Sheriff Roy Atwater AKA that Glowing Green Guy from 24 thinks Bobby did it just because he's the gun guy. I know he didn't do it and we've got to prove it.
Warrick [interrupts and doesn't really care]: Fantastic! I figured out I can make more popcorn.
Grissom: Warrick, are you paying attention?
Warrick [making more popcorn]: Nope.
Hodges [Approaches Grissom]: Yo, Grissom. Aren't you a doctor?
Grissom: I'm a PhD. Not an MD. If you want a real doctor, go find Doc Robbins.
Wendy: Doctor I need now/Bugs crawling in my innards/Then, we all fall down.
Grissom: Now, that's morbid.
Hodges: He'll try to cut me open with that sternal saw. Since Warrick wouldn't give me any popcorn, I ate what I thought was cotton candy. Turns out, Nick said it was insulation from the ship. It wasn't cotton candy like Warrick said it was and now my tummy itches. So, I need a doctor to tell me what to do?
Grissom [yells]: Doc Robbins? Where are you?
Wendy: He ate something bad/Hodges is a big dumb ass/Layoffs skipped him how?
David: He's still visiting his table inside Hodges's mobile lab.
Hodges: It's not a lab. This is the Barbara Eden Memorial Standardized Mobile Maieutic Deduction Crime Scene Investigation Technical Criminal Evidence Critical Case Laboratory Analysis Investigative Inquisitorial Services Processing Unit.
David: …
Wendy: I have no haiku for that one.
Grissom: Since Doc is still with that table, can you help Hodges?
David: I'll need to check you for signs of sexual trauma.
Hodges: I'm suddenly feeling better now. Excuse me. [Exit, stage left]