JUST WHEN I NEEDED YOU
Chapter Seventeen
Letters Home
November 13, 2002
Dear Rose,
Hi, sweetie. How are you? I wish I could
say I was fine, but I miss you and Josh more and more each second that passes.
Not only that, but we were informed yesterday, that we're leaving for England
tomorrow, where we'll get our final assignments and be sent out. They say some
of us will be posted at a safe house in a neutral zone, but that the majority
of us will be fighting. I pray over and over that I'll be in the minority, but
it's not likely. I must be going, meal is over and we're heading out early
tomorrow. I hope to hear from you soon.
Love Always,
Jack
November 21, 2002
Dear Jack,
Happy Thanksgiving! Things are all right
here, although it's taking some getting used to, without you around. Nothing
has really changed. The days are a little duller, but Josh seems to be making
everything worthwhile. He misses you, he really does. He goes as far as
refusing to sleep without a picture of you. Quite something for an
eight-month-old. We're heading back to Wisconsin tomorrow, to spend the holiday
with Mother. She's been great, calling every day and helping me cope. We'll be
back on the thirtieth. Helga is going to move in after the New Year, since I'm
only going to be getting bigger and taking care of Josh is going to get harder.
I hope that you'll be home by then. I'm so scared to have this baby alone. But
I'll be strong, since most likely you won't be. Josh is crying and I must
finish packing, so I'll stop writing now. Take care.
Forever Yours,
Rose
December 11, 2002
Dear Rose,
I'm here, stationed just outside the
borders of Afghanistan. Due to laws and all that, I'm not allowed to say
anything more, except that the conditions here are less than favorable. My
bunkmate from training was killed yesterday. I don't want you to know about all
the gory details, so I'll stop about that. How are you doing? And Josh? I'm
doing well, as best as can be expected, all things considered. I'm glad to hear
about Helga moving in. I was worried how you were going to handle taking care
of two kids alone. Especially if this one is anything like Josh was when he was
first born. Ha ha. I can't believe I'm missing Josh's first Christmas. Is he
crawling yet? He was scooting along pretty well when I left. How are you
holding up? Knowing you, you're thriving, being a single parent. You always
have stood up when faced with adversity. That's one of the things I love most
about you. There's so much I want and need to say to you. Unfortunately, time
doesn't permit me to do so. I'll write again soon. Give Josh a kiss for me.
Love,
Jack
December 26, 2002
Dear Jack,
Merry Christmas! The holiday was slow
without you, although Josh loved opening his gifts. I made sure there were a
few from you under the tree. Fabri and Tommy came over later in the day,
bringing the most gifts I've seen since that one year we had Christmas at the
old cabin. I'm sure you remember that. They stayed for an hour or so, but I
think they knew I wanted to be alone. I put Josh to bed early. He was tired
already, and laid down on your side of the bed. I won't lie. I cried for hours.
I cried for you, me, Josh, our child...for our life together that has so
prematurely been ripped from our grasp. I fell asleep after some time, I'm
sure. It's getting a little easier, getting through each day, but holidays are
still hard. You have to come home, Jack. I won't be able to deal if you're not
here next Christmas. It's not fair, us being apart. Dammit...I'm going to go. I
feel tears coming. Write back soon. I live for your letters.
Love Always,
Rose
January 17, 2003
Dear Rose,
Happy New Year! I'm sorry I couldn't be
there to ring it in with you. After reading your last letter, I'm reminded of
how much I'm missing of your life, Josh's life...of our life together. He's
going to be a year old soon...it's just not the way it should be. Helga's all
moved in by now, huh? I wish that were I...being there with you. I don't like
the idea of not being there when our son or daughter is born. Speaking of
which, how is the baby doing? You're five months along now...God, Rose, I only
want to take you in my arms and never let go. I want to kiss you...and, well,
it would make both of us blush if I said what else I wanted to do. I guess no
words are needed. It's time to get some sleep, but I will write again.
Eternally yours,
Jack
February 1, 2003
Dear Jack,
Happy New Year and Happy Early Birthday! I
hope this letter finds you in good health. Everything here is going good.
Helga's been here for three weeks now and we're getting along great. I have
some news that will hopefully brighten your day. Yesterday, Josh and I were in
our room and I was showing him some pictures (he loves seeing them) and when I
pulled out one of our wedding pictures, he grabbed it, pointed to you and said,
"Dada." His first word, Jack. He misses you so much. I read him parts
of your letters at night, and it calms him. Yesterday, though, after he had
said it, he burst into tears. I couldn't calm him down, so I cried with him. We
fell asleep together on our bed. There are just moments where all I want to do
is cry. I have to be strong, for all of our sakes, and I know that, but it
doesn't lessen the pain. Then again, crying all the time won't bring you back,
either. Be careful out there, okay? Josh sends his love (he says Dada and then
hugs himself. It really is the sweetest thing.)
Love,
Rose
February 23, 2003
Dear Rose,
When I read your letter, I felt both
immense joy and anger. Joy, because my son remembers me. He knows who I am.
Anger, because I wasn't there to hear him utter that one word. Things are
getting worse over here, if that's possible. I never thought I'd see so much
death. It's absolutely horrifying. Rose, I hope you're taking care of yourself.
I know you have to be strong, but being strong doesn't have to mean keeping all
your emotions bottled up inside. Then again, I don't want you crying all the
time. I will be home. I swear to you, the day that I come home will come. I
don't know when, but please trust me on that. Josh is going to be a year old
next week...I can't believe it. I'm sending a little something for him with
this letter. Tell him his daddy loves him and misses him. I must be going now,
so keep safe. I love you.
Love,
Jack
March 21, 2003
Dear Jack,
I'm so sorry I haven't written lately, and
sadly, it probably would've been longer before I had if I hadn't gone to the
doctor this morning. Things have been that crazy around here. Anyway, I went in
for an ultrasound last week and the doctor called yesterday, because he said he
noticed something on the scan. So I went in...Jack, we're having twins! The
doctor was completely baffled at how he had missed the second baby. I'm so
excited! We didn't just create another life out of our love, but two lives.
Taking care of three kids isn't going to be easy. I'm going to need Helga more
then ever, but it's such a blessing. She already agreed to stay until the kids
are older or until you come home, whichever comes first. You know which I'm
praying for. Anyway, there's so much more that's been going on. Josh was
extremely happy that his daddy sent him a birthday present. Your letter arrived
after the third, but he understood. I swear, he's the most intelligent and
understanding one-year-old I've ever seen (and no, I'm not just saying that
because he's my son.) He's on the verge of walking. He gets around pretty well,
holding onto tables and such, so it should be any time now. Fabrizio got him a
puppy for his birthday, which he promptly named Dada. God, Jack, he looks so
much like you. If I hadn't brought him into the world, I would have to wonder
if he was even my son. We have new neighbors, a young couple about our age.
They have a son slightly older than Josh, and they seem to get along well.
Tina, the wife, has become a good friend, helping me whenever Helga isn't
around. I really need it. I'm huge! I thought I was big with Josh, but it's
nothing compared to now. In that respect, I'm just the tiniest bit glad you're
not here. Surely you couldn't love me looking as I do. Well, I suppose I should
end this. Helga and Tommy just returned with Josh and the dog and I'm sure he's
hungry. Take care.
Love,
Rose
April 9, 2003
Dear Rose,
I practically died when I read that you
were pregnant with twins! The guys in my camp must've thought I was crazy, the
way I shouted and danced around. Well, not quite danced. Wow...I never would've
imagined. It hurts though, knowing I won't be there when they're born next
month. Please send pictures...the ones you sent of Josh and the ones I took
with me are what keep me going when things get unbearable. And Josh! Good God,
my son is going to take his first steps without me. I hate this war, keeping me
from my family. I can't believe Josh named his dog after me. I'm so happy he
remembers and loves me enough to do that. Has he said any other words? He's
going to be speaking full sentences before I get home. That reminds me, I'm
supposed to be going to town next month for supplies. I'll be able to call. I
long to hear your voice, to tell you I love you. I can't believe it's been five
months already. It seems like an eternity has passed since that morning at the
airport. I've got to get going, I'll write a longer letter next time. Don't
exert yourself too much, and tell Josh I love him.
Forever Yours,
Jack
April 29, 2003
Dear Jack,
I cried when I read your last letter. I
miss you so much. It's almost killing me. I'm going to be twenty years old in a
little over two weeks. I feel like I should be an old lady by now, but a glance
in the mirror reminds me that I am only nineteen. So much time has passed since
we last saw each other or even heard each other's voices...that's why I'm
looking forward to you calling. I need to hear you. It's almost an obsessive
need. My life stands still until I do. I'm pretty much confined to the bed, so
unless I'm at the hospital, pushing these two little ones into the world, I'll
be here when you call. Josh took his first steps last week. I know it's not the
same, but we managed to capture the moment on video, so when you get home, you can
see it and maybe somewhat share that special time with him. He's also talking
more...stretching his vocabulary to Dada, Mama, Eggie (Helga), doggie, and
baby. He actually understands that there's a baby inside of me and is really
excited for them to be born. He's going to be an excellent big brother. Oh, I
didn't tell you the news! Gina and Greg were out here last week, and it turns
out they're going to be having a baby in November. Gina's so excited. They're
thinking about moving out here, so our kids can grow up together. I hope they
do. I miss them. Anyway, I anxiously wait for your call, but I must end this
now. I'm exhausted. Good night, my love. I'll dream of you tonight.
Love,
Rose